The Long Road Home
by Penelope Muir
Summary: Voldemort chooses Neville but the Potters do not escape unscathed. Five years later, Lily Potter walks back into Severus Snape's life. Meanwhile, those closest to them struggle to pick up the pieces of their lives following the war. AU Severus/Lily.
1. Prologue: The Domino Effect

**The Long Road Home**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters within this story.

XXX

**Prologue**

_**15th November 1981**_

Lily Potter stared into the vacant eyes of her husband.

James Potter didn't acknowledge her presence. Didn't even blink as she squeezed his hand; didn't react when she leaned in close, murmuring tearful words into his ear, imploring him to respond to her. To do something, _anything _to let her know that he knew she was there.

"James," she whispered, before adding quietly, "James...squeeze my hand if you can hear me," she held his hand higher, leaning closer to him on the hospital bed. He continued to stare through her. Her breathing hitched in her throat and she raised his hand to her lips, pressing them against it as another tear escaped her.

"Lily?" a voice spoke quietly behind her.

She didn't take her eyes from her husband; "Still no change," she said, quietly, her voice almost a whisper. She felt a hand grip her shoulder and closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against James and hers' clasped hands; "They said...they said if he hadn't responded by today –"

"He'll come around," Sirius spoke with such confidence that she almost believed it. But she knew that if she turned to look at him, knew that if she looked into his eyes, that she would see the same fear she felt; she would see the doubt and the anxiety. See the truth they were all too afraid to admit. It had been over a week since they had brought James to St Mungo's; over a week since he had last spoken.

She heard footsteps approach them; heard Sirius greet the new person _'Moony'; 'Sirius'_, the second greeting was colder, harder. A tone she rarely heard from him; but she was too distracted to be concerned.

"They found him."

Lily tensed as she awaited the name of the man who had betrayed them.

"Peter," Remus went on, "He's been taken to Azkaban; no trial."

"They should've killed him on the spot," Sirius tone was full of malice, "Should have tortured him; made him feel what James –"

"Sirius," her voice was weary as she spoke without turning to face them.

Sirius and Remus went quiet behind her. A moment later Remus stepped forward, coming into view. She glanced at him out the corner of her eye but then looked back at James. Remus drew up a chair and sat down next to her; a moment later she felt his warm hand cover hers and squeeze it reassuringly.

It was too much.

"That's all I want," she whispered, before she choked up and felt the tears build up suddenly, "I just want him to squeeze my hand." She sobbed and gasped for breath at the same time, before she turned desperate eyes to her friend; "Remus," she choked out but said no more, because she didn't know what she expected him to do.

She was pulled into his arms within a second and held tight against his chest. She sobbed against him; she knew that all hope was lost. She knew that he was gone.

XXX

Lily ignored the calls of her son from the corner of the room, as she sat surrounded by all the books and medical articles she could possible find containing information on the Cruciatus Curse; its long-lasting effects, as well as those with information regarding neurological damage and treatments. It was all she had spent her time doing the past few months, ever since she had been given James' certain diagnosis; the damage to his brain was irreversible and there were no treatments available. _No hope._

That's what they had been trying to tell her since then; she was determined to prove them all wrong. Her husband was in there somewhere; he was in there and he needed her. Needed her not to give up on him; needed her to find a way to fix it. Fix him.

She wouldn't stop until she had done it. She wouldn't stop until she had him back.

"Merlin!" Sirius voice rang out suddenly, causing her to look sharply in his direction as he walked through the door. Harry was in his arms when he addressed her; "Keep an eye on your son, will you, Lily," he said, his tone was joking but the laughter didn't reach his eyes, "He almost flew out the door when I came in."

Lily stood and walked over, guiltily taking him from Sirius arms. She pressed a kiss to Harry's cheek, "Sorry, baby."

"Sorry," the infant repeated with a wide smile, before kissing her back on the cheek.

"What's all this mess?" Sirius manoeuvred over the books and papers that were scattered about the floor.

Lily waved her wand and the books and papers gathered themselves into neat piles, "Just research."

Sirius glanced over at her and she saw a fleeting look of concern in his eyes before he turned his attention to the Prophet, "Did you find anything?" he asked; more out of politeness, she knew, as she was aware that Sirius had long given up hope that they could ever get James back.

"Nothing yet," she replied, with forced optimism. She bounced Harry on her hip, earning a laugh from him before he asked her to be put down. She did as he asked before she sat down on the couch, heavily.

"Have you heard from Moony lately?" Sirius asked, looking at her curiously.

Lily nodded, "Yes, he comes over quite often."

Sirius frowned, "I haven't seen him in weeks."

"Well, you are usually working," Lily stated, "I've told you whenever he comes by."

"He's avoiding me."

Lily didn't answer; it was too obvious for her to try to dismiss the statement. But she didn't want to get into another discussion about what had happened. About how things could have been done differently. If they had just trusted Remus...

_No. _She quickly nipped that train of thought in the bud. She wasn't going to waste time thinking about what they _should _have done back then. All that matters now is what they could do _now _to fix the mistakes they had made.

She had to look forward.

"I've applied for a place on the Healers training programme."

Sirius lifted up Harry, who had come to him with open arms, and regarding her searchingly for a moment. She felt irritated and uncomfortable under his glare, felt herself ready to snap at him. She knew what he was thinking; that she was wasting her time. Wasting her life away on something she could never change. But _she _didn't think that. She would never think that.

"Lily, those programmes take years to complete," he began, "Four years training and even then you're not fully qualified –"

"It's what I want to do, Sirius," she interrupted him, her tone leaving no room for discussion; "It's what I _have_ to do."

Sirius kept his eyes focused on the floor for a few moments before he looked up at her, his eyes almost pleading with her; "Lily, I miss him too," he said, sounding strangely vulnerable, "But...but he's gone. He's _gone,"_ he repeated, seeming to choke up as he did so; "He wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want you doing this."

"He wouldn't want me to give up on him –"

"I _know _that he wouldn't want you to do this," Sirius said with a certainty that convinced her it was true. But she was determined.

"He told me. He wanted you to move on if you ever lost him."

"Stop," she snapped, her tempering flaring up quickly and then it was gone. She shook her head, "I know what I'm doing, Sirius. If he had...if he had _died _then it would be different." She swallowed, before setting her jaw, "But he's _not _dead."

Sirius held her look quietly for a moment before he turned regretful eyes down to his godson. She followed his look down to her son; her little boy who would have to grow up without a father. She swallowed, the feeling almost painful as she did so. _No_,_ he wouldn't grow up without a father_, she vowed to herself. She would do everything in her power to bring him back.

And she _would _get him back.


	2. September 1986: Events In Motion

**Chapter One**

_September 1986..._

An explosion erupted in the middle of the room.

Severus stormed over to the student's desk, his black robes billowing behind him in perfect reflection of his fury, "Dearborn!" he snapped, furiously, as the terrified third year pushed himself up from the floor and cowered beneath the potion professor's glare; "Explain yourself."

"Uh...uh..." the boy stuttered; growing more petrified by the second, Severus noticed. He rolled his eyes and waved his wand, clearing the mess instantly, and turned his back, making his way to his desk; "Ten points from Hufflepuff. And you shall write an essay outlining everything you did wrong to be completed by Friday." He heard the boy heave an irritated sigh and turned dark eyes on him; the boy straightened and nodded immediately.

Severus held the boys look for a moment before glancing at the rest of the class, who were now all staring at him. He raised an eyebrow, "Well?" The class immediately resumed working on their potions.

Severus shook his head at the idiocy of his students and wondered, once again, why he had bothered to stay in the teaching profession. It had been five years since the Dark Lord had fallen and yet here he was; still following Dumbledore's orders. Was it gratitude that drove him to stay? Had that what it had been when he agreed to help Dumbledore protect Neville Longbottom? After all, he _had _been grateful. In one fell swoop, the Dark Lord had been eradicated and the threat to Lily was gone. It had been all he could do not to throw himself at the old man in thankfulness and pledge his undying loyalty to him when he had learned his old master's fate.

But Dumbledore had been quick to put a damper on his rapture, warning him that the Dark Lord would return. _Return? _Dumbledore had not elaborated on how that could be so, though he had a fair idea himself how it would be possible. Those suspicions had been confirmed over a year later during a conversation with Regulus, when he had revealed to him the true reasons why the old man had offered the youngest Black sanctuary; he had gone to him with information about the horcrux.

That horcrux had now been found and was currently locked up in some unknown location, for neither Regulus nor Dumbledore had been aware of how to destroy it. As far as Severus knew, the horcrux could be within these very walls. He almost shivered at the idea.

"Excuse me, Professor?" a young voice said tentatively at his side.

Severus glanced down at the young girl at his feet, "Miss Tonks?"

She held up the underside of her arm, revealing an ugly, blistering mark beginning to develop. He stared at it in horror for a moment before taking her arm gently; his tone, however, was not so gentle as he examined the injury; "How did this happen?"

"Uh...when the potion exploded, Sir," she stated, also straining to look at it.

"You should have told me immediately," he spoke in a clipped tone, "Dearborn, escort Miss Tonks to the infirmary and explain why she has been sent there," he shot a disapproving look in the boy's direction, before addressing the rest of the class; "If there are any other injuries please report them now." He waited a moment and, when he received no response in the affirmative, waved a hand, "Carry on."

_Idiots!_

Children really did drive him nuts sometimes. At thirteen years old they should know that magical injuries, especially those involving unknown potions, ought to be checked out immediately.

A few moments later the class was lining up to deliver samples of their potions and making their way from the classroom. Severus eyed the vials unenthusiastically; it would be a long night.

He already had a number of articles to get through concerning the Aurelius Foundation and, to top that off, the new project was due to start in little over a week and he had barely even had the time to read up on the necessary research for their first meeting. Although, from what he had heard from other members, the project was hardly ready to commence on its scheduled date. They hadn't even selected their Fellowship applicants yet!

Well, _he _had, he reflected, proudly.

But Severus knew well enough what that meant. It meant that within the next forty eight hours he would be bombarded with applications for the Advanced Healing Fellowship, for Eugene was always disorganised and probably hadn't even glanced at them yet. He smirked, remembering his tactic the previous year when they had embarked on the Libius Project; the old Healer had simply picked up an application at random and, without even reading the essentials, accepted the wizard. He had certainly come to regret _that._

Frankly, Severus didn't see why they bothered taking on Fellows; particularly when it came to the upcoming project, which had a very delicate focus and would in no way be completed by the time the Fellowship came to an end. Severus was fully prepared to spend the next few years working on this project.

If he were honest, he was fully prepared to _fail _at this project as well. He didn't think the undertaking was _impossible _by any means; but it was highly improbable that they would be successful. After all, medical researchers had been working on treatments on for years without success.

A few moments later, his Slytherin and Gryffindor NEWTs class began to pour their way into the room. With a resigned, silent sigh he pushed any thoughts of his extra-curricular ventures aside.

XXX

"Albus," Lily sighed in exasperation, "You must understand my reasons for asking this of you."

It had been almost a decade since she had left Hogwarts and, despite serving with him in the Order during the war, she couldn't help but think of him as her wise old headmaster from school; therefore, only on very rare occasions did she refer to him as anything other than 'Professor Dumbledore'. Though, at this particular moment, she was quite willing to throw aside all conduct of politeness and _beg _the old man for his help.

Dumbledore regarded her thoughtfully for a moment before, once again, glancing over the papers she had given him at the beginning of their meeting, "Lily, you are...highly unqualified for this position."

"But with your endorsement –"

"Ah, but my endorsement would offer little help in this case," he interrupted, "For what do I know of such things?"

Lily glared at him, feeling her frustration peak, "You are one of the most highly regarded wizards of all time. I am sure your endorsement will mean _something _to my application."

The old wizard regarded her almost with _amusement _she noted, furiously. Did he not realise how important this opportunity was to her?

"_You must understand the competitiveness of these programmes," _Dumbledore had stated at the beginning of their meeting. She felt herself puff out indignantly; she certainly had the necessary life experience, the determination and the motivation to be successful. Yes, she may be under qualified but it was not unheard of for witches and wizards to go straight from Healing Programmes onto Fellowship training. She knew it was unlikely but it was still worth applying and, with the endorsement of her former Headmaster, her chances of being accepted were much higher.

"Albus, what harm could it possibly do to you to consent to my request?"

"It is not harm to myself that concerns me," he replied, looking at her deeply.

She sighed, feeling the little energy she had had leave her; must she always fight this battle alone? Did _no one_ understand why she needed to do this? She had already had countless arguments with Sirius and Remus regarding the Fellowship; neither of them was happy with the idea and neither had offered her any support.

It wasn't that she felt the same desperation she had felt five years before, when all she could think about was James and how to get him back and all that she had lost. That desperation had left her when Harry, at the age of two, started asking her why she was never home; it wouldn't do that her son should lose them both. So she had stopped her frantic searching. But she still lived in hope that her husband could one day come back to them; and this was one of the things she coulddo to help make that hope a reality. After all, it was necessary for her to complete an Internship before she would be fully certified as a Healer and, while a Fellowship was normally taken on afterwards, there were no rules that stated that must be so. Therefore she could complete the Fellowship and gain her qualification, all the while doing what she could to find a suitable treatment for James.

Maybe by the time the Fellowship ended, she and Harry would have him back. And they could be a family again.

Lily sighed, "I'm tired, Dumbledore. I'm tired of fighting; not just for my husband, but against everyone who claims to care about me. You, Sirius, Remus," she shook her head, "If you really cared, you would support me. You would understand why I'm asking this of you," she glared at him in what she knew was a childlike manner, but she couldn't help it, "It's not like I'm asking a great favour, after all."

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled slightly and she caught the slight turn-up of his lip at her defiant attitude. After a moments of regarding her, during which time she was sure her vision blurred for a moment, he leaned back; "Very well, Lily."

She straightened with a childish excitement, her eyes wide.

"I shall endorse your application," she made to thank him but he continued, "But I must warn you; do not become too eager. As I have said, my endorsement is not a guarantee that you will be accepted."

Lily rolled her eyes, her previous delight successfully diminished by the old man's pessimism; "Thank you, Professor."

While she _was _thankful, she was also left with a feeling of profound irritation as she made her way back to the home she shared with Sirius and Harry that evening. She really _was_ sick of fighting; she was tired of the concerned looks, the frequent arguments she had to endure with her friends – and not just _her _friends, but _James' _friends too; they, of all people, should understand – she was tired of Harry's questions, of his frequent referring to his father as if he were gone. Because Sirius had made sure that, even if she would never accept it, that her son would. And that had infuriated her when she found out.

_It's not fair to give a little boy false hope, _Sirius had growled at her during the argument that ensued. An argument that had been followed by another, just as passionate, when Remus told her that he believed the same thing. Though Remus, at least, had courtesy to mind his own business and, despite voicing his disapproval to her, did not go out of his way to inform the boy that he would probably never have his father back.

The only thing that Lily could be grateful for was that Sirius had, apparently, began ensuring Harry was aware of it from a young age, young enough to not really understand what has godfather was telling him. As such, the fact that his father wasn't involved in his life and was currently in St Mungo's became normality for him and she never really had to explain it to him. That she was grateful for; she supposed it was better that he not expect him to return and then be surprised, rather than constantly waiting until his father would walk through the door.

"Mum! Look!" the six year old spotted her immediately as she entered the house and proceeded to fly towards her on the new broom Sirius had bought for him.

She smiled as he jumped off and greeted her with a hug; "Where were you?"

"I was at Hogwarts School."

His eyes brightened immediately, "That's the school I'll be going to, isn't it?"

"That's right," she confirmed as she removed her cloak, "Where's Uncle Sirius?"

"In the kitchen with Uncle Remus," Harry said, disinterestedly, as he climbed back onto his broom.

"With Remus?" she repeated in surprise.

"Yeah. They said it was private talk. But since they're talking about you, it won't matter if yougo in," he said, innocently, as his broom lifted off the ground.

Lily rolled her eyes; it was fairly obvious what they were talking about then. She walked into the kitchen without knocking. She noticed the two of them become silent, guilty expressions evident, before breaking into forced smiles; "Alright, Lily?" Sirius greeted her, "Didn't hear you come in."

Remus lifted a hand, his smile turning genuine, in acknowledgement; "Hi Lily."

"Hello Remus," she smiled, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he replied, quickly, with a glance in the direction of the window, before back at her, "How about you?"

Lily nodded, raising an arch eyebrow, "Also fine."

"How'd it go with Dumbledore?" Sirius got right to the point, "Did he agree to do it?" Both he and Remus regarded her with undisguised curiosity.

"Yes, he did," was all she offered, walking over to the stove, "Would either of you like some tea?"

"No, thanks."

"Not for me."

Lily set about preparing one for herself, though she really didn't fancy it anyway.

"Did he say anything else?" Remus asked.

Lily sighed, "Such as?"

"Such as – _'why?'_" Sirius offered, leaning back in his chair. Lily shook her head;

"No. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he didn't."

"Lily –"

"Remus," she interrupted him and turned to face him, "I'm really _not _in the mood. I'm not getting into this with you two tonight," she looked back and forth between them, "Did you really think ganging up on me like some sort of intervention would stop me from doing this?"

"Lily," Remus leaned forward, speaking to her with rare insistence, "It's been five years. It's...it's time to move on. You've put your life on hold long enough."

Lily crossed her arms over her chest, "It's not like I'm not living, Remus. I have a son, I have friends. I've almost completed my training –"

"Yes, training which was taken on as a direct result of what happened to James," Remus rejoined, "With the intention of bringing him back –"

"It may have started that way, but I'm hardly indifferent to what I do," she reasoned, for it was true. She _did _enjoy what she was doing; what made her chose that path was irrelevant; "I stopped only focusing on James' problem over a year ago. I have moved on, as best I can. I go out; I socialise," she couldn't believe she was, yet again, defending herself to them; "But, considering the circumstances, it would be foolish of me _not _to try and get a place on this Fellowship."

"Lily –"

"Sirius," she stopped him, "Please. Are you trying to tell me if you had the chance to...to find out something that could help him; to be involved in something that might possibly bring him back that you wouldn't take it?"

Sirius was silent and she knew she'd got to him. She glanced over at the other man;

"And you, Remus?"

"That's different," Sirius spoke up, "You make every decision based on what you _think _James would want. You act like he's..."

"Like he's what?" she prompted, lowly.

"Like...like it's for sure that he's coming back," Sirius elaborated, "Look, I'm not saying that it's _impossible. _But..." he hesitated for a moment, "But you can't live every day _expecting _that."

Lily held his glare a moment but, knowing she didn't have the energy to get into a deeper argument just shook her head and turned away. She _had _done her best to live her life; she still _enjoyed_ life. Even then, she knew they were right. Deep down, she knew she couldn't make every decision based on what she thought James would want. But she couldn't help it. She had done it for so long. She had believed for so long that he would come back.

She didn't really know how to deal with the alternative.

So she just refused to believe it.

XXX

Severus' suspicions proved right to an extent; Eugene _hadn't _selected his candidates for the Fellowship however he had surprised him by not yet asking him to review the candidates for him. He was currently wandering the older wizard's office, awaiting some new articles that were necessary for them to study prior to the commencement of the project and was definitely getting impatient. He'd been waiting for almost twenty minutes!

He glanced at the applications for the Fellowship that lay on his desk and curiously picked them up, deciding to have a skim through the various potential colleagues he would be working with. Most of the ones he read over were older wizards who had long ago completed their Internships; only a few of them were young and newly qualified. They obviously knew that experience was an important aspect to the project and few of them would have had such at their age.

"Sorry, Severus," Eugene said, as he walked into the room, looking over some papers. He separated them out and handed some to him, "Here are the articles we discussed."

Severus took them and looked over them briefly, while the older wizard glanced through the papers in his hands. After a moment Severus looked up as the other wizard scoffed and saw him role his eyes. At Severus' questioning look he explained;

"Fellowship application. Under qualified," he rolled it up and walked around his desk.

"If they're under qualified, why accept the application at all?" Severus wondered aloud as he took a seat on the other side of the desk.

"Well, this application comes with the endorsement of Albus Dumbledore."

Severus' head snapped up at that. He frowned; "Dumbledore?"

"Your boss, right?"

Severus nodded and indicated to the application; "May I?"

Eugene shrugged and handed the application over to him; "Please yourself. Of course there's no way I can accept her. She hasn't even completed her training!" he said in laughter, "I wonder at the old wizard accepting..."

Eugene's voice completely drowned out as Severus stared at the application before him. _Lily Potter's application. Lily! _Severus couldn't believe the sight before him; though, he supposed, it wasn't really a surprise that she would attempt to win a spot on the project. After all, considering her family's circumstances...

Severus shook distasteful thoughts of James Potter from his mind and continued to read over the application; the personal statement went into rather personal detail of her experiences dealing with the after effects of the Cruciatus, not only including the _s_ituation with Potter, but also the shorter term effects she had experienced during the war. Severus almost rolled his eyes; how unprofessional to include such intimate details of her own life on the application. But Lily always was a sentimental fool who believed in other people's capacity for compassion.

He supposed she was as naive as always.

"I believe," Severus began, stopping Eugene mid-sentence, and without really thinking about what he was doing, "That this young lady could be a valuable addition to our team."

Eugene took a moment to comprehend what Severus has said and then frowned, "Indeed?"

Severus raised an eyebrow, before waving a hand over the application generally, "She definitely has experience dealing with the kinds of patients that we are going to encounter."

"But, Severus, she is under qualified!"

"As you have said, however I...once knew this witch," he stated, with as much detachment as possible, "We attended Hogwarts together; she was a very impressive student."

Eugene regarded him sceptically, "This project is hardly on par with a Hogwarts education."

"Yes, but I know her character," Severus said, more assertively this time, "She is very determined to succeed, which will be beneficial in this project. As well as that, there will be her added determination and enthusiasm due to her current circumstances," he waved his hand generally over the papers once again, "As outlined in her application."

Eugene was silent, at first continuing to regard him, and then seeming to stare at nothing for a moment. He glanced back at him and then raised a hand to his chin, before he grinned, teasingly, "Could it be? Could it be that Severus Snape is actually offering _his_ endorsement for this candidate?"

Severus, part of him saying he didn't know why he should agree and the other knowing without doubt, shrugged, "I suppose one may see it that way."

Eugene's grin widened further. He took the application from Severus' hands and glanced over the application once again; "Lily Potter" he said her name aloud, before he glanced up at Severus, "You are certain about this? Our colleagues will not take kindly to me accepting yet _another _dunderhead," he said, referring to his previous candidate. Severus smirked slightly at the reminder before answering assuredly;

"I believe her to be a very capable candidate."

Eugene glanced back down at the application for a moment, before saying thoughtfully, "Well...I suppose I would be a fool to ignore the endorsements of both yourself and Dumbledore..." after a few seconds more of staring at the application he shrugged and looked up; "Well, I suppose. What's the worst that could happen?"

_What, indeed?_


	3. September 1986: Children and Fools

**Chapter Two**

Harry Potter was only six years old but he was more perceptive than his caregivers gave him credit for. He often heard the arguments his Uncle Sirius and his mother would have when they thought he was asleep, arguments pertaining to James Potter – his father, whom he had never seen. He could tell every time that his Uncles were in the same room together that something was wrong, that there was a tension between them that they never spoke of. He knew his mother was waiting for something; he knew she was waiting on his father coming home.

They never really spoke about his father – not to him, anyway. Sirius had told him he was a brave man, that Harry was just like him and that James loved him very much. His mother had said that 'daddy' had to go away. When he asked her when he'd be coming back she had just looked at his Uncle Sirius and then looked away; she didn't answer him. He didn't know what that meant. Did it mean that he wasn't going to come back? He'd heard about things that had happened in the war, about people disappearing and no one knowing where they went. He had once wondered if that's what happened to his dad.

It wasn't recently that Ron had revealed the truth to him; that his father was in St Mungo's because of what Death Eaters had done to him. When Harry asked how he knew, he told him that he had overheard his parents talking about it and then had it confirmed by George.

How was it that the Weasleys knew better than him about his own family?

Why didn't they tell him the truth?

"We did tell you the truth, Harry," his Uncle Sirius attempted to explain, as he sat down next to him on the couch, "We never lied to you."

"You said he had to go away," the six year old said, accusingly.

Sirius sighed and nodded, "That's right. He did."

"But he didn't go away," Harry said, impatiently, becoming frustrated, "He's at St Mungo's. I'm not stupid, you know."

His uncle looked surprised for a moment before regarding him with admiration and reaching over to tousle his hair, "No, you're not," he stopped, looking thoughtful, before he went on, "Harry, when we said your dad's gone...we meant that...what we meant is it's not _really _your dad that's there."

Harry was confused. How could his dad be there but not r_eally _be there?

"What do you mean?"

Sirius shifted and glanced at the door; Harry realised he was hoping that his mum would come home, then he wouldn't have to be the one to tell him. _Fat chance. _His mum was much too busy to come home at this time of the day.

"Harry, it's...you see how you and me talk," he began, "and how we play?"

"Yeah?"

"Well," Sirius looked confused, "Well, your dad used to do all that. But...he can't anymore."

"How come?"

"Because...because he was injured," Sirius said, before putting his arm around him and pulling Harry into a sort-of hug, "You said Ron told you that Death Eaters hurt him?" Harry nodded and Sirius confirmed it as truth.

Harry frowned; that still didn't answer his question; "But, he's still _there _isn't he? Just because he can't play, doesn't mean he's gone."

He looked up at his Uncle Sirius curiously, who looked very befuddled and concerned; "Well...you see...Harry, he isn't the same man he was," he squeezed his shoulder, "It's...it's like there's no one really there," he stopped before looking at the boy, "It's like there's no one _inside _anymore."

Harry's brow furrowed in continued confusion as he looked away, thoughtfully. A moment later he looked at Sirius questioningly, "You mean, like his soul is gone?"

Sirius looked stunned for a moment before he smiled softly and nodded, "Yes. That's...that's exactly what it is."

"And no one's really anything without a soul," Harry said, with innocent thoughtfulness, "Right?"

Sirius looked tongue-tied for a moment and then, upon closer inspection, the little boy realised his uncle was upset. Feeling guilty he wrapped his arms around the older man's waist and gave him a tight hug; "It's okay, Uncle Sirius. I understand."

He heard him laugh before he felt his uncle press a kiss to the top of his head, "Better than I expected you to, I'll give you that. Just as smart as your dad was, you are."

Harry smiled back at him, only slightly this time. He looked down at the floor, becoming contemplative once again. His godfather ruffled his hair again; "You alright?"

Harry didn't respond for a minute, before he looked up and spoke, uncertainly, "Ron says..." he hesitated, but Sirius' warm look gave him a boost in confidence. He smiled, slightly sheepishly, "Ron says that...that _you _are like my dad," he stated, "Because you live with me and mum," he continued, and then went on, "And because you come to all my school things, and, you know, because you help me when I need it. And, you and mum love each other, right?" he hesitated, noting his uncle's expression. He shied away, slightly, "You think I'm being silly."

Sirius smiled and shook his head, "No, I don't think you're being silly," he frowned a little, "I'm...I just think you might be a bit...confused."

Harry crossed his arms and glared at him, "I'm not a baby," he snapped.

"Harry, I know that," Sirius laughed, softly, "But...the way me and your mum love each other is very different. It's not the same as the way your dad and her loved each other. And the way your dad loved _you_, is different from the way_ I_ love you."

"But..." Harry hesitated, not really sure if what he was going to say would be taken well; "But I love you _more _than I love him..." he paused, "And...and I love Uncle Remus more than I love him, too. And mum's not here that much..." He looked at him, bewildered by his own feelings, "And Ron said that you're supposed to love your mum and dad more than anyone else!"

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, before looking at his godson, almost with pity; "Harry, Ron's family life is very different from yours. And it's okay for you to have feelings that don't seem right to other people," he pressed a finger to the little boy's chest with a smile, "Don't let anyone tell you any different."

Harry looked down for a moment, before he looked up and regarded his godfather carefully. After a few seconds he smiled brightly, "Can you take me to that muggle carnival now? You promised you would."

Sirius looked surprised for a moment before he laughed and, releasing the boy from his embrace, gave him a gentle punch on the arm, "Sure. Go and get your muggle clothes on."

"Okay!" Harry called excitedly, as he hurried from the room. Any questions he had about James Potter fully satisfied for the time being.

XXX

Sirius debated whether or not to tell Lily the full details of his discussion with Harry. Of course he would have to tell her about his questions regarding James, and his answers to those questions. But, what he wasn't sure about, was telling her that the boy was beginning to become confused by the 'family dynamics', to put it simply. After all, Sirius was used to having them living with him; more than that, he enjoyed having them live with him, particularly due to the bond he had been able to develop with Harry.

After leaving Hogwarts, James had been quick to move in with Sirius and, not long after they joined the Order, Lily also moved in. Just before he and Lily married, James had bought a larger house and asked Sirius to move in with them again – Sirius wasn't sure how Lily had felt about that at the time but she had kept quiet any objections, at least when he was around. Therefore, with the exception of when James and Lily went into hiding, Sirius had always been used to Lily living with him. And, after the events of 1981, she and Harry had come back.

She had made it very evident to him that she appreciated him being there frequently during the first few months. She was often afraid that Death Eaters would come after her again, as they had done with her and James immediately after the war, and during those few months Remus had also stayed with them. However, over time Remus eventually moved back to his own place and nothing else was said. Neither Lily nor Sirius had suggested he leave in the time that passed; nor had it even came up theoretically. It was simply normality.

No; the only person who had ever questioned the living situation was, apparently, Harry. And Sirius was left wondering how long his godson had bothered himself with the thought. In addition to that, the boy's confusion over the situation with his father as well as, what seemed to be, his confusion over the feelings he should have towards James. Perhaps it had been a mistake to shield him so much from what had happened?

Sirius sighed in resignation; he would have to tell Lily. Even if it did lead to her deciding it was time for him to leave them, if that was better for Harry...

He almost jumped when the door slammed closed behind him. He looked over his shoulder quickly, before smiling in greeting; "Hey, Lil'."

"Sirius!" Lily was positively beaming as she hurried over to him, "Sirius, you'll never guess what happened," she thrust out at envelope to him. Sirius regarded her carefully, completely taken aback by the unusual elation, before taking the envelope from her hands.

"What happened?" he asked, keeping his eyes on her, as he slowly opened the envelope.

"I was accepted," she said, her eyes and smile bright. His brow furrowed slightly; _sure not..._

"To the Fellowship," she elaborated, and his hands froze, "For the Aurelius Foundation, you remember?"

_Of course I remember._

After all, it was something that stemmed from one of their most frequent, heated arguments; her fixation on finding a cure for James.

He started when he noticed Lily looking at him expectantly and realised he'd been staring. He cleared his throat and pulled out the letter that was in the envelope. He glanced down at it briefly, taking in what it said; simply that they were pleased to offer her a place on Project Dorado within the Aurelius Foundation; preliminary training due to commence two weeks following.

Sirius' brow furrowed once again. _How was this possible? _He had looked into the project thoroughly once Lily had mentioned it to him and was certain that she didn't qualify to be accepted. He shrugged slightly, he supposed her being accepted despite not being fully qualified was something that she should be proud of, something he should congratulate her for and share her delight in. And he normally would – but under these circumstances...

He felt the letter be snatched from his hands, startling him from his thoughts. He immediately noticed the hurt and annoyance on Lily's face. He quickly recovered himself; "That's great, Lily. Congratulations."

She shook her head, "You don't have to pretend to be pleased for me, Sirius. I can already see what you're thinking." She made her way towards the kitchen.

Sirius got up and followed, "Just trying to be a friend, Lil'."

Lily glanced over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow, "A friend would be pleased that I'd gotten a place on such a prestigious fellowship."

"Ah," he raised a finger, "But a _good _friend would understand why this particular fellowship isn't in your best interests."

She rolled her eyes, "I assume Harry's asleep?"

"Yes," Sirius confirmed, "He tried to wait up."

She nodded, "It's good that he didn't, it's late."

"Yeah, it is," Sirius agreed, before going on as he remembered part of what his godson had said to him earlier; "You'll probably be out a lot later, a lot more than you already are, when you start this project."

"I suppose that's true," she concurred, beginning to pour herself a glass of milk, "But I can handle it."

"But can Harry?"

Lily's hand paused, her hand that held the milk carton suspended in mid-air for a moment. She turned dark eyes on him; a warning, really; "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sirius hesitated, only slightly uncertain about what he was about to say; "Just that Harry's been mentioning you being away a lot. He's starting to think it's normal that you're not home."

"Are you suggesting I'm not taking care of my son?" she asked, quickly, defensively.

"Well, who's the one here when he gets home from school?"

Lily's eyes flashed furiously; it was a familiar sight really, so he wasn't too alarmed; "Sirius, if this is one of your tactics to stop me from accepting this fellowship," she seethed, "Then you can just stop right now."

"Look, it's not about the bloody fellowship, it's about Harry –"

"Well, if it _bothers _you that much being here, I'm sure Remus would be more than happy to stay with him while I'm at work –"

"That's not what I meant!"

"No, really, Sirius," she stopped him, holding up a hand, "If my son is such a burden –"

"Don't give me that!" he spat, his temper successfully ignited by the accusation, "You know that's not what I meant; I'd never complain about taking care of him. It's just be nice if the kid knew that his _mother _cared about him just as much."

She held a finger to his face; "Don't you dare say that I'm not a good mother. _Everything_ I'm doing is for Harry," her eyes darkened, angrily; "He knows that."

Sirius was ready to state that the boy _didn't _know that, but really he didn't know himself what Harry knew. Yes, he knew he was confused; that he was curious; even concerned. But, as far as Sirius could remember, he had never questioned his mother's love for him or even why his mother was never home. Maybe he knew that Lily was trying to get his father back for him?

"Mum?"

They both turned at the small voice that sounded by the door; Harry stood there, rubbing his eyes, sleepily. He smiled at them, "You're home."

Sirius glanced over at Lily; notice the look she gave him, the guilty expression. Saw her swallow before she smiled brightly at her son and walked over to him, leaned down to give him a kiss and draw him into a hug;

"Hello, baby," she leaned back to look at him, "You should be asleep."

Harry shrugged, "I can't sleep." They both knew it was a lie; they could tell from his dishevelled appearance that the boy had already been asleep, and had likely woken to the sounds of their argument.

Lily reached up, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. Harry drew back bashfully with a smile; "Do you want me to read you a story?" she asked him.

Harry's eyes widened before he nodded quickly; "Uh huh."

"Okay," Lily stood up; "Say goodnight to Uncle Sirius."

Harry hurried over to him, giving him a brief hug and fleeing from the room; "Night, Uncle Sirius!" he called over his shoulder.

"Goodnight, Harry," he called back before his eyes met with Lily's. The two of them held their look for a moment; Sirius wasn't really sure what her look was meant to convey and before he had a chance to, she had turned and followed her son.

XXX

"You're a right dunderhead."

Regulus Black, with his usual, irritating, twinkling eyes and teasing smirk, was regarding him over his pumpkin juice.

Severus couldn't, for the life of him, give a reason _why _he had mentioned the fact that he had encouraged and, by doing so brought about, the employment of such an inappropriate candidate for the fellowship position. Regulus had been baffled at what he had done and remained confused during his entire explanation of the dilemma until he finally asked who the candidate in question was; the look of realisation on Regulus' face when he told him – _Lily Potter – _had horrified him.

Severus had never really considered how transparent his feelings towards Lily had been to Regulus over the years. After all, after they had left Hogwarts he had barely, if ever, mentioned her. But he knew that Regulus had an inkling ever since the Dark Lord had announced his intentions to hunt the Potter family; Severus had been frantic and Regulus, while never actually making any frank statements regarding Lily, had often dropped hints that he knew of Severus' feelings and his change of loyalties.

Thinking back now, he supposed it was rather suspicious that Regulus had never actually pushed him for his reasons for turning to Dumbledore. Neither of them had known for sure that the other was spying during the war, and it wasn't until after the Dark Lord had fallen and Dumbledore had vouched on both of their behalf that each of them discovered one another's defected.

Severus had wasted no time in finding out why Regulus had defected and how he had gotten Dumbledore's approval. Regulus hadn't been able to give a concrete reason for his defection, other than that he had a change of heart, and had, with some reluctance, told him about the horcrux he had discovered. Regulus had asked how Severus had gotten Dumbledore on his side; Severus had told him he revealed the Dark Lord's intentions to hunt the Potters, due to the prophecy.

Regulus hadn't pushed further, but he had had the same knowing glint he currently had at this moment.

"Wipe that stupid smirk off your face," Severus snapped, feeling increasingly irritated. What he had told him was not amusing in the least!

"Or what, you'll take ten points off Slytherin?" Regulus chuckled, eyeing him with undisguised amusement, "You don't scare me; I'm not one of your students."

Severus glared at him, before responding with a completely off-topic statement; "My students aren't afraid of me."

Regulus snorted, "That's not what Andromeda says; little Dora's petrified of you."

_Tonks was afraid of him? Why, the little...he had never said a bad word to her in her life!_

"Well it would do her well to develop a thicker skin," Severus said, tersely, "I treat all my students equally."

"Hence, they are _all _afraid of you."

Severus didn't really want to think about that. He had done his best with the students entrusted in his care. True, he was a little short with them at times but he was determined that they should learn. How else would they be able to protect themselves when the Dark Lord returned? What good would it do them if he were to pat their backs and wipes their noses; they needed to be pushed and learn to take care of themselves. Coddling children, particularly at such a fragile age, would do nothing to help them in the future, other than turn them into incompetent pansies completely incapable of defending themselves or making any useful contribution to the war effort.

Besides, there were far more pressing things on his mind; Lily Evans – _Lily Potter_, he reminded himself. The name, not even spoken, left a bitter taste in his mouth. He still found it difficult to comprehend; that someone as intelligent, as beautiful, as _wonderful _as Lily Evans should be drawn in by the likes of James Potter.

He rolled his eyes at his own thoughts; thinking about Lily and Potter made him feel like he was back at school again, he mused, as he was once again filled with the same bitterness he had felt while at Hogwarts towards the Gryffindor Prince.

Those thoughts would do no good to him now, he attempted to reason with himself. What happened in the past was irrelevant...to an extent, anyway. After all, Potter wasn't someone he was willing to concern himself with. It was thoughts of Lily that had filled his mind for the past two weeks.

The introductory meeting for Project Dorado was in a couple of days and he had found himself becoming increasingly nervous at the idea of coming face to face with her once again. They had occasionally passed one another since the war ended; once during a Hogsmeade festival, twice in Diagon Alley. Both times they hadn't acknowledged one another; he had seen her and had noticed her glance at him out the corner of her eye. But they had never spoken.

And that's what weighed most on his mind; what would he say? What did they have to say to one another, really? _How's life? _

Lily's life, he was aware, was not one of pleasure; in fact, he was able to draw from the simple fact that she had bothered to apply for this fellowship, despite not being qualified for it, was due entirely to James Potter. Clearly she still held out hope for his recovery and, apparently, was willing to do everything she could to aid it. He wondered if she would have done the same for him if...

_Stop._

He would not allow himself to think of such trivial matters. Of things that _might _have been. It was irrational; and a complete waste of time. They were no longer children; they were adults. And soon to be work colleagues. He was certain he had the maturity to conduct himself as such.

He had gotten himself into worse situations. How irrational would it be if he were able to handle spying on one of the most powerful wizards of all time, for one of the _other _most powerful wizards of all time, and not be able to handle being in the same room with Lily Potter?

Severus was only mildly comforted by the thought; for he had a feeling that, if just thinking about her could take him back to the time that he was that scared, insecure little boy; that seeing her again, in the flesh, may just have the same affect.

Severus sighed in exasperation, that feeling of nervousness beginning to come over him once again at the thought. He really couldn't predict how their first meeting would go; would it be hostile? Possibly. Would it be awkward? Most definitely. Friendly?

He scoffed at the last idea; of course it wouldn't be friendly. _Of that _he was certain.

He rolled his eyes at himself, before they focused once again on Regulus; who was regarding him with that same sparkle in his eyes and that teasing and all-too-knowing grin.

Severus scowled at him.

And Regulus laughed.


	4. October 1986: My Brother's Keeper

Chapter Three

"When will you be home?"

Lily glanced over at her son, who was looking at her with inquisitive eyes, and paused as she made to put on her cloak. She felt a stab of guilt at the expression on his face, one she had often seen but one she had often pushed to the back of her mind; it was that innocent, lost look in his eyes, that confused and questioning look. She wondered if he ever thought she wasn't going to come home?

Sirius had struck a nerve with her during their argument the fortnight before now; she wasn't willing to admit it to him, but she knew that Harry was beginning to question things. She knew he wanted her home and that it hurt him when she wasn't there as much as Sirius was. But when she looked at her acquaintances, most of them worked also. Or their husbands worked and they stayed at home with their children; that wasn't an option in her case. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't simply give everything up and stay at home; it wasn't practical.

All of the money she and James had, money mostly inherited from his parents, she had spent on the various treatments that had been offered to correct James' injuries; so many different remedies and methods, medical and holistic. None of them worked; but they had taken up most of their savings and the meagre wage she received during her Healers apprenticeship wasn't doing much to fill the void.

In fact, she was very lucky to be starting the fellowship; the money she would get from that was significantly higher than what she would have received had she been starting an internship. She would have been horrified if she had to turn to Sirius for money; and it wouldn't do for her to not be able to help Remus out when he needed it either.

"Mum?"

She was brought out of her thoughts by Harry's voice. She looked at him, noticing his uncertainty as he repeated his question; "When will you be home?"

Lily forced a smile, "I won't be too late tonight, Sweetheart. I think the first meeting will just be a few hours."

Harry looked unconvinced but smiled and nodded, "Okay. Can I have a story before bed, again?"

Lily frowned, "You always get a story before bed."

"Not with you."

The little boy's tone was almost accusing; Lily wondered if she was imagining it. After all, she had been more on edge than usual the past week.

While she was nervous about the project itself and the challenges she would soon be facing, she was also nervous about the people she would be working with.

She hadn't really thought about Severus Snape much since she had left Hogwarts. He, and their friendship, was simply a memory to her now. However, on the occasions that she did think about him, she was left wondering what had become of him since they had left school. As far as she knew, he had never went to trial for Death Eater involvement – she was unsure if that meant he hadn't joined them or if it meant that he had just been clever enough to escape being discovered. And she knew better than anyone not to underestimate his intelligence.

However, she was certain that there hadn't even been a whisper of accusation against him – not from any official sources, anyway. Of course Sirius and James were always insistent that he was involved, but even they were not certain. However, his well-known relationship with Regulus Black made it seem likely; Black, unlike Severus, _had _been accused of being a Death Eater. While it was never confirmed officially, Sirius had stated that it was something he expected his brother to do.

"Mum!" Harry was becoming impatient now; she looked at him quickly, noticing the hurt look in his eyes that she had drifted into a world of her own again.

"Yes, of course you can have a story with me," she assured him, before finally pulling her cloak on, "Come here." He stepped towards her, obediently; she drew him into a hug and pressed a kiss to his forehead, "I love you, Sweetheart."

Harry wiggled out of her arms but smiled slightly, "Love you too, Mum."

"And be good for Uncle Remus today," she warned.

He broke into a wide smile, "He's taking me to Diagon Alley."

"I know, he told me," she tucked her wand into her sleeve, "I don't want to hear that you've been up to mischief."

"I don't think Uncle Remus would tell you, anyway," he stated, with unabashed honesty.

Lily laughed; knowing Remus, he probably wouldn't. Harry had him wrapped round his finger.

"Just be good," she gave him another kiss on the cheek, "I'll see you later tonight."

"Bye."

"Goodbye, Harry."

She stepped out of the house, her thoughts once again free to return to Severus.

She had known ever since she had discovered that the Aurelius Foundation was offering a Fellowship in Neurological Maladies due to Dark Magic that Severus was one of the team members. She hadn't really cared much about that at the time; if getting James back meant that she had to work with Severus then that was something she would have to do.

In fact, she had intended to go to him and beg for a spot on the Fellowship, had she been rejected. While begging Severus Snape for anything was one of the most degrading things she could imagine having to do, she would have done it if it meant furthering the progress of James' recovery. While the two were no longer friends, she had hoped that their history – their much earlier history – would encourage him to have compassion and see to it that she could have the spot; perhaps even speak with Regulus Black, if the Head of the project had refused. She was sure Black would have overruled Healer Hopkins, had Severus spoken on her behalf... at least she thought –

But that didn't matter now. She _hadn't _had to beg him for anything; therefore she would be able to face Severus with her dignity still intact. Even then, even though it hadn't started with her owing him anything, she still found herself nervous, edgy at the idea of seeing him again. It hadn't seemed like such a big deal prior to applying, even when she was first accepted, but as the time drew nearer she felt tense, anxious. What would she say to him? How should she act? Their final year at Hogwarts had been anything but friendly; she could still remember the hostility that had suddenly presented itself from him when she and James had started dating. Prior to that, he had simply ignored her.

But would he still be hostile now? Would he even _care _that she was on the project? Perhaps he would; he always looked for the best results, had very high expectations when it came to the pursuit of knowledge, and to be lumbered with some under qualified ex-best-friend probably wouldn't go down well with him.

She closed her eyes, attempting to calm her nerves, drawing in a deep breath, thinking to herself:

I can do this for James.

I can do this for Harry.

For my family.

XXX

"Nervous?"

Regulus grinned at Severus, as he stormed around the house gathering his paperwork and necessities for the upcoming meeting. He only glared at him in response, before rolling his eyes in a way that told him to, for once, stop his foolishness. Regulus' ever-cheerfulness irritated him frequently however, as he glanced over at his friend, who had turned to look out the window with that familiar, distant expression, he was reminded that the person he portrayed to the world wasn't reflective of the person inside.

For the first time that day, Severus' thoughts wandered away from concern about his first meeting with Lily in eight years, to concern for the man before him.

He couldn't deny that Regulus was good-humoured; that he was cheeky, cheerful and overly optimistic. Anyone who ever met him could tell you that; but they rarely, if ever, had seen what Severus had seen. That lost look; that fear in his eyes; the guilt that lingered just below the surface.

Severus had always known that Regulus didn't have what it took to be a Death Eater; he was too compassionate, too lacking in hatred and vengeance. He may have held the pureblood prejudices, but not to the point that he wanted to eradicate those who didn't meet the standards. It wasn't until a few months after the war ended that Severus realised the extent to which Regulus had been affected. Over the Christmas period of 1981 he had stayed with him at Grimmauld Place; had heard him whimpering before waking suddenly in the room next to him, enough evidence of the nightmares that plagued him. Severus had been concerned from then; but it wasn't until the following month that he realised the extent to which his friend was troubled.

In January 1982, Regulus had told him his intention of beginning a foundation; a foundation intending to help the families who were struggling to return to their normal lives following the war. From what Severus could remember, Regulus was willing to put every last penny he had inherited into the project.

Severus had been aghast at the idea; after all, it was at this time that said families were crying out for Regulus to be sent to Azkaban for being a Death Eater! It didn't matter that no one put forward evidence, that Dumbledore had vouched for him; he was still targeted by those seeking justice. And here he was, willing to give up everything to _help _them?

But Regulus had been determined and, after Severus had been unable to take a large role in the organisation due to his employment at Hogwarts, he had gone to his cousin, Andromeda Tonks, for assistance. And, together, they made it; The Aurelius Foundation was born.

Severus knew the reason behind it all. Sure, Regulus was definitely cursed with being a lot more generous and compassionate than most wizards were; but even he was not so to the point of dedicating his life to the helping of others. It was remorse that was behind it; shame that had driven him to it.

Regulus Black was seeking absolution.

It worried Severus sometimes, just how badly Regulus appeared to deal with what had happened during the war. For Severus, it was like flipping a switch; but he supposed it was different for him. He wasn't as involved in the hands-on missions as Regulus had been, being more skilled in spell-creation and potion making, so he supposed his friend had more horrible memories to deal with. It wasn't so much Regulus feeling remorseful for what he had done that concerned him; it was the way he tried to hide it.

He had founded an organisation that reached out to war veterans, encouraged them to come together, to communicate their difficulties and to, ultimately, let go. That was the whole concept of Aurelius in the first place. The fact that Regulus didn't do that, that he chose to live with his grief, hold onto it even, when he knew the importance of letting it go, was willing to help people do that, worried him. When would he stop punishing himself for it?

A knock at the door startled him; Regulus made to walk by him, while Severus quickly finished packing up his things, and followed him – if he didn't hurry he would be late. He was behind Regulus when the door was pulled open, revealing one of the people he most hated in the world:

"Black," Severus all but spat the word out.

Sirius Black's expression quickly changed to one of disgust as he realised who stood behind his younger brother, "Snape."

The three of them stood silently for what seemed like hours. Severus glaring at Sirius; Sirius glaring back at him; Regulus between them both, looking confused.

"What are you doing here, Sirius?" Regulus' voice was surprising strong; and incredibly hostile.

"I came to talk to my brother," Sirius stated, eyes finally leaving Severus' to look at Regulus, "Didn't know you'd have such unpleasant company." Severus couldn't see Regulus' face, but he could tell from the slight diminish in Sirius' confidence that he wasn't regarding his brother with any brotherly love.

"You're not welcome here," Regulus said, bluntly, before attempting to close the door.

"Wow, hey! Wait a minute!" Sirius was laughing nervously, without humour, quickly slamming an arm against the door to keep it open; "Come on, Reg, I just want to talk –"

"I don't believe your brother feels like talking –"

"Mind your own business, Snivellus!"

"Oh, fuck off, Sirius!" Regulus snapped, "Whatever you have to say I don't want to hear it."

"Prefer Death Eater company do you?"

Severus noticed Regulus flinch, almost imperceptibly, and, with a sudden protectiveness that almost overwhelmed him, he drew his wand and shoved it in Sirius Black's face; "Get out of here, Black," Severus' voice was low.

He noticed that Sirius had also drawn his wand; and that Regulus had then drawn his in response. They stood like that a moment; Sirius' eyes were on Severus, filled with so much loathing that he would have looked away had he not felt the exact same way towards him. Sirius' eyes shifted to Regulus, before he took a step back, stowing away his wand. He held up his hands as he walked away, backwards; "I just wanted to talk, Reg," he stated, before he turned and headed back up the pavement.

Severus and Regulus watched him until he left the garden, before the latter shut the door. Severus regarded him curiously for a moment. He wondered if that was the first time Sirius had attempted to contact him; considering the bewildered, uncertain look on his face, he concluded that it was.

Severus cleared his throat, causing Regulus to look over at him. He raised an eyebrow, "Alright?"

Regulus waved a dismissive hand, "Sirius is a dick. Don't let him get to you," he walked away.

Severus watched after him in disbelief; get to _him? For Merlin's sake, this isn't Hogwarts! _He found his mind snapping back; he liked to think he had matured somewhat since they'd been at school. But he reigned himself in because, concerned as he was about Regulus, he really _was _going to be late; "I'll let you know how Project Dorado goes."

"Do me proud, Sev," Regulus grinned over his shoulder at him, "I only employ the best, you know."

Severus released a gasp of indignant laughter before giving him the finger and heading out the house.

XXX

Severus was late.

Lily shifted awkwardly as she and the rest of the witches and wizards awaited his arrival. The Head of the project, Healer Eugene Hopkins, had insisted that it was rare for Professor Snape – it sounded so unusual on her ears – to be late, to which most of the others in the room had nodded in agreement, before he said that they would give him a few minutes to allow him the chance to arrive.

Most of the people in the room were older witches and wizards; she was seated next to the younger looking one in the room. She guessed from his lack of familiarity with the others, who were talking in hushed tones, that he was the other Fellow on the project. She cleared her throat before addressing him;

"Hello."

He looked over at her and smiled; "Hello, Miss," he regarded her a moment and, when she didn't speak right away, he offered his hand, "Conan Chesney."

"Lily Potter," she smiled, shaking his hand. He seemed to recognise the name but didn't mention it; instead, he stuck with common ground:

"You're on the Healer's Fellowship?"

She nodded the affirmative, "And yourself?" she asked, though she was quite certain he was the Apothecary Fellow, which he confirmed when he replied.

"I think you'll be reporting to Hopkins then," Chesney stated, looking over at the older man, who stood at the front of the room, scribbling notes onto parchment.

Lily frowned, voicing the question that immediately came to mind; "Don't we all report to Hopkins?"

Chesney shook his head; "Hopkins specialises in Healing; I've to report to Severus Snape."

Lily felt an odd twinge at the name and swallowed, forcing herself to remain neutral; "Oh."

"You ever heard of him?"

Lily hesitated and only nodded in response; she'd rather not get into it.

"Good friend of the Founder," Chesney went on, "That's how he got the position. From what I've read up about him, he hasn't even completed a Fellowship himself. Just walked into the job when Regulus Black opened it up," he shrugged, Lily noticed a slight bitter jealousy in his expression; "All about connections, I suppose."

Lily felt the strange urge to defend her old friend but only offered; "I believe Severus Snape is...quite renowned for being a gifted potions master."

Before anything more could be said, the door to the room opened abruptly and Severus himself strode into the room. She noticed him glance in her direction for the briefest of seconds, before he averted his eyes and nodded to the other witches and wizards present; they smiled and nodded with obvious familiarity. He apologised quietly to Hopkins as he walked by him;

"No harm done, no harm done!" Hopkins waved a hand, before grabbing his shoulder, preventing him from hurrying away; he looked in her and Chesney's direction; "You may already know, this is Severus Snape, Deputy Head of the Research Department –" Lily noticed Severus was avoiding eye contact with her, and his usually pale cheeks were turning pink " – should you have any enquiries and I am unavailable, this is the man to see."

"Thank you, Eugene," Severus said, looking mortified, as he pried himself free of the man. Lily bit her bottom lip, looking down as she attempted to stifle a smile. She thought she saw him glance in her direction once again, but it was too quick for her to be sure, before he took a seat at the opposite side of the group.

She found herself looking at him, as he began riffling through papers and books, looking incredibly knowledgeable and important as he did so. A witch leaned over, said something close to his ear and he smiled, not big but it was a familiar smile, one of the genuine ones she hadn't seen in a very long time. He said something in return, without looking up from his papers; the witch and the wizard next to her both laughed in response. She felt a smile tug at her lips; he looked better than she had ever seen him. Better than she had ever imagined he would, she thought, as she remembered the awkward, insecure boy from her childhood.

"Well, let's get started, shall we!" Hopkins addressed the small group, drawing her attention away from her old friend.

_Time to focus _she told herself, turning her attention to the Healer who was speaking. However, she unconsciously glanced in Severus direction again, before smiling slightly to herself.

She hadn't spoken to him yet; but she had a feeling it wouldn't be as bad working with him as she had earlier feared.

XXX

HP-Bookworm: I usually give more in depth PMs in response to my reviews, so would just like to thank you very much for your review. It's certainly given me a lot to chew on, especially since you gave an opinion on every important character within the story. I'm very glad you like the way characters, particularly Sirius and Severus, are portrayed. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy the remainder of the story!


	5. October 1986: Innocence

Chapter Four

"Do you love my mum?"

"What?" Remus blurted out, half said in laughter, half gasped in astonishment.

"Do you love my mum?" the little boy repeated, looking up at him innocently, the lower half of his face covered in the ice cream he was eating.

Remus chuckled, shaking his head, and handed the boy a handkerchief; "No, I don't. Not the way you mean, anyway," he stated with amusement, wondering what on earth had possessed the boy to ask him such a question; "Why are you asking me that? Your Uncle Sirius put you up to it?"

"No," Harry frowned, his face the picture of seriousness, as he wiped his it clean, "I wanted you to marry her."

"_What?" _This time Remus did laugh, however quickly corrected himself when he noticed Harry scowl at him, not happy that he was being laughed at. Remus rubbed a hand over his mouth, smothering a smile, before he attempted to speak reasonably with the boy; "Why would you want me to marry your mum, Harry?" he led the boy over to a bench with a hand on his back. The two sat down, Harry immediately turning to him with a face so serious that Remus felt his love for the boy swell in his stomach. He smiled warmly at him in encouragement; "Harry?" he coaxed.

Harry sighed, dramatically, before he began, "I tried to see if Uncle Sirius loved her – not because I love him more than you," he added, quickly, looking sheepish, "I just thought, well – since they live together, it would be easier if they got married, that if you had to move out..." he spoke very quickly, the way he always did when he was getting nervous.

Remus' brow furrowed slightly but he nodded, encouragingly; "That's very true...go on."

"Well, Uncle Sirius said he didn't love her that way as well," Harry said, his tone and expression clearly showing his disappointment, before he went on, almost whining as he did so, "He just started going on about my dad – James again."

Remus frowned at the obvious lack of affection the boy spoke about his father with, before pinching the boy's chin, wiggling it gently, inducing a smile; "Harry, the reason Uncle Sirius started talking about your dad is because your mum is already married – to your dad."

Harry shook his head, stubbornly; "No. That's not why, I didn't even get the chance to ask him to marry her."

Remus held back another smile, forcing himself to take the boy's concerns seriously – it wasn't too difficult, he was beginning to become concerned himself; "Harry, why would you want your mother to marry one of us?" he asked, "You don't seem to have a preference – does that mean you're worried about your mum?"

Harry shrugged, "Sort of."

"Sort of?" Remus said gently, before he nudged the boy's arm, "You can tell me, you know."

"But...but I don't want you to tell Mum," Harry said looking up at him, searchingly, "Ron said she'd get really angry and if she gets angry with me she might stay away from home even longer."

Remus swallowed, this not being the first time the boy had mentioned Lily's frequent absence from the house; "Okay," he nodded, willing to keep the information from her if it meant that he could find out what was wrong; "Tell me."

Harry swung his legs back at forward underneath the bench, slowly, watching them with a look of complete uncertainty before he finally started to explain; "I...I don't want Mum to take me away from you and Uncle Sirius."

Remus was completely baffled by the statement; "Why do you think she would do that?"

Harry shrugged, "Ron said that it's not normal that Mum and Uncle Sirius live together without being married. He said it's like he's my dad, but because he's not really that Mum will take me away and live just me and her," he shook his head, disapprovingly, "I don't want that."

"Harry, I'm sure that's not something you have to worry about," Remus said, reassuringly, "Your Mum knows how much you love Uncle Sirius," he didn't quite know how the boy had jumped from that to marriage to _him _so waited patiently for the boy to continue.

"I...I asked Uncle Sirius about it; I told him that I love him more than..." Harry paused, looking a bit guilty and frightened of what he was about to say; "I told him that he was like my dad, and that I love him more than him – my real dad, I mean," he looked up at Remus, his eyes full of tears as he did so. His voice trembled when he went on, "Ron said I shouldn't tell anyone but you promised you won't tell, right?" Remus made to reassure him, but the boy went on regardless of the answer, clearly eager to say what he had to say; "I don't think I love my dad at all!" he stated before he sniffed and leaned into the older man, tears falling as he did so.

Remus held the boy to him, stunned at the declaration. He waited a few moments, gently rubbing the boy's back as he cuddled into him until he suddenly stopped, pulled himself back and swiped his arm across his face quickly. He looked hastily around the park, red with embarrassment.

"Is that what's upsetting you, Harry?" Remus asked, not quite linking the dots yet. He knew there must be more to.

Harry drew in a trembling breath, clearly embarrassed and trying to control himself; "Mum's never home," he stated, bluntly.

Remus hesitated, unsure how to respond. Harry looked up at him;

"Ron says that it's dad's fault," he went on, "He said if she had a husband, she wouldn't be out all the time."

Remus was completely staggered by the turn of the conversation; he wondered what to address? His issues with James? Or his issues with Lily?

"If Dad wasn't away, Mum would be home," Harry said, with certainty, "But he's not, so I don't get to see her. I hate him."

"Harry," Remus said, gently, though he was very unsure of how to handle the situation; "It's because of work that your mum's not home," it was partly a lie, but it was still true all the same; "Your Mum has to work hard so she can look after you. It's not your Dad's fault." Remus felt himself becoming angry; Sirius had often mentioned how Lily's absence had started to affect Harry but he was certain that Sirius, as well as himself, hadn't realised the extent to which it was troubling him.

Harry frowned, staring at the grass beneath his feet, appearing to be thinking over what he had said. After a few moments he drew in a trembling breath before he said, hopefully; "Maybe if you and Mum get married, you'll start to love her."

Remus was still completely bewildered – how would a marriage between Lily and one of them help? "Harry, why do you want your mum to get married?"

Harry sighed, as if it was obvious, but appeared to decide to humour him; "Well, if she has a husband, then she will love him enough to stay at home more. And then I'll get to see her."

Remus stared at the boy with unhidden concern before he reached over and drew him into a hug. Harry hugged him back tightly. Did that mean Harry was questioning how much Lily loved him? Was he saying that he didn't think she loved him enough to stay at home for _him? _

He drew in a deep breath, before he drew back from the hug; Harry looked up at him hopefully and completely trustingly. He smiled down at him, his tone apologetic; "Harry, I...I don't think that would work," Remus felt his stomach drop with the boy's hopeful expression and carried on, attempting to offer him what comfort he can; "But Harry, you need to remember that your mum loves you very much, even if she works very hard," Harry lowered his eyes; "And your Dad loves you; and so do I and Uncle Sirius."

Harry kept his eyes down, his voice a whisper when he responded; "I love you too, Uncle Remus."

Remus smiled, "I know you do," he used a finger to tilt his head up, so he was looking at him again; "And don't you ever worry about your mum taking you away; your mum won't do that. And I'm not going anywhere – I'll always be here for you. And so will Uncle Sirius," he leaned forward, "You believe me?"

Harry held his look for a moment before he gave him a small smile and nodded; "Uh huh."

Remus gave him a squeeze, "If you keep getting upset about this, you tell me okay? Or if you don't want to tell me, then tell your Uncle Sirius."

Harry shied away at that, shaking his head firmly, "No. He would get really angry and then him and Mum would fight again."

_Very true, _Remus thought to himself. Though it wasn't like he could keep what had transpired from Sirius; s_omeone _in that house had to know what was going on, to keep an eye on Harry and put a stop to these thoughts.

"You won't tell Mum what I said about my dad, will you?" Harry's eyes were full of worry, as if he already regretted confessing. Remus swallowed and then smiled, shaking his head;

"No. I won't, don't worry."

Harry relaxed considerably before he smiled at him; a weight, apparently, lifted swiftly from his shoulders and promptly plummeted upon his uncle's.

XXX

The introductory presentation had gone on a lot longer than Lily had expected, though it contained a great amount of information that she had been glad to receive; there would be a lot of background reading she would have to do when she wasn't working in the labs. Her new acquaintance, Chesney, had barely taken any notes during the presentation but she had been scribbling away frantically, determined not to miss anything. The man had looked at her curiously as she did so, before finally joking that she must have a bad memory to not remember most of it from her internship.

Lily had only laughed, successfully hiding her nervousness, and agreed that her memory was, indeed, bad. Though that wasn't true at all; she remembered things very well, especially when it came to academic learning, which she was grateful for. She would have to and ask someone for some useful textbooks that she could read up on at home, to ensure she wasn't overwhelmed during the projects.

As soon as the presentation concluded, a number of house elves had hurried into the room and began placing coffee and tea, trays of cakes, biscuits and sandwiches on the long set table at the side of the room, as Hopkins explained that they would spend the rest of the meeting getting to know one another better.

Glancing around the room, Lily wondered at the need for that. There were eight of them in the small room and, from what she could see, the majority of them were very well acquainted already and were talking animatedly by the tables.

She found her eyes on Severus once again, who had not looked at her since the presentation ended. He stood with the same witch and wizard with whom he appeared to be bantering with earlier in the meeting, along with another that had joined them; he didn't appear to say much but he looked completely comfortable as he stood among them, listening to the conversation.

"It's been a while since I've worked on a project with you, Severus," the older witch said to him, smiling warmly.

"It has," Severus agreed, "It's been a while since I've worked on any project."

"I certainly hope you haven't lost your touch," the wizard next to him teased; "Being stuck brewing kids potions all day -"

Severus smiled, good-humouredly, "As much as I enjoy teaching," he raised an eyebrow, igniting chuckles from his colleagues, "I believe I shall enjoy being involved in something more challenging."

As the two witches murmured agreements the wizard turned around catching Lily's eye. She averted her eyes hastily, not wanting to be caught eavesdropping. However, the wizard addressed her, his voice only having to raise slightly as she was close enough to hear; "You must be Lily Potter?"

She noticed Severus' hand, which had been lifting a drink to his lips, freeze, but did not react in any other way. She quickly smiled and stepped towards the man who had addressed her; "Yes. Yes, Lily Potter," she held out a hand to him.

The wizard smiled and shook her hand, "Alaric Waller," he introduced himself, before turning to the older looking witch, and then the younger, introducing her; "This is Cornelia Heart and Rowan Ellison, both Healers like yourself – I believe Cornelia is your mentor –" he looked over at the older witch, " – is that right?" she nodded as Lily finished shaking both their hands, "Yes, that's right. And this is Professor Severus Snape," he turned to him, "Hopkins already introduced him."

Severus glanced at her, politely, completely poker faced as he did so. She shifted uncomfortably and forced a smile; "Yes, I...I am acquainted with...Professor Snape," it sounded strange when she said it and she noticed his face twinge slightly when she spoke it, though he held her gaze. Her smile faltered slightly, but she stepped forward, holding her hand out; "It's...it's a pleasure to see you again." She could have sworn his eyes danced with amusement at her over-politeness but he decided to humour her and took her hand;

"Mrs Potter."

She didn't know why, but the name sounded horrible coming from his lips; though he had spoken with the same emotionless tone he always had when he spoke with strangers, she noticed, so it couldn't have been the way he said it that caused the feelings to rise up within her; feelings of discomfort, awkwardness, guilt and shame. She shook away those feelings away; why on earth should she be ashamed of her name. She had been Potter for seven years.

She had looked away from him when he said it but looked back now; he was regarding her curiously though seemed to quickly snap out of it. He cleared his throat, apparently the silence making him feel awkward enough to attempt to strike a conversation; "Congratulations...on completing your Apprenticeship."

She was a bit taken aback but smiled; "Thank you...Professor."

"Severus," Cornelia Heart addressed him, drawing his eyes away from her, "I was under the impression that Mortimer would be working with us on this project?"

"Unfortunately he could not be spared from Project Orion," Severus stated, suddenly appearing more comfortable. She noticed him glance at her briefly out the corner of his eye, before he looked down into the liquid in his cup.

"That's a shame," she said, looking disappointed, "He's had a lot of experience in neurological damage."

"No doubt," Waller said quietly, with a small grin. She noticed Severus smile slightly, while Ellis chuckled. Heart shook her head, looking at them disapprovingly;

"You are all terrible. I think Mortimer is a lovely wizard."

"Don't doubt that either," Waller grinned further, looking at Severus knowingly. Lily noticed Severus hide a smile behind his cup, as Heart glowered and cursed at Waller.

"Ah, I see we're all getting along just fine, here," Hopkins appeared, almost making Lily jump out of her skin. He smiled kindly at her, holding out his hand, "Pleased to meet you at last, Mrs Potter." She noticed Severus make a sharp movement at her side but, by the time she had turned, he had reverted to his normal stoic stance.

"Well, I suppose we'll call this meeting to an end," Hopkins said more loudly, addressing the room, "And I'll see you all bright and early next Monday. Please make sure you all have the necessary articles; they're at the front of the room if anyone didn't get them earlier."

The group began to disperse. Lily found her eyes following Severus once again, as he strode confidently from the room. She drew in a breath, attempting to still the unexpected wavering feeling in her stomach as she watched him. She was left feeling strangely unsatisfied by their exchange, found herself wishing she had said more.

But what would she say, really?

At that moment Hopkins walked by her. She quickly stepped forward; "Excuse me, Healer Hopkins."

He turned to her, smiling brightly, "Mrs Potter, can I help you?"

His smile was so genuine she couldn't help smiling brightly in response, "Yes, I hope so. I was just wondering if you could advise me of any background textbooks that would be of use. I'd like to...freshen up my knowledge on the subject matter."

She noticed Hopkins smile falter slightly but only for a moment, before he nodded; "Why, yes of course. I understand there are some things you will need to get acquainted with, having come straight from your apprenticeship." He began scribbling onto a piece of parchment.

She felt suddenly sheepish, before nodding and saying quickly; "I'd also like to thank you; for selecting me for the Fellowship. I am very grateful for the opportunity. I know there must have been...more experienced candidates."

She noticed him smile again, though he didn't look up from what he was writing; "While that may be the case, I have been assured that you are an excellent candidate yourself." He put a full stop at the end of the last word with a bit more flare than necessary and held it out to her; "These should be useful. They are difficult to get your hands on, but I believe Severus has copies of each of them. You are acquainted with Professor Snape, are you not?"

Lily looked at him, a bit startled at the question, but nodded; "Yes."

"Well just take this list to him; he'll be able to get them for you," he looked over his shoulder, out the door; "His office is down this corridor, first left and the third door on the right. I'm not sure if that's where he went; he rarely stays long so you'd best go there directly."

She nodded; "Of course."

He tipped his head at her, before he began to leave; "I shall see you next week."

Lily gathered up her things, stashing away the articles she had been given, and clutched the parchment Hopkins had given her as she made her way from the room and followed the directions he had given before she could allow nerves to stop her. She paused at the door, which was closed, the sign on it read:

Professor Severus Snape  
Deputy Head of Research

She couldn't hear any sounds that indicated he was there. She swallowed, drew in a deep breath and knocked firmly on the door. At that moment, she heard a chair scratch across the floor on the other side of the door:

"Enter."

Lily hesitated for a moment, her hand on the door knob. Feeling very uneasy, she pushed it down and walked into the room.

Severus was seated behind a large desk, though appeared to simply be packing a briefcase in preparation for leaving. He had stopped his movements when she walked in and was regarding her with a confused look on his face. He quickly snapped out of it and stood:

"Mrs Potter."

She smiled, it felt incredibly forced and he didn't return it; "I...I was hoping to read some background information on the project," she hesitated, while he kept his eyes on her. She looked down at the parchment; "Healer Hopkins said you may be able to...help?" her finally word sounded pathetic and she almost rolled her eyes at how silly she sounded, but forced herself to walk over to the desk and hold the parchment out to him.

"If...if it's not too much trouble, of course," she swallowed, meeting his look for a moment, before averting her eyes awkwardly, "I'd really appreciate it."

Severus was regarding her with the same puzzlement he had greeted her with when she walked through the door. After a moment he nodded; "Of course," and stepped out from behind his desk, making his way to one of the bookshelves in the room.

Lily looked around the office, feeling incredibly uncomfortable; "I...like what you've done with the place."

Severus, who was fingering through a few titles on the shelves turned to look at her; she noticed amusement in his eyes; "Thank you," he turned back to the books; "Though I can't take credit for the decor. The office came as it is."

"I see."

"How did you find your Apprenticeship at St Mungo's?"

Lily was surprised at his interest; "I enjoyed it very much."

"Did you find it challenging?"

She frowned, "Well, yes, of course."

Severus had pulled three books from the shelf and walked by her brusquely to the one behind his desk; "I hope not too challenging; this project will undoubtedly be far more so than you are accustomed to."

Lily prickled at the statement: "I think I can manage."

"Only time will tell," Severus said, as he pulled another book from the shelf, his tone conveying a distinct lack of confidence in her abilities. She fought the urge to retaliate as he turned and walked back over to her; "Here are the books Hopkins recommended."

"Thank you," she took them, her tone conveying more her indignation than any gratitude; "I will get them back to you as soon as possible."

"I am in no hurry to read them."

"Nevertheless, I won't have them long."

"As you wish."

For a moment they stood there in awkward silence; she was certain he felt as uncomfortable as she.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" he enquired.

Lily shook her head, "No." He was regarding her strangely, as if he wondered why she were there at all; "No this is all," she quickly stashed the books into her bag, "Thank you," she said again, before she turned and left the office hurriedly.

The door closed firmly behind her and she drew in a deep breath.

Well. At least the first meeting was over with, she thought to herself, as she made her way home that night. It had been as awkward as she had expected, seeing Severus again. She wasn't really sure how she was supposed to react to it; she no longer felt the same hostility or betrayal she had once felt towards him, nor did she feel much familiarity with him when she had been in his company.

Among his colleagues, he had seemed like a completely different person; fitting in perfectly with all those that were around him. He was still as quiet and reserved as he had been when they were at school, but at the same time he oozed self-assurance and confidence, completely comfortable with those who surrounded them.

She glanced at her timepiece as she approached the door to the house; it was just past nine. Still enough time to give Harry the story he requested, she was pleased to see. She walked into the house and was surprised to find it completely silent. She frowned as she took off her cloak however only had to step a few feet forward before she saw Remus asleep on the coach.

A smile tugged at her lips as she stepped closer and saw Harry curled up next to him, head tucked under his arm, also asleep. She used her wand and lifted the blanket that was folded on the chair and covered them with it; she stood there a moment, simply watching her son as he slept peacefully in the arms of his 'uncle', and sighed. She was so glad to have Remus and Sirius there for him.

So glad her son had so much love in his life.

XXX

Thank you, Remi and Joy, for your reviews. I'm very glad you're enjoying the story.

I'm not sure what's going on with the chapters on this – it's a problem on the site, from what I've seen, as I haven't taken any of the chapters down. I've uploaded this one earlier than I intended to see if it fixes the problem – fingers crossed.


	6. October 1986: A Losing Battle

Chapter Five

And just like that, Lily Potter had walked back into Severus Snape's life.

It was quite strange to him; to have an existing reason for thinking about her. Since the Dark Lord had fallen five years previously, Severus had rarely allowed himself to dwell on thoughts about his former best friend. She, along with memories of Hogwarts, James Potter, those damn Marauders and the Dark Lord had been pushed to the back of his mind; locked away in a box and the key thrown away. From that moment the Dark Lord was gone and Lily was safe. It was what he had strived for; and he succeeded.

And then he was free.

No master to grovel before; no woman to devote himself to. It was true; in the few months that followed he had considered the possibility of renewing his acquaintance with her. Just to see that she was okay, he had told himself; had lied to himself. But he knew even then, deep down, that he wanted more and that he would always want more; and that it was something she would never be able to give. Especially then, when she had been so devastated by the loss of her husband; so devoted to finding a cure. Dumbledore had warned him of that; had warned him off, he realised now when he was looking back. And a good thing too, for his concerns back then had been right; she was devoted to Potter. Hopelessly devoted as the case may be; even now.

With the Dark Lord's fall and Lily's survival, he had a second chance.

So he had made a choice. He moved on. He had said goodbye to that hopeless dream and he had moved on.

Five years later, here he was. He had everything he had ever wanted, everything he had ever dreamed of before he met Lily Evans. He was respected, admired; he was part of something big, something that made a difference in the Wizarding World. He may not have Lily anymore, the friend he had once had, but he wasn't lonely; not really. He had Regulus. And he had Lucius. He had his colleagues and his students. He even had Dumbledore on his side.

But there was a part of himself, a part he couldn't help, that still kept a hold of her in his heart. He didn't think about her consciously; didn't dwell on what had passed; but he could never be with another woman the way he had always wanted with her. There had been ladies in his life, of course; brief, inconsequential – on _his _side at least, he reminded himself with mild amusement and sheepishness. It was only during times such as those, times when woman had questioned his intentions, asked him those awkward questions about marriage, children, shared houses, shared lives, that he had found himself thinking about her. That was what he had wanted; he had loved her and it was sure and true. He may have let go of Lily; had moved on from that – but with that he had let go of that dream too. He had let go of hoping for a family.

He didn't need that anymore, he mused, as he glanced around the living room of the home he shared with Regulus Black. He doubted he would ever share a house with anyone other than him. It was perfect; if he wanted company, he would simply find himself in here, where Regulus would often be doing whatever he happened to be doing and, more often than not, he would then lose focus on whatever it was he was doing and begin pestering and mocking him about whatever caught his fancy. If he didn't want to deal with another's company, he would simply remain in his chambers at Hogwarts. There would be no heckling or hurt feelings; Regulus accepted it without question. However, more often than not, if he were not on patrol that evening in the castle, he found himself there in the evenings.

It was easy with Regulus. It had surprised him how easy friendship could be.

He had never had that with Lily or with his housemates while he was at Hogwarts. They had spoken about anything and everything before they went to that school; had never feared offending the other, had even teased one another. As soon as she had learned the prejudices she would soon face, her carefree attitude had changed. She had always been so sensitive to everything relating to it; she could interpret the innocent little thing as something completely different and then blow the whole thing out of proportion. She was quite the drama queen, he remembered; overreacting at everything. And incredibly defensive as well; she would attack before she could be attacked and, he supposed, that's what made his slip that final time so horrifying. She hadn't seen it coming. But she had hit back just as hard as he would have expected from her; more so, as it happened.

But she had been steadfast in her friendship with him, at least until that point, and had been the only person who had ever really cared about him. She had taken interest in anything he did, had willingly sought his company, had never looked down on him for his state of poverty in the muggle world and his half-muggle heritage had obviously never been something he had been concerned about when he was with her. She was his first friend; the first person who had ever made him feel like he was worth anything.

He rolled his eyes at his thoughts; getting sentimental, Severus? Wasting your time pondering on things that no longer mattered.

Except that they did matter. Now they did; at least somewhat. She was back in his life and, even after their first meeting, he was still unsure as to how to approach her.

Should he do so as an old acquaintance? An old friend? Or should he dismiss their past completely, as he had done for the past five years, and treat her as if they were two strangers? Two strangers, now colleagues.

Lily had surprised him that evening, when she had shown up in his office. Prior to that, he was pleased that he had survived the first meeting unscathed; they had exchanged pleasantries and his colleagues had been there to cushion the reunion – it had barely been a reunion at all, really. And he had escaped quickly, preparing to return to Hogwarts, and then she had appeared. And he was alone with her. Alone with her for the first time in so long.

He had stared, he knew, but she didn't seem to react to that. He couldn't help it. She was there, before him, looking exactly as he had remembered. He barely heard the words she had spoken, his mind racing simply due to her presence. It was as if the past five years had never happened and he had regressed back to his uncertain, mumbling old self that he was not proud to remember. He had managed to snap out of it, thankfully, but he was certain he had offended her with his words.

He hadn't meant to be as offensive as his questions had implied, but his nerves not only over her immediate presence but also for, inevitably, having to explain himself and his endorsement of her to his colleagues in the future had driven him to it. He wanted to push her; to challenge her, privately, and hopefully give her that push she would need to be successful.

It didn't matter that she had been offended, he reasoned with himself. What did it matter? It's not as if she held him in high regard, anyway, and doing so appeared to have ignited that fire within her that wouldn't rest until she had proven him wrong. She always had to be right, he remembered that well.

If she was upset or annoyed – in fact, whatever bad feelings she felt towards him didn't matter. Not if he had now pushed her to work to the standards necessary; the Project was all that mattered with regards to the two of them now. And, hopefully, his respectability within the company would not be damaged...

Severus attempted to convince himself that was all that concerned him. That it wasn't that distant look in her eyes; that indifference; that polite exterior, so completely different to the way they had once been, even after they had parted ways, that bothered him. It didn't bother him that she was back in his life, but not part of it. It didn't bother him that the _reason_ she had come to him again had been because of _him. _He didn't care that, after five years, her love for Potter remained strong. That she was still fighting for him even though she had never fought for him. Hadn't been willing to fight for them.

For the first time in five years, he hadn't been able to reason with his mind the way he had always been able to. Hadn't been able to content himself with that thought; that he didn't care. That it didn't matter.

It _did _matter to him.

_She _still mattered to him. That infuriated him.

He didn't want that anymore. He didn't want to care.

But it was _that _that didn't matter. It didn't matter that he didn't want to care because he did. That one meeting with her had been enough for him to see it.

Just like that, Lily Potter had walked back into his life. And just like she had done when they were children; he was certain she was about to turn it upside down.

It infuriated him.

And it thrilled him.

Terrified him.

Elated him.

As always; there was no rationalising his feelings when it came to Lily Evans.

XXX

"I really don't think it's a good idea, Remus," Lily glanced through the doorway into the living room, where Harry still remained curled up asleep on the couch.

"Lily, please," his tone was almost pleading, surprising her with his intensity; it wasn't often he offered his opinion on how she was raising Harry. She quite decided she didn't like it at all; "We have to let him see his dad. He needs to develop a bond –"

"A bond?" Lily interrupted, turning her attention from her sleeping son to the man before her, "What bond could he possibly develop with..." she hesitated, stumbling over the words. She drew in a deep breath, attempting to keep calm as she released it; "Remus, the three of us decided years ago that it was best Harry didn't see James in his condition. James wouldn't want it."

"James would want to see him," Remus countered, "You believe he's still in there, right? Well, let him hear his son's voice. If he can see him, let him see his son."

"Remus," she glared at him, "It's for Harry's sake; James would know that it isn't in his best interests to see his father like that. It's better than he knows him from his memories; and from what we tell him."

She noticed the bitterness in his expression, as he looked away from her. His eyes rested on the photograph on the wall; the one of she, James and Harry not long after he was born. He shook his head, before he turned back to her;

"Lily..." he seemed to hesitate a moment before he went on, "I really think...I really think we need to do something; something that will help Harry establish a connection with James."

"He's his father, Remus," Lily walked by him, becoming frustrated, "He already has a connection to him. And I don't want my son upset, traumatised even, by seeing him like that."

"Lily, I must insist –"

"No, Remus, _I _must insist," she snapped, turning to face him again, "_I _must insist that you stop; it's not your place to decide this. I'm his mother, this is my decision."

"I'm sure Sirius would agree –"

"I couldn't care less whether or not Sirius would agree!" she hissed, glancing towards the doorway cautiously again, "Sirius has no more right than you to make this decision. This decision that _I _made five years ago; with both of your full support, I might add."

She noticed him look away from her, around the room, at the door, the cupboards, the table; he was anxious, she could tell. But about what? What had brought on his sudden insistence that Harry be taken to see James? He was only six years old; how could he possibly understand? Of course, Sirius had attempted to explain it to him and appeared to have quelled his curiosity; but to actually subject him to going there, to standing before his father who he loved, and be met with no response; no loving looks, no comforting words. Not even being able to feel his own father take his hand; ask him how he was coming along with school. To feel the devastation of loss.

She would not allow it.

"I won't allow it," she spoke her thoughts allowed, drawing Remus' eyes back to hers; "Accept that, Remus."

Remus held her look for a moment; his disappointment was evident, as was something else, but she couldn't quite identify it. Before she could question it further he nodded; "Fine." He picked up his jacket, walking by her; "Goodnight." He stopped by the couch, leaning down to press a kiss to Harry's head before he headed out the door, without looking back.

Lily watched after him, a growing feeling of unease growing within her after he closed the door. She sighed and shook her head, stepping through to lean on the doorframe, looking down at her sleeping son. Was she doing the right thing? Would it be better for Harry if he were to see James?

It wouldn't help anything. It would just upset him. Convince him that his father would never be coming home. Would it frighten him, seeing his father like that? She had never questioned her decision, _their _decision, to shield him from that. To spare him the pain of seeing someone he loved like that. She visited James, she knew the feelings associated with it; the pain, the sense of loss, of hopelessness.

She shook her head; no, she wouldn't put him through that. That pain she could prevent.

She walked over, lifting the blanket that covered him, and slid down onto the couch beside him. He stirred, looking up at her sleepily, murmuring her name as he did so. She shushed him and drew him into a hug. He smiled and snuggled into her, quickly drifting back off to sleep. Lily, however, did not find sleep so quickly as she held her son close.

Too many questions plagued her that night.

Questions about her son; about the way she was raising him. Sirius had told her the questions he had asked; that he was becoming confused by the living circumstances. Sirius had been quick to reassure her, explain that Harry would soon come to understand and that it was just a small hiccup. But it had remained on her mind since he had mentioned it; was she and Sirius living together, raising Harry, damaging to him? Would he face awkward questions from his peers?

It wasn't something she had really thought much in depth on when she and Harry had moved in with him; Remus had come with them too, after all. But when Remus eventually left, neither she nor Sirius had mentioned leaving. And she had come to depend on him. Though he infuriated him sometimes with his overprotective attitude towards her, very unwelcome as it was, he had become someone she could turn to. Someone who she trusted explicitly, as she did with Remus.

But their attitude towards Harry, and how he ought to be raised, was starting to put a strain on their relationship. She wondered if Sirius would agree with Remus; did he think Harry should be taken to see James, also? He had never mentioned it. In fact, Sirius very rarely mentioned James except when he was telling her off for focusing too much on him.

It hadn't always been that way though. Sirius had been very open about his grief in the immediate months that followed James' injury. He had vowed to avenge his best friend; to go after the Death Eaters who had attacked them. But, as time went by, as her determination to find a cure increased, his attitude changed. He became more calm; started trying to reason with her. He began becoming involved in taking care of Harry than he had been before; would feed him, change his nappies, even stayed up with him when he was ill with snakepox when he was two. Harry's welfare had quickly became forefront in his mind; and he also began becoming much more protective of her. That's when it started.

She knew that James had once spoken with him; had asked Sirius to take care of them if anything ever happened to him. It was hardly an unusual request; people were dying every day during the war and there was no reason it couldn't be one of them next. Though she didn't know if it was early on that he had asked Sirius, or if it was when they went into hiding. It didn't matter really. James had asked; and Sirius was doing his best to carry out his friend's wish.

Her eyes landed on the articles and research books she had left on the table when she had walked through the door. Her mind immediately snapped from one thought to another; went to the other person who had been on her mind most of that day.

Severus Snape.

It hadn't been as bad as she expected, their first meeting; though she hadn't really been sure what to expect. It had been so long since she had seen him. He wasn't friendly, nor was he unkind. Though his implication that she couldn't cope with the demands of the project had angered her greatly.

What right did he have to imply such a thing? Did he think her some incapable child? After all, she had been granted a place on the project, therefore she must have something going for her. If Healer Hopkins had faith in her, why didn't Severus? Severus who knew her well; or at least did. He knew her character better than anyone when it came to academia; he knew she always strived to do her best.

Or did he not know that anymore? Had he forgotten?

For all she knew, he hadn't thought about her since they had left Hogwarts. Perhaps even before that.

She shook her head; her mind always raced when she thought about him. There were so many questions that filled her mind. Did he still remember their younger years? If he did, how did he remember them? With pleasure or with regret? Was he ashamed of the relationship he had once had with her? She, a muggleborn? The idea seemed almost ludicrous, considering the organisation he now worked for; but then, considering that the organisation was owned by Regulus Black, whom she knew to be a Death Eater...

That only set of another round of questions. Severus had never been friends with Regulus at Hogwarts, therefore it had had to start afterwards. How had they known one another? Had they served Voldemort together? Had Severus joined the Death Eaters after all? Or perhaps it was his friendship with Lucius Malfoy that brought them into the same circle; Malfoy was accused of being a Death Eater also, but Severus had been close with him all through Hogwarts anyway, so it was of no real consequence.

But had Severus joined them?

It was something that weighed heavily on her mind. Had her friends been right about him? She found herself hoping not. She didn't know why, but it still disturbed her to think of him as one of them. She had told him she expected him to follow that path; that he had chosen that. She had never wanted him to; she had hoped he would prove her wrong. Not that it would have made much difference; she had severed ties with him and that had been it.

Really, it was none of her business what happened next.

But she couldn't help it; she cared about what happened. She wanted to know. Whose side was he on during the war? Was he on any side?

And what now? Did he still think about her? Did he care that she was on the project with him? Was he pleased to see her? Or had he dreaded it?

Harry murmured against her, nuzzling in further, snapping her out of her thoughts. She glanced down at him and smiled, softly. She noticed his eyes flicker slightly, before they opened fully. He looked up at her, sleepily. She ruffled his hair, inducing a smile; "Mum."

"Hello, sleepy head."

Harry's smile widened further, before he leaned down, cuddling in; "You said I could have a story tonight."

Lily smiled; "That's right I did. Do you want one now?"

He nodded, not lifting his head from her chest. Lily shifted slightly, getting more comfortable, and resolved to push thoughts of Severus to the back of her mind as she concentrated on her son; "What story would you like?"

"Um," he was quiet, thinking over the request, "The one about the wolf."

"Little Red Riding Hood?"

"No," he shook his head, "The one with the goats."

Lily smiled and nodded, "Okay," she wiggled, "Let's get comfy." Harry giggled and wiggled too, mimicking her movements. After a few moments she began;

"Once upon a time, there was an old goat..."


	7. October 1986: Sins of the Father

Chapter Six

Lily was shattered by the time the research project commenced the following week; and her exhaustion rendered her almost as useless as she had feared she would be in the first place. She had spent the past week with her nose in textbooks and articles, attempting to gather the foundation she would need to be able to effectively contribute. She had been able to provide some input to the discussion earlier, at least, and was just finishing off investigating the materials that Heart had decided to look over with her.

She was certain she'd simply collapse the minute she got home and not wake again until she had to be back in the next morning. That thought was most appealing, as she tiredly made her way down the corridor, preparing to head home.

"Mrs Potter!"

She stopped at the sound of the familiar voice and, with a confused frown, turned to see Severus was walking down the hall towards her. She had barely seen him at all that day; following the first discussion that morning he, along with the two Apothecaries in their team, had left to carry out some experimental potions.

She was too exhausted to be nervous about his presence and offered a smile; "Professor Snape."

To her surprise, he smiled slightly in response, "How did you find your first day?"

Lily raised a hand, concealing a yawn, "It was interesting. Heart and Ellison seemed pleased."

He nodded, looking thoughtful. He glanced around, shifting slightly on the spot, before he continued, "I have some other articles," she frowned slightly, so he went on; "They have more in depth information about the issues we'll be dealing with. I –" he looked uncertain suddenly, and appeared to be avoiding looking directly at her "- thought they might be of interest."

The idea of reading yet more articles almost made her groan out loud but, surprised that he had went to the trouble, she nodded; "Yes. Yes, they would. Thank you."

His lip twitched in a very brief, almost imperceptible smile, before he nodded back down the hall; "They're in my office. Would you like them now?"

She nodded and followed as he led the way down the hall. They walked along in silence until they reached his office and she stayed close to the door when they finally reached it. She glanced around again, more curious this time that she had been the first time she had been. There was very little in the room in the form of personal items; only a photograph of Severus and Regulus on the desk gave indication of the owner of the room.

She cleared her throat and attempted to clear her mind of the haziness that sleep-deprivation had rewarded her; "How did the experiments go?"

Severus, who was rummaging through piles of paper and parchment, didn't look up when he answered; "Dead ends. The second experiment we discussed, using grippers root, appeared to be successful; however it would be too dangerous when mixed with flossbery."

"If it were too dangerous why consider it?" she asked with a frown.

"Butterman – have you met Felix Butterman?" he looked up suddenly, and she found herself startled to suddenly be looking straight into his eyes and averted hers quickly, " – the Herbologist assigned to this project," he elaborated, drawing her eyes back to his. She nodded, remembering the old man from the introductory meeting; " – well, he never informed us of the danger until after we had already carried out the experiment," he stated, before turning his attention back to the papers he had been looking through, "We can only be grateful he had decided to tell us then, rather than waiting until after we had already added the second ingredient."

"I see," she stepped forward. She glanced around the room again, unsuccessfully trying to find some conversation topics; "Have you worked here long?"

"Since the organisation was founded; I was not as involved in earlier years as I am now. It began very small, however expanded rapidly as awareness about it grew."

Lily nodded; she knew that from her research into the organisation.

"I've heard that there's a lot of interest in the foundation," she drew on her previous knowledge, "And that it's never short of willing investors."

Severus hesitated a moment and nodded; "Yes. However investments are rarely accepted. Donations are always welcome; though they are not relied on for the organisation's survival," he glanced at her, "I assume you are aware of the identity of the founder?"

Lily only nodded in response, his question more of a statement than a question. Being the sole heir to the Black family fortune, Regulus Black was more than financially equipped to fund the foundation without any outside help.

"Were the textbooks helpful?" Severus was looking at her again.

She smiled, hoping to convey the gratitude that was lacking the previous week when he had given them to her; "Yes, very. Thank you."

His eyes remained on her for a moment, almost searchingly, before he looked back down at the papers he had gathered. He stepped around his desk, keeping his eyes on the articles as he approached; "These really just expand on the information you would have gained in the textbooks; particularly regarding the effects and uses of perrilace vine and tarnweed," he handed the articles to her; "I believe we shall be investigating those further in the future, therefore it would be beneficial to familiarise yourself with them."

Lily leafed through the papers in her hand, briefly glancing over the information he had given her, before she gave him a tentative smile; "Thank you. I...I'm really grateful to you for looking these up for me." And couldn't help wondering to herself _why_he was helping her. After all, they were hardly friends.

Severus looked almost embarrassed and waved a hand, dismissively, stepping back from her awkwardly, "I came across them by chance," he was looking at her, but avoiding her eyes; "I assumed they would be of use," he appeared to be thinking carefully before he spoke; "It's part of my job to ensure everyone is aware of the necessary information for the project." He seemed to have pleased himself with his conclusion and finally met her eyes.

She nodded, glancing back down at them, before back at him, "Nevertheless, I appreciate it."

He never reacted to her statement and the two of them found themselves in that same uncomfortable silence that had come over them during their first meeting alone the previous week. She hesitated a moment, wondering her to make her exit; she didn't want to repeat herself by thanking him again. And to simply turn and leave would hardly be appropriate...

"Well, if you don't mind," Severus turned and made his way to his desk, "I have some things to get through before returning to Hogwarts this evening."

Lily nodded, thankful for the dismissal; "Of course, I won't take up anymore of your time," she glanced at the door, then back at him. He had taken a seat behind his desk, but had his eyes on her. She lifted a hand slightly in farewell; "I'll see you tomorrow," she stated, before she turned and made her way from the room. She thought she heard his response, slightly softer in tone than before, so similar to the one she had often heard from him as a child, bidding her goodbye as she left and felt a strange tug within her, as old memories came back to her.

Memories of a girl and boy who had played and told stories to one another; who had shared their hopes and dreams and their fears; best friends who trusted one another explicitly. It was hard to imagine that they were once those children.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

XXX

Regulus wasn't sure the last time he had be there. Perhaps four weeks? Maybe longer, if he were honest. He had come by the week before but hadn't made himself known; once glance was usually all it took from those innocent eyes to send him reeling. He wasn't feeling particularly strong that day, though he never felt all that strong on days normally, and had turned and left before the boy could see him.

Regulus could see him now, digging about in the mud with his spade, attempting to mimic his mother's movements; she was there also, planting some bulbs in the garden. He had been watching them unseen for the past half an hour, wondering which would be the first to drive him away this time; all-too-familiar guilt or cowardice. Or perhaps this would be one of the days where neither of the two won out and, instead, he would go to them.

He had set out determined that today would be one of those days and, reasoning with himself that it was no good for him to stand around making excuses, he pushed aside the branches of the bushes that were concealing him and made his way towards the cottage.

Neither of the two noticed his approach until he reached the gate; the sound of it screeching as he pushed it open attracted both their attention and they raised their heads, turning in his direction.

Evelyn's curious expression changed quickly; and barely offered anything to him as he stepped into the garden. The boy tilted his head to the side, regarding him for a moment as if he were a stranger, before his eyes widened in recognition.

"Dad!" Malachi ran to him, his smile beaming, arms outstretched. Regulus couldn't help smiling in response, leaning down and lifting him into a hug as the five year old reached him.

"Hey, Beansprout," Regulus leaned back, still holding him, "Let me see you. You can't have grown again!"

"I have," his son announced proudly, looking over at his mother, "Mum measured me this morning," he looked back at him with a frown, "You were away long again."

Regulus nodded, putting him down on the ground, "Yes I was. Working hard, just like your mum." He looked over at Evelyn, who had now stood and was wiping the mud from her hands with a cloth. As if she sensed his eyes on her, she glanced over at him;

"It's chicken for supper," she lifted the spade she had been using from the ground, not looking at him as she continued, "I know you're not keen on it, but I didn't know you'd be back tonight."

"Chicken's fine," he said, his tone apologetic.

"I started lessons last week, Dad," Regulus felt Malachi tug on his sleeve, drawing his attention; "Miss Quinn's been teaching me letters. I can show you when we get inside," his grip on his sleeve tightened, pulling him in the direction of the cottage.

Regulus smiled at his son's excitement and looked over at Evelyn, who was following close behind, "I heard that there have been some problems at Quarifields."

She shrugged, "Nothing too unusual. There have been some problems with the quality of produce from some suppliers, but it doesn't concern my stock."

"Were you investigated?"

"Of course."

Regulus felt himself become irritated that her integrity had been called into question; "You wouldn't face problems like that if you worked for the Foundation."

"Worked for you, you mean," her tone was clipped, "I'm happy where I am, thank you."

Regulus felt the grip his son had on his sleeve loosen slightly, as Malachi glanced curiously between the two of them, quickly picking up on the tension in his mother's statement. He saw Evelyn smile reassuringly at him and it was only then that he felt Malachi's grip tighten once again.

Regulus felt a strange feeling of jealously rise within him at the boy's obvious favour of his mother's opinion and then shook it away; of course Malachi felt closer to his mother. It's not as if you're a devoted father, he told himself; and could almost hear Severus' voice telling him the same thing.

He made to follow Evelyn as she went through the hallway into the kitchen but was stopped by his son's grip on him tightening; "In here, Dad," he drew him into the living room. He was grateful for his son's interference. He doubted Evelyn would come out and have a real confrontation with him about his absences, she rarely did that anymore, but from her earlier response to him he got the feeling that she was more irritable than usual for them.

"That's 'a'," Malachi held a card up to him, with a large letter A and a picture of an apple beneath it. Regulus smiled and nodded that he was right. The boy smiled brighter and began going through the rest of his cards, waiting for his father's praise and approval after each one.

The two of them had carried on that way until Evelyn called them through to dinner, which was quiet and quickly finished, before Malachi had dragged them back to the living room and demanded their attention for the next hour until Evelyn had shooed him off to bed.

Sometimes it was easy to lose himself in his son; to forget everything that had happened and everything he had done. He could watch him play, join in, teach him new things without a second thought to the world just outside the window. But it wasn't always like that. In fact, it was rarely like that. Most of the time he spent with his son, and with Evelyn, he couldn't help thinking about the war. One minute he would be caught up teasing and tickling the boy and the next his mind would wonder just how many father's he had killed; how many families had he torn apart? How many little boys had he robbed of these moments?

The same thoughts came to him when he was with Evelyn; how many widows had he made? How many lovers had he separated, only to be reunited again in death?

The guilt that came over him was unbearable at those moments.

Guilt was something that he would never escape; it followed him like a shadow wherever he went. When he was at home; when he was at the Foundation; when he was visiting his clients; when he was with his cousins and their families; when he was with Severus. It was always there. But it was always worse when he was with them; Evelyn and Malachi.

Evelyn never understood. He had fallen in love with her during the war; before he had went to Dumbledore. He had been with her when he was at his worst; when he had been a Death Eater – utterly and completely. Like Lucius and Severus, she had seen him at his worst. He couldn't explain why he found it harder to be around her, than it was to be around Severus and Lucius. Perhaps it was because they had carried out the same deeds; that they were as culpable as he.

When he was with Evelyn he felt ashamed. A feeling so strong it overwhelmed him. But that wasn't all he felt when he was with her; he wanted her. He loved her as much now as he did back then. And that's why he kept coming back, even though he sometimes couldn't bear to be near her. He had reasoned with himself, had promised himself in the past that he would let her go. It wasn't fair to keep her when he couldn't commit to her.

And then Malachi had come along and the option of leaving her was gone.

Sometimes he wondered why she didn't leave him. She wouldn't have to leave; she would just have to move on. Find another. But she never did. She was always waiting. Waiting for something he didn't know if he'd ever be able to give her.

But he never said that. And they never spoke about it. She was too scared of what he would say; he was too selfish to give her up.

He didn't want her to walk away.

Sometimes that fear of losing her was enough to override the remorse he felt over the war.

He watched her as she moved around the kitchen, putting away various items that had been brought out for dinner. She had warmed to him slightly as the evening progressed; offering a smile occasionally when Malachi did something particularly amusing or typical of a child. She never held grudges; he always marvelled at how she could simply leave the past in the past and live for the day. She never cared about tomorrow, either.

Regulus swallowed and stood, stepping up behind her. He noticed her tense slightly but she continued folding the dish cloths without responding. Cautiously, he placed his hands on her sides and pressed a kiss to the back of her head, letting his lips linger there a moment as he breathed in the scent of her. She stilled; neither pushing him away nor encouraging him.

"I missed you," he murmured into her hair.

She didn't say anything; simply stood there as he leaned into her, as if contemplating carefully what to do next. There was no need; they both already knew. This was simply normality for them now; a carefully followed routine. He would leave; he would come back; he would spend time with Malachi; they would be left alone; he would go to her and she...

Evelyn turned, his hands remaining on her sides as she did, and faced him. She had that same hurt look in her eyes she always did when he saw her. He saw the questions she would never ask; he saw the anger and the uncertainty. And he saw how much she loved him. She sighed and leaned her forehead against his chest; her invitation.

He slid his arms around her and pressed another kiss to the top of her head, before reaching up to stroke her hair. He never really knew what to say at these times and, from her consistent silences, he assumed she felt the same. It was always easier in the morning. But then it wasn't; because she knew he'd leave again soon and by then the remorse that plagued him was already seeping back into his consciousness.

These moments were precious.

Those were his thoughts as Evelyn leaned up and claimed his lips with hers.

He was forgiven.


	8. October 1986: Friends Like These

Chapter Seven

Lily felt herself drifting as the words on the pages blurred before her. She had managed to force herself to stay awake long enough to read the articles Severus had given to her the night before, just in case she should run into him again and he were to ask her what she thought. Thankfully there hadn't been time for that during the day, as Heart had hurried her off to St Mungo's to acquire some information from the healers there and the two of them had then gone through the medical records of patients who had been permanently disabled by magic.

James' records had been among them. She had let Heart look over that one. She already knew those records like the back of her hand.

At that moment the door to the house flung open and a figure bustled inside. She snapped around to look upon the intruder; Sirius and Harry were already home. She relaxed almost immediately when her eyes fell upon the familiar face that unveiled itself from beneath their hood.

"Julia," Sirius greeted her first, as he stepped down the stairs.

"Black," Julia smiled at him, as she shrugged off her cloak, "How's house-husbanding treating you?"

"Watch it, Bradbury," Sirius reached out as if to grab at her, but Julia dodged out the way easily and threw herself onto the couch next to Lily.

"Where's our little man?"

"Bed."

"It's only half seven!"

"He's been struggling to stay awake since dinner."

"Shame, mind if I wake him up?"

"Yes."

"Come on, Lil', I haven't seen him in ages!" Julia nudged her in the ribs, "I'll read him back to sleep."

Sirius snorted, "You! You'll have him bouncing off the ceiling. Leave him be."

Julia glared playfully at him, as he headed through to the kitchen, before turning her attention back to Lily; "So how's Aurelius?"

Lily responded only with a look that conveyed a mixture of exhaustion, exasperation and uncertainty. The side of Julia's lip curled and she raised an eyebrow, nodding knowingly; "That bad, huh?"

Lily shook her head and leaned against her friend's shoulder; "I feel like a fish out of water."

Julia laughed and pushed her off her, "Come on, it can't be _that _bad. What are they like? Are they awful?"

"No, not at all," Lily put the book she had been reading onto the table and turned to face her, crossing her legs; "They've all been great. I just...I'm just a bit overwhelmed, really," she waved at the papers, "There's so much stuff I skipped. I'm just trying to catch up on the essentials."

"Should've come onto the Internship programme with me," Julia leaned back, "It's great. Meredith's on the programme too, you know."

"I know, she told me."

"So it's the work that's bothering you?"

"No. Just my lack of knowledge," Lily sighed, "But one of my co workers gave me some articles to help me catch up."

"Well, at least they're helping you. Most would just leave you to it."

"I don't know why he's helping me," Lily voiced the thoughts she'd been keeping to herself, "He's someone I used to be friends with at school."

"Maybe that's why then," Julia stated as if the answer was so obvious it needn't be thought about at all.

"No. We parted badly. It's Severus Snape."

"Are you serious, the Potions Master?"

Lily looked at her sharply with a frown, "You know him?"

"I know _of _him," Julia elaborated, sitting up straighter.

"He's Deputy Head of the department."

"What's he like?"

Lily hesitated, not really sure how to answer.

"Is he attractive?"

_What?_

"What?"

"You know, I've heard he's the tall, dark, enigmatic type. Considered quite a catch."

"Severus?" Lily was stunned at his apparent desirability, "I...I never really noticed."

"How could you not notice, you just said you were friends at Hogwarts."

"We were children, Jules," Lily rolled her eyes, "It was hardly something I thought about."

"You met James at Hogwarts."

"Yes," Lily conceded, then explained, "I met Severus before that. We were nine."

"Oh."

"Severus was never concerned with things like that," Lily waved a hand, dismissively, "He always preferred books to girls."

"Well, it seems that approach worked out well for him. No shortage of female admirers now."

"Yes, I suppose," Lily wasn't really interested in Severus' love life. She had always felt uncomfortable thinking about it when they were at Hogwarts and, apparently, that discomfort hadn't eased since the dissolve of their friendship.

Julia seemed to sense that and changed the direction of the conversation; "Well, it's kind of him to help you. He probably sees that you're struggling."

"I hope not," Lily said, quickly. The last thing she wanted was his help out of pity. Or because he thought of her as some incapable dunderhead.

She noticed Julia conceal a smirk; "Whatever the reason, you should be grateful. His name carries a lot of weight; people have been begging to be his apprentice for years. He obviously thinks you're worth the trouble."

"How do you know all this?" Lily was bewildered. Other than the fact that he was in a senior position within the Foundation, she hadn't heard so much as a whisper about him other than that.

"How do you _not _know?" Julia retorted with a small laugh, "Too busy with your head stuck in books and articles to know a celebrity when you meet one."

Lily ignored the jab at her efforts to find a cure for James.

"A celebrity?" Lily was sceptical, "Well I can assure you he doesn't think of himself as _that."_

"Modest too, eh? Perhaps you should introduce us," Julia jokingly ran a hand through her hair, "He may see potential in me also. I could use a good endorsement for my Fellowship when it rolls around."

Lily chuckled and shook her head.

"Is he attached?" Julia went on.

"I don't think so."

"You don't know?"

"How would I _know_?"

"Well, you've spent time with him, haven't you?"

"Hardly. You'd be more likely to know anyway. You already know a lot more about him than me."

"Well, you have the chance to get to know more about him."

Lily didn't respond to the statement, not really sure what Julia was implying and not really sure how she felt about having the opportunity to get to know Severus again. She had long since let go of what had happened between them in fifth year; but that didn't mean she was in a place where she was eager to renew their old friendship.

They had moved on now.

"What are you two gossiping about?" Sirius came back into the room.

"Severus Snape," Julia stated, before Lily had the chance to stop her.

"Snape?" Sirius' voice was filled with contempt.

"Know him too, I gather?" Julia looked amused at his response.

"Unfortunately."

"I can't believe I never knew you two know him."

"Knew," Lily corrected, "And Sirius is on less friendly terms with him than I."

"What are you talking about Snape for?" Lily saw flashes of the old Sirius she had known five years ago; the boy that had disappeared with his best friend.

"He's been helping Lily."

"You never told me that," Sirius looked at her sharply.

"Why would I?"

"Because...because it's _Snape,"_ Sirius ground out, as if that were a real answer, "Why is he helping you? What with?"

"With work."

"He's her boss."

"He's not my boss –"

"You work with Snape?" Sirius looked horrified.

Lily looked at him in irritation. His over protectiveness drove her nuts sometimes.

"Jealous, Sirius?" Julia spoke up, teasingly, without any idea of the reason behind Sirius' venomous tone; "Quite the accomplished wizard, you know."

"I know all about him," Sirius snapped, before turning his attention back to Lily; "How could you not tell me? You see him every day?"

"Give it a rest, Sirius," Lily sighed, exasperatedly.

"What, you don't think I ought to be concerned that you're associating with a Death Eater every day?"

"_What?"_

"For goodness sake, Sirius," Lily snapped, tempted to throw one of her books at him, "Stop making accusations. There's no proof of that."

"Who are you kidding? It's the most obvious thing in the world."

"If that were so he would be in Azkaban."

"See, this is another reason this Fellowship is a bad idea –"

"Don't start with that," Lily's tone was firm, "Don't think I don't appreciate your friendship, but it's none of your business where I work. And _who _I work with is of no concern to you."

Sirius was silenced by her words but didn't look pleased. Lily had expected such a reaction from him, which was the real reason she hadn't revealed that Severus was involved with the project. The last thing he needed was more ammunition against the Fellowship.

But she knew it was more than that. The feud between Sirius and Severus was very strong, very personal. What had happened at Hogwarts had started it all and, really, Severus would be very justified if he were to hold onto his loathing towards him; she knew all about the prank with Remus.

But it went beyond Hogwarts.

She knew that Sirius had tried to reconnect with his brother after what happened to James. It was as if losing someone he had considered a brother had made his want to re-establish that bond with Regulus. But Regulus wasn't his brother by anything other than blood by this point and he was not at all welcoming of a reconciliation; their relationship was beyond repair after the war. And she knew that Sirius resented the relationship his brother had developed with Severus. Their friendship was well known; even she, who apparently knew very little about Severus' celebrity status, was aware of their relationship.

Sirius went upstairs without another word.

Julia looked at her curiously once he had gone:

"What's this about Severus Snape being a Death Eater?"

Lily looked skyward, preparing herself for a very long explanation of events she had no desire to relive.

XXX

Severus almost groaned as he read through the final first year potions essay he had to grade. The child's logic was truly terrible. But, unfortunately, he had seen much worse throughout the course of his marking. He lifted his quill and wrote a large P in the top corner of the page.

The workload at the Foundation was taking a larger toll on him than he had expected. But he had been determined to complete his Hogwarts marking and he hoped to dig up some more useful articles to give to Lily the following day. He had fallen asleep at his desk the previous night before he had a chance to find anything and was concerned about her lack of knowledge about flossberry. It wasn't really necessary for a Healer to know as much detail about the plant as a potions master, but the knowledge would be useful as the project progressed; he was quite certain it would be one of the elements they would be using in the future.

He was pleased that she had offered no resistance when he had produced the previous articles to her; he knew how she resented being told what to do and he had been prepared to insist that she read them. Maybe she had changed since he knew her?

Her change in character didn't matter, so long as one of the things that remained was her determination. He had seen traces of that already and he was certain that the books she had borrowed had been beneficial. No one had questioned his endorsement of her so far, so his credibility was safe for now. But there was still so much she needed to know...

He would ensure she was made aware of all that. It was becoming difficult, trying to decipher from the little time he had with her what things he ought to be giving her to study. She had always been proud; therefore it was likely she had concealed a lot of what she needed further instruction in.

Severus shook his head. He had to stop thinking as if he knew her. Yes, many years ago he had known Lily Evans. But Lily Potter, she was a stranger. He would be a fool to think she hadn't changed.

Hadn't he changed since he last saw her?

Severus started when he heard the door slam but wasn't surprised when Regulus walked into the room moments later. Regulus, however, looked surprised to see _him_ and stopped in the doorway, looking like a guilt schoolboy.

Severus felt his lip twitch in amusement; "Two days? That's all you could spare this month?"

Regulus averted his eyes, a look of shame passing fleeting over his features as he pulled of his cloak; "You're one to talk. Bet you haven't had your nose out of work the whole time I've been away."

"What can I say, work sustains me."

"Evie isn't interested in working for the Foundation."

"No surprise there." Severus put the essay he was holding on top of the others, before arranging the parchments into a pile. He was disappointed. Few managed to grow stock to the high standards that Evelyn did; "Perhaps if you offered to step down..."

"Very funny."

"I suppose she wishes to maintain some dignity," Severus leaned back; "After all, it can't be easy sitting around waiting until her lover decides it's time for his monthly sexual excursion."

"That's not how it is," Regulus' tone was sharp and Severus raised a hand in surrender. Regulus kept his eyes on him for a moment and Severus could clearly see the guilt lying within their depths. _Good. _He may be like a brother to him; but he didn't agree with what he was putting his family through. For their sake, if not for his own, he ought to snap himself out of his pitiful quest for forgiveness. Of all the Death Eaters that had served the Dark Lord, Regulus was by no means the worst.

"Touchy this month."

"How's Project Dorado?" Regulus sat down on the couch, ignoring his statement, "I haven't had a chance to check in with Eugene."

"Nothing to report."

"How are the Fellows? Are they competent?" Severus could see a glint of amusement in Regulus' eyes.

"I suppose so. I have no complaints."

"Ah," Regulus kept his eyes on his, looking at him curiously, that twinkle coming to his eye. Severus ignored him and lifted the pile of articles he had planned to look through for Lily.

"So your fears were proven unnecessary."

"I have ensured that she is aware of any necessary information."

"So you're coaching her."

"No."

Regulus eyed him with a small grin; "But I bet you'd like that? The wise professor taking the struggling novice under his wing... Bear in mind, I'm not keen on my employees forming romances."

"_What?" _Severus was both affronted and baffled; "How did such an idea even come to your head? Sex on the brain, no doubt. Clearly you need another night with Evelyn to spin such thoughts away."

Regulus chuckled.

"And stop with this 'employee' nonsense or you can find yourself another Potions Master to run your research department."

"Now who's touchy."

"Don't you have orphans to tend to? It's Wednesday."

"I have applications to look over."

"_More _applications?" Severus lowered the articles he was holding to regarding him incredulously; "Applications for what? Don't tell me you're taking on more unqualified –"

"For the Orion Sponsorship."

Severus rolled his eyes, turning his attention back to the articles; "More wasted funds. People can't possibly still be applying; you should pull it."

"There's over three hundred applications."

"There were thousands the first few years."

"Well, like you pointed out, most people no longer need it."

"When did I point that out?" He was being deliberately difficult; but he enjoyed winding him up.

"It was implied," Regulus suddenly took interested in the articles he was skimming through; "What are those?"

"What do they look like? I'll give ten points to Slytherin if you get it right."

Regulus suddenly looked more interested, "Deflecting. Must be interesting."

"It's background information for Dorado. Why the interest?"

"I'm not interested in the articles, I'm interested in the defences that have suddenly gone up. Why so shifty?"

"I'm not being shifty," Severus looked at him in irritation. Perhaps this would be a night he would spend at Hogwarts.

"Will you be at the Foundation tomorrow?"

"I have classes in the morning; I'll be there after one."

"Good, I have a potential potions apprentice I wish for you to meet."

"Regulus," Severus looked at him exasperatedly, "I have no time to train an apprentice."

"I don't want you to train him, just meet him. Perhaps give him some advice and recommendations on who to go to; endorse him."

"I don't endorse people."

"I'm sure Mrs Potter would disagree."

"She doesn't know about that."

"Severus," Regulus tone was quiet, "It's Prewett's boy. Their family's been struggling and he's just come of age."

Severus looked skywards but said nothing.

"I'll send him by at one thirty."

"As you wish."

He saw Regulus' triumphant smile as he stood and made his way over to a pile of parchment that sat on top of the cabinet. There were papers, parchment and books lying everywhere in the house. Did the wretched house elf sit with its feet up all day while they were gone? Kreacher. Severus despised it and the feeling was mutual; he was a filthy half-blood, after all, as the elf frequently reminded him. He had wanted to toss it out, but Regulus had a strange attachment to it so it stayed.

Severus' brief burst of energy that had come when Regulus had entered was gone and he felt himself grow weary once again as he looked over the articles before him, attempting to pick out only the most useful to give. He didn't want to risk giving her too many, some of which could be done without, only for Lily to reach the less informative and skip out those which were most crucial.

He glanced at Regulus. He would sure his friend would take great delight in teasing him mercilessly should Lily fail to live up to the picture he'd painted of her to Eugene. He wondered if the Healer would first speak with Severus if he were unsatisfied with her or if he would go straight to Regulus?

He pushed such thoughts away. It would do no good to waste time dwelling on such things. So long as he continued to guide her, there would be no need for concern.

XXX

Rocket: Thank you for your review. I'll take your comments on board and see what I can do ;).


	9. October 1986: In Over Your Head

Chapter Eight

Regulus had tossed the letter he had received onto the fire, burning it instantly, before he left for the orphanage. The last thing he wanted was for Severus to get his hands on it and go off on a murderous rampage.

Hate letters were nothing new to him. They were simply a frequent reminder that people other than himself still remembered what he had done during the war. He knew what people thought. That what he was doing with the Foundation would never make up for what he had taken from them. He knew that. He knew what he had done was unforgivable.

Severus had warned them off him immediately. He had been furious and had made it known that if anyone were to follow through on their threats, that he would personally see to it that they were punished for it. That was how their friendship had become so well known. Severus was already highly regarded at this point, considered to be highly capable and intelligent; he was well known for the number of useful spells he had created. Regulus wondered if it was simply his protection that had kept any threats from being carried out.

Severus may be respected and admired; but no one was willing to see what he was capable of if he were pushed. Regulus, however, knew very well what he was capable of, so he had resorted to concealing the letters whenever he could. He wasn't willing to drag Severus down with him.

"Mr Black," Arabella Applepot smiled at him warmly as he stepped into the orphanage. Of course it was not only letters of hate he received, he reminded himself at the warm welcome; the vast majority of mail he received was full of thanks, admiration, requests. That was what kept him going; knowing that some people did appreciate what he was doing. Knowing that there _were _people who needed the Foundation.

He smiled, "Arabella," he shook her hand and greeted her, asking how things had been going over the past week. The children within the orphanage were the children of people who had been lost in the war; from both sides. And it was one of the places that the Foundation offered regular donations to.

"They're quite excited to see you this week," she remarked, as she led him down the hall to the room where the children stayed.

It was a small orphanage; only eighteen children. The Mistress had stated that it was better that way, as it meant the children had the chance to form a bond; that they could feel as if they were brothers and sisters, rather than children simply thrown together because all they had in common was the loss of their parents.

He'd brought books this week. They always liked books. The received anything he gave with delight, but they always seemed more excited by words and pictures than by sweets or clothes.

They surrounded him excitedly as he entered the room. Children, none of them older than ten. Some just babies when their parents had been lost. Little Draco could have ended up in a place like this, if something had happened to his parents and himself.

"Thank you, Mr Black."

"It's pretty."

"Look at the pictures."

"Will you read something to us?"

The sound of the children's voices soothed his heart of the guilt it bore and he smiled. They crowed round, looking up at him excitedly, their smiles bright. This was what he was doing it for. This was what warmed his heart and what made each day bearable; knowing that he had made someone else's life easier, especially if it was someone whose suffering he may have caused in the first place.

A child's smile; that was worth something.

But another thought followed closely on the heels of that; why was his child's smile never enough?

XXX

She was close enough that he could touch her if he just moved his hand a few inches.

It was horribly distracting.

Severus' brow furrowed, as he peered down at the parchment before him, attempting to concentrate on the notes he was making. Cornelia had been excused from work for the afternoon and Eugene had suggested that Lily assist him with his potions, remarking that she appeared to have a lot of knowledge about the potions ingredients that he intended to look into.

Severus had almost rolled his eyes at the statement; of course the articles he had given her would come back to haunt him. He glanced at her out the corner of his eye; she didn't seem at all affected by the fact that they were working together and had been quiet throughout most of the time they had been there.

"I have a question about perrilace vine," Lily said suddenly, without looking at him.

Severus glanced at her. Her tone sounded so casual, so relaxed; as if there was nothing at all unusual about their situation. He wondered if he could get her to look at him, perhaps gain a glimpse of what was going on in her mind. Maybe then he would know how he ought to deal with this; did she still think of him as an old friend, a friendship that had ended badly? Or had she simply swept that under the rug and no longer considered him as such; was he now just a co-worker who she worked with, their history completely irrelevant.

She seemed to sense his eyes on her, for he had been silent in response to her statement for a while, and met his eyes. He quickly snapped himself to his sense and turned his attention back to his parchment; "Did something in the article confuse you?"

"No," she was still looking at him. He was suddenly very aware of his breathing and inwardly scolded himself; it would not do for him to revert back to his nervous teenage self. He was surely past such ridiculousness; this was just Lily, a woman, like any other.

"I've come across it frequently in articles I've read," Lily went on, oblivious to his thoughts, "I thought that Dara Goodwin's research had proven it wouldn't be possible to use when it came to the cases we're dealing with?"

Severus looked at her, surprised at the statement. So she already knew about perrilace vine. Why, in Merlin's name, had she not told him so when he had given her the article about it? "I was not aware you had researched it."

"I haven't really. I assumed from Goodwin's studies that it would be fruitless to rely on it," Lily had turned back to the small cauldron that he had had her watch over, "The side effects almost completely outweigh any benefits that could be had. And, considering the properties within in, flossberry would be necessary to counteract those effects. Which opens up more problems; perrilace vine and flossberry together is fine, but there are few main ingredients that could be safely added without the final result becoming almost fatal to those who may consume it."

Severus watched her, feeling a strange sense of pride come over him. He shook it away; why should he feel proud of her? What right did he have?

"It seems the reading material I provided was unnecessary."

Lily looked at him quickly, "Oh. No, not at all. I knew some prior to reading them, but the articles only confirmed my suspicions."

Severus nodded, "So, what is the question?"

"You don't seem surprised by what I said," Lily was regarding him, curiously, "And, considering your occupation, you probably already knew all that anyway."

Severus held her look before repeating; "So, what is the question?"

Lily shrugged, turning back to the ingredients, "If you already know that the combination can't be used, then why are we studying them?"

Severus lowered the quill he had been holding to the parchment, wiping the ink from his fingers on his robe, "What you say is true. However it would not be wise to simply discard the two ingredients, particularly when they have already been shown to contain properties which are proven to stimulate the mind. Perrilace, in particular, needs to be considered further."

"But perrilace can't be used without flossberry."

"Yet."

Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, frowning slightly. She met his eyes and tilted her chin slightly, as she often did when she realised something; "So, that's what you're trying to do? Find a way to use perrilace vine?"

Severus touched the vine that sat on the desk in front of him; "We believe perrilace vine is key to the final result. Flossberry must also be considered, as well as tarnweed. We start with those three; however there is room for changes, should anything of them prove unsuitable. Right now, we are attempting to find another component which counters the side effects of perrilace."

"Have you tried pearlwood?"

"Of course."

Severus almost smiled at the disappointed look in her eyes as she glanced away. She had obviously been giving the articles he had given her a lot of consideration. He was glad of that and, as he regarded her, wondered if he had not given her enough credit when he had been worrying about endorsing her application.

_Well, what did you expect? _His mind mocked him; _that she would still be that nine year old girl who looked to you for every answer?_

He turned his attention back to his notes. She may have been the one whose suggestion had been countered, but he was the one left feeling foolish. Did he expect her to be completely incompetent? Did he truly believe that she would have applied to the Fellowship without any background knowledge?

He almost rolled his eyes; was the whole charade just him trying to convince himself that she needed his help?

"I..." Lily was looking down at the potion that was brewing, attempting, unsuccessfully, to appear nonchalant, "I never heard much of you after we left Hogwarts."

Severus tensed and deliberately picked up his quill, beginning to scribble down some notes onto the parchment. Notes he had already written and stashed away earlier in the day; but he didn't trust his mind to come up with anything useful in the next few moments.

"I heard little of you, also."

Lily was quiet for a moment, as if contemplating what to say next, continuing to keep up her charade of indifference, "When did you decide to undergo a Potions Apprenticeship?"

"Seventh year."

He caught Lily's nod but continued to keep his eyes on his parchment, scribbling away.

"I didn't hear you were a Potions Master until after the war. I always expected to bump into you before that; you had wanted to be an Auror when we...well, during the first few years of Hogwarts."

Severus hesitated a moment and, before he could help himself; "The first I heard of you after Hogwarts was from an announcement in the Daily Prophet." _Your marriage to James Potter, _the unspoken statement hung in the air.

Lily didn't respond at first, only kept her eyes on the potion bubbling before her. She drew in a breath; "Well, I didn't become involved in a profession until after the war; so no other reason to hear anything of me," she glanced at him briefly, "We had very different social contacts, after all."

Severus hand stilled. There was a definite unspoken question hidden among that statement. What business was it of hers what his contacts were? He felt uneasy; he knew what she wanted to ask. He knew the question in her mind, no legilimency skills required; did he join them?

Had she been right about him?

Severus forced himself to continue writing. He would let her wonder. She didn't deserve to know, he tried to tell himself. She made her choice. She didn't get to know what had happened after that.

His own mind was his enemy when it came to Lily. There was always justification for her actions lurking there; his mind could always muster up some reason why he was the one being unreasonable. Weren't there things she deserved to know? Perhaps not that he became a Death Eater, but didn't she deserve to know who had placed the noose around her and her family's neck? He delivered the prophecy, didn't she deserve to know that?

Why did she need to know that? Something within him countered. The prophecy hadn't mattered in the end; the Dark Lord had chosen Neville. Even if he had used the Potters as a decoy, James Potter was not lost because of the prophecy.

Severus felt himself grow hot as his mind went back to those days. The days he had feared for her life; feared he had signed her death sentence by delivering the prophecy. He tried not to think of them; of those hopeless days and nights he had spent, wondering if it were truly possible for a man to die simply from terror. He had feared for much during those times; for Lily, for Regulus, for himself. His occlumency skills would fail him, he had often thought, the Dark Lord is too strong. Every day he woke up, wondering if it were the day he was doomed to die.

Just thinking of them weighed heavy on his heart and he thought of Regulus; Regulus, who held onto those days, to those hopeless feelings, refusing to let go. Why did he condemn himself to it?

But Severus wouldn't have changed those days. Those were the darkest, but they had brought him here. Isn't that what everyone says; it's always darkest before the dawn? Severus glanced at Lily, as if to remind himself that she was really there. He had done it all for her. She had brought him back, without even knowing it; without doing anything. Her memory had been enough for him and it was that that had pointed him on the road that led him here.

But he had let go of that memory. That wasn't what was driving him anymore. It hadn't done for a long time.

He wouldn't let himself fall into the trap of crediting her for everything. Yes, his love for her had saved him; _his _love, not hers. He had to keep reminding himself of that, he told himself; she already held enough power over him.

"What made you change your mind?"

Severus looked at her.

"Change my mind?"

"From becoming an Auror," Lily was looking at him now, no longer pretending to be interested in the potion, "What made you decide to go into potions?"

Severus shrugged, "Seventh year classes."

Seventh year potions had been the one of the few times he and Lily had seen one another at Hogwarts, following the dissolve of their friendship. They had even been paired together by Slughorn on occasion: all before Potter.

"I never would have expected you to become a Professor."

Severus glanced at her quickly, the strange familiarity in her tone surprising him, and, when he looked at her, found himself looking into the eyes of a girl from years ago. Eyes twinkling, teasingly, a slight smirk on her lips. For a moment he could forget that they hadn't spoken in ten years and that distance just fell away. He smiled.

Lily's expression warmed for a moment in response but then she averted her eyes; "You've never been patient, after all. Especially when it came to those who knew less than you."

"I was patient with you, was I not?"

"When we were children ourselves," Lily glanced at him, that same light-hearted look in her eyes, "Don't think I didn't notice how your patience with me waned as time went on."

Severus frowned, "What? When? I was never impatient. Besides, you rarely needed instruction from me once we got to Hogwarts."

"Not instructions, maybe, but I could see how frustrated you were during our study sessions, _especially _in potions."

"Nonsense," Severus dismissed her statement, though he could clearly remember occasions where he _had _been frustrated by her. She always had to know exactly _how _something worked; she could never just accept it and do it, so he would spend endless minutes evaluating and explaining why to her before they would finally get on with it.

He was frustrated just thinking about it.

"Do you enjoy it?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"How could it be a trick question?"

"What do you think, Mrs Potter?" Severus leaned on the desk, looking at her fully, "Do you think I enjoy it?"

She frowned slightly, looking confused, "I...uh," she glanced away, then back at him, "I don't know."

"You may not _know, _but you must have an opinion," _you always do_, his mind added, and he found himself holding back a grin.

Lily's eyes narrowed, seeming to notice, "Are you trying to trick me?"

"What would make you think that?"

She held his look for a moment, looking bewildered, and he couldn't help the twitch his lips made, giving away his amusement. She seemed as unwilling to smile as he, but her lips disobeyed and she smiled also, before she quickly reached up, concealing it by rubbing her lips.

"You've changed," she said.

"Of course. Haven't you?"

"Not as much as you," she was looking at him searchingly and he suddenly felt uncomfortable. He looked away, turning his attention back to his notes.

"We had best not waste time," he could hear the change in his tone, cooler and distant; he was relieved it did not give him away; "How is the potion?"

Lily glanced at it; "No change."

"It's about time we add the flossberry," he left her side and made his way to the other side of the room.

It was as if those few steps away from her had freed him from a spell. His heart beat faster than normal and his hands felt damp, as he rubbed them on his robes. This was ridiculous. There mere proximity to her made his body betray him and act as if he were a fifteen year old boy again. Sweaty palms, butterflies, silly smiles, teasing words.

Severus felt like laughing at himself.

What a fool he was.

He may be a fool, but he was sensible enough to realise the danger he was in. He suddenly missed her; for the first time in years, he felt that pang in his gut, that emptiness he had felt every night in the days that had followed her abandonment of him in fifth year.

Severus shook his head slightly at his weakness. Would she always be that to him? His weakness? He was tired of it. He had long let go of the hopes he had once had; the dreams he had had involving her. That's all they were. Dreams. Fantasy.

Why did those old feelings still have such a hold?

He wondered if someone had slipped him a love potion at Hogwarts, smirking to himself at the idea.

No. He loved her before that.

_Love._

The word mocked him. He didn't _love _her; the idea was absurd. He hadn't seen her in a decade. No. It wasn't love. It was something else. A hold she had over him, that was all.

He thought it was gone. He thought he had escaped it at last. Maybe he had. Maybe this was new. It didn't matter.

Every minute he spent with her was dangerous. Old feelings reawakened; old dreams remembered.

He should stay away from her.

_But you won't._

His own mind laughing at him. And it was right; he wouldn't.

_No. Be honest._

Fine. He couldn't.

XXX

Blu, thanks very much for taking time to review and I'm glad you're enjoying the story.


	10. October 1986: Forgive Me Not

Chapter Nine

Remus Lupin was lonely.

It was a feeling that had haunted him frequently when he had been a child; when the only people he had were his parents and he could never hold onto a friend because he was too ashamed of the secret that he kept from them. From everyone.

That had all changed when he went to Hogwarts. James Potter had befriended him first. He had been reckless, impulsive and over confident, speaking to him with an ease that Remus had never experienced. It had captivated him, how someone could speak to him so. But he hadn't known then, what Remus concealed, so he assumed that would change in time. So he kept his distance, the same as he had done with those who had tried to befriend him as a child. But James Potter was resilient; he had seen something within him worth befriending and, so, Remus was never left alone by him. Sirius Black picked up on James' friendship with him quickly and, very soon after his friendship with James was established, Sirius came along as part of the package. But Remus had liked Sirius too; even if he was too easily angered, too quick to dismiss those he had deemed worthy of censure. He supposed that was because he always expected that attitude to be turned to him, should they ever discover the truth.

It hadn't. At least Remus had thought not, as Sirius and James' friendship had been steadfast, as had Peter's – though he did not care to think about him anymore – when he had revealed the truth to them; the terrible truth that he was a werewolf. They had not turned him away, had not been fearful, nor prejudiced. In fact, if anything, they had appeared excited; Sirius especially.

It was not until some years later that his being a werewolf had began to cause strain. It started with Sirius. Sirius and his 'prank'. Remus could hardly believe what had happened were true, when Peter had told him; it was when he had sat within Dumbledore's office, alone, with the old man that the truth had sunk in. But it was not until some years later, when he had really thought about the incident, that his resentment for it had sunk in. Was he anything more than a pet to Sirius, he had asked himself. Some fearful, dangerous animal that Sirius had been delighted to call his own; to use as he pleased?

James had convinced Remus to forgive Sirius the first time; for using him as his weapon. But James had not been there for the second betrayal. He had not been there to defend him when he had turned on him; named him the traitor. Remus knew it was Sirius who had decided it; he knew that it had been Sirius who had convinced James and Lily it was he who could not be trusted.

That was why Remus had believed the spy had been Sirius; because he had been so insistent the spy was him. He had planted the doubt in James' mind and then he, alone, had convinced them to use Peter as their secret keeper.

And now James was gone.

Peter had betrayed them.

And Sirius had betrayed him.

The Marauders were wiped out with Voldemort.

And now, here was Sirius in his home, which he had entered only a handful of times since then for both knew Remus had never forgiven him for it. All they had in common now was James and James' family. Lily and Harry, that was all. And they were the only reasons they ever spoke; so he knew when Sirius and Harry had shown up that day that something was wrong with one of them.

Had Harry expressed to him the same fears he had expressed to Remus?

It was only the boy, James' son, who managed to drive away the loneliness that haunted him. He would deal with Sirius everyday for the rest of his life, if that's what it took to give Harry everything he deserved. He loved the boy.

"You have to talk to her."

"She won't listen to me, any more than she would listen to you," Remus did not look at him as he spoke; he rarely did.

"She looks to you for advice all the time."

"Hardly. Speak to Julia."

"Julia," Sirius scoffed, "She doesn't understand. Heck, she was blabbering on about what a wonderful wizard he was when I found out."

Remus handed the sandwich he had been making to Harry, who took it from his hands eagerly; "He's done well for himself."

"What does that matter? We can't trust him."

"We don't need to. It's Lily who's working with him."

"You can't tell me you're not concerned about this?"

Was he concerned? He supposed he was. After all, Severus Snape was a close friend of Regulus Black; a very close friend, undoubtedly a relationship formed during the war, and when one associated with Death Eaters it was only logical that one is likely a Death Eater also. But Remus was tired of Sirius; and he was certain this was not the basis of Sirius' assumption. No; he assumed it for the same reasons he had expected Snape to become a Death Eater at Hogwarts. Unjustified prejudices; assumptions because of House loyalties; because of his mannerisms.

Snap judgements Sirius and James had made about him as children.

They had assumed Severus was a Death Eater because of unjustified reasons; just as he had been assumed to be loyal to Voldemort because of his secret.

"Remus!"

"What?" Remus snapped, irritated, though he knew he had missed several of Sirius' remarks before he had called his name.

"She's working with a Death Eater, for Merlin's sake!"

"What proof do you have?"

"Proof? What are you talking about; you don't need to eat a cake to know it's sweet!"

"You're making assumptions; just like you always do."

Sirius looked irritated by the accusation in his tone; "Don't start with that. This isn't about you."

"But it relates quite well, don't you think?" Remus looked at him for the first time.

Sirius' eyes narrowed, "Do you think you could put aside your petty issues and consider Lily's well being for a second; for Harry's sake, at least."

"Don't use Harry's name to win your battles; I've seen you do it plenty with Lily. And I can tell you now, Lily knows how to deal with Severus Snape. She did just fine when we knew him before."

"This is different, she's...she's not the same girl she was back then."

"She's not a defenceless flower, Sirius, leave her be. This Fellowship has nothing to do with working with Snape; even if your accusations were true, that won't keep her from him if it means finding something to help James."

"James would kill us if he knew we let her work with him; his worst enemy."

"Then don't tell him."

"Is that supposed to be a joke?" Sirius' eyes flashed, angrily. Harry looked back and forth between them, curiously, though seemed as unfazed as ever by their words. He was used to them.

Remus shook his head, "We both know there's no bringing James back. But I've had that argument countless times with her – the same argument that me bringing this up with lead to; I'm not willing to stretch my relationship with her to its limits over something as meaningless as her working with Snape. He's not worth it; so leave it."

"Of course _he's _not worth it, but Lily is."

"So go to your brother. Get him to kick Snape off the project."

"Be serious!"

Remus almost smirked; who was talking, after all?

"Remus, we're supposed to protect her; we promised James that, didn't we?"

"Yes. Though James' faith in me was not so strong that he would expect me to stand by it."

"There you go again, making everything all about you. I told you I was sorry, what more can you ask?"

"For sincerity?" Remus snapped, looking angrily, "Your basis for accusation is that Snape was an awkward child, who had invented a few spells and knew more magic than you at Hogwarts."

"That is not my basis," Sirius retorted, furiously.

"It's insignificant," Remus went on, "Based on nothing but arrogant assumptions about someone's character and how you expect them to act, according to the picture you've painted of them in your mind. The same as you did to me."

"You think I wanted to believe it was you?"

"It could have been you, you know," Remus glared at him, his voice low, "There may have been reasons you thought I was the traitor; but there were reasons for it being you too. You're a Black; your family's stance was clear. You might have wanted to get back into their good graces; might have wanted to impress them, like Regulus was doing."

"That's dragon shit, and you know it!"

"Yes, I do know it!" Remus snapped, his volume rising, "I do know it, because I know you! Just like you ought to have known me, but that didn't matter did it? You still thought it was me; you still convinced James and Lily to think the same and now we lost him. Lost him because of _your _arrogance in thinking you know everything and everyone!"

"Me?" Sirius ground out, though his expression betrayed his astonishment, "You...are you saying you blame _me _for what happened to James? It was Peter!"

"And who told them to trust Peter?"

"Fuck you!" Sirius had clenched his fist, seeming ready to strike at him, but stopped when Harry loyally stepped to Remus' side; "Fuck _you _Remus. You think I was the only one who believed it was you? James believed it; Lily believed it. Heck, even Dumbledore believed it! Don't stand there making out this is _my _fault!"

"It is your fault! Don't stand there acting all innocent; you blame yourself too, don't deny it, because you should!"

Sirius could only stare at him, lost for words; Sirius rarely could find nothing to say. But this time his expression conveyed all that words would not; that he was stunned, horrified, hurt, furious. All feelings Remus was familiar with; feelings he had lived with ever since he'd discovered his friends he had loved had turned on him, over something he couldn't control. He wouldn't feel sorry for Sirius; he deserved to hear it.

"Are you serious, Remus?" Sirius' voice was almost broken when he spoke, "This is what you've kept to yourself all this time? _This _is what you've been thinking?"

Remus held his eyes with his; he didn't say anything, but knew the message was conveyed; simply, yes.

It only took a second for the hurt in Sirius' expression to disappear; for his expression to darken; "I suppose it's easy for you to convince yourself of that. To sit back, hiding behind your own secret, blame that for everything. Blame everyone else for everything. You made it easy for us to assume it was you; you did nothing to assure us otherwise!"

"If I'd known that's what you thought, I would have! You never gave me the chance to defend myself!"

"What else would we think? You walked around, barely spoke, when you did only to complain about how you hated the war. How you didn't want to fight anymore. What were we supposed to think?"

"You weren't supposed to think, you were supposed to _know. _And I didn't want to; what I did for the war effort was far more taxing that you! It was all so exciting for you, battles, conspiracies; no one to lose –_"_

"I lost James!"

"– You try going undercover; try fearing for your life every second of the day; try willingly becoming the thing you most hate about yourself constantly and tell me you wanted it to go on. That it wouldn't put a strain on your relationships!"

"You never spoke about it –"

"Because I wanted to escape it!"

"Cowardice; that's what you're using now as an excuse. And the secret; it's always the secret. That's why you were sent undercover; that's why everyone thought it was you. Poor Remus; can't escape the beast within –"

"Shut up!" Remus paled, looking at Harry, but the boy didn't pick up on what Sirius had said and was now looking through a book on the floor.

Remus turned his attention back to Sirius; "It always comes back to that because y_ou _make it about that. Was I ever more than a dangerous animal to you; a pet you kept trained?"

"You're talking dragon shit now," Sirius shook his head, "It was never like that. You were my friend."

"Friend? You tried to make me a murderer! You almost ruined my life!"

"Where the heck is _this _coming from?" Sirius was baffled but his voice was still loud with anger, "That was years ago! We're past it!"

"I thought so too."

Sirius shook his head, "You know what, forget it. I can take care of Lily myself."

"I'll always be there for Lily. Don't twist my words. This isn't about Lily; it's about you and me."

"What you and me?" Sirius looked at him, his expression tired, "There hasn't been a you and me in a long time; and now you've finally told me why."

Remus lowered his eyes; could feel himself retreating back into himself. Back to normal.

"Don't expect me to care," Sirius went on, "If you want to sit here and stew about the past; sit here, living your life in bitterness and regret, don't expect me to come and make it all better."

"I never did."

"Harry, let's go."

Harry protested but, upon noticing Sirius stride determinedly to the door, quickly stood and gave Remus a hasty hug before he hurried after his Godfather.

Remus already regretted it. He had held back for years because he knew he would. The last thing he needed was guilt added to the list of unwanted feelings he couldn't shake. A part of him had hoped that, when this day came, perhaps it wouldn't be guilt that would come away from it. Perhaps by letting out those thoughts, he would be filled with relief and be free of those debilitating feelings.

But that was not so.

Everything was the same.

Everything was lost. And he was as lonely as ever.

XXX

"Have you heard from Lucius?"

"Why would I?" Regulus glanced curiously at Severus, who appeared concerned.

He always seemed concerned lately. Concerned about the Foundation. Concerned about the project. Concerned about him. He really did worry too much. He almost laughed at it; Severus Snape clucking around like an old mother hen, worrying about everything and everyone. Though he guessed the unusual erratic behaviour of his was down to Lily Potter's reappearance in his life; he was trying to find something else to focus on, rather than whatever feelings the woman had awoken within him.

Regulus wasn't an idiot. He knew very well what his friend was going through. Though, for now, he would keep silent. Besides, what could he say? It was not as if he could encourage his feelings; she was married and didn't seem keen to give up on that fact, despite her husband being incapacitated for five years.

"I have to speak with Narcissa about organising the Christmas Fundraiser. Do you want me to give her a message for him?" Regulus lifted the bottle of wine that had arrived at his Aurelius office that morning; a thank you gift from the Prewets for helping their son.

"No," Severus spoke quickly, "No. It's nothing that can't wait...well...Yes, it can wait. I will speak with him the next time I see him."

"Is something wrong?" he popped open the cork of the wine bottle.

"Possibly," Severus affirmed, before he cast a quiet _muffliato, _"There are rumours. They concern the Dark Lord."

Regulus almost dropped the bottle he was holding and looked up sharply, "The Dark Lord? What? What rumours?"

"I don't know much. Only that his presence has been felt. I thought Lucius might know something."

"Then you should speak to him immediately," Regulus almost cringed at how panicked his voice sounded, "What if he were to return?"

"Calm down, Regulus," Severus responded with enviably calmness, though Regulus could sense from the look in his eyes that he was just as concerned as he, "This is not the first time we have heard such claims."

"All the more reason for concern," Regulus countered, as he poured a glass of the wine, "You should contact Lucius tonight. Wine?"

"Not for me. His location is unknown, remember," Severus pointed out, as he took a seat in the chair behind Regulus' desk, "What is that?"

"What?"

"That smell," he was looking around with a frown.

"What smell?"

Severus shook his head, "I...I'm not sure."

"Do you think Lucius..." Regulus broke off, not wanting to finish the sentence. Both of their friendships with Lucius had remained intact following the war; he had never questioned either of them about their change in loyalties – whether they were true or if they had just been excuses they had used to escape imprisonment. Instead, Lucius had been content to put those days behind him and continue on as normal; and he had maintained his relationship with both. But they had not questioned his loyalties either; was it possible he had returned to their former master...

"I doubt it," Severus said with a certainty that couldn't help but be reassuring, "Lucius is in no hurry to see his return; his life is far better with him gone. What could the Dark Lord's return possibly offer him?" Severus was looking around the desk, lifting papers mindlessly looking for something.

Regulus nodded, he supposed what he said was true, "What are you looking for?"

Severus never answered him as he stood, almost pacing as he walked around the room.

"Going mad, Sev?" Regulus grinned. He barely noticed as Severus seized the bottle of wine from the desk where he had left it, lifting it to his nose, as Regulus lifted his glass to his lips.

"No!"

Before Regulus could make sense of what was happened, the glass he was holding was knocked from his hand. It took only a few moments for him to regain his bearings; the glass had smashed over the desk and the liquid that had spilled from it now sizzled and had smoke emitting from it. Regulus frowned.

"What..."

Severus' eyes were dark as he appeared in front of him, holding the bottle of wine, "Where did you get this?"

"Uh...it was a gift. From the Prewets –"

"Prewets!" Severus' tone was low, dangerous with fury, as he lifted the gift tag that hung from the neck of the bottle. It only took a second for him to shake his head; "It's not from them. They would not be so foolish as to try something like this."

Regulus was stunned into inaction. He had received death threats before, plenty of furious letters. But he had never, not since Severus had warned off potential threats, experienced any blatant attempts on his life. He stepped towards his desk, looking at the liquid that continued to sizzle on the desk.

"What is it?"

"Poison."

"I know _that," _Regulus was embarrassed by how rattled his tone sounded, "What kind?"

"Does it matter? There's rosary pea seeds, for sure. But...that smell," Severus lifted it to his nose again, more cautious this time, taking another sniff, "There's something else; a potion. I'd have to investigate further."

Regulus waved a dismissive hand, though its shaking betrayed his fright, "Don't trouble yourself; you have enough to do."

"Don't talk rubbish," Severus was almost shouting at him, his eyes dark with fury, speaking as if he were a child, "You ought to be more careful. What if I had not been here? You would be dead!"

Regulus straightened, indignantly, "Don't talk to me as if I were one of your students, Severus. Pardon me for having a little faith in human kindness."

"Yes, your naivety will be your undoing," Severus was looking rattled too, as he carefully corked the bottle he was holding, "From now on, only touch food and drink you have purchased yourself."

"Yes, Master."

"Don't make jokes! Have you received any letters recently? Anything to cause concern?"

Regulus' quickly averted his eyes and then almost cringed; could there be any other movement that would have given him away so easily. Severus' eyes narrowed; "Where? Let me see it."

"I don't have it anymore. I destroyed it."

"Regulus!" Severus , with a shake of his head, lifted the spell he had placed over the room earlier and strode to the door. He called down to the Greeter at the end of the hall and wasted no time in getting to the point; "Has there been any unusual persons down this corridor today?"

"No, Sir. Not that I've seen."

"Mr Black was just now almost poisoned!"

The Greeter, Elena Fitzherbert, turned wide eyes on Regulus, full of concern, "Shall I call for one of the Healers?"

"What for?" Severus' tone was clipped, "You think this is how he would look if he _had _been poisoned? Obviously he has not consumed it!"

"Severus," Regulus spoke reproachfully, as the girl shied back from Severus' fury.

"I want to see the register of everyone who has entered and left the building today. And anyone who may have seen any suspicious figures in this part of the Foundation, send them to me so I may interview them."

"Send them to Mrs Tonks' office," Regulus spoke up, stepping up beside Severus, "She will deal with it," he looked at Severus pointedly.

Miss Fitzherbert nodded quickly and hurried off to give the message.

"I will deal with this, Regulus –"

"No, Andie can deal with it," Regulus spoke firmly, for he knew he had to be strong if he were to win this argument, "You don't doubt she would take the issue seriously, do you? Besides, you have already said you'll investigate the wine. And there's also the project to work on. Let Andie and I deal with finding the culprit."

Severus held his look, before he said, more calm now, "Very well. But I wish to know when the culprit is discovered; and whom that person is. Also, you should contact the Prewet boy – just in case."

"It wasn't them, they wouldn't sign it if it were," Regulus said, assuredly.

"True, but they may know something."

"There are more pressing matters," Regulus said, though he couldn't help but feel he wasn't entirely honest with regards to his own feelings with that remark. As the minutes went by and what had happened sunk in further, he found himself becoming agitated. Though what for? His mind sneered at him; it's not as if you don't deserve it. He quickly shook that thought away, focusing on Severus; "I'll try and find out Lucius' whereabouts when I speak with Narcissa tonight. For now, I should go and inform Andie of what has happened." He walked past him and opened the door, making his way out.

Severus only nodded, his attention on the bottle in his hand, "Yes. Yes, but Regulus –" Regulus turned at his friend's softer tone, " – be careful."

Regulus couldn't help but smile at the genuine concern in his voice; "Don't worry about me."

But he knew the statement was pointless, because from the look on Severus' face the concern he had already been feeling towards him was only likely to increase dramatically following this incident.

Well, Regulus mused, at least he doesn't have to work so hard to keep his mind off Lily Potter now.


	11. November 1986: Own Worst Enemy

Chapter Ten

Sirius was staring into the fire, his expression dark, when Lily finally found herself arriving home that night. It had been a trying day, to say the least, and had been ever since the security breach had been made earlier that week. She wasn't entirely sure of the situation and none of her colleagues had been willing to fill her in, if they had known; all she knew was that security had been tightened and that no one would be admitted into the building without an identification card and a demonstration of their magical signature.

She hadn't seen Sirius or Harry in almost four days, leaving the house early and arriving home after they had gone to bed; so it was with some surprise that she greeted Sirius upon seeing him.

"Sirius!" she almost gasped, jumping slightly at the sight of him. With a wave of her wand the room filled with light, "What are you doing sitting here in the dark?" she glanced at the timepiece, "It's almost one."

"Didn't mean to scare you," he mumbled, not bothering to look at her, taking a drink from a glass. She frowned, immediately recognising it to be firewhisky.

She glanced in the direction of the stairs, "Did Harry go down alright?"

"Always does."

"Right."

She shrugged out of her cloak, hanging it over the peg by the door, and began removing her boots. As the silence stretched, she glanced over at him with some concern, noting that he still remained staring into the fireplace and hadn't moved since she had come in. Was something troubling him? It certainly wasn't like Sirius Black to brood.

She stepped around the couch, "Is something wrong?"

He was silent and for a moment she wasn't sure if he had heard. Before she could repeat a variation of the same question, he spoke up, "Do you ever think how it all happened? What happened to James?"

Lily hesitated a moment, wondering if he really needed an answer to the question. Of all of them, she was the one who most obviously thought about James; and she often felt the brunt of their disapproval over her constant dwelling over what had happened. Deciding that the question was obviously rhetorical, she instead walked around and sat down next to him.

"Did something happen? Did...did you go and see James?"

"I see him all the time."

Lily sighed, "Sirius, look at me." He glanced at her briefly, before averting his eyes again almost childishly, and she released a small, low chuckle, "Come on, just tell me. What's the matter?"

He turned to look at her and she was startled to see a sort of desperation in his eyes that she rarely seen; that she hadn't seen since years before when they had learned that they were being hunted. But it was a flash and it was gone before he spoke, with an intensity in his voice that was also strange to hear, "Lily, before you went under the Fidelius, did you believe that Remus was the spy?"

Lily drew in a slow breath, before she shrugged, "You know I did."

"But before _I _said anything. Did you believe it before the things I was saying? Or was it just because of me?"

"Did something happen with Remus?"

"Just answer me, Lil'," he said, that desperate look in his eyes again, "Would you have thought it was Remus if I hadn't said anything?"

"I..." Lily hesitated, not really sure. It had been so long ago; she hadn't thought much about the events leading up to what had happened; only what the consequences had been; "I don't know."

"James never believed it, you remember? It was me who convinced him. I never even thought it could be..." he broke off, taking a long drink and emptying his glass, "It was me, right? I mean, I know how close you and Remus were back then. You –"

"Sirius, what's the point of this?" Lily shook her head, "It's easy to look back and wish we did things differently. It doesn't change anything. Why dwell on it?"

"Because it's my fault!"

"Since when?" she frowned, shaking her head, "Since when have you thought _that? _I don't blame you for any of it –"

"I know you don't," he said, quietly, looking at his hands.

She looked over him a moment but it didn't take long for her to realise what had inspired the conversation; what had gotten him brooding over the past; "What did Remus say to you?"

Sirius gave a humourless laugh and shrugged, "Nothing that wasn't true, I suppose."

"Well obviously that's not true, is it? Otherwise you wouldn't be sitting here thinking these ridiculous thoughts."

"Ridiculous thoughts," Sirius repeated, quietly, "Well you always did think I was an idiot –"

Lily lightly slapped him across the back of the head with a smile, "Snap out of it, Black."

"I'm not joking around, Lily," he looked at her with an intensity that made her uneasy and she averted her eyes. She sighed and looked back at him, before reaching for his hand;

"What did he say to you?"

"Doesn't matter," he muttered, looking away. She rolled her eyes, shaking his hand in hers, impatiently. He sighed, "It was really bad, Lil'."

Lily waited patiently for him to continue and he looked over at her; "I try not to think about it. About the fact that I was the one that told you and James to use Peter as your secret keeper. I mean, Merlin, Lily – what if You-Know-Who _had _come after Harry? You'd all be dead!"

"But he didn't," Lily turned to face him more fully, "Sirius, what good does it do to imagine how things might have been; _especially _the bad things?"

"Except something bad did happen; we lost James."

"That was Peter. That's it; end of. I don't blame you. James wouldn't blame you –"

"Remus does."

Lily hesitated a moment, surprised at the declaration; "He said that?"

"Yes."

She shook her head, "He's just angry. At all of us. We didn't trust him."

"We should have."

"Should have; would have; could have. See where I'm going?"

"He blames me, Lily. _Me_. And, you know what, he's not unjustified thinking that –"

"He's just angry, Sirius."

"That doesn't change the fact that he's right."

"Sirius, listen to me," she spoke firmly, as if she would to a child, "It wasn't your fault. James and I, we made that choice right along with you. And yes, we were wrong; all of us were wrong. And the only person blameless in that choice was Remus. But even that doesn't mean he gets to sit back and judge us for what happened to James."

"Moony always was a self-righteous little prick," Sirius stated, with a tone so withering that her eyes widened in surprise.

"Sirius, perhaps you should speak with him again."

Sirius shook his head, not looking at her, with an expression that reminded her of the boy she had known at Hogwarts. Stubborn, with an unwavering ability to hold a grudge.

"It could have been so much worse, Lily."

Lily sighed, almost rolling her eyes at yet another would-have-been statement, "But it wasn't. And it wouldn't have been your fault."

Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment, before he glanced at her. He leaned over, giving her a light kiss on the cheek, "Going to bed. Night, Lil'." He stood, without waiting for a response, and strode from the room, not looking at all like he was ready to sleep.

Lily remained on the couch, watching after him as he made his way up the stairs and out of sight, her concern only growing more with each step he took. She knew Sirius Black pretty well by now. And she knew that once he got an idea into his head, nothing would be able to shake it out of him.

XXX

"Can I help?"

Severus sighed, attempting to reign in his impatience, and glanced at the young boy who was staring up at him, eyes wide and eager. How had he gotten himself into this? Where was Regulus?

Malachi Black was one of the few children Severus could actually stand. He was quiet. He liked that. And he was always willing to be of assistance. He supposed that was something he should be pleased with as well; however there were very few things that a child could help with when it came to potion making.

He glanced at the timepiece on the wall; he had sent an owl to Regulus almost an hour ago, when Evelyn had shown up on the doorstep declaring that Regulus had promised to take him that afternoon. Neither of the two of them were surprised that Regulus had forgotten. Or perhaps simply decided not to show up, Severus had mused silently.

"Cut up these. Thinly," Severus did two example cuts and handed the dandelion roots and a knife to the boy, "Do not cut yourself."

Malachi nodded, obediently, and took the items from him, quickly setting to work.

"Miss Quinn has been teaching me about plant roots," he stated, looking at him for approval before continuing, "Mummy grows them, you know."

"Yes, I know," Severus glanced over at him, softening his tone somewhat when he reminded himself that this was his Godson, not one of his idiotic students, "Your mother provide me with those."

"Dad wants her to come and work with you and him."

"Yes. Your mother is an excellent herbologist."

"She grows plants; is that what a her-herbologist," he stumbled slightly over the word, "does?"

"Not exactly," Severus shook his head, though didn't elaborate further. He needed to concentrate.

That thought had barely left his mind when he heard the door to his house open and the sound of running feet coming towards the room. He frowned, very aware of them to be the sound of a child, and was only mildly surprised when Draco Malfoy appeared at the door.

Draco smiled brightly at the other boy in the room, "Hi Malachi!"

"Hi Draco," Malachi smiled back, shyly, before he proceeded to cut up the roots he had been given. Draco confidently walked over, standing beside the younger boy, looking up at Severus as if he expected him to provide _him _was a knife and some ingredients to cut up.

Severus rolled his eyes, suddenly feeling incredibly irritated; what was _this_? When had his home become the local haunt for the children of his friends?

"Lucius?" he called out, his tone snappier than he had planned; but he supposed it worked.

A moment later, Lucius strode unabashedly into the room, "Severus, I have been meaning to speak with you," he stated, without so much as a courtesy apology for imposing on his free time. He eyed Malachi for a moment, before continuing, "Where is Regulus?"

"Do you think his child would be here, if I knew?"

Lucius grinned with obvious amusement, before speaking directly to his son, "Draco; take Mr Black and show him your new book."

Draco nodded, before looking at Malachi expectantly and walking from the room. Malachi glanced curiously at Severus, only following the other boy at his nod. Lucius flicked his wand, almost clipping the boy's heels as he closed the door behind him.

"Why is Draco with you?"

"He insisted he come along. His mother is currently occupied with preparations for the Yuletide Gala," he ended on a derisive note, before continuing more seriously, "Are you expecting Regulus shortly?"

"He shouldn't be long," Severus stated, as he continued to manoeuvre around his cauldron.

"Then I shan't be long," Lucius carried on, brusquely, "I have looked into your concerns regarding the Dark Lord."

Severus looked up sharply.

"As far as my sources are aware, there has been no definite change in his circumstances," he went on, "There is nothing to concern ourselves with, as yet."

"Are you certain?" Severus looked at him, carefully, "I have heard differently."

"I suppose it is possible that my sources have given me false information," Lucius stated, though Severus felt himself becoming more reassured by his friend's confidence, beginning to relax somewhat, "It is much more likely you have heard wrongly, Severus. Has your mark returned?"

Severus hand went unconsciously to his arm as he frowned, "No."

"Nor has mine," Lucius stated, "When it returns; then, we will have reason to worry."

"You expected it to return?"

"No. You do."

Severus averted his eyes. Yes, he did. But Lucius was not aware of what Regulus had discovered and what they both now knew. Perhaps if he told him, he may be more thorough in his investigation of the Dark Lord's return? Severus glanced at him, considering it for a moment, and then dismissed it. Dumbledore, and Regulus too, probably, would be furious if he revealed the secret.

"How is Regulus?"

"Fine."

"I heard about the attempt on his life."

"It won't happen again," Severus stated with certainty, feeling himself become angry as he was reminded of the events that had taken place earlier that week. He had been unable to fully investigate the wine that had been sent, due to time restrictions on the Dorado project and a more intensive week at Hogwarts. And, as far as he knew, Andromeda had been unable to successfully determine any possible culprits, instead opting to heighten security measures at the Foundation.

"I doubt that."

"Do you know something about it?" Severus asked, sharply.

"Of course not. However it would be foolish to assume he will not be targeted again. This was a very precise attempt; meant only for him."

"We all have enemies."

"Very true, Severus," Lucius nodded, before flicking his wand and opening the door to the living room, where the boys were sitting on the floor with a book between them, "Draco, prepare your things. We're leaving."

Lucius turned his attention back to Severus, his voice low, "I did discover something during my investigation that may be of interest to you."

Severus raised an eyebrow, questioningly.

"Peter Pettigrew escaped from Azkaban this morning."

Severus' brow lowered at the statement; he felt his stomach clench as he was reminded of the traitorous little rat whose betrayal would have cost Lily's life, had the Dark Lord gone after them.

"How is that possible?" Severus almost spat, receiving a curious raise of the eyebrow from his friend. Severus quickly composed himself, saying, "No one has ever managed to escape. Surely he would have been stopped by the dementors."

"Apparently not. It is not common knowledge yet, but the Ministry will not be able to conceal it for ong," Lucius regarded him curiously for a moment before he smiled, "Do with that information what you will," he said, with an obvious ribbing at his work for Dumbledore, and motioned with a nod at his son to leave.

XXX

Burning hatred was building up inside her.

Her knuckles were almost white as she clutched the Daily Prophet in her hand, her eyes almost frozen on the headline:

Escape From Azkaban  
Peter Pettigrew At Large

It had taken several days after Peter's betrayal for the gravity of what he had done to sink in. That he had betrayed them and then, just as unforgivably, had attempted to frame Sirius for what had happened. Prior to that, all she had been able to think of was James and his recovery.

But now, _now, _she knew exactly what he had done. And there was no one, other than You-Know-Who himself, that she despised more in the world. He was the one who had turned them against Remus; he was the one who then turned them over to be massacred. And even now, they were still trying to put back together the ruins of the betrayal.

Peter Pettigrew had destroyed them; had blown them apart.

Lily glanced over at Sirius with concern. He had been quiet even since their conversation the day before, and even Harry had mentioned to her that his Uncle Sirius had seemed upset when he had taken him to the park that day. And then mentioned that he had been upset since he had had a fight with his Uncle Remus earlier that week.

Lily had had to shake herself at the information, surprised that she had managed to miss out on an event big enough that her own son had seemed troubled by it, and decided that she would go and speak to Remus about it today.

Today was her complete break from the project, having managed to do all the reading in advance so that she could spend most of the day with Harry; as such, she had overslept, only to be woken when Sirius had burst into the room, clutching the offensive newspaper, his face a picture of complete rage.

Since then, however, he had settled into a picture of quiet, simmering fury, which she found much more disconcerting than the raging, blindly furious man from earlier that day. She hadn't bothered attempting to calm him down; being too concerned with the article to pay much attention to his reaction.

"They'll find him. He can't hide," Remus said in an enviably calm voice, having appeared at the house not long after she had read the article. Sirius had greeted him coldly, but allowed him entrance all the same, as Harry had eagerly greeted him.

"Who?" Harry asked, innocently, but they took no notice of the boy's question.

"We should look for him."

Lily looked at Sirius, sharply, "No."

"He belongs in Azkaban"

"And you'll just quietly hand him back over to the aurors, will you?"

"Shut up, Remus."

"I'd really rather we not involve ourselves in this," Lily glanced meaningfully in Harry's direction, "We don't want him to retaliate."

"That's brave," Sirius looked at her, witheringly.

"I mean it, Sirius," she snapped, "Look what happened the last time you went after him."

"I was just fine."

"And the muggles?" she raised an eyebrow, "The only reason he left you alive was because he hoped to frame you; he could have killed you –"

Sirius scoffed, "Sure he could have."

Harry was suddenly tugging at Sirius sleeve, his eyes full of concern, "Does someone want to hurt you?"

Sirius smiled reassuringly, ruffled his hair and pulled him into a one-armed hug, "No, Harry. I'll be fine. We'll all be fine."

"I don't want you to go to heaven."

"Don't worry, I won't," Sirius kept his arm around him, meeting Lily's eyes. He looked apologetic for a moment when their eyes met and an understanding seemed to pass between them. He would leave it alone. At least for now.

But Lily's didn't miss the dark look in his eyes when he looked away from her, back at the moving photograph of Peter on the front of the newspaper.

And, not for the first time in recent weeks, she saw the flashes of Sirius Black, Marauder. The boy she had known at Hogwarts. And she knew well enough that that boy would never let Peter get away with what he had done to them. That he was lurking there, right below the surface; and that he could only be suppressed so far.

Lily swallowed, completely aware of the fact that their relatively peaceful life could very easily be blown apart once again. That it was very likely to happen. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.


	12. November 1986: Let Me In Or Let Me Out

Chapter Eleven

There was no change in his expression as she sat down on the bed next to him.

No recognition. There never was.

Sirius had seen to it that he was given his own room; a view out over the courtyard in the middle of the building, where children played and patients went for their short, daily walks. Various moving pictures were hung around the room; pictures of them; James, Lily, Harry, Sirius, Remus. Rich, velveteen curtains framed the windows; red with gold trim. A Quidditch Trophy and an ornamental Snitch sat on a shelf that Sirius had installed. A music player played quiet music in the corner.

She wondered if he could see it all. See what Sirius had done for him.

Sometimes she couldn't help wondering; was he even there at all? A prisoner inside his own body? Or was it like Sirius had said? Had they lost him completely?

Sirius came to see James often; at least once a week. Why would he do that if he thought James was gone?

She drew in a shaky breath and reached for her husband's hand, squeezing it gently; "Hello," Lily's voice was almost a whisper. She rarely came here. But she couldn't avoid it; not today. 7th November 1981; five years ago today. No matter how much she missed him, these visits only seemed to make it worse.

She released his hand, having only held it a few moments, and then pulled out a piece of folded card; a muggle item. Before looking back to him, continuing quietly, "It's Harry's report card. He's doing really well at school. Above average in class, the report says. Really good at the history projects; he's interested in all that stuff. Think he'll be taking History of Magic once he gets to Hogwarts; I know, I couldn't quite believe it myself, considering our less than sparkling performance in the subject. But don't fret, he's still flying around on a broomstick whenever he has the chance, so no doubt he'll follow your footsteps and join the Quidditch team the first chance he gets."

She had to stop and remind herself to breath. She was babbling. He would be laughing at her now, if he could.

She wondered if she should mention Peter, then thought better of it. If he could hear her it would only distress him; if he couldn't then why verbalise anything to do with him. This was hard enough; best keep it to the things they cared about; the people they loved.

"Sirius has been distant lately; have you noticed?" she asked, as if they were having a conversation, and took his hand again, "I'm worried about him. Remus too. Things have gotten bad between them. Harry told me that, can you believe it? He's smart, James. Really smart. Can't get anything by him."

She hesitated, looking into his eyes, which refused to focus on her, "Do you want to see him?" she was back to whispering, her tone uncertain as she asked the question.

She looked down at their hands; his limp in hers, and noticed that both her hands were trembling, her heart beating fast. Her throat hurt, as if a rock was lodged in the back of it, and she almost couldn't swallow the feeling down. She could never get used to this. This feeling of hopeless, despair whenever she saw him. Was this how Harry would feel like if she brought him here? Would he feel the same pain?

She released an unsteady breath and reached over to brush the hair back from James' face with a small, sad smile. The idea that James was watching her, that the answer was '_yes' _and that he was desperate to see his son, the son whom he hadn't seen in five years, made it almost difficult to breathe. As much pain as James may be in not seeing him; she couldn't risk putting Harry through the pain she felt whenever she came here.

James would understand. They couldn't be selfish. They couldn't put him through that.

XXX

What with the reappearance of Lily Potter in his life, the attempt on Regulus' life and Peter Pettigrew's recent escape from Azkaban heavy on his mind, Severus was in no mood for the fundraising event that had been organised for that month.

As a shareholder, it was compulsory that he attend. And, even as an employee, it would be frowned upon if he were to be absent; this, he knew, was true of all the employees, and, with a quick glance around the room, confirmed that the majority of those that he worked with were there.

Sometimes it was horrendous plays put on by the Learning Centre; children attempting to sing while they pranced around a stage in brightly coloured costumes. Those were painful to endure.

This event was organised by Narcissa Malfoy; evident by the perfect decor, the hors d'oeuvres, the expensive champagne, the musicians and live singers. And all this was only a taste of what they would be facing the following month for the Yuletide Gala. He almost shuddered at the thought and quickly forced himself to be composed when he saw Eugene making his way towards him.

"Severus!" he greeted him, brightly, giving him a friendly slap on the back, "How are you this evening?"

"Very well, thank you. Yourself?"

"Excellent. Splendid. Lovely entertainment, wouldn't you say?" he glanced appreciatively at the lady who was signing on the stage.

Severus glanced at her briefly to humour him, giving him an amused grin in response. Eugene chuckled; "Ah, you pretend not to be affected. But you're only human, just like the rest of us."

"Perhaps you should reconsider that drink," Severus offered, as Eugene reached for another glass of champagne. The older man waved a dismissive hand;

"Do not 'rain on my parade', Severus," he grinned, widely, "It is very rare that my wife releases me for these events."

"Ah. Then Mrs Hopkins is not in attendance?" Severus asked with obvious amusement, noticing the man's eyes following a young lady who walked by them.

"That would be correct," his eyes brightened, "Ah, I see Mrs Potter is in attendance this evening."

Severus glanced in the direction his colleague had indicated, his eyes immediately finding her amongst the crowd. He uneasily glanced around the area that surrounded her, half expecting to see Remus Lupin or, worse, Sirius Black in attendance as her guest. She was talking animatedly with Andromeda Tonks, with a relaxedness about her expression that he had yet to see since they had started working together. Her hair was curled but hung loose around her shoulders; her dress was green and long, clinging in just the right places before hitting the floor.

He heard a low chuckle at his side and, upon snapping his attention back to Eugene, felt himself go hot with embarrassment and noted, with further horror, that the heat was creating a blush up his neck and cheeks.

"Ah, I see you are not quite as immune to feminine charms as you would like us to believe, hmm?" Eugene wiggled his eyebrows at him, playfully, "Heart is quite impressed with her."

"Is she?" Severus lifted his own drink to his lips.

"Indeed. Marvels at some of the information she comes out with; it's almost as if someone is handing her a script with all the material she needs to know," Eugene was grinning and eyeing him as he said it.

Severus avoided the look, noticing Regulus had come in the room, and attempted to catch his attention before he was whisked away by Narcissa Malfoy. He risked a glance at Eugene, "It is good that she is settling in well. Like I said, she was an exceptional student. I foresaw no problems bringing her onto the project."

"As always, you have proven yourself to be an excellent judge of character," Eugene's expression brightened in a way that suggested he had seen someone else he wished to speak with, "Oh look, there's Dana Wishbone."

Severus had to force himself not to duck behind the nearest ficus tree display.

"Come," Eugene attempted to take his arm but Severus quickly pulled himself free.

"Go ahead, Eugene. I am enjoying the performance," he made a bigger show than necessary of turning his attention to the stage.

Eugene chuckled knowingly but left him, nonetheless. Left alone, he allowed himself a furtive glance back in Lily's direction. She was now joined by Felix Butterman and was being introduced to Quinton Gold; a womaniser if there ever was one.

"Severus?"

He turned, smiling immediately upon seeing who had approached, "Evelyn. This is a surprise." Noticing that her hands were empty he indicated for one of the waiting staff to approach and then took a glass, hanging it to her.

She smiled, appreciatively, taking the glass from him, "Thank you. Narcissa invited me; this is one of the few ways I find myself in Regulus' company. I needed to speak with him about Malachi."

"Ah," Severus nodded, but said no more; he had made it very clear to his friend that he didn't agree with the way he distanced himself from his family, however he knew better than to get into discussion about it outside the privacy of their own conversation.

To his annoyance he saw Sebastian Wyler making his way towards them; he always appeared to follow Evelyn around like a bad smell whenever she attended any of these functions. Pretending not to notice his approach, Severus offered her his arm; "I believe I saw Regulus a moment ago." She took his arm, though sent an apologetic smile Wyler's way, and allowed him to lead her in the direction he had seen Narcissa take Regulus.

XXX

Sirius could feel himself starting to drift off as he leaned back on the park bench he was sitting on, watching as Harry flew around the open area on the new child's broom he had given him that day; he supposed the little boy didn't really know the importance of the day, nor did he have it in him to sit and explain it to him, so he had simply allowed Harry to think the gift was given without any occasion in mind. It didn't really matter, though, did it? After all, he was a six year old boy and a present was a present.

"That's too high, Harry," he called across the opening and the boy obediently manoeuvred himself so he was closer to the ground.

Sirius smiled and allowed himself to relax further. He hadn't slept much the past few days, Wormtail's escape from Azkaban heavy on his mind. _Just let it go, _he kept trying to tell himself. But he knew he couldn't. How could he? And that he had escaped so close to the anniversary of what had happened made it all the worse.

Something caught his attention out the corner of his eye. He glanced around with a frown, his eyes quickly scanning the bushes marking the end of the clearing. For a second he thought he was seeing things and almost shook himself however, as he started to turn his attention back to Harry, he saw it again. He frowned, looking more closely and then, a cold realisation washing over him, he realised what it was he was looking at; a rat.

He was on his feet and after it in an instant. The rat only stared at him a moment, completely unabashedly, before it turned and began scurrying away. Sirius increased his speed, but it wasn't enough, and so he allowed himself to fall to his knees as he let his own transformation take over him. It wasted time, but only a little, and before long he was chasing after him, hot on his heels.

It didn't take long before he had the rat in his mouth and flung it into the corner of a nearby fence. He quickly transformed back, cornering Pettigrew within mere seconds. The rat lay weakly at the fence and he frowned, leaning in closer, before he gave an exasperated groan.

It was just a rat!

Feeling incredibly stupid, he hurried back to where his clothing lay discarded in the middle of the grass and quickly pulled them back on, tucking his wand away. He glanced over in the direction of the park and frowned, no longer seeing Harry flying around the opening. Feeling a strange, sickening sense of dread he broke into a run.

"Harry?" he called out, glancing around the skies, "Harry?" he called out more desperately and then he heard a soft whimper from beyond the bushes. He hurried around and felt his heart drop at the sight of his godson lying in a heap on the grass, blood spilling, covering one side of his face, from a gash at the side of his head.

"Harry!" he hurried over and fell to his knees next to him, gathering him up in his arms, "No. No; no! Harry? Harry, talk to me!" He quickly pressed a handkerchief to the boy's bleeding temple. Harry whimpered, opening his eyes, and looked at him tearfully.

"It's okay," Sirius whispered, standing with him still in his arms, "You're going to be fine."

XXX

Lily finally managed to disengage from the company of her work colleagues and stepped outside into the night. There were a few people crowded in various groups out on the patio but she wasn't in the mood for further small talk and walked down the few steps that led to the garden, beyond which the entrance to the Foundation's maze was situated, looking particularly inviting. She glanced over her shoulder at the party that was still in full swing, before she continued on her way down the path; keen for some solitude.

She avoided the eyes of a couple that emerged from the entrance, looking particularly dishevelled and incredibly guilty, and she noticed that the man in question was Conan Chesney, the other fellow on the Dorado project, and the woman was someone from the Outreach Department; she wasn't sure of her name, but she was certain that she had seen her with her husband earlier on that evening at the party.

As she stepped through the open, wooden door, she was pleased to see that the maze was empty. Though she supposed she wasn't surprised, considering what its recent occupiers had been up to. She took the first left, allowing herself to walk wherever her feet happened to take her, another right, the next left.

She sighed, allowing herself to take in the beauty of the surroundings; even the greenery of the maze itself hadn't been enough for the Foundation; there were floral displays, stone benches, water features and statues dotted around various key points of the structure.

She took the next right and then stopped, her eyes immediately landing on someone who was sitting down on one of the benches, his back to her. He moved slightly and she immediately recognised the person to be Severus Snape. She hesitated, uncertain if she should try to sneak away, however as she thought it, she moved and her feet scuffed against a statue to her left; Severus was on his feet and had spun around to face her, his hand immediately going to his wand.

The two of them stood there, staring at one another for a moment, an incredibly awkward silence, that one seemed to increase in discomfort, as the silence dragged on. She must have taken seven turns on the way into this place; how had she managed to take the exact route that would lead her to him?

Severus recovered first, the hand that had been reaching for his wand relaxing and dropping to his side, "Mrs Potter."

"Professor Snape," she nodded politely, moving to stand more comfortably, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude –"

"You're not intruding; the maze is open to everyone," his expression was almost warm when he spoke, before he indicated the bench. She hesitated a moment before accepting the invitation, making her way over and sitting down. He sat next to her and she thought she could feel his eyes on her, however, when she turned her head to look at him, his attention was fully on the water feature ahead.

"It's a beautiful place," Lily remarked, a bit unsure as of what to say, but the four glasses of champagne she had had appeared to have a calming effect on her and she found she wasn't quite as uncomfortable as she had been during their previous conversations.

"Well, it was designed and decorated by Blacks, so," Severus shrugged.

Lily smiled and nodded, as the two settled into silence once again. They had been working together for over a month now and, despite the occasional conversation, there was still a suppressive feeling of awkwardness whenever they spoke to one another; as if neither of them knew what the correct protocol was for best-friends-turned-adversary-turned-colleague. Although she supposed adversary wasn't exactly a true reflection of what they had become; and strangers was even less so.

"How are you enjoying the project?" Severus surprised her by being the first to break the silence.

"Very well," she felt fairly comfortable talking about work with him, "Thank you for all the research you provided me with. It was very helpful."

"No trouble," he almost mumbled.

"It's a pretty amazing, what Regulus Black has done here," Lily stated, feeling emboldened by the alcohol she had consumed, and at Severus' glance she smiled and went on, "I mean, the Foundation. I know it's helped a lot of people."

"He'd be glad to hear that."

"Makes sense," she shrugged, that was the point of the Foundation, she supposed, "You're very involved as well, aren't you?"

Severus only nodded and he seemed to want to say something but didn't and continued to avoid her eyes.

"How do you manage it? Deputy Head of Research, Potions Professor at Hogwarts," she realised she was beginning to ramble and forced herself to have a bit more control over what she was saying.

"Keeps me busy," Severus stated, and she was mildly surprised he had dignified her idiocy with a response, "I have no family to be concerned with."

Lily felt herself sober a bit at the statement and she wondered if that was something she should apologise for. With a careful glance at him she quickly determined that he didn't appear saddened, nor bothered at all, by the declaration. But she still had a strong, unwavering urge to apologise and so she did;

"I'm sorry."

The two of them sat silent, neither moving for a moment. And then Severus turned to look at her, his face almost impassive with the exception of a small furrow in his brow that indicated bewilderment, "Sorry? For what?"

Lily hesitated and wondered what she was sorry for. For a moment she couldn't think of anything; and then, suddenly, she was thinking of _everything. _Memories from years ago; from when she was a child; before all this, before Harry, before You-Know-Who, before James. Back to when it was just the two of them; she and Severus. The fights, God, they had such awful fights sometimes. She remembered them well; those fights about Slytherin, Gryffindor, his friends, her friends, politics, blood purity.

"_I can't pretend anymore. You've chosen your way. I've chosen mine."_

Lily almost cringed as the memory of what she had said came back to her; had she really said that? It sounded so juvenile; so self-righteous. But that was so long ago; did he even remember that? Maybe he didn't, but that's what the apology was for right?

"For..." she hesitated, glancing at him, "For judging you."

Severus held her look, not seeming to react to the statement, leaving her to wonder if he understood what she was talking about.

"Back when," she waved a hand, and he nodded, getting the idea, "I said some things; the night we stopped talking? They weren't true. So, I'm sorry."

Severus seemed to think about that for a moment and she thought she caught a flash of something in his eyes; was it guilt? Shame? But he looked away and shook his head, "That was a long time ago."

"I know. But, still..."

"Better to leave the past in the past."

"Maybe. I just wanted you to know."

The two of them sat in silence, though it lacked the awkwardness that had been present before, as each of them thought on what she had just said. After a few moments, he spoke again;

"I said things that day; things I'm sorry for also."

"It's okay."

"No. It's not. It was wrong."

Lily hesitated, not really sure how to counter the statement. She allowed herself to look at him more fully, while he continued to avoid looking directly at her; but then, he raised his eyes to hers with a look so familiar to when they were young that it startled her. And then she said, completely certain;

"You didn't mean it. So really, it _is_ okay. I forgive you."

"Well I'm honoured, Mrs Potter," there was a hint of teasing in his voice as he looked away from her again. She blushed at her own audacity for thinking that Severus Snape, the practically famous and renowned Potions Master, would even care if she forgave him or not, so attempted to direct the conversation elsewhere.

"You know, you don't have to call me that," she said, without really thinking. And, from the way he seemed to tense, she realised that she had just opened the door to a potentially sore topic of conversation.

He seemed to think on his response for a moment, before he finally said, "That's your name isn't it? Potter." There was no malice in his tone; in fact, there was no emotion whatsoever in the way he said it.

She swallowed, not entirely comfortable with the fact that she'd just put herself in a position where she may end up having to defend her choice of husband. She went in a different direction, hoping he would follow; "I'm still just Lily."

He looked at her, as if wanting to check it were true. She gave an almost imperceptive shrug and smiled, which she felt widen when he smiled in return.

"Perhaps we should just address the proverbial hippogriff in the room," she said, feeling braver following his encouraging smile; "I mean, it's been a month, and it's still pretty awkward isn't it?"

"What?"

"This," she motioned her hand between them, "You and me. It's awkward."

"I am sorry you feel that way."

"Oh, please," she almost laughed, "Really, you're saying you don't feel awkward at all?"

"That is correct. Why would I feel awkward?"

"Oh, you _know _why," she rolled her eyes and she thought she could see his lips twitch; "We have to work together, don't you think we should talk about it?"

"Some things never change."

"Huh?"

"Talk. Talk. Talk," he glanced at her, a teasing look in his expression, "You always wanted to talk about everything; everything and anything. Why not just let things be?"

"Really? 'Let things be', that's your answer?"

"Answer to what?"

"You're right, some things don't change. You're still as frustrating as ever."

"How much have you had to drink?"

Lily puffed out in mock offence, "Not enough to affect my faculties, thanks very much, Professor."

He smiled at that, looking over at her. He seemed to think for a moment before he spoke; "You know you don't have to call me that. I'm still just Severus," he repeated what she had said before. She froze for a moment, holding his gaze, the warmth in his eyes as he regarded her seeming to transfer over to her, and she felt herself warm inside at the tentative acceptance of a friendship. She offered him another smile and a nod.

He glanced at his timepiece and she noticed it was almost eleven. She had told Sirius she would be home by eleven thirty. She stood, brushing down her dress, "I had better get back to the party. I brought a friend with me, she'll be wondering where I am."

Severus also stood, more slowly, "And your friend won't mind that you left her for such a long period?"

"Julia?" Lily chuckled, easily picturing her in the middle of a large group, telling jokes, stories, the life and soul of the party, "Highly unlikely." She glanced around, uncertainly, "Perhaps you could point me in the right direction?"

"This is a maze," he was regarding her with obvious amusement, "The point is to get lost; and then find the way out."

She raised an eyebrow, "You seem very confident. Have you ever walked this maze before?"

"Of course."

"So...you know the way out?"

"I do."

Lily laughed at the grin he could barely conceal, "Well then, are you going to tell me?"

"No," he strode past her, making his way, what appeared to be, deeper into the maze. She frowned, hesitating for a moment, before she hurried after him.

"You know I could just follow you until you lead me out."

"What makes you think I'm leaving?"

"Aren't you?"

"You will never know."

"You are," she said, rolling her eyes, her tone certain, before she spoke a playful warning, "I'm just going to keep following you, Severus!"

"You do that."

There was a playfulness in his tone she hadn't heard in years; a playfulness she had almost forgotten he had, because he had seemed to lose it for a while in the last couple of years of their friendship. And as he quickened his pace, teasingly, and she struggled to hurry after him, she found herself laughing and was certain she could hear a low laugh coming from him, as they manoeuvred their way through the greenery, the statues and the flowers. And, for a moment, she felt like she was twelve years old again, chasing her best friend through the fields.


	13. November 1986: A House Divided

Chapter Twelve

Severus couldn't help the huge grin that he thought was going to split his face in two as they approached, what he knew to be, the final branch of the maze and found that he really had no desire whatsoever to head back out there; back out to the real world, not when he'd just spent the past twenty minutes having the most fun that he had had in years. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had enjoyed himself so much; he was certain he had never grinned quite so idiotically as he was right now.

He hesitated, getting an idea, and then looked over his shoulder. He frowned, turning fully when he realised she was no longer behind him. He hesitated, before taking a few steps back the way he had come, "Lily?"

"Boo!" suddenly her face was centimetres from his, her hands on his arms to steady herself, having just jumped out from behind one of the statues in an attempt to startle him. And startled he was, from he had jumped back and almost lost his balance at her action, though more due to her proximity than the act itself.

She grinned widely, obviously pleased with herself, and side stepped him, making her way towards the exit with a giggle. He drew in a deep, silent breath, attempting to steady his breathing and ignore the thumping of his heart in his chest. Had she felt it? He shook the idea away; of course not. They had touched for mere seconds.

"Which way?" she had come to the final fork in the road, so to speak, and was only seconds from finding herself back outside in the Foundation gardens.

Severus hesitated, then grinned, shrugging, "Your turn."

She rolled her eyes, "Seriously? You take me this far, then stop at the last possible moment?"

"The last possible moment? For all you know these routes could take us back to the centre."

"We've been going around in circles for almost half an hour, how long could the maze possibly be?"

"That's something to take up with the Founder, I'm afraid. Perhaps I can arrange a meeting for you?"

"Let's go left," she had turned, choosing, to Severus' disappointment, the correct route to the exit and a few moments later they found themselves stepping out of the structure back into the gardens. Severus felt himself redden when he noticed some heads turn in their direction curiously though, after a little scrutiny, they appeared to have passed the 'test of decency' and the attention they had received was gone.

Severus started to speak however, before he had the chance, a concerned voice rang out.

"Lily!"

They both turned sharply in the direction of the voice and Severus felt his joy die away at the sight of Remus Lupin hurrying towards them, a woman he didn't recognise at his side.

"Remus?" Lily was frowning as she stepped towards him, "What are you doing here?"

The wolf looked like he was trying to calm himself down before he spoke, glancing in Severus' direction for a moment with obvious curiosity, before turning his attention back to Lily, "Nothing to worry about. It's just Harry –"

"Harry?" the little bit of joy that had been left in her expression vanished, to be replaced by a look of panic that Severus recognised to be typical of a mother fearing for the safety of her child, "What is it? Is he okay?"

"Yes, he's fine, but there was an accident –"

Lily hadn't waited to hear the rest, and was suddenly running towards the gates of the garden, with the clear intention of hurrying to her son's side.

Severus watched after her for a moment, before he felt himself being watched and turned to find the werewolf's eyes on him. Severus returned his glare, not quite a scowl but definitely not friendly, before he walked by him and made his way back to the party. He heard the woman saying something to her companion, before they followed in the direction Lily had taken.

"Professor Snape," a house elf popped up suddenly at his feet, and Severus mused that the creature was lucky not to be trampled on.

"Yes, Ayra?" he glanced down at the elf.

"Mr Black says you must immediately apparate home."

Severus frowned, "Home?"

"It is very important."

Severus nodded, stepping by the elf, "Thank you, Ayra." He was frowning in bewilderment as he began making his way back down the gardens, towards the gate that Lily had just run to before, wondering what on earth Regulus would want him to return home for. The party wasn't due to end for another couple of hours; as far as he knew Regulus was always the last to leave these events.

It did not take long for him to receive the answers to his questions; for, upon aparating back to Grecian Clay where they resided, he was met with the sight, not of his home, but a large mound of charcoaled, smouldering rubble in the place where it should have been.

XXX

Sirius stared at the picture of himself and Harry hanging on the wall, as he lay on Harry's bed, the boy cuddled up into his chest, sleeping soundly. He released a trembling breath, feeling guiltier than he ever had done in his life. Harry was fine, the Healer had said; just a broken arm and a mild concussion and had quickly corrected the broken arm and given him a potion to drink for his head.

_Just a broken arm. Just a mild concussion._

Sirius dreaded facing Lily with the news. He had taken the boy out flying and he had crashed head first into the ground! It could have been so much worse. Sirius shook his head in disgust with himself; what had he been thinking? Running off like that. Anything could have happened!

He pressed a gentle kiss to Harry's head, closing his eyes against the numerous dreadful scenarios that passed through his mind.

He heard the door to the house open and slam, before he heard the sound of frantic footsteps coming up the stairs. He drew in a deep, calming breath, preparing himself for the dispute that he knew was to come. The door to Harry's room opened, jolting the boy from his slumber, and Lily stood there, staring at them both for a moment and Sirius could see the terror in her expression slowly slip away and she hurried over, sitting on the bed.

Harry shifted in his arms, sitting up, "Mum."

"Are you okay?" she took his face in her hands, speaking with a softness that didn't match the franticness in her eyes, as she quickly glanced over her son.

Harry nodded and Sirius released him from his hold and pushed himself up to sit on the bed more comfortably.

"Does it hurt anywhere?" Lily's hands were running up his arms, as if feeling for the broken bone that had been there before.

"No," Harry shook his head, "Uncle Sirius took me to hospital; the Healers said I was fine."

Sirius caught a brief flash in Lily's eyes as she glanced in his direction, but she kept her expression soft and smiled when she looked back at Harry; "What happened, sweetheart? Do you remember?"

Harry nodded, glancing at Sirius for approval. Sirius forced himself to smile reassuringly at the boy, though he had the distinct impression that whatever he was going to say would not be to his advantage.

"I was flying on my new broom," Harry said, speaking with a thoughtful tone, "And then I saw Uncle Sirius run away. So I tried to turn around, but my broom hit one of the posts," he shrugged, innocently, "And then I fell."

Lily raised her eyes to him, her brow furrowing slightly, "What do you mean Uncle Sirius ran away?"

Harry shrugged, looking over at his Godfather with as much bafflement as his mother. Sirius rubbed the boy's arm, avoiding Lily's eyes and changing the subject; "The Healer said he would be fine. But he can't ride his broom for four weeks; and we have to make sure he doesn't bump his head again. Mild concussion. He gave him a potion for it."

"I broke my arm too, Mum," Harry announced proudly, and Sirius wished the ground would swallow him whole at the look of horror on Lily's face. The boy, oblivious, held up his right arm, "But they fixed it, see."

"How long has he been sleeping?" Lily rubbed the arm Harry had held out to her, looking directly at Sirius, "You know –"

Sirius nodded and quickly interrupted, "I've been waking him every hour. But he's better. He's fine. Really."

Lily gave him a look that seemed to say '_who are you trying to convince?' _But never said anything further, instead turning her attention back to her son. She pulled him into a hug, pressing her lips to his head, and Sirius thought he saw a tear slip down her cheek before she buried her face into in hair.

"Are you sure you feel alright, sweetheart?"

"Uh huh. I'm fine," Harry reached for his robes that were flung over the chair next to the bed, pulling out a chocolate frog wrapper, "Look, the Healer gave me this. And look!" he grinned at her brightly, holding up the card that had been inside, "It's Merlin!"

Lily smiled and nodded, and Sirius half expected that she was going to burst into tears from the look on her face. But instead she took a deep breath, giving her son another quick hug, "Alright. Well, you better get back to sleep."

"Uncle Remus was here," Harry said, in an obvious attempt to delay being sent back to sleep.

"Yes, I know. I saw him."

"Is he still here?"

"No, he's gone home. But he's coming to see you tomorrow."

Harry smiled brightly at that, before looking back down at his Chocolate Frog Card. Lily smiled and reached over, placing her index finger under his chin and gently turning his face to look at her. Harry grinned at her hopefully, then rolled his eyes when she said, "Bed."

And then she stood and looked in Sirius' direction; all the warmth that had been present when she had looked at her soon gone; and she held that look for a moment, making it clear that there was more to come. Sirius swallowed and reached over, ruffling Harry's hair, "Sleep well, little man."

He swung his feet over the side of the bed and stood up, as Lily pulled the covers out from underneath Harry and tucked them up around him. She kissed him again on the forehead; "You come and wake me if you need me, okay?"

Harry's eyes seemed to gleam mischievously at that but Lily took no notice, giving him a loving smile, before she turned and headed out the room. Harry blew Sirius a kiss as he walked by, which his Godfather pretended to catch, and, with a forced grin, he forced himself to follow Lily and closed the door.

She didn't say anything at first, as they walked down the stairs, the silence almost deafening as they made their way through the living room and into the kitchen. He stopped just as he got through the door, waiting expectantly. The two of them stood like that a moment, him behind her, she not facing him.

And then she turned and he almost flinched at the look of fury in her eyes and, for a moment, truly thought that she was going to slap him. Instead she flicked her wand and the door behind him closed. Her voice was low when she spoke;

"Uncle Sirius ran away?"

XXX

Harry didn't like it when they fought.

But he was never surprised when they did.

He could tell when they were in the room that they were going to fight. They had that look. That look they always had before they sent him to his room; it never took long after that for them to start shouting. And, sure enough, he heard the familiar rumbling of angry voices downstairs. They weren't shouting yet; but it wouldn't take long.

Harry drew in a sad, shaky breath, reaching up to touch where he had hit his head before. He winced at the tenderness he felt but, upon glancing in his reflection in the mirror on the wall, could see no mark when he had fallen. He lifted his arm to look at, once again filled with wonder at how quickly and easily they had fixed it; and how quickly the pain had disappeared once he did.

He thought his Uncle Sirius was going to cry when he was standing there, watching the Healers rushing about him. He had never seen him cry before; and he had felt incredibly guilty when he realised that he was the reason his uncle was upset. But he hadn't let Harry apologise, insisting that _he _was the one that was sorry and that he'd never let him get hurt again.

He heard the voices grow louder below him and he pushed himself into a seated position, as a worrying thought came to mind; were they arguing over him?

His Uncle Sirius had been upset earlier; had almost cried because of him. And his mum looked like she was going to cry as well when she had come to see him. Harry swallowed down the lump that has risen in his throat and suddenly felt uneasy, like he wanted to cry as well. But he was too old for that, he quickly reminded himself, pushing away the upset he felt. He would just go downstairs and tell them he was sorry; they didn't need to fight.

He threw the covers off of himself and climbed out of bed, quietly making his way from the room, towards the stairs. He could almost hear them, able to pick out little bits of what they were saying and then he stopped, because they sounded so much angrier than he expected, and sat down on the stairs, listening to them.

"Six years old...could have been killed..."

"...flown on a broom plenty times..."

"...watching him!..."

So they _were _arguing about him. He swallowed, feeling guiltier, as he realised that his mum was very, very angry at his Godfather; and he was the reason for it.

"...only reason...never happened to you...you're never here..."

"Fuck you!"

Harry jumped, his mother's voice sounding particularly furious, higher than he was used to. He felt himself shaking and drew his knees to his chest, looping his arms around his legs in a tight hug. He wished his Uncle Remus was there; he could always stop them fighting.

"...supposed to be taking care of him..."

"..some responsibility...always leaving him with me..."

"...you said you wanted...now such a burden..."

Harry frowned, leaning fully against the banister to try and hear more clearly.

"...for days...Peter...need to stop obsessing..."

"...look who's talking...your son...should take more responsibility..."

"...doing my best..."

"...trying so hard to give him a father...can't even give him a mother!"

Suddenly they went quiet. And Harry frowned, straining to hear them. He tentatively stood and made his way down the stairs; quietly as possible he made his way across the living room towards the kitchen door. And then he could hear his mum crying, saying something he couldn't make out.

"...Lily, I'm sorry..."

"...should leave..."

"...no...don't need to..."

"...not working...fighting too much..."

Harry frowned, his heart sinking, and hurried forward, as quietly as possible, leaning his ear against the door.

"...think it would be best. Harry and I have been living here too long. You said he was getting confused," his mum sounded horrible, like she couldn't breathe from crying.

"That doesn't mean I want you to leave. We can work past this. Explain to him –"

"What for? I mean, look at us, Sirius, we fight constantly. What if he can hear us?"

"He can't. Look, Lil' –"

Harry backed away from the door, suddenly certain that he_ was _going to cry. His mum was going to take him away! It was just like Ron had said. He turned and hurried away from the door, trying to keep as quiet as possible. He had to see his Uncle Remus. He had promised him he wouldn't let his mum take him away. He reached the door and tugged on the handle, relieved to see they hadn't yet put the wards on for the night, and hurried out into the darkness.

XXX

Severus threw himself down onto his single bed in his chambers at Hogwarts, noting with irritation that he would be subjected to the place for the foreseeable future. At least until the investigation into the destruction of his and Regulus' home was dealt with and they received the settlement for the damages.

_Damages!_

Absolute destruction was the more appropriate term.

All his books. His potions ingredients. His journal of new spells and potions!

And an investigation was hardly necessary. Both he and Regulus, and anyone aware of what had happened earlier that week when someone had attempted to poison the latter, knew that this was an act of vengeance. Severus felt his blood boil as he thought about it. Wasn't it enough that Regulus had devoted his life, every penny he owned, towards helping those who had suffered? The past couldn't be changed.

That was something he constantly reminded himself. That was what let him move on.

The past can't be changed.

But the future, that is what you make of it. And Regulus was trying. It infuriated him that someone was doing this to him; was trying to punish him for something he had taken responsibility for. For what he was repenting for.

And his books, his potions, his spells. All gone!

Severus shook his head, trying to focus on something else. It was done now, there was nothing that could be done to stop it.

He sighed, attempting to calm himself, and found his mind drifting back to earlier that evening, before all hell had broken loose.

He had been with Lily. He smiled at the memory; speaking to her, teasing her, her chasing him through the maze when he had teasingly quickened his pace. It had almost been like they were teenagers again. Perhaps even before that; when it was just the two of them. The fields, the river, the woods down by where they lived.

He tucked a hand behind his head, allowing himself to remember everything that had happened with her. The way she had grabbed his arms when she jumped out at him; the twinkle in her eyes; her breath in his face; the smell of her perfume.

Severus suddenly scoffed at himself, at the ridiculous thoughts he was having, and shook his head. What was the point of such frivolous thoughts? As far as he could tell, from the ring she still wore, she still considered herself a married woman; and that was only one of many obstacles, he might add.

He rolled his eyes at himself, flicked his wand to turn off the lights, and rolled over.

But as he lay there he couldn't help but smile. They were friends again.

Something had changed for the better.

XXX

Lily was sitting at the kitchen table, hands pressed to her face, as she struggled to stop the tears that were coming. Why was she crying? She had fought with Sirius so many times before; why the sudden tears? She expected that he would think the same, however she felt his hand take hers and she reluctantly allowed him to draw it away from her face. She glanced at him a moment, drawing in a trembling breath as she did so.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that, Lily," Sirius' eyes were desperate and she shook her head, because she knew that he _did _mean it, and that he had been implying as such for weeks now, that she wasn't doing right by her son, and he was only taking it back now because she had threatened to leave.

No, not threatened. She had simply told him. She had been considering it for a while, ever since Sirius had told her about Harry's confusion.

It must have been distressing for him. The confusion over their living arrangements. The constant arguments over how he was being raised. And Sirius had just told her she needed to start doing what was right for Harry, which was ironic, considering the reason the fight started in the first place.

"Lily," Sirius tone was almost pleading, "I'm sorry, okay? I think you're a great mum. And I love having you both here –"

"We have to think about what's right for Harry."

"This is right for Harry," Sirius took her other hand, forcing her to turn to face him in her chair, "Lily, you know it is. He's happy. He's got us both here. And...and sometimes you can't be here – and that's okay!" he quickly added, obviously sensing her about to interrupt, "That's okay. I don't mind that. I want to be here for him; for both of you."

Lily sighed and allowed herself to look at him, really look at him; could see the desperation, the hurt in his eyes that she would think about leaving, about taking Harry away. And she almost shook her head, realising just how much of a mess they had gotten themselves into by living together in the first place. And then she realised just how much Sirius had done for them; how he had been there, everyday, for the past five years. Taking Harry without question whenever she needed him to, when she was doing her training, when she was doing her apprenticeship. Even now, when she was doing something he so strongly objected to, he was still there. Still helping them.

He had successfully stepped in, filling James' shoes completely.

Lily felt uneasy at the thought and pulled her hands from his, glancing away. Wasn't that the problem? What if Harry started to see it that way too? Started to expect it; as close as they were, Sirius wasn't his dad. And what would happen if they got James back?

Sirius should want to get rid of them. He had effectively put his life on hold for the two of them, dedicating it solely to taking care of Harry, and of her, she admitted grudgingly. Didn't he want a family of his own? How was he supposed to find someone with her and Harry constantly in his life?

When she looked back, he was looking at the table, a look of defeat and pain in his eyes, clearly contemplating the idea of living without them; no joy in the idea at all. Lily sighed, causing him to look at her and she opened her arms with a small smile, "I'm sorry."

Sirius returned the smile and leaned in, hugging her tightly, "Does this mean you'll stay?"

"Are you sure you want us to? I mean, don't you want to settle –"

"No, I'm sure," Sirius interrupted her, "And I'm really sorry, Lily. Not just for what I said; but for Harry as well. I was...distracted. It won't happen again, I promise." She pulled back raising an eyebrow with a small smile;

"That's right, it won't."

XXX

Remus hurried through the small living room of his flat, shrugging himself into his robe, at the sound on the insistent knocking at his door. Something must be wrong. It was the first thing he thought when he had awoken to the sound; it was almost one in the morning. His first thoughts went to Harry; had his condition worsened? But if it had, why would they come to the door? Why not just floo or send a patronus?

He pulled the door open; freezing in shock at the sight before him. Six year old Harry Potter, in his pyjamas, tears streaming down his cheeks, standing alone on his doorstep;

"Harry," he quickly pulled him in, "What...how...where's your mum?"

The little boy only sobbed and Remus dropped to his knees, pulling him into a tight hug. He held him for a moment as he cried before a sudden panic seized him, and he drew back, holding Harry by the shoulders, "Did something happen, Harry? You mum? Uncle Sirius? Are the okay?"

Harry looked at him with a confused frown at the question and nodded, sniffing as he did so, "Uh huh. They're okay."

"Then wha...what are you doing here? Are you by yourself?"

At Harry's nod, he went on anxiously;

"Harry you can't do that! Do you know how late it is! How dangerous...There's people outside, bad people –"

"Mum's gonna take me away!" the boy declared, suddenly, before he sobbed again.

XXX

Lily stepped into her room, feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Was there any other emotionally draining things that could have happened that day? Visiting James, frolicking in the bushes with her old best friend, her son almost killing himself falling off his broomstick, and yet another, much more heated, argument with Sirius.

She reached up, pressing a hand to her forehead, before catching sight of her ghastly reflection in the mirror. Apparently she looked just as bad as she felt; and she rubbed the hand that was on her forehead, feeling the tell tale signs of a headache. She could put it down to the champagne she drank earlier that evening; though she doubted that it could be blamed entirely.

She quickly changed into her nightgown and prepared to climb into bed however, hesitated a moment, and then headed out the door, back down the hall towards Harry's room. She paused a moment at the door, noticing it was still slightly ajar from earlier and wondered for a moment if he had heard her and Sirius arguing, before quietly pushing it open and glancing into the room. She frowned, an uneasy feeling settling over her when she didn't see him in his bed, and quickly flicked her wand to light the room.

A few seconds later she was at the door of Sirius' room, knocking frantically. The door pulled open and Sirius stood there, still dressed in his everyday clothes.

"Is Harry in there?" she asked before he could say anything.

Sirius frowned, "No –"

The look on his face had been enough to answer her question and she was hurrying down the stairs before he had finished answering. She heard him follow close on her heels; "Harry? Harry?"

Met only with silence and darkness, she felt a breathless dread wash over her but, at that moment, the floo flared up and Remus' face appeared in the flames, "Anyone there?"

She hurried over to him; "Remus, Harry is –"

"Don't worry," Remus interrupted, "He's here. He's with me."

"What do you mean he's with you? How did he get there?"

Remus glanced between the both of them, looking particularly unimpressed, "He managed to sneak out while you two were screaming your heads off at each other. At least, that's the impression I got when he showed up in tears at my doorstep."

"Get back, I'm coming through," Lily began to reach for the floo powder.

"He's sleeping. Maybe you should come and get him tomorrow."

"No –"

"Lil'," Sirius put a hand on her shoulder, "Maybe he's right. We don't want him more upset."

Lily hesitated a moment, her heart beat and breathing still coming frantically, the terror of finding her son gone not quite leaving her yet. She forced herself to calm down and turned back to Remus; "Is he okay?"

"Just a bit upset."

"Physically? He has a concussion –"

"I know. He's fine; don't worry."

Lily nodded, swallowing guiltily, Remus' disapproval over what had happened between them apparent, "Okay...okay, I'll come and get him in the morning."

Remus only nodded, before the flames died down and his face disappeared.

She felt Sirius hand on her shoulder again, giving her a comforting squeeze, before she heard he make his way back up the stairs. She sighed, lifting a hand to her face, and fell back onto the couch, as Sirius' words during their argument came back to her. He had said it before, that Harry needed a mother, that she wasn't around enough. Always in an argument though, never with concrete proof.

And now here she was, the evidence of her failings as a mother staring her straight in the face; no more proof needed.

And so for the third time that day, she leaned forward and cried.

XXX

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favourited and added this story to alert. They've all been so encouraging and make me want to just keep writing it! I'm so glad how by well the story is being received.  
Boplante and Sam6350: Thanks very much for your reviews, they're very much appreciated!


	14. November 1986: The Darndest Things

Chapter Thirteen

"I want to stay with Uncle Sirius."

Her six year old son was glaring at her, as if daring her to say otherwise, and she found herself wondering where the years had gone. It hadn't seemed that long ago that she had held him in her arms, her little baby, who depended on her for everything. The expression on his face now, the determination and the accusing glare, only served to remind her that her son was growing up; was starting to make his own decision about what he wanted, what he thought was right. In just over ten years he would come of age; would be ready to make his own decisions. Ten years ago that amount of time seemed so long away; now, she could imagine just blinking and finding her son walking out the door, ready to start his own life.

"Harry," she took his hands in hers, "I told you. We _are_ staying with him. For now."

"Not for now," his eyebrows lowered, "Forever!" he insisted.

"Sweetheart, soon Uncle Sirius will have a family of his own –"

"He told me that w_e're _his family. He won't love anyone else as much as he loves us."

Lily sighed, shaking her head and rubbing a hand to her forehead, "Yes. Yes, we are his family. But, Harry, we're a different sort of family to him. We're...we're like...The type of family I mean are mums and dads and their children."

Harry shrugged, glancing down, his tone tentative, "I don't mind Uncle Sirius being my dad."

"He's _not _your dad," Lily found herself saying, firmly, before she could stop herself. Harry's shoulders dropped in obvious disappointment, as he continued to look down at the bed covers, rubbing a piece of fabric between his middle and index finger.

"I wish he was," he whispered.

"Harry," she sighed, "Harry, you already have a dad."

"No I don't."

"Yes, you do. James. Remember I told you about him? I gave you pictures –"

"I don't want pictures. I want a dad. All my friends have a dad; Ron has a dad. It's not fair."

Lily felt a lump form in her throat, not able to disagree with what he had said, as she was reminded of what her son had lost; what he must grow up without. She turned around, sitting with her back to the headboard, and pulled him into her arms. He allowed himself to be pulled into her embrace, leaning against her, but didn't say anything more.

"I know it's not fair, Sweetheart," she kissed his head, "I know."

"Why can't you marry Uncle Sirius?"

She stroked his hair, holding back a smirk at the suggestion; what a disastrous marriage _that _would be; "I'm married to your father, Harry. To James."

"He ruins everything."

"Harry!"

"It's true!"

Lily leaned back, turning him to look up at her, "Harry, your dad loved you. Very much. If he could be here he would; he wants to be here."

Harry didn't meet her eyes, only glared at the top button of her dress.

"I understand how confusing it must be for you. But you have to remember that he loves you, okay? It's not his fault that he can't be here."

"Will he come back?" Harry looked at her, questioningly, "I heard Uncle Sirius once say you think he's going to come back."

Lily hesitated when faced with the question; once again put in the position of giving him hope at the risk of it being taken away. She didn't know. The thought startled her and she felt a jolt as it came to mind; she didn't know. When had the answer changed to that? When had it gone from an unquestioning, determined '_yes_' to the uncertainty she now felt?

She forced a smile, brushing the hair back from his forehead, "Maybe. I hope so."

"I don't."

"Harry!" she was finding herself shocked by her son's statements far too much during the conversation, "Don't say that. I thought you said you wanted your dad back?"

"Not him. I want Uncle Sirius," then he shrugged, "I don't mind if you marry Uncle Remus though. He'd be a good dad too."

"Remus..." Lily shook her head, stopping short, incredulous at the conversation they were having, "Harry, only people who love each other get married," '_not entirely true, but let's go with it'_, "Your uncles are like brothers to me. Girls don't marry their brothers," she hoped putting it in that context would make him understand, "It's like how Ron is Ginny's brother."

"But they're not your _real_ brothers," he stated, impossibly, refusing to accept the example as a valid point.

_Oh my God, _Lily could feel the headache she had already had building up pressure, and she closed her eyes against the frustration she was feeling.

"Ron says you're not really married to dad now since he's gone. It's okay for you to get married again –"

"Harry, enough," Lily interrupted him, her tone making it clear the point would be discussed no further, "I'm not going to get married again. Not to either of your uncles."

Harry's brow furrowed and he raised his eyes to her, "You mean you'd marry someone else?"

"No!"

Harry huffed and crossed his arm across his chest, glaring at her furiously, "So I'll never have a dad then!"

Lily rubbed her hands over her face, "I'm sorry, Harry," she sighed, "But I told you; you do have a dad."

"What if he comes back?" Harry was looking at her, frowningly.

"Well, then he comes back," Lily shrugged and then smiled, widening her eyes with an excitement she didn't feel, "And then you'd have your dad back."

"So he would come and live with us?"

"Yes, of course."

"What about Uncle Sirius?"

Lily hesitated, glancing over him, at the suspicion in his eyes as he eyed her; "Well...by then your Uncle Sirius will already have his own family."

"You mean he'll be gone."

"Not gone; he will just be living somewhere else."

"Because my dad came back?"

"No. Because he would have his own wife; his own children to live with."

"He won't. He has me. He doesn't need children."

Lily couldn't help but find herself amused at the jealousy Harry was already expressing for children that hadn't even been conceived yet; "You would like them. You'd be their cousin; it'd be like having a little brother or sister."

"You could marry him and give me one."

"Harry, stop it," she let out an exasperated breath, feeling uncomfortable and irritated by his fixation on the idea of her and Sirius getting married. The whole suggestion only made her consider rethinking her current decision to stay with him; perhaps they just rip off the plaster and get it over with. Especially if the pain of conversations like these were going to continue as a result.

"What if Uncle Sirius doesn't get married to someone else?" Harry was looking at her, carefully, "Would he live with us if my dad came back?"

Lily sighed, knowing the answer wouldn't go down well, "To be honest, Sweetheart, probably not."

"So he'd have to leave?"

"Maybe. Or perhaps we would. We haven't decided who would stay at the house."

"I don't want to move out. I like my room. I'd have to leave it if he comes back?"

"People move houses; sometimes it's nice to have a new room."

"No. I don't want a new room. And I don't want to leave Uncle Sirius."

"Well, for now we are staying," Lily stated, hoping that would placate him for now.

Harry was looking thoughtfully at the covers of the bed again, seemingly mulling over what she had said. Just as she was about to move and suggest he get dressed and ready to return home, he spoke up;

"Maybe if he comes back, you could go and live with him but I could stay with Uncle Sirius."

'_Not happening.'_

"No, Harry," Lily lifted his chin to look at her, "If your father comes back we'll be a family; the three of us. You'll be staying with me."

"What if I don't want to?"

"You don't want to live with me?"

Harry hesitated, looking at her, before he twitched nervously, "I want to live with you. But not with him."

"Harry –"

"I hope he never comes back. I hate him!"

"That's enough, Harry!" she finally snapped, "Do not _ever _speak about your father that way."

"You said to always tell the truth! It is the truth! And I want to stay with Uncle Sirius!"

Lily flung her legs over the side of the bed, standing up, trying desperately to keep herself under control. She brushed down her dress, shaking her head, not looking at him, as she attempted to think of something appropriate to say in response to his declarations. She couldn't find anything; no words presented themselves. She was terrible at this. Perhaps she should have allowed Sirius to accompany her that morning when he offered.

She shook her head; or maybe that was the root of the problem. Sirius could deal with her son better than she could.

Didn't this whole encounter just confirm that?

"Harry, get dressed. We're going home."

XXX

"Perhaps you were right."

Remus glanced over at her as she voiced her thoughts.

"It may be best if I took Harry to see James. Allow him to see his father," she glanced in the direction of the room that Harry was currently preparing himself in, "It might help with the confusion he has been feeling over our living situation with Sirius."

"Two of you should never have done that in the first place."

"You've never complained before," she frowned, looking at him sharply.

"What good would it do?" Remus shrugged, "Two of you are just going to do what you want. Sirius especially. He's doing it for himself, you know, not for Harry."

"Remus –"

"Just doesn't want to be alone. Only reason he gets up in the morning is for Harry –"

"That's not true."

"Yes it is," Remus shook his head, "But even then he only ever cares about himself."

"Remus, stop," she sighed. What time was it? 10.30? Half way through the morning and she was already wishing the day was over. She didn't have the energy for another conversation like before; "You know how much he loves Harry. And he takes care of him."

Remus glared bitterly into the newspaper he was holding, not answering.

"Harry told me about the argument the two of you had."

He didn't take the bait.

"What you said wasn't fair."

"Don't talk to me about fair, Lily. Wasn't you he turned all your friends against, was it?"

"He didn't..." she hesitated, before pushing on with what could turn out to be an ugly conversation, "Remus, we all made that decision. And I'm sorry. So is he."

"Are you trying to say he didn't have to do any convincing?" he looked directly at her, and she found herself averting her eyes.

She attempted to steer the conversation in another direction; "We have to stay united, the three of us. For Harry's sake."

"For Harry's sake? Let's not forget who Harry came running to last night –"

"No need to be smug about it."

"I'm not being smug," he glared at her, "It's the truth. You and Sirius need to sort out _your _problems with each other; those are what are affecting Harry, not mine and Sirius' issues."

She sighed, looking down, once again remembering the terror of finding her child not in his bed in the middle of the night. It wasn't something she ever wanted a repeat of.

"When are you taking him to see James?" Remus spoke again, his tone almost apologetic.

"I don't know. Soon. Perhaps in a couple of weeks."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

She shook her head, "No, thank you." She would take Sirius, she thought, but knew better than to state that to Remus considering his current sentiments towards him. After all, if Harry could see how supportive Sirius was of their reunion, how much his uncle cared about his dad, it would ensure that he didn't feel that he was betraying his relationship with him by wanting to see his father.

Something familiar out the corner of her eye caught her attention and she glanced at the front of the newspaper Remus was holding; a picture of Severus was on the front page. She frowned;

"Why is Severus on the front of the Prophet?"

Remus raised his eyes from the paper, looking at her curiously for a moment, "His and Regulus Black's house was torched last night. Pretty advanced flammation spell, apparently. Destroyed everything in the house."

Lily's eyes widened, "Are they alright?"

"No one was injured," Remus eyed her for a moment, before turning his attention back to the paper, "There isn't much information in the article; you'd be better asking _Severus-_" he glanced at her as he said the name, "-what happened."

Lily tilted her head at the curious look in his eyes but decided not to take the bait and leaned back, furtively glancing over the front of the newspaper; alongside the picture of Severus was a picture of Regulus Black, with a larger one above of a pile of black rubble.

The door to the guest bedroom opened and Harry stepped out. He looked at her frowningly for a moment, before crossing his arms over his chest, making sure she knew he was still unhappy about their conversation. She stood, raising an eyebrow;

"Ready to go?"

"Uh huh."

"Say goodbye to Uncle Remus."

"Bye," he huffed, not offering him the usual hug he did when leaving, and marched over to the fireplace.

Lily shared a look with an amused Remus, before she walked over, taking her son's hand, and made their way back home.

XXX

Following the destruction of his and Severus' home, Regulus had swallowed his pride and turned to his cousin for assistance, taking up residence at Malfoy Manor. It was the best option; news writers had been hounding him all weekend for a statement regarding the arson attack, and there was no better place to seek respite from it than the home of Lucius Malfoy. Those wishing to speak with him hadn't been able to enter the grounds on which the house stood and, as such, had been unable to see him whatsoever. That was something he would not have had the satisfaction of if he had taken up residence with Andromeda. He was certain he was in a better position than Severus, who had been forced to take up residence at Hogwarts.

As a child he had never enjoyed having too much attention centred on him and, even now, was grateful that his brother had been quite the attention seeker and was only too keen to soak up the interest of any acquaintances and relatives that they happened to meet wherever they went.

The attention he had been receiving since the attempt was disturbing and unwelcome; it was something he frequently managed to avoid, despite being Aurelius' founder, and Severus' opinion matched his with much more vehemence.

Regulus grinned at Draco, as he dipped a hand into the glass pot by the fire, which contained a number of Lucius' most expensive sweets. The little boy returned the smile, pleased to have his Godfather on his side, and stuffed a handful of the sweets into his pocket before hurrying back to the book that his father had given to him on his return from abroad as his mother came into the room.

"How are you feeling, Regulus?" Narcissa regarded him with the same concern she had greeted him with when he had arrived the night before.

"I'm fine, Cissy," he shrugged, trying not to think about all that he had lost in the fire. It didn't matter. It was just stuff, he tried to reason with himself. It was the same thing he had said to Severus in an attempt to make the situation seem less dire; however his friend had adamantly insisted that it _did _matter and had been horrified at all the things he had lost.

He looked over at his cousin uncertainly for a moment, before broaching the subject that had been on his mind, "Cissy, how would you feel about me selling the Manor?"

Narcissa glanced at him sharply, "Black Manor?"

"Yes."

Black Manor, where his cousins had grown up, had been inherited by him following the death of their parents; the estate being both entailed away from the female line and Sirius being overlooked as a blood traitor. No one had lived in it; he had offered it to Andromeda following their reconciliation however she had turned him down flat, stating she didn't want to have anything to do with the place.

Narcissa, living in the far superior Malfoy Manor, also had no use for it and Bellatrix was in Azkaban. But he had kept a hold of it, opting first to sell Grimmauld Place when he was forming the Foundation; since then Black Manor had remained uninhabited and kept in reserve for whenever he needed extra funds. He had already been feeling the need to use it for the Foundation in recent months but had put it off; but now, with the loss of his home, there was no better time. It would save the waiting for the settlement to come through.

"I suppose it is up to you what you do with the place," Narcissa said, with complete emotional detachment, "I have no use of it."

"You wouldn't be upset?"

"No, of course not."

"I'd give you some of the money –"

"Regulus, don't be ridiculous," she interrupted him, "I don't need it."

"But –"

She held up a hand, stopping him, "Really, Regulus. Do whatever you like with the place."

XXX

Severus found himself sitting at one of the tables in the Foundation gardens until late in the evening the following Wednesday, not at all eager to return to Hogwarts after spending the past five nights at the place. What was once a place where he had often gone for solitude had now become a nightmare and he was keen to begin the search for new lodgings as soon as possible. Anywhere there wasn't the sound of children's voices; children's irritating laugher; the pattering, or worse thudding, of hundreds of footsteps; night duty supervision as assigned by Dumbledore...

He had been becoming more and more irritable as the week dragged on, remaining in his own office whenever he could, and the constant pestering for statements from the press were infuriating him to no end.

"Severus?"

He glanced up from the papers he had been reading to find Lily Potter standing over him. She offered him a smile in greeting.

"Mrs...Lily," he allowed himself to smile in return, the first time he had smiled all week, he was sure, and indicated the chair across from him.

"How are you?" she asked quickly, before she had even finished her descent onto the chair, "I read what happened in the Prophet, I'm so sorry."

Severus almost groaned, having been asked the same question, what felt like, a million times by everyone he had come into contact with, but forced himself to control his irritation and answered with an; "I'm fine."

"I haven't seen you all week; have you been busy with the project?"

"Yes," he lied. Because no, he wasn't. He was simply hiding from all the questions he had been receiving regarding this particular topic.

She looked uncomfortable as she glanced away, out over the scenery, as if she regretted sitting down, and Severus realised that he had appeared short with her and quickly went on, "How is your son?"

Lily looked at him sharply and, for a moment, he thought apprehension crossed her features. He suddenly felt guilty, as the reason why she had run off the previous Friday fully settled itself in his mind and he realised she may have just had as bad a week as he had. And yet, here she was managing to contain any aggravation she may have been feeling perfectly.

"He's fine. Broken arm. Concussion. But the Healers had already tended to him by the time I arrived home."

"What happened?"

"He was flying; his broom caught a fence post."

Severus frowned in concern, "Oh. Well...he was lucky." He almost cringed at the implication that the injury could have been more severe but she seemed not to notice.

"He's quite upset with me just now," Lily said, looking thoughtful, "He's very determined for a six year old; very stubborn."

"I wonder where he gets that from."

She shot him a look and he failed to hold back a smirk, quickly looking down at the papers before him.

"What happened with the fire? Was it an accident?"

Severus glanced at her, "No. It wasn't."

Lily looked concerned for a moment, considering his statement, before speaking, "So, someone may target you again?"

"No. Not me," Severus stated, straightening out his papers, "But I suppose the culprit would not object to my suffering also."

"Oh," she looked down, seeming to think more on what he had said, and the two of them were silent for a moment before she spoke again, a lighter note in her voice.

"Did you enjoy the party?" she changed the subject. Her eyes were teasing when he looked back at her, a reminder of their interaction together that night, and he felt himself fully relax at the memory.

Severus held her look a moment, lip twitching, before they both smiled; "I am not one for parties."

"Yes, like you said some things never change. I did find you hiding in the bushes, after all."

"I was not hiding. I enjoy the peace, that is all. One would after spending more than four years attending such events every month."

"Anti-social much?"

"And are you one to criticise? What were you doing in the maze if not hiding yourself?"

"I've never been in a maze before. I was curious."

"Curious? Surely you knew what a maze was."

"Nothing beats experience, Severus."

"True enough," he consented, looking down at the papers, feeling as if he had been looking at her face for too long.

"It's getting late."

Severus glanced at his timepiece; 8.30pm; "Yes, I suppose."

She frowned, "Where are you staying? Hogwarts?"

"Unfortunately," he fought back the urge to roll his eyes, "I find I can bear it so long as my days here are long."

She grinned, "It can't be that bad."

"I have no patience for children."

"I'm sure the students are not running around in your personal chambers," she pointed out, before going on with an amused look, "Perhaps you have chosen the wrong profession?"

Severus avoided her eyes at that, once again arranging the already tidy pile of articles he had been reading. She was regarding him peculiarly for a moment but he didn't allow himself to meet her eyes, forcibly reminding himself that he owed her nothing, no explanation for his reasons behind going to work at Hogwarts.

At that moment he heard the sound of her stomach rumbling and glanced at her in amusement. She gave a sheepish smile, her cheeks turning slightly pink, putting a hand to her stomach, "Excuse me. Haven't eaten since lunch."

"We have a very fine bistro here for staff. There is no reason to starve yourself while you are working."

"I'm hardly starving," she laughed off his comment, "And yes, I have seen it."

"Have you eaten there?"

"No, not yet."

"We have a Chef; he prepares far more satisfying meals than those prepared by the elves at Hogwarts," he felt his own hunger awaken at the thought of it.

"More satisfying than Hogwarts?" Lily looked sceptical, raising an eyebrow, "An impossible feat if there ever was one."

"Then prepare to be astonished," he cocked an eyebrow at her, eliciting an amused smile in response.

"Hmm, I'd like to see that proven," she glanced back in the direction of the Foundation, "Is the Bistro still open?"

"It is, it closes at eleven."

She stood, abruptly, and he looked up at her with a confused frown. She waited, expectantly. His frown deepened, as his confusion grew;

"What?"

"Aren't you coming?"

"Coming where?"

"To the bistro," she rolled her eyes as she elaborated, "After such a glowing recommendation from as severe a critic as yourself, I have to see it for myself," she added, before looking back at him with a look that suggested that _'no' _would not be accepted as an answer.

He glanced down at the articles in his hands, articles he must have read at least five times each before, finding himself in the strange position of wishing both to immediately accept the invitation and join her and also the urge to decline and avoid putting himself in the precarious position of enjoying her company too much.

He shook the thought away; weren't they friends now? Wasn't that what the whole thing last weekend had been about?

And that was all the encouragement his mind needed.

He rolled up the articles, tying them together, and tucked them into his robes, standing as he did so. She smiled brightly before waving an arm in the direction of the building, "Lead the way."

"I thought you said you knew where it was."

She rolled her eyes and leaned in to give him a playful shove in the right direction, urging him to walk on, and he found himself smiling again as they made their way towards the building.


	15. December 1986: Make Sport of Ourselves

Chapter Fourteen

"What is that odour?"

"Probably your robes; haven't you been brewing all afternoon?"

"We are very close to town."

"Six miles out. Not too close; not too far."

"It is very large."

"It's average."

Severus eyed the country estate house that Regulus had dragged him to wearily, knowing well enough that he could not afford his half of the cost of such a residence. He glared slightly at the man next to him, who was staring at the house with an oblivious, satisfied expression, for he was certain that Regulus also knew there was no way he could afford it. Even if he could, he would not be willing to part with the funds.

"We should look elsewhere. This property isn't appropriate for our needs."

"You haven't even been inside yet." Regulus glanced at him, becoming impatient at his reluctance.

"I don't need to. This perspective is all I need to know this is above and beyond our needs; and in order to maintain such a home we would be required to obtain a further house elf."

"That's all arranged."

"What do you mean _'all arranged?' _Severus looked at him, sharply, "We do not need another house elf."

"Come inside and take a look; you'll be impressed, I guarantee it." He made his way towards the house.

"I did not say that I am not impressed," Severus muttered, as he reluctantly followed, "I only said we do not need it."

"I didn't want us to live too far out from the Foundation; and the other options were too close to the towns. Wasn't it you who suggested we need somewhere secluded? We do not want our location discovered..." He let the remainder of his statement stand, both aware of whom they did not want to be discovered by.

"I doubt the attacker will be too impressed with the new lodgings," Severus remarked, as they stepped into the hallway and he caught sight of the high quality decor within it, "In fact, I believe they will be quite put out that their actions led to you finding such a fine place to relocate."

"Not my problem," Regulus muttered, almost defiantly, before his eyes brightened and he waved an arm, "So, what do you think?"

"Regulus," Severus sighed, shaking his head, "I have told you. This is not the place."

"Five bedrooms –"

"What do we need five bedrooms for? Visitors?"

"Bedroom each; bedroom for the house elves; office space and, yes, a room for guests."

"We have no guests. We never have guests. That is also something I would rather not change."

Regulus scoffed and rolled his eyes, taking him by the arm and leading him through a large doorway, "You can quit with the act. I saw how much you were enjoy the company of others at the party a few weeks ago."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know very well what I'm talking about." Regulus looked at him, fully, a gleam in his eye; "Or should I say whom?"

Severus felt a treacherous heat begin to creep up his neck and looked away, almost scowling, "Do not start with your prattling."

Regulus chuckled, looking irritatingly delighted at his discomfort, "You two have been spending a lot of time together recently."

"And how would you know of that?" Severus looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "As far as I remember you have been peculiarly absent the past couple of weeks."

"I have my ways. People talk. It's not like you to take an interest in female company after all," Regulus was speaking with a grin than appeared to widen with each word.

"And it is not like _you, _Regulus,to take the idle gossip of your employees at face value." Severus glared at him, attempting to disguise his growing discomfort at the fact that people had noticed, and were gossiping about, his behaviour towards Lily; "They are obviously just bored and have nothing better to do; in which case projects must be slow. The perfect excuse for some layoffs, I think."

Regulus laughed and shook his head; "Yeah, fantastic idea, Sev. Let's fire the employees for _daring_ to speak about the private life of _the great Severus Snape._"

"Enough, Regulus," Severus snapped, "This is not something I wish to discuss."

"Oh come on!" Regulus was still laughing, infuriatingly, "What's with all this coyness? You were not so reserved when you and Dana Wishbone were involved."

Severus almost groaned at the mention, "Please, do not speak to me of that woman."

Regulus was no longer laughing soundly, but his body continued to tremor with amusement as he led him through from dining room into the kitchen; "Basement," he stated, as he indicated towards a door in the corner of the room, "I assume that is where you will do all your brewing –"

"As I have already said," Severus ground out, becoming more and more impatient with each of Regulus' words, "I do not wish to purchase this house. We should leave –"

"No, you haven't seen the best part yet."

"What 'best part'? Tell me now."

"I'll show it to you," Regulus said, making his way out yet another door, this time leading into what appeared to be a ballroom.

Severus almost blanched at the sight, eyeing the dance floor with distain, "Really, Regulus? _This," _he gave a sweeping motion with his arm across the room, "_This _is all necessary, is it?"

"There is library space through that door; I'm sure you don't object to that. And we could hold some of the Foundation galas here."

"Never." Severus quickly put such a horrifying idea to rest; "Our location is to remain unidentified; we cannot have hundreds of people frolicking in our garden." _Or our home; _the thought almost made him cringe.

"There is a bedroom down that corridor," Regulus stated, as they stepped back into the hallway, "Most suitable for Ayra and Fee. And there's the parlour through there." He indicated the further door, however turned at the staircase and the two began to make their way up to the second story.

"Fee?" Severus repeated, though he knew well enough who this 'Fee' was going to be, before Regulus went on to confirm;

"The new house elf."

"We do not need a new house elf! Do you not consult my opinion on anything, Regulus?"

"It depends."

"On what, exactly?"

"On how difficult I expect you to be."

"Ah. Very amusing, Regulus."

"This is my room," Regulus announced, throwing open the door to the first, large room on the right. Severus peered in with disinterest, before glancing back at him;

"Do not get too attached."

"It's too late."

"What do you mean 'it's too late'?"

"I've already purchased it."

Severus looked at him sharply.

"Now, before you saying anything," Regulus said, nervously, lifting up two hands in front of him, making calming gestures which only served to infuriate him further, "I know it's a bit above our price range –"

"A bit – Regulus, are you insane?" Severus snapped, "What would ever give you the idea that I could possibly afford to purchase this house; half of this house; even a _quarter _of this house! This is ridic – cancel the transaction immediately!"

"All the paperwork is through." Regulus pulled out a collection of rolled up parchments, presumably the deeds to the land and property, holding them out to him. Severus snatched them from his hands but didn't bother to look at them, keeping angry, truly angry, eyes on the man across from him.

"Unless you plan on offering me a v_ery _significant pay rise for my work at the Foundation – not unwelcome or unwarranted, I may add – there is no way we can afford this house. The settlement for Grecian's hasn't even come through yet."

"I know. When it does you can just give me your half."

"My half?" Severus cocked an eyebrow at him, stepping back, "Are you trying to tell me that this property is of the same value as our last?"

"No. But I sold Black Manor last week, remember? And I have used the money to purchase this. And also to obtain those potions materials you were so adamant you needed for the Foundation, as well as to deal with some other demands that department heads have been making."

"I thought you planned to give part of that money to your cousins?"

"Cissy and Andie both refused the money; so I created trusts in Draco and Dora's names. The interest rates were high enough that an equal percentage was not necessary; they've improved a lot since Malachi's was created."

Severus didn't respond, only continued eyeing the corridors of, apparently, his new home.

"I also arranged for some of the money to go to my brother –"

Severus glanced at him quickly, at the guilty tone by which his friend spoke.

"I thought I ought to tell you. In case your new –" his eyes twinkled again "- _friend _ happens to mention it."

"I could not care less what you do with your money, Regulus," Severus assured him, in a slightly less harsher tone than before, "So long as I do not have to deal with that imbecile, you may have as much contact with him as you please. It is of no concern to me."

Regulus smirked, "You don't have to worry about that. I just didn't think it was fair to not give him something."

"Life is not fair, Regulus. It is time you accepted that."

XXX

"Why he would think I would appreciate such a thing is beyond me."

Lily struggled to hold back a smile as Severus continued to rant to her over Regulus Black's gall to purchase a house without consulting him, and found herself attacking the steak on her plate with her knife with more force than necessary in an attempt to distract herself.

"You are aware that the cow is already dead, I presume?"

Lily, having been successfully holding in her amusement at his outraged comments for the past fifteen minutes, found that the laughter she had been fighting could no longer be denied and dissolved into a fit of silent giggles which appeared to startle him; for her amused reaction far outweighed the humour of the comment he had made.

"Perhaps you have had enough wine," Severus said, as he eyed the glass in front of her, her _only _glass and from which she had only had a couple of sips since it had arrived.

"I'm sorry, Severus," she apologised, as she drew in a breath and tried to control the bubbles of laughter, "It's been a long day, that's all," she offered, as means of explanation.

"As if I have not noticed your amusement at my current situation. You do not know how infuriating Regulus Black can be."

"I have a fair idea; I do live with his brother."

Severus tilted his head, appearing to think on that for a moment before he gave a nod, as if agreeing to something; "Something tells me that you have drawn the short straw; Regulus, at least, has common sense and humility in his favour."

Lily glanced down at his comment, not entirely comfortable by the direction of conversation.

The silence dragged on, becoming more and more uncomfortable, before Severus finally spoke;

"I apologise. My comment was inappropriate."

Lily shrugged, keeping her eyes downcast, before she lifted her cutlery to her food again. The food at the Bistro Severus had recommended _was _outstanding; she had never experienced such a delightful meal and, since then, the two had made it almost a custom to meet there for dinner after work before heading home. That custom was, apparently, of particular interest to some of their work colleagues, a fact which she had discovered when some of the people on the project had begun commenting and questioning her about her acquaintance with him.

"What do you intend to do over the weekend?" Severus appeared to be struggling for a topic of conversation, following his blunder, so she smiled in an attempt to calm him.

"I am taking Harry to St Mungos."

"Are his injuries still troubling him?" Severus frowned, "It has been some weeks –"

"No, it's not his injuries," Lily interrupted him, pushing away the uneasiness she felt at the reminder of what had happened; "I'm taking him to see his father. It will be his first visit."

Severus regarded her for a moment, curiously, before he glanced down at his own meal, making a move to continue with it. He spoke without looking up; "I hope it goes well."

"Thank you."

She had hoped she would be able to speak with him about it; with someone who wasn't directly involved with the situation. But, from his tense demeanour, she guessed that the last thing he could possibly want to speak about with her was James Potter. Her husband. It wasn't something they had discussed; it hadn't been brought up by either of them since their re-acquaintance and anytime the conversation had seemed to go in that direction one of them had always been quick to nip the topic in the bud.

Apparently, any conversation about James Potter was off limits. And she supposed she preferred it that way. After all, what's to say a conversation about Harry visiting him wouldn't lead on to a conversation about her visits; about her marriage; about her decision to marry him. Though he had never voiced it, she was quite certain that Severus had been adamantly against it. Perhaps even still was.

"What about you? Do you have any plans?"

"Moving into my new home, apparently."

"I'm sure the place is lovely, Severus."

"Lovely. Yes. That is not the point. One would _expect_ a lovely home when looking to buy in Newton's Burrow."

"Newton's Burrow?" she looked at him, sharply, "That's where it is? That's a really nice place, Severus. Beautiful scenery."

"Yes, I am aware."

"Complaining about getting a house in Newton," she said, as she rolled her eyes, "I think you ought to swallow your pride and consider the benefits. There are hardly any muggles out there; wizards either, now that I think about it. You would be able to practice magic quite freely."

"Pride has nothing to do with it. And the house is under protective shields; we do not intend to reveal our location due to current circumstances."

"Still no progress with the investigation?"

He only shook his head with a look of irritation at the fact. His eyes caught something to her left and she glanced over; Healer Hopkins was regarding them with interest from the table where he sat, alone, and had quickly smothered a grin he had been giving Severus when she turned. She offered him a polite smile and a nod, which he returned, before turning his attention back to his meal.

When she turned back, Severus' cheeks were slightly pinker than they had been before; "Apparently you are quite the recluse around here."

"And where would you get that idea?" he replied, with complete composure, "Have you and I not spent an acceptable amount of time together to dismiss such a thought?"

"Apparently it is the amount of time spent together that has garnered our colleagues' interest; do you often avoid company?"

"I enjoy my time alone, that is all," Severus stated, "There are some people's company I enjoy. I used to dine with Healer Hopkins in the evening on occasion. Or Regulus Black, of course."

Lily glanced quickly over at the Department Head, who continued to sit alone; "Perhaps you would like to invite him to join us?"

When she looked back, Severus was regarding her carefully for a moment. She raised an eyebrow, which seemed to jolt him from his stare, and he leaned slightly to the side, speaking more loudly; "Eugene."

The older man glanced at them quickly.

"Would you like to join us?"

Healer Hopkins looked surprised for a moment; then, with an amused glace at each of them, leaned back and shook his head; "No thank you, Severus. I am quite alright where I am." He ended with a grin, before he turned his attention back to his own meal.

Severus' blush had increased slightly as he turned his attention back to her; "If the interest bothers you, Mrs Potter, there is no reason for these meals to continue."

"Mrs Potter?" she repeated, with a raised eyebrow, "Really, Professor? Are we back to that? We are hardly strangers to unwelcome interest with regards to our relationship. Besides, it is y_ou _that people are interested in, not me_. _I dare say our colleagues would have reacted the same way, no matter who you were sitting here with."

Severus glanced at her, "Actually, you have become quite the talk of the faculty recently. What with all your 'superior' knowledge of the project."

Lily blushed, then gave him a sheepish grin, "Obviously I have had some help with that."

"Take the credit that it offered to you, Lily. A good reference from Healer Heart will be incredibly beneficial; her name carries a good deal of weight in your profession. Of course, you would do well to make a good impression on Eugene; Healer Hopkins, that is. He has many connections that would also benefit you."

"I've settled in quite well," she shrugged, for she thought that she got along just fine with the two people he had mentioned.

"Yes, I cannot disagree with that."

She smiled, reaching for her glass of wine. However, as she did so she noticed Severus shift uncomfortably, as he glanced out the corner of his eye. She followed his look, noticing another person regarding them with interest and rolled her eyes.

"You know, you are very well liked around here."

"Am I indeed?"

"Yes. Respected; admired. Not surprising, really –"

"Is there something you want, Lily?"

She rolled her eyes; "I only meant to say that you don't have to shy away from people."

"I am not 'shying away', Lily. I have many friends here."

Lily was surprised at the statement and frowned; "Then, why are people so surprised by us?"

Severus glanced at her, poker-faced, before offering a shrug; "I only stated that I have friends. I did not mean to imply I had any deep knowledge of the workings of their minds."

She got the distinct impression that he was starting to withdraw from her, as he became more tense and focused his full attention on the meal before him, and decided to drop the subject. Instead, she mused on the peculiar questioning and interest of their colleagues. She noticed, once again, Severus' attention being caught by the man behind her and he glanced at her briefly, before looking back down at his meal.

Deciding to lighten the mood, she turned her attention to something else; "Well, in that case you must be looking forward to the Yuletide Gala?"

He raised his eyes to her once again, his lip twitching slightly, the expression on his face making her chuckle.

XXX

"I'm not a charity case; I don't need your money."

Regulus regarded his brother with barely concealed distain; "I couldn't care less about your circumstances; I was only giving you what you were due. You _are _a Black, aren't you?"

"I don't need my little brother gloating and holding all his accomplishments over me; keep your damn money."

"It was Uncle Cygnus' money –"

"What about Andie? Or Narcissa Malfoy, you still keep in contact with her, I'm guessing?"

"It's none of your business who I am in contact with," Regulus glared at him; his brother's presence, alone, was enough to be an annoyance, never mind the self-righteous tone he often adopted around him; "Though for the sake of argument and if it gets you out of my office fast enough, I'll let you know that their shares have been put into trusts for their kids, respectively." He glared it him; "What a shame that in your case the money will probably be wasted on firewhisky and Quidditch matches."

"Like you know anything about me, Regulus," Sirius seethed, "And it's not like _your _son is lapping it up in a life of luxury due to _your_ success, is it?"

"What would you know about my son?" Regulus snapped; as far as he knew, the fact that he had a son at all was not common knowledge.

"Only that, once again, you opt to take the easy way out rather than manning up and doing what's right –"

"You walked out the door, what, ten years ago? Like _you _know anything about _me_."

"I don't need to know you. I read all about you in the Prophet. And I'm in contact with Andie, you probably forget."

"I don't forget. I'm just not interested. Now, if you don't mind, it's late and I have work to finish up. Not that you'd know anything about that."

"Just take the damn money back."

"If you had half a brain you'd think to put the money in a trust for your Godson; James Potter Jr."

"Harry doesn't need your money either. I can take care of him just fine."

"Actually, I imagine it's the wages of his mother that are currently sustaining him and let's not forget where those come from."

"Could you be any more arrogant?"

Regulus scoffed; "Look who's talking."

Sirius went off on a rant that he barely listened to; something about him always doing what his parents wanted; always doing what was expected of him rather than what he believed in or what he wanted to do. He felt himself grow hot with irritation, noting that most of that was true. He was too concerned with the opinion of others; too concerned with doing what was expected. Wasn't that why he gave Sirius the money in the first place? Because it would have been frowned upon by people, Andromeda for example, if he hadn't?

And where had that gotten him? His decisions always seemed to have terrible consequences. The fact that he was now experiencing the displeasure of his brother's company, listening to his failings being listed before him, was only a horrible reminder of that.

"Get out, Sirius. I have work to do. The offer was not given as a means of reconciliation, I am sure you are aware, and if you don't want the money, contact my secretary and she can deal with it."

"Your secretary?" Sirius scoffed, looking around the room with an appraising eye; "You certainly _have _done well for yourself, haven't you?" he stated, though his tone lacked any admiration, instead dripping with distain.

"Well, I _was_ a Slytherin; cunning; ambitious; etcetera."

"Among other things."

"If you don't get out I'm going to call security."

"Keep your knickers on, Regulus, I'm leaving."

With that he stormed over to the door, flinging it open so that it smashed into the bookcase dramatically, garnering the attention of everyone in the hallway on the other side of the door, before he strode out, leaving the door open behind him as he did so.

The Greeter, Elena Fitzherbert, hurried over to the door; "Is everything okay, Mr Black?"

"Yes, Elena, everything is fine." He forced a smile he was sure was not at all convincing; "Please, see to it that I am not disturbed for the rest of the evening."

"It is almost nine thirty, Sir."

"Yes, I shan't be here much longer."

She smiled and nodded, before pulling the door closed; leaving him to his thoughts.

He hated seeing his brother. Being reminded of how things were when they were young; of how _he _was when he was young. Of how he had been caught up in his parents politics and how his older brother had run away and left him to deal with the aftermath of their grief.

A face appeared in the fire; "Mr Black?"

Regulus glanced at the fire, seeing Elena's face in it, and frowned; "I thought I asked not to be disturbed?"

"Yes, Sir. I'm sorry. But Professor Snape wished to remind you that you are to collect a Mr Redway tonight."

Malachi. Of course. He almost groaned, glancing at his timepiece to confirm that, yes, it was nine thirty and he was supposed to collect his son over an hour ago. He thanked and dismissed her, before standing and beginning to gather his things.

Orion Black had been successful also. He had had money; connections; respect; admiration.

And Orion Black had been a terrible father.

He had been the perfect son.

And Regulus' own son was the perfect son.

And here he was; successful, respected and admired.

And a terrible father just like his own before him.

XXX

Hi Jayc, thanks very much for your review! I try to update as often as I can :). I'm really glad you're enjoying the story and those questions will be answered quite soon.


	16. December 1986: Fathers and Sons

Chapter Fifteen

Malachi Redway had been in awe when he had seen his father's new home that weekend. It was huge; much larger than the house he had lived in before and larger, still, than he house he currently lived in with his mother. He had eagerly set about to find out which of the bedrooms had been allocated to him and was disappointed, though not all that surprised, to find that his room was, in fact, the guest bedroom and was decorated the way that old people would decorate a room; certainly not to his own tastes.

He thought he caught Severus give an unhappy look at his dad when he was shown the room but he didn't really know what it meant. He had been given the guest room in the last house, after all, and his Godfather had never complained.

He had been to Malfoy Manor on occasion; had seen the rooms Draco Malfoy had been given by his parents. A reading room, a play room and a bedroom. He supposed that was because he lived with his mum and his dad; he had his own room at his mum's, after all. He shook his head at himself for being selfish; _'some children don't have rooms of their own at all' _his mother would say, reminding him that he was one of the lucky ones.

One of the lucky ones. His mum said it to him frequently, almost like it was her that wanted to hear it, but he didn't really know what it meant. His mum never explained to him who the _unlucky_ ones were. Maybe the orphans his dad sometimes went to see? His dad saw them a lot; more than he saw _him_. But he was his dad and they didn't have a dad, so many that's what his mum meant.

"Can I go outside?" Malachi asked Severus tentatively.

Severus glanced over at him from his book; "You had best ask your father."

"Where is he?"

Severus glanced at the door, looking irritated, and for a moment Malachi wondered if he was angry at him; "Regulus!" From his tone, he gathered that the annoyance was directed at his father.

"What?" His dad appeared, also looking irritated; he guessed he didn't like being spoken to that way.

Severus raised an eyebrow, indicating in Malachi's direction, and his eyes softened when they met with his. Malachi looked nervously at his dad, who regarded him with some concern;

"You alright, Beansprout?"

"Uh huh," he nodded, "I just wanted to go outside."

"I'm a little busy just now," his dad was kneeling down in front of him, his arm around him as if he was younger than he actually was; "Can you wait until later?"

"It'll be dark soon," he pointed out, "I can go out myself. Mum lets me."

"Does she?"

He nodded.

"Um..." his dad looked at Severus, who shrugged, and then back at him. He gave him a smile that wasn't real; "Well, okay then. If your mum lets you; just stay close to the house, okay?"

He nodded.

Regulus smiled and ruffled his hair; Malachi grinned and hurried past him and out the door, eager to explore the huge garden outside.

XXX

"Are you sure about this?"

She wasn't sure. But after spending the past fortnight trying to convince him that she was, following his less-than-enthusiastic response to the idea, she didn't want to take any steps backwards and admit that she was having doubts about taking Harry to see James.

"Yes, I think it would be best. He's starting to ask questions. I really think he's ready," she said, with a certainty that she didn't feel.

"Lily." His tone was full of concern as he stood from the chair and approached her, "If you're not sure –"

"We've already told Harry. We can't change our minds now."

"I wouldn't be changing my mind," he said, reminding her of their previous conversations, and she found herself becoming irritated as she mused that she never seemed to do anything right by Harry in his eyes anymore; every decision she made was being second guessed and questioned by him. Add to that her son's obvious attachment, even more so to him than to her, and she found herself once again musing on the choice to remain in that house.

"_It would only upset him. We shouldn't be giving him false hope, he doesn't understand, he's just a kid."_

"_He's asking questions. He needs to develop a bond. Remus agrees with me"_

"_What would Remus know about anything?" _

She almost rolled her eyes at the memory, which reminded her that, not only did she not have Sirius' true support in this situation, but that he and Remus still hadn't managed to settle the issues that had arisen from their earlier argument. Judging by Sirius' frequent silences and mood swings over the past few weeks, along with his growing interest in the search for Peter Pettigrew; she guessed that the problems between them would not be solved soon. And with Christmas coming, it was going to be a tense celebration that year.

"Is it time to go?" Harry bounded down the stairs with the typical excitement of a six year old and hurried over to them.

"It's cold out, you better put on your jumper."

"But I wanted to wear this," he looked down at the t-shirt he was wearing; red and gold stripes; "It's like Gryffindor colours. They're his favourites, aren't they?"

Lily smiled, feeling reassured by the keenness Harry was expressing regarding seeing James; following the difficult conversation she had had with him that led to the decision, she had worried that he would be resistant to the idea. Instead, he had agreed eagerly and had been impatient to go ever since.

"If you wear your red one, you can keep the t-shirt on underneath, and then take it off once we arrive at the hospital so he can see it," she suggested, as she pulled on her cloak. He seemed to think on the suggestion for a moment before he nodded and hurried up the stairs to retrieve the item.

"Lily." Sirius was at her side again, speaking quietly, and she gave an irritated sigh as he went on; "Really, I don't think he's ready. What's the point? James can't even –"

"You don't know that, Sirius," she interrupted him.

"Look, I'm worried about you, okay?" he went on, "You're still not dealing with what's going on here; with what's happening with James. And the last thing we need is to bring Harry into –"

She turned around, hissing at him quietly, because they were both wary about raising their voices to one another following the events of last month; "You think I don't know the situation; I do! Pardon me for not giving up as easily as you."

"Easily? It's been five years!"

"I'm ready!"

Lily started at his voice, while Sirius quickly moved away from her, Harry's presence successfully nipping the argument in the bud.

"Are you coming, Uncle Sirius?" Harry was looking at him with a frown, noting that his uncle had not yet donned his cloak. Sirius glanced in her direction for a brief moment before forcing at smile at him;

"Of course I am."

Harry visibly relaxed and broke into a wide smile, before he grabbed Lily by the hand and tugged her towards the door; "Let's go!"

XXX

"Severus, have you seen Malachi?"

He felt strangely agitated, having searched around the house for almost twenty minutes, before finally going out into the garden and still finding no sign of his five year old son.

Severus glanced over at him with enviable calmness, a book held in his hands, completely oblivious to the panic that was currently building up within him. He glanced at his timepiece; "It's almost six. Perhaps he's in the guest room."

"I checked."

"The kitchen? It's almost time for dinner –"

"He's not in the kitchen; he's not in the house!"

"Then logic would suggest he is still outside."

"I checked the garden. I checked the house. I can't find him anywhere!"

"What do you expect me to do, Regulus?" Severus snapped, though he stood regardless of the statement and made his way over to him, speaking with the same disapproving tone he often did when the subject of his family came up; "He is your son; you should be entertaining him on these short visits that you have with him."

"Don't start with that," Regulus snapped, heading towards the door that led out onto the patio, with Severus following close behind; "He went out hours ago; surely he would have come back since."

"Perhaps if you had not invested in such a grandiose property, then your son would be easier to find."

"Severus, spare me the sarcasm!" Regulus felt his agitation increase further at his friend's lack of concern; what if their location had been discovered by the person who had tried to poison him? What if he had come across his son in the garden?

He threw open the doors to the patio, yelling out at nothing; "Malachi!"

Suddenly, a small, frowning face popped up from behind the wall at the far end of the patio; "Uh huh?" he called back, his expression confused.

"Come here!" Regulus snapped and he caught Severus' disapproving look out the corner of his eye, which only heightened the strain on his frayed nerves.

Malachi hurried towards him, obediently, without question.

"Where have you been?" he was almost shouting.

Malachi frowned, looking acceptably baffled at the unexpected anger his father was directing at him; "Just here. In the garden. I told you –"

"I checked the garden; I've been looking for you for almost half an hour! I told you to stay close to the house!"

"I was just there," his lower lip trembled, as he pointed nervously in the direction of where he had just come.

"You've been out here for hours, what have you been doing?"

"Playing."

His son's eyes were glistening now and suddenly the agitation and anger he had been feeling was gone, replaced by guilt and shame. It didn't help that Severus was currently at his side, glaring at him critically. Regulus swallowed and then held out an arm. Malachi looked at it suspiciously for a moment before he stepped in, allowing him to give him an apologetic hug;

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout. I was just worried."

His son said nothing either to accept or reject the apology; only allowed him to hold him until he pulled away. Regulus ruffled his hair; "It's almost time for dinner. Why don't you go and wash up."

XXX

Sometimes he wondered what kind of joke the fates were playing on him by giving him a son. What did he know about being a father? His own was hardly a shining example, nor had his uncle been, so how on earth was he supposed to know what to do. Sometimes he felt as if he were the child; sometimes he would do things, stupid things, like when he dropped a bottle of milk in his face when he was a baby, and Malachi would look at him with a smile and give him a hug, as if he were saying _'it's okay dad. I don't care that you're an idiot'. _

And he was an idiot; at least that's how he felt when he was around his son. He never knew what to say. Never knew what to do with him. Even Severus, who really had no patience for children, was able to entertain him when the occasion called for it; offering him books, allowing him to assist with potions and simply transfiguring stones into objects of his son's choice.

"It is not fair of you to take out your frustrations on your son."

Regulus glanced at Severus but didn't know what to say in response; he couldn't deny that's what he had done. Finding his son gone, possibly in danger, was terrifying and, on reflection, just another example of what a bad job he was doing.

"I'm not very good at this."

"I have noticed." Severus could be a bastard when he wanted to, Regulus thought as he glanced at him, bitterly; though he knew Severus would not be sympathetic before so spoke, so he continued to voice his concerns, regardless of the comment.

"I'm a terrible father."

"True. But only you can change that."

Regulus knew the statement was true; the only person with the ability to change what was happening between himself and his son was him. But the same question always came to mind; "Where do I start?"

"I hear there are books."

"Books? Parenting books?" He almost laughed at the idea; at the imagine of himself sitting in the Foundation Bistro at dinner with a copy of '_What To Expect When You're Expecting'_. He supposed Malachi was past the stage where that particular title would be helpful.

"I'm afraid I know little on the subject of rearing children."

"You do alright with Malachi."

"Entertaining him. I am not raising him. If I was, I would not have allowed him to go out into the grounds unattended."

"Then why didn't you say anything?" Regulus felt himself grow irritated, remembering how he had looked to him for help when Malachi had asked to leave the house.

"Because it is none of my business how you raise your own child, Regulus. The decisions regarding your child's boundaries are your own; unless Evelyn tells you otherwise."

"Yeah, well, I could use some advice on the matter, Sev. You _are _his Godfather."

"I would not want to overstep my boundaries."

"You wouldn't be."

"I do not envy your position, Regulus; raising a child is, I hear, frustrating, exhausting and confusing. That is as far as my knowledge of the subject extends; you would be better asking one of your cousins for help."

"They're not here; you are. I could really use your back-up when he's staying here."

"I do what I can. However, as I said, raising the child is your duty; it is not something I am willing, nor able, to help with. I will continue to entertain him, when the occasion calls for it; discipline, boundaries and being a father – that's your role. This is just something you are just going to have to learn and that is not something you will be able to do if you frequently avoid spending time with him."

Regulus looked away, shame finding him once again, as it often did. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling; he lived with shame every day. But there was something different when it related to Malachi. It was something deeper and more troubling.

Sometimes he felt as if it were easier to repent for what he had done during the war than it was to repent for the wrongs he had committed against his son.

It was easier to bury himself in the Foundation and everything that came along with that because he was making a difference, he knew he was, and he was good at it. But people could go on without him if he failed at that; the organisation could survive.

But Malachi; he was his son. He depended on him completely. It was frightening, particularly considering how terrible he was at it. His chances of failing were higher, more likely.

And then he shook himself with a roll of the eyes because, frankly, he was failing his son now. What else could he possibly do wrong by him?

XXX

Harry released his mother's hand as they reached the door to the room that he knew his father was behind. He didn't want him to think he was a baby, holding his mum's hand like Ginny Weasley did with her mum whenever they went out.

He had butterflies and was hopping from one foot to another impatiently, as he waited to be taken into the room. He felt his mum's hand on his shoulder, and then she was kneeling in front of him, both hands on each of his arms. He frowned, noticing the worried look she was giving him. What was wrong? Were they not going to let him in?

"Harry, you remember what Uncle Sirius and I told you about your dad?" she asked and he felt himself become exasperated because, obviously, he still remembered. They had been telling him constantly for the past couple of weeks; that he can't talk; that it might look like he's not listening, but he is; he can't take your hand, but you can take his.

"Yes," he said, impatiently, "Can we go in?"

The way she was looking at him made him think they weren't. They were just going to stand there, staring at each other, while his dad was just seconds away; his dad. He would finally see him; he would get to talk to him at last.

"You said I could see him!" he finally said, and she nodded, standing up. She and Sirius looked at one another with the same worried looks and then his uncle reached for his hand. Harry squeezed it and then released it quickly; he'd look just as childlike holding his hand as he would his mum's.

Finally, his mum pushed down the handle of the door and walked into the room. Harry shrugged Sirius' hand off of his shoulder as he followed, eagerly. Lily glanced back at him and gave him a small smile, before she sat down on the bed next to the figure that lay still beneath the covers.

Harry stared at him. The stranger stared back; his eyes seeming to look directly at him but not see him, looking through him.

"James," his mother was saying, "Sirius and I brought someone to see you." She glanced back at Harry again and reached out a hand towards him.

He hesitated, his eyes remaining on the still figure, then felt Sirius' hand gently press to his back, and slowly made his way to his mother's side. Her arm came up around his shoulders and, forgetting his earlier wish to appear grown up, he leaned into her, surprised how much better he felt to be close to her.

The figure wasn't quite staring at him anymore; he was staring towards the side of him, down towards the floor, at nothing.

"Harry, this is Dad," his mum whispered, squeezing his shoulder.

"Looks just like you, doesn't he, Prongs?"

Harry frowned at the statement; looking more closely at the man in front of him. He didn't think he looked like him. This man didn't even look like the man in the pictures. Where were his glasses?

"How come he doesn't have his glasses on?" Harry asked, quietly. But then he thought that wouldn't make a difference to the comparison between the two of them, because _he _didn't wear glasses either. But his dad did. He knew from the pictures; "Where are they?"

"He doesn't need them right now, Sweetheart."

"But his eyes are open. Can't he see?"

His mum's arm tightened around him and she kissed him on the side of the head; "Do you want him to put his glasses on? They're right here." His mum's hands were shaking when they reached towards a drawer on the nightstand and her movements made his dad's body move on the bed and his gaze was directed straight at him again. Harry quickly pushed away the sudden urge to cry; he wouldn't cry. He was six. He wouldn't let his dad see him cry.

Lily leaned back from the drawer, a pair of glasses he recognised from the photographs in her hand. She gave them to him, "You can put them on, if you like."

Harry looked down at the glasses, biting his lip, before he shook his head and handed them back to her; "You do it," he whispered. She did as he asked, leaning up and slipping them on, and he suddenly looked more like the man he recognised from the pictures but that only made him feel worse.

"Smart kid you've got there, Prongs. Me and Lily didn't even think to put them on you."

Harry felt himself become irritated at his Uncle Sirius' statement; why was he saying that? Why was he saying anything? This was stupid. He felt the prickle of tears in his eyes again.

"He is; top of his class, isn't that right?" his mum was speaking with a cheerfulness that she obviously didn't feel and he felt his irritation grow; both of them were treating him like a baby and there was a stranger staring at him and he wanted to cry.

"Great on a broom as well. Takes it after you; tell him Harry," his Uncle Sirius said.

Harry drew in a trembling breath, looking at the man they were telling him was his dad, but couldn't find the words.

"Harry," his mum was whispering in the voice she always had when she was worried about him.

"He's not usually this shy, mate. Maybe if you quit your staring he'll say something."

Joking. That was too much. Harry turned sharply and looked up at him, his eyes glistening with tears that he could no longer hold back, and the smile on his uncle's face, which he was sure wasn't real in the first place, crumbled and he was looking at Harry so sadly he almost couldn't speak. But he did; "Why are you talking like that? He can't help it!"

"Harry –"

"You're talking to him like he can talk. You keep telling me he can't talk, so why are you talking like he can?"

Both his mum's arms were around him now, both of them facing in Sirius' direction rather than the man in the bed, and he felt better to not be looking at him anymore but was still agitated because he knew he was behind him.

"Harry, I'm sorry. Sometimes it's easier to pretend that he can," Sirius said, which didn't make any sense.

"Why are you pretending? It's not a game."

"Harry," his mum's hand was stroking his head and he felt like he was going to start crying, for real, not just the tears that were beginning to spill out and he looked at her desperately;

"I wanna go home."

And suddenly his mum was on her feet, and he was in her arms, and she was struggling to lift him but she didn't put him down until they were back in the corridor. When the door slammed shut behind them, he burst into tears against her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," his mum murmured against him, over and over, as she held him close, and he heard her crying as if she was trying to stop herself. He didn't understand why; how could she not cry? He had never felt more like crying in his life. And then he felt Sirius kneel down beside them and his hand stroking his hair.

He sobbed against his mum like he hadn't done since he was little, really little. And he wondered if his dad could hear him through the door and then realised he didn't care and that it didn't matter because his dad wasn't there. That wasn't his dad; his dad was gone.

Why didn't his mum and his uncle see that?

XXX

Thanks, Jayc, for your review! I'm really glad you enjoy the humour between Severus and Lily and Regulus, they were fun passages to write.


	17. December 1986: Kiss and Tell

Chapter Sixteen

Harry stared at the picture of his father that was framed and sitting atop of the chest of drawers to the right of his bed. It was the middle of the night but the moonlight shined on it, letting him see the outline of James Potter's face. He drew in a shaky breath, feeling nervous and upset as he looked at it, and thought it was silly because that picture had been sitting in the same spot since before he could remember and he had barely even noticed it.

It was almost frightening to him now. Which was silly as well. How could a picture be scary?

And he glanced away, trying not to look at it again. But that didn't help, because when he looked into the darkness and couldn't see anything before him the image of the stranger in the hospital bed, staring straight through him, appeared in his mind and that was worse.

He curled up in his bed, his eyes open; he didn't want to sleep. The last time he slept he had seen him again. He couldn't stop seeing him and remembering him. This man they said was his father and squeezed his eyes shut as a tear slipped down his cheek and he once again wished with everything he had that his Uncle Sirius was his father and that the whole thing that had happened was just a silly joke. He didn't want him; he didn't want James Potter.

What had happened to him? Could that happen to him too? To his mum? To his uncles?

Dead but not.

He wanted to see Ron and ask him what he thought, because his mum and Uncle Sirius hadn't been helpful when they had gotten home, simply telling him the same things he had heard over and over.

He found his eyes drawn back to the picture again and agitatedly threw his duvet from himself and jumped down from the bed, bravely approaching it. When he reached it he grabbed it and stared at it, closely, his eyes straining in the darkness.

They were always saying that he looked like him. That he was just like him. But as he peered at the picture he didn't see it; he didn't want to see it. The man in the picture didn't even look the same as the man he had seen yesterday. As the man in the picture moved and glanced repeatedly in his direction he felt uneasy again and turned the picture away from him, holding it upside down.

He clutched it tightly, his eyes scanning the room frantically, before he hurried over to the bookcase. Kneeling down, he clutched the picture in one hand and wiggled his arm through the small gap between the corner of the wall and the side of the bookcase until he felt his hand hit the back wall. With a guilty glance at the picture through the gaps of the books on the shelves, he opened his hand and let the frame fall. He winced at the soft smashing sound of the glass and withdrew his hand quickly.

He stood up and backed away, suddenly feeling shameful, before he turned and hurried back into bed; as much shame as he felt, he also felt a weight lift and a relief settle over him that he wouldn't have to look at the face again.

XXX

"It was like he was dead."

Lily winced at the statement, glancing in the direction of the door to the room where her son was talking to Remus.

"He's still there. He just can't –"

"Uncle Sirius once said that his soul was gone. He was right. Why does he speak to him when he knows he's not there?"

Lily walked away from the doorway, lifting a dish and beginning to dry it with an old but never-before used dish towel. They were more for show in the house as it was far easier to just flick her wand and have the cleaning up dealt with but, often, when she found herself becoming restless or distressed about something it helped to do things the muggle way. Do some dishes, get out the vacuum cleaner or polish the surfaces. Sirius used to look at her like she was crazy the first few times she had done it but, by now, he was accustomed to it.

It was a form of pretending. Pretending that everything was normal. That she was normal. That her life was normal. She rarely wished for that, of course. At times like those she would think of Petunia, living a completely separate life with her husband and her own son; a life free of the war, the prejudices, the troubles, the loss. She envied her, sometimes. Not often. But sometimes.

It had been a few days since she had taken Harry to see James. He hadn't spoken about it since that night. He had barely spoken at all. Sirius had assured her that he would be fine; that he would get over the shock and would be able to deal with it better the next time.

If there would be a next time.

Harry hadn't asked to return and she wasn't sure if she wanted to take the risk of a repeat the past weekend's disaster. Her decision to take him hadn't been for his benefit; it had been selfish. It was _her_ who had wanted that bond, her who insisted that James was his father and that he couldn't think of any other in that role. Would he even want to go back after what had happened? Was it fair to try and force a bond with James? To accept James as his father when there was a chance he might never return?

She released a shuddering breath, in her mind taking back the consideration, as she was once again shaken by the fact that James was slipping further away. In her mind, at least. How often had she thought that recently? That he wouldn't return? She felt a lump in her throat and a guilty jolt at the thought; she had promised to never give up.

The door to the kitchen creaked open and she turned as Remus offered a smile and walked into the room. She put down the items she was holding; "How is he?"

"A little confused. But he'll be fine," Remus said, reassuringly.

She gave him a small smile as a means of thanking him and lowered her eyes. She felt his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently; "What about you?"

She raised her eyes to glance at him, then shrugged and looked away; "I'm fine." She walked by him, into the living room, glancing around and finding no sight of Harry, before she took a seat on the couch. A moment later she felt Remus sit down next to her.

"You're not fine. You don't have to act like you are."

She gave a humourless smile, clasping her hands together, "That's one of the things Harry got so upset about when we took him. That Sirius and I were pretending everything was okay; that James could hear us; that he knew what we were saying." She shrugged; "Harry doesn't think he can."

"Do you?"

She was silent for a moment; not certain how to respond to the question. Before she glanced over and met his eyes. She shook her head; "I don't know anymore."

He held her look a moment, his eyes full of understanding and compassion, before he reached for her hand, squeezing it gently; "It's okay, Lily."

"No," she shook her head, looking away from him, "No, it's not okay, Remus. I...I made a promise to myself, to Harry that..."

"I know. But you can't keep holding on, waiting around for something that may never happen. Look at how it's affecting you; how it's affecting Harry. You can't go on like this."

She swallowed, looking down, taking her hand from his and clasping her own back together; "What if I can't, Remus...what if I can't stop?" It came out quieter, more unsure than she had expected. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

"You can," he said, with a certainty that she almost believed him, "You will. But first, you just have to be willing to let go."

She thought on what he had said a moment, uncertainly, almost frightened at the idea of letting it go. After all this time, what did she have, what would she do if she were to let go of that hope? The hope that one day she would get her family back. Everything she had done, everything she was doing was for James. She drew in a breath before she spoke; "I don't know if I want to."

She caught Remus nod out the corner of her eye and then felt his arm wrap around her shoulder and she leaned into him, allowing herself to seek the comfort she had craved since all the troubles with Harry and Sirius had started.

"It'll be okay."

She sighed before she drew back, looking up at him; "And what about you, Remus?"

He frowned slightly, looking down at her, "What about me?"

"When are you going to let go?"

He looked confused for a moment, before his eyes cleared in realisation and he averted his eyes, "That's different."

"Yes," she agreed, "With Sirius you still have a chance to make things right."

"Maybe I don't want that."

"But why wouldn't you? You say holding onto James is damaging to me; look at what this grudge you're holding towards Sirius is doing to you."

"It's not the same thing," he insisted, though his eyes were sad when they returned to hers, "I trusted him. He betrayed me. That's where it ends."

"It doesn't have to."

"You don't understand, Lily," he shook his head, "I mean, how could you? Look at me, I'm...I'm a..." he looked away, "I've never been proud of what I am. And I've always known that I would be...judged. But it was different with them; James and Sirius," he hesitated, adding almost reluctantly, "And Peter. They accepted me; at least, I thought they did."

"They did," she touched his shoulder, and he glanced at her, "We all did."

He gave a humourless smile; "Not completely though. I was completely loyal to you, all of you; I would have died before I'd let anything happen to any of you. But in the end it didn't matter; all that mattered was what I was. What I am."

"Remus, no one thinks that," she sighed, "We were just scared. We made a really bad, a really _stupid_ decision. And it cost us James."

"It was Sirius who –"

"No," she said, quickly stopping him, "No, it wasn't. It was all of us," she looked at him, remorsefully, "I'm so sorry." His eyes seemed to soften, so she went on; "So is Sirius."

He only looked at her for a moment before he averted his eyes.

"I'm worried about him, Remus."

He sighed, keeping his eyes focused on the corner of the room.

"He's distant. Withdrawn. Ever since Peter escaped from Azkaban he's been pulling away," she leaned forward, encouraging him to look at her, "I'm scared he's going to do something. Something really stupid."

"Something, like, go after him? It's bound to happen sooner or later. The aurors haven't made any progress and it's been weeks."

"Going after him is one thing; what he does if he finds him is another. He could end up in Azkaban if he kills him; or, worse, he could end up dead if Peter..."

He glanced at her, before he shrugged, and she felt herself grow frustrated:

"Remus, you could talk to him. He must...he probably feels like he's alone in this. If you and he could finally resolve your differences –"

"I need more time, Lily."

"Five years isn't enough time?"

He looked at her with an ironic raise of the eyebrow and she shook her head, averting her eyes.

"He won't listen if it's just me. I'm really scared for him, Remus."

When he didn't respond she turned and glanced up at him. He held her look, looking at her strangely for a moment, before he sighed, surrendering; "I'll talk to him."

She smiled; "Thank you."

He shrugged, glancing down. He suddenly looked lonelier than she had ever seen him and, feeling a swell of love and compassion for her close friend, she reached for his hand.

"Remus, you have to stop thinking about what happened. You have to let it go, because it's making you believe things that aren't true."

"Like what?" he met her eyes.

"That we still judge you based on that; that we _ever _judged you based on that. I've never looked at you and seen that side of you. I know who you are; you're a good man."

He held her look, a vulnerability in his eyes that he rarely showed; "To be honest, coming from you...well, it's hardly reassuring. You always see the best in people."

"That's not entirely true," she said, pensively, Severus suddenly coming to mind at his statement. He came to mind a lot, she realised, before she found Remus looking at her searchingly and she quickly pushed thoughts of Severus away.

"It's pretty obvious to see with you, Remus," she spoke with a lighter tone now, "I mean you're a big softie –"

"A softie?" He raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly, "Thanks."

She chuckled, "It _is _meant as a compliment. I mean, look how good you are with Harry. He loves you so much. You're so patient, so much more than Sirius and I. And you're kind and reliable; you're always there when he needs you. When _I _need you." She looked at him with a small smile, "I don't know what I would have done without you these past five years."

It was meant as a declaration of friendship, though she would reflect back later and realise how her words may how sounded; how they could have been taken and how, it seemed, they _were _taken. Because Remus held her eyes a little longer than necessary, with a look he had never given her, and a look she hadn't received in a very long time and before she could really comprehend where she had seen it before and what it meant, Remus' lips were on hers.

XXX

"_What?"_

Lily glanced at Julia over her coffee, blushing with embarrassment.

"Are you serious? Oh my God! Why would he do that?"

"I don't know!" Lily burst out, before shaking her head and pressing the palm of her hand to her face, "I mean, we've had conversations like that before but never, _never _has it even come close to –" she cut off and shook her head, unable to repeat what she had just told her.

Julia was laughing with devilish delight at her predicament and Lily felt her face burning as she glanced around the cafe at the various occupants who were making surreptitious glances in their direction.

"So?" Julia finally managed to choke out, as she attempted to regain her breath.

"So?" Lily reiterated, with a confused frown.

"So..." Julia was grinning widely, "What was it like?"

Lily rolled her eyes at the juvenile question, suddenly feeling like she was back at Hogwarts, before she stated the only word that could possibly describe the feelings the kiss had evoked; "Incest, Julia."

Julia appeared to lose the tiny bit of self-control she had restored previously and fell into another fit of laughter, as Lily reasserted;

"It was like incest."

"Oh!" Julia pressed a hand to her chest, bubbles of laughter continuing to erupt from her, "Oh, poor Remus!"

"Poor Remus, indeed," Lily rolled her eyes and lifted her coffee mug to her lips, taking a sip, trying not to laugh as Julia continued giggling.

She had never been more thankful to have Julia as a friend; she could never have spoken to Sirius about what had happened and the horror she had felt when she had realised that yes, Remus was, in fact, kissing her and had almost leapt from the couch like a jumping jack when her senses had confirmed it.

"Are you alright?" Julia asked, with no concern whatsoever, as she continued to giggle with unabashed delight.

Lily rolled her eyes but couldn't help a grin that tugged at her lips; "I'm fine. Thanks for your concern."

"I do hope he was gentle, it must have been a while," Julia said, tightly, through giggles, making Lily blush a deeper shade of pink.

"Okay, let's change the subject," Lily said, suddenly not so keen to discuss the whole thing, if it meant she was going to have to relive the actual moment it had happened.

She wondered how she could face Remus again, after this, remembering how she had quickly insisted he leave and rushed off to 'tend to Harry' – a ridiculous excuse to run from the room, but she wasn't thinking correctly at the time.

If she _had _been, she would have realised the sensible thing to do would have been to calmly ask him what the hell he thought he was doing and explain the boundaries of their friendship and he would apologise and dismiss the whole thing and they would laugh and, afterwards, it would be if it had never happened.

But _now _there was only the promise of awkwardness and an uncomfortable secret she had to keep from Sirius if he happened to notice it.

But she supposed that, at least, her thoughts regarding the incident had been made perfectly clear to him and she suddenly felt guilty that she had rejected him so forcefully. So juvenilely. That would hardly do anything for his self-esteem.

"Do you think that he's always..." Julia let the remark trail off and Lily glanced at her, feeling incredibly uncomfortable at the idea.

"No," she said, as she shook her head, "No, I'm sure it was all just...'in the moment'. That sort of thing."

Julia was grinning again, "Isn't it funny how one person can be completely in the moment, when the other person really isn't feeling it?"

"No, funny it was not," Lily said, swallowing nervously, "Besides, I had no idea that's what he was thinking."

"You seem nervous," Julia stated, looking at her carefully, "Guilty, even."

Lily lowered her eyes, unconsciously glancing in the direction of her wedding ring, and she heard Julia sigh.

"It's okay, Lily. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes, I know," she nodded, lifting her head and sitting straighter, as if to assert that she had nothing to be ashamed of, "It was so brief. In fact, it was barely a kiss."

Julia offered a small smile, before she went on hesitantly, "No...I mean, yes that may have been the case but..." she was looking at her carefully, "Well, you know if you _did _kiss him back. It's nothing to feel guilty about or ashamed of."

"I have a husband," Lily said, though it sounded weaker than she intended, and she went on more assertively, "And Remus is one of his best friends."

"Well...okay, yes. He is. I...suppose that makes it questionable," Julia conceded, before she went on, "But, if it had been someone else. And you had wanted it," Julia tilted her head at her, "It wouldn't be a bad thing, Lily."

Lily avoided her eyes and wished she could just as easily avoid the direction the conversation was taking; "I've...never kissed anyone since James."

"A dry spell if ever there was one," Julia raised an eyebrow, "So you haven't..." she looked at her, appraisingly.

"No!" Lily blushed, "How could I? I'm –"

"Married," Julia nodded, though her expression seemed to suggest she thought otherwise, "But...well, didn't you say that you and Remus were talking about moving on? He was telling you to let go. He's not all wrong there. Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you," she added, hastily, with a grin.

Lily chuckled and shook her head, "It's not something I can just _do _out of nowhere, Jules."

"I know," Julia looked at her sympathetically, "Look, I can't even beginning to know what you're going through." She paused and then smiled, "But you're a great person, Lily. It's...it's just ashame to see you so...closed off."

"Closed off?"

"You know, to the idea of moving on. Of...maybe finding someone else."

Lily held her look for a moment, contemplating what she was saying. Was she telling her to give up? To cut her loses and move on?

Find someone else. It was almost incomprehensible to her. And, to be honest, she really didn't think she had the energy to go through it all again. Meeting someone new. Letting herself be vulnerable. Insecurities about whether or not feelings were returned. Where the relationship was going. Yes, she remembered it all very well; it was one of the most draining experiences ever.

"I...I haven't ever thought about finding anyone else."

"Well, you never will if you hold on to this..." Julia shrugged, not able to put the situation into words, "I just think that you're, what, twenty six years old? And, if you look at the bigger picture, you've still got your whole life ahead of you," she paused until Lily met her eyes, "It's a long time to be alone."

Lily glanced away from her, avoiding the temptation to remind Julia that she, also, was alone and she seemed pretty happy, so life couldn't be all that bad without a man around. Instead she nibbled on her bottom lip, catching it between her teeth, before she responded;

"Like you said, I've still got my whole life. I've got time."

"Maybe you'll find someone at the Gala next week," Julia winked.

"Did you manage to get the night off?" Lily eagerly accepted the chance to change the topic of conversation.

"I did," her friend grinned, "I wouldn't miss this for the world. There are some pretty impressive people at your work; people whose acquaintance I should like to continue."

"Such as?" Lily raised her eyebrow.

"Wouldn't you like to know," Julia said, with mock coyness, "Though I shall never forgive you for not introducing me to Severus Snape at the last event."

"I barely saw him myself."

"Oh really?"

"Well, not at the party."

Julia was looking at her with a twinkle in her eyes; "I seem to remember the two of you emerging together from the make-out maze."

"The '_make-out maze'_?" Lily repeated, "No one calls it that."

"Well, its uses are rather well known," Julia stated, grinning.

"We both entered separately and came across one another accidently."

"Well, try not to keep him all to yourself this time," Julia's eyes were sparkling and Lily found herself blushing for no valid reason.

"I hardly keep him to myself. You are welcome to him."

She didn't know why but she regretted saying it the moment the words escaped her. But she pushed aside, what she assumed to be, her juvenile possessiveness of her old friend and smiled as she remembered a particularly amusing comment he had made the evening before when they had dined in the Bistro.

"Can't wait."

XXX

Author's Note: I apologise for any trauma this chapter may have caused :P Although it is probably obvious after the Lily and Julia conversation, I just wanted to quickly assure people that this _is _a Lily/Severus pairing story and there will be no stop-over of any kind with Remus (or Sirius, as I know readers have been concerned about that also). This was all for Lily's development, nothing to do with romance. I avoid love triangles like the plague – James is a canon accident that I can't escape and is the only other person that will ever be between them.

Also, apologies for the lack of Severus and I hereby promise there _will _be Severus and Lily scenes in the next chapter to make up for it.

Review Response:

Terryl: Hi! It's so nice to hear from you! I hope you're having an amazing time on the cruise. Is my jealously noticeable? Hehe. I'm glad you're enjoying the family dynamics. Hopefully Malachi's character will begin to shine through as different from Harry's as he becomes more involved in the story. Thanks for reviewing! I know using the internet and writing on phones can be a pain.

Jayc: Hi! Like you said, it is a bit easier for Harry to let go, since he's never had a relationship with James and hasn't really experienced any loss as of yet. Thanks very much for your review, I appreciate your comments.


	18. December 1986: Let The Games Begin

Chapter Seventeen

"Is Uncle Remus staying here tonight?"

"Get down from there." Lily agitatedly swatted a hand at her son, who was sitting on top of one of the counters in the kitchen; "Yes, he is. If your Uncle Sirius doesn't get home until late."

"Why? Where's Uncle Sirius?" He approached where she was sitting at the table, finishing applying her makeup for the evening.

"I believe there was a case that the Ministry wished to speak with him about," she said, one eye closed as she brushed over the lid with a makeup brush.

Harry frowned; "What did they want to talk to him about? Is he in trouble?"

Lily smiled at him, reassuringly, "No, Sweetheart. They just needed some information on someone they're trying to find."

Harry glanced over her, appraisingly, "You look nice."

Lily's smile widened, "Thank you."

"How come I can't come to the party?" he asked, frowningly, "I like parties."

"It's not that kind of a party. This one is just for grownups," she stated, with a sympathetic look at his disappointment, "But you have a Christmas Party at school soon, don't you?"

"On Tuesday, when school stops. How come I have to go to muggle school? Ron doesn't."

"Because you're learning important things there –"

"Muggle things."

Lily glanced at him sharply, "Yes, they may be things that muggles learn but they are useful to wizards also. Even wizards need to learn how to read and write."

"We do more than that. We do maths too. And history –"

"You see; it is good for you. And sometimes the ways muggle do things are more efficient."

"Like what?"

Lily hesitated a moment, trying to think of an example, when he spoke again:

"Muggles have television."

She grinned, glancing in his direction; "Yes, that's right. So do we," she indicated through into the other room, where their television that was rarely ever used was sitting in the corner.

A knock at the door indicated Remus' arrival and, as Harry eagerly ran to the door to greet him, she nervously brushed down her dress and began packing away her cosmetic bag, attempting to still her nerves. She and Remus hadn't yet spoken since he had kissed her the previous week and she was uncertain of how the first conversation would go since then. She was only grateful that his lack of contact meant that he had obviously accepted that nothing more would come of the incident.

"Can we watch television tonight?" Harry was saying to Remus, as the two of them entered the kitchen.

"If you like," Remus was smiling, though it seemed to tighten a little when she met his eyes and then he glanced away, looking sheepish, before he nodded; "Hi Lily."

"Hello Remus," she forced a smile in response and stood, continuing to tidy up the mess on the table; "Thank you so much for doing this," she said, avoiding his eyes, "It really was quite unexpected when Sirius was called away."

"Oh, it's no problem," he said, quickly, "I'm happy to do it."

"I got a new board game!" Harry announced, tugging on Remus' sleeve, "We can play it before we watch the television. I'll go and get it!" He hurried from the room, leaving them alone.

She kept her eyes lowered as she moved around the kitchen, feeling Remus' eyes follow her every move. After a few breaths that indicated he wanted to speak, he finally did;

"Lily."

"Hmm?" she picked up the dish towel and began drying some already-dry plates that were on the rack next the sink.

"Um...Lily, can I talk to you?" he stepped in next to her and she forced herself to look up at him. She forced another smile and indicated with a hand that he should continue.

"Look, I was...out of line with...what I did," he said, looking sheepish as he did, "I'm really sorry."

"Oh," she looked away, waving a hand dismissively, "It's okay, Remus."

"Really?"

"Yes. Well...I mean, I suppose it wasn't but, you know, we're okay," she was speaking quickly, nervously.

"Oh. Well, good. I mean, if you're sure?"

"Yes, I am. Really. We can just forget it ever happened."

"Oh, okay."

A silence fell over the two of them, as they stood side by side, tensely, neither of them really moving. She drew in a breath and risked a glance at him and, feeling her eyes on him, he looked down and met her eyes. The two of them held one another's look for a moment before she cracked a small smile. He looked surprised for a second, before a smile spread across his face and then, suddenly, they were laughing and shaking their heads at their own awkwardness.

"I really am sorry, Lily," he insisted, through their laughter, "I honestly don't know what came over me."

"It's okay, you...you don't have to explain," she held up a hand, stopping him with a smile, "Really. We don't have to make it into this big thing."

"Oh good," he nodded, "Good. I...I hoped it wouldn't change anything."

"No," she shook her head, "No, it doesn't. Like I said, we can just pretend it never happened."

"Good," he nodded, with an embarrassed smile, "Good."

A knock sounded at the door, before it was promptly opened;

"Lily?" Julia's voice called out.

"Kitchen," she called back, before turning back to Remus and giving him a friendly smile; "And thanks again for taking Harry tonight."

"Like I said, I'm happy to do it."

"Hey Remus!" Julia smiled brightly as she walked into the room, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

"Hello Julia," Remus smiled at her, "You look very nice tonight."

Julia cocked an eyebrow at him, before addressing Lily; "What a gentleman."

"Oh indeed? He never complimented me on my appearance," she teased, and Remus looked caught off guard before he grinned, shyly;

"Of course, you look very nice too, Lily."

"Where's Harry?" Julia gave the room a quick once-over.

"Upstairs digging out a new board game that Sirius has been spoiling him with."

"Ah. Well, I'll just pop upstairs and say hello –"

"Julia!" Harry hurried into the room, quickly handing the game he was holding to Remus, and jumped into Julia's arms with a bright smile.

"Hey, little man," she spun him around, "Spending the night with your uncles, are you?"

"Uncle Sirius is busy."

"Busy?" Julia widened her eyes dramatically, eliciting a giggle from him, "Well, I suppose you'll just have to make to most of that boring old fart not being around, won't you?"

Harry chuckled; "Uncle Sirius isn't boring."

"Oh, and here I was thinking he sent you to bed at eight o' clock."

"Only on school nights. Mum and Uncle Remus make me go to bed then too."

Julia shot Lily a mock look of disgust and rolled her eyes, before she plopped Harry back down to the floor; "We'll have to arrange a play date just you and me sometime. I could fill a whole book with pranks that kids your age love to pull. I'll show you a _real _good time."

"Please stop corrupting my son," Lily raised an eyebrow at her, before leaning down to give Harry a kiss, "Take no notice of Julia. Be good for Uncle Remus tonight; I don't want to hear of any mischief."

Harry nodded, obediently, though grinned when he glanced in Julia's direction, as Lily addressed Remus.

"I shouldn't be too late."

"No need to rush home. We'll be fine," Remus smiled, putting a hand on her son's shoulder.

Lily smiled in response; glad that the two of them had successfully dispelled any awkwardness that may have lingered between them.

XXX

"I hear that you will be joining us at Malfoy Manor for Christmas this year."

Severus nodded the affirmative at Evelyn's statement, taking a drink from his glass; "Yes. I spent Christmas at Hogwarts last year. It is not something I am keen to repeat."

She smiled in response; "Well, I'm sure children cannot be all that unbearable. Malachi is rather fond of you. As is Draco Malfoy, from what Narcissa has told me."

He waved a dismissive hand; "That is different. Malachi is my Godson and Draco is the son of close friends. The children at Hogwarts are also significantly older and are all keen to assert their own individuality in a way that is insufferable and troublesome and I find myself spending more time disciplining than I do teaching."

She gave a demure smile and glanced around the ballroom, the atmosphere of which was becoming livelier as time went on and the band began to play.

"Did you enter for anything in the silent auction?"

"No," Severus shook his head, "I do not enter the competitions put on by the Foundation. I am certain if there is ever something that would appeal to me it will be some sort of hoax that Regulus has set up with the very intention of mortifying me in a very public way."

Evelyn laughed, softly, rolling her eyes; "You two. You are like children yourselves."

"It is Regulus who is the child; I have little option but to respond as such when faced with him."

He noticed her eyebrows raise with interest and glanced in the direction she was looking; Lily Potter was walking into the room, talking animatedly with a woman he didn't recognise.

"Is that Lily Potter?"

Severus glanced at her, sharply, with a frown; "You know her?"

"No." She was looking at him with a slight smile; "But Regulus has told me about her. You and she are good friends, he said?"

"Is that all he said?" Severus deadpanned, fully aware that Regulus would have relayed whatever nonsense their colleagues had been gossiping about the past few weeks.

"I should like to meet her."

Severus looked at her suspiciously, before he indicated with his hand that she should go and introduce herself. She raised an eyebrow at his bad manners and he rolled his eyes, holding out an arm to her, and made his way towards Lily and her companion, reluctantly, wondering if his approach would encourage more incessant interest and assumptions from those present.

Lily turned, catching his eye as he drew closer, and her expression brightened in recognition; "Severus!" The woman next to her spun around, expression full of interest, and he found himself smiling at the look of genuine pleasure in Lily's expression at seeing him.

"Lily, hello," he nodded, inclining his head in Evelyn's direction; "This is Evelyn Redway, she wished to meet you. Evelyn, Lily Potter."

The two of them smiled, shook hands, exchanged pleasantries, while Severus found the woman at Lily's side looking at him appraisingly with a slight smile, before Lily spoke again;

"This is my friend, Julia Bradbury. Jules, this is –"

"Professor Snape," the woman, Julia, interrupted, with a wide smile and held her hand out to him. Severus nodded, taking her hand in his.

"Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bradbury."

"Please, call me Julia. I've heard so much about you. You invented the vaccination for Dragon Pox."

Severus felt himself redden at the admiration in her tone and expression, finding no words available to graciously respond, and only nodded in confirmation.

Julia appeared disarmed by his lack of response, glancing at Lily questioningly for a moment, before she turned back with another smile; "Lily tells me that you've really been helping her a lot with work. What with her skipping her internship and everything. A life saver, apparently."

Severus smiled and shook his head, dismissively, "I have guided her somewhat. But she is too modest; I am sure she would have coped well enough without any help."

An awkward silence descended over them and Severus found himself wishing he hadn't approached.

XXX

"So Sirius returned the money?" Narcissa raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"Almost immediately. Apparently he was offended that I was parading my wealth over him; the bottom line, he told me to shove it. I will probably put it into the Learning Centre; perhaps allow for some educational trips."

"Speaking of which, we shall have to look for another Childcare Supporter," Andromeda stated, adding, "Abigail Yates handed in her notice this morning."

"Excellent timing; right after the Christmas bonuses have all been sent out," Regulus raised an eyebrow, sharing a disapproving look with his eldest cousin.

"Now, you two, no business tonight," Narcissa said, disapprovingly, before her attention was drawn to something over his shoulder; "I see Severus is occupied."

Regulus and Andromeda glanced in the direction she indicated, where Severus stood surrounded by Evelyn, a woman he didn't recognise and, not at all surprisingly, Lily Potter. He grinned, sharing a knowing look with Andie, which piqued his other cousin's interest.

"What was that?"

"What?" Regulus forced a frown, though his lips couldn't help turning upwards slightly.

"That look you two just shared?" She glanced between them, curiously, with a slight smile, eager to hear what the two were being secretive about.

Andromeda smiled, shaking her head, and looked down, clearly not wanting to engage in the gossiping ways that their employees had been so eager to partake in over the past few weeks.

Regulus, on the other hand, was not so reserved; "Well, there is talk going on right now within the Foundation about Sev's particular interest in a young lady within the faculty."

Narcissa appeared to be stunned speechless for a moment, eyes wide, before her brows lowered and she glanced in the man in question's direction; "Severus? Really?"

Regulus laughed; "Yes, that has been most people's reaction. Hence all the interest."

"Which of the two young ladies do you mean?" Narcissa was glancing between Lily Potter and the brunette that he hadn't yet met.

"The red head," he stated, not sure if Narcissa would remember Lily from Hogwarts.

Narcissa glanced at her, looking her up and down, before she seemed to shrug, approvingly, then glanced in Regulus' direction with a small smile; "I thought it was against employee regulations to engage in a relationship with a work colleague?"

"Yes," Regulus confirmed, before he grinned, "Isn't it scandalous?"

Andromeda chuckled and shook her head; "You should not listen to the gossip of the employees; you know how this place is."

"Well, yes," Narcissa nodded, before turning questioning eyes on Regulus; "Though if Severus _was _taking an interest in someone, you would know better than anyone else."

Regulus' grin widened, though he wouldn't give anything away; "That I would."

"Do you know her?"

"I know of her. It's Lily Potter."

Narcissa looked at him sharply; "James Potter's wife?"

"James Potter's widow," Regulus clarified, "He's been comatose for five years."

"Regulus." Andromeda sent him a reproachful look, glancing around them carefully.

Regulus shrugged, the fact being true after all, but said no more.

Narcissa was watching Severus with a slight smile, as Mrs Potter smiled and spoke with him animatedly, and Regulus noted the way she would occasionally touch his arm as she spoke, the way she would laugh at whatever comment he said and the way that Severus would smile, delighted with himself that he had managed to accomplish that. Regulus rolled his eyes, wondering if Severus was aware of how he looked and how it was no wonder that people were talking.

"It would be good for Severus if he were to find someone," Narcissa remarked, apparently approving of what she had seen, as she turned her attention back to them, "He must be lonely."

"Lonely? Why would he be lonely?" Regulus scoffed, "He lives with me."

"Well there are certain things, certain comforts, that only a lady can provide," Andromeda pointed out with a smile, causing Narcissa to blush and lower her eyes.

Regulus chuckled at his cousin's embarrassment, glancing in Severus direction; "Yes, I suppose that is true. He tends to shun any offers of those sorts of...comforts," he glanced in Narcissa's direction teasingly, noticing her blush deepen and chuckled again, sharing an amused glance with Andromeda.

"Severus is a gentleman," Narcissa asserted, much to their amusement, "Though it may come as a surprise to you, Regulus, some men are capable of controlling themselves when it comes to such things."

"Now, Cissy, don't pretend to know anything about my sex life," he spoke frankly, with a grin, furthering his cousin's discomfort and laughed as she shook her head and rolled her eyes at his comment.

After a moment, he went on; "But I agree, it would be good for him to have some female company."

"That is not what I meant, Regulus," Narcissa glared at him, "I meant –"

"I know what you meant, dear cousin," he grinned, looking in Severus' direction mischievously. He caught Evelyn's eye and smiled, lifting his hand in a wave. She returned the gesture, garnering the attention of the rest of her group, as Severus, Lily and the brunette glanced in his direction. Severus inclined his head in acknowledgement.

Regulus glanced over at Narcissa and Andromeda, "Shall we?"

"You two go ahead, I see Ted is trying to get my attention," Andromeda indicated in the direction of her husband, before heading in that direction.

Regulus held out an arm to his cousin, which she took and she fell into a slow walk beside him. He spoke lowly; "It would be nice for Severus to take his new interest for a spin on the dance floor, wouldn't you think?"

Narcissa smiled in amusement; "Severus never dances."

"Work with me," he spoke close to her ear, before they reached their destination.

XXX

Severus could tell that Regulus was up to something the moment he had spotted him approach from the other side of the room.

Regulus smiled widely as he reached them; "Sev. Are you going to introduce us to your friends?"

Severus glanced at Lily; "Well, you remember Lily Potter; Lily this is Regulus Black and Narcissa Malfoy. And Lily's friend, Julia Bradbury," Severus paused then added with a smirk, as Regulus nodded politely at the two women; "I believe you are already acquainted with Evelyn Redway."

"Yes. Somewhat," Regulus deadpanned, before he smiled at her, warmly.

"It a very impressive organisation you've created here, Mr Black," Julia said, with the same admiration she had addressed Severus with upon meeting him, "I've heard about all you've done to help those suffering from the war. It's really wonderful."

"Thank you," Regulus smiled, taking the compliment with enviable ease, before he added; "Though I can't take all the credit; Andromeda Tonks and Cissy, here, have been there helping. And Severus, of course."

"Of course," Severus repeated, with a smirk.

Regulus glanced at him and he had a teasing twinkle in his eye that could only mean something horrible was to come, before the younger man addressed Lily;

"I hear that you are doing very well in Project Dorado, Mrs Potter. I am very pleased to have such an outstanding member of staff working with us," he stated, the compliment so out of the blue that Severus frowned.

"Oh," Lily looked surprised also, her cheeks turning pink at the compliment, "Um...thank you, Mr Black. I...I do what I can."

"Oh, far more than that, I'm sure. You're a natural!"

Regulus had his panty-peeler voice on and Severus almost rolled his eyes, glancing apologetically in Evelyn's direction. He _had _noticed that his lover was standing right there, hadn't he?

"Oh. Well, Severus has been helping me," Lily stated, obviously finding the attention too much, glancing in his direction.

Severus felt himself redden as all eyes turned to him.

"Has he? Severus, favouritism will not be tolerated," Regulus stated, his expression was stern but his eyes were gleaming with delight and Severus wished he could slap the amusement from his face. Instead, he returned his look evenly;

"I have not been helping. Only guiding Mrs Potter to any articles that would be useful –"

"I knew you were just being modest." Regulus' attention was back on Lily, who was smiling and blushing with a mix of pleasure and discomfort at being so singled out by the founder, "You always were an excellent student at school, I remember. My Head of House used to rave about your talents."

Severus found himself becoming irritated at Regulus' incredibly over-the-top attempts at flirting, taking a long drink from his glass. He noticed Narcissa was looking at him with amusement and frowned in her direction; she lowered her eyes with a smile.

"Oh, I just enjoyed potions. It helps when you have an interest in the subject."

"Yes, that's true," Regulus was smiling, charmingly at her, and she was smiling back. Severus glared at the two of them, glancing in Evelyn's direction, who was also watching the exchange with a look of discomfort.

"Mrs Potter, do you dance?"

_Not wasting any time, it would seem._

"Oh, um...well..."

"Please, I insist," Regulus took her hand in his, that same charming smile gracing his features, "I –"

"Excuse me, Regulus," Narcissa spoke up, drawing the attention of all in the group. She appeared to be fighting a smile and Severus suddenly frowned, as he realised there was something going on here. Something the two Black's were up to.

"I believe you promised the first dance to me? I wouldn't normally insist; but this is one of my favourites."

Severus knew very well that this song was _not _one of her favourites.

Regulus appeared to be a decent actor from the obviously-fake look of disappointment on his expression and glanced at Lily apologetically; "I apologise, Mrs Potter. It appears I am engaged." He kept her hand in his, his eyes turning menacingly in Severus direction; "Though Severus does know his way around a dance floor, isn't that right?"

Now all attention was well and truly on him and, before he could respond, Regulus placed Lily's hand in his with a grin he no longer concealed. Severus was suddenly aware of the game that Regulus had been playing. Lily looked up at him, before giving him a smile and shrugging, apparently giving consent. Severus curled his hand around hers, marvelling inwardly at the softness of it, before addressing Regulus;

"After you."

Regulus held an arm out to Narcissa, making his way to the dance floor, with Severus and Lily close behind.

Severus didn't dance. He had never danced at one of these functions and was aware that this act would certainly draw the attention of the others present at the function. However, when Lily easily stepped into place in front of his, close to him, the hand he wasn't holding sliding up his arm to rest on his shoulder; he decided the attention was insignificant. He could put up with the incessant pestering of his colleagues, he concluded, as he shyly slid his hand around her waist, to rest on her lower back, as he easily moved them both around the floor.

Neither of them spoke at first but he found he could bear the silence easily, as he revelled in the scent of her hair beneath his face; the smell almost intoxicating.

She turned her head upwards, looking at him, her face so close he leaned his own back slightly.

"Well, I am impressed.

"Impressed? By what?"

She smiled widely, "By you. I had no idea you could dance. In fact; I remember very well that you _couldn't._" She was referring to an utterly mortifying attempt at dancing with her during a Hogwarts dance and he found himself cringe at the memory.

"I lost a bet."

She frowned; "What do you mean?"

He tilted his head, rolling his eyes slightly as he elaborated; "Regulus Black promised to attend Ballroom Dancing lessons with his cousin, Mrs Tonks. Twelve hours of dancing over four weeks."

She was looking at him, searchingly, as they continued to move.

"Those were the stakes in the bet that I lost."

She broke into a wide, delighted smile; "Severus, are you telling me that you had _dance _lessons?"

"Regulus Black finds great pleasure in putting me in the most awkward situations imaginable and observing how I cope. Despite the fact that he was no longer obliged to attend these lessons his cousin was taking; he never missed a class."

Lily's body was shaking with laughter and he found it both pleasant and disconcerting, as she trembled in his arms. He glanced over her shoulder and noticed Regulus watching him with a grin; he shot him an angry glare; a warning that there would be consequences for this.

"And what would he have had to do if _he_ had lost?"

"He would have had to fire a particularly irritating member of the Research Department. I caught him stealing one of my rare ingredients."

"Surely he would have planned to fire him anyway?"

"Unfortunately not. He was the eldest son of a family that was suffering a great deal following the war. In such cases, Regulus is incredibly soft."

Lily was silent a moment, as she contemplated the statement.

"So, he puts you in situations like that a lot, does he?"

"Only when his ploys succeed; my discomfort is often very amusing to him. He is not unlike yourself in that respect."

"Me?" She straightened in surprise; "What have I ever done to make you uncomfortable?"

He truly wondered if she was joking. How often had she teased him? Mocked him? Pointed out awkward truths that would do nothing _but _bring about discomfort.

"Perhaps it is not intentional," he said, though he knew it was not true.

He noticed she was grinning, cheekily, and was tempted to point out that it was looks like that, looks that she often gave, that disarmed him and made him feel the boyish urge to blush and squirm. But he was not a boy, so he maintained his dignity and kept silent.

"He seems like a good friend."

"Like I said, you are both very similar."

Her smile lessened somewhat at the statement and he realised she was thinking about Hogwarts and what had transpired. Not wanting to settle into an uneasy conversation about the past, not when he was currently surrounded by her, holding her, he went on to reassure:

"As such, he is a good friend."

She raised her eyes to his and he met her look evenly. She was close, very close; they hadn't stood so close since they were teenagers. Children. He averted his eyes, turning his face away, and drew her closer so that he wouldn't have to look at her; into those eyes.

"You know, if you had dance lessons. You should be able to do more than just these simple steps."

"No. It took twelve hours for me to learn this."

She was laughing again, her body shaking against his; "Oh come on. Twirl me."

"No."

"Lift me up. Spin me. You must have learned more than just this."

"No. As you probably remember, I was hopeless prior to those lessons."

She drew back to look up at him; "You were able to twirl me back then."

That was _all _he had been able to do, he remembered. Standing there, like a lamp post, twirling her as she danced in front of him. He felt the heat of mortification rising.

She was looking at him expectantly, and he rolled his eyes, stopping their feet movements for a moment so that he could give her a quick twirl under his arm. She laughed, delighted that he had given in, when she was back in his arms and he found himself smiling, as he resumed their normal movements.

"You know, you really ought to thank your friend. Women love a man who can dance."

"I have no interest in women."

She raised an eyebrow with a teasing grin; "Oh! I see. I did hear that you and Mr Black were living together. I had no idea –"

"Very funny."

She chuckled, lowering her eyes.

"I meant that I do not wish to waste my time on pointless pursuits."

"Oh?"

She was looking up at him again, her eyes almost mesmerising, and he once again drew her closer so that he wouldn't have to look into them.

They were being watched. It was irritating. But the feeling of her in his arms was wonderful and the scent of her hair intoxicating and he was enjoying it. He was enjoying it too much, more than even he had expected he would, and he felt an unusual flutter in his stomach when she leaned back and met his eyes again.

He _did not _have butterflies.

The idea was almost ludicrous.

And then she smiled at him, a warm smile, not cheeky or teasing like he was so used to, but genuine. And he felt his heart rate speed up and a heat spread over his cheeks. She didn't feel the same. He knew that. And she wouldn't.

So this was, as he had stated moments before, a pointless pursuit.

He found his eyes drawn to the wedding ring on her finger.

In her mind, she still belonged to another. She belonged to Potter. And what did it matter anyway?

He had been down this road before. He knew where it led; how the story ended.

He wouldn't let himself get tangled up in it all again.

However, when the song ended, Lily didn't seem inclined to stop dancing. She remained in his arms as the band began another and he found it impossible to pull away. A terrible sign of things to come but even that thought wasn't enough to discourage him.

So he held her close and they danced again.

XXX

I know I have already thank everyone individually for the reviews but can't help myself gushing and thanking you all again for all your comments after the last chapter! I was delighted to receive so many reviews and honestly was in an ecstatic mood all day yesterday because of them. So thanks again, everyone! I really appreciate it. And, also, thank you to everyone who added this story to favourites and alerts. I hope you all enjoyed the new update!

Jayc: Hi! Thanks very much for your review! Yes, Julia is Lily's 'Regulus' :). There are just some things a girl needs another girl to speak with heh. As for Regulus' wanting to hold functions at the house, it wasn't this particular Gala he was referring to, though he hasn't been taking the threats as seriously as Severus is taking them. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	19. December 1986: A Pessimist, An Idealist

Chapter Eighteen

"That was cruel of you, Regulus."

Evelyn was biting her lip, which was slightly upturned, giving away her amusement, when he finally found her on the veranda. She didn't look at him as he approached, instead opting to look out over the heavily populated ice-rink that Narcissa had ordered for the event.

Regulus grinned, pleased with himself, glancing back over his shoulder in the direction of Severus. He and Lily Potter were no longer dancing but they were standing close together, alone, talking with ease and it was clear that Severus was enjoying her company. He shrugged, turning his attention back to Evelyn;

"What can I say? I can't help myself sometimes."

"Don't I know it."

There was a slight edge to her voice but her expression was impassive, not indicating any real irritation with him. Though she rarely did. He glanced down, contemplatively for a moment, before he stepped in beside her. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on top of the stone wall in front of them, so that he was lower that her, and then glanced up at her with an impish smile.

She glanced at him out the corner of her eye, her lip twitching slightly.

"You know you do pull off the brooding, mysterious lady very well."

She closed her eyes, smiling this time, and shook her head at his comment.

"Where is Malachi this evening?"

"With Draco Malfoy at the Manor."

"Overnight?"

"Yes."

Regulus nodded, continuing to look over her for a moment, before he turned his eyes out to the ice rink when she didn't meet his eyes. Christmas lights were suspended in the air above the rink, blue and white; sparkling as they seemed to descended and disappear as they fell. He looked back at Evelyn with a smile;

"I bet I can guess what you're thinking."

"Oh really? And what do you bet?"

"Only pride," he grinned, "Besides, I wouldn't want to take anything from you."

"Cocky, as always."

"Ah ah!" He held up a finger, to silence her, before he used the same finger to indicate in the direction of the rink, "You're thinking about our first date."

Her brow furrowed slightly, before she finally allowed her eyes to meet his. She raised an eyebrow; "Is that so?"

"Come on; you remember, don't you? Ice skating in Hyde Park, down in muggle London."

"Ah. Yes. Rings a bell, I suppose."

"You suppose?" Regulus repeated, with a scoff, "The most romantic night of your life!"

"Oh, I don't know about that."

He turned, this time leaning his forearms back against the structure, resting his back against the wall; "Christmas Eve, 1979."

She smiled at him.

"You were freezing. You had worn a dress; that blue one that I liked. With some tiny little cloak that wouldn't even satisfy a polar bear's need for warmth. I imagine you expected I would take you out to dinner."

"As a gentleman would in minus degrees."

"It was not in minuses," Regulus chuckled, "Besides; I offered you my cloak and scarf, didn't I?"

"And then almost froze to death yourself."

"Hardly. How could I freeze to death when I'm in your company; I get all warm and fuzzy inside."

She tittered, silently, glancing away from him.

"I bought you a hot chocolate at the cafe –"

"An _outdoor _portable stand."

"- And a piece of Christmas pudding –"

"Which was stale."

"Hey, you're ruining the romance of the memory, here!" He nudged her with his hip and she smiled; "And then you said; 'Oh, Regulus, it would be wonderful to go ice skating –"

"I said nothing of the sort –"

"- So I happily obliged –"

"It was _you _who had been so desperate to go ice skating. And I had reluctantly agreed."

"Was it?" He feigned thoughtfulness, "Ah! Aha! Yes, you're right! I was thinking it was _I_ who had been stumbling and falling all over the rink, but that was you!"

"Oh, I'm delighted that you remember."

He laughed, looking at her affectionately; "I taught you how to skate."

"You taught me how to fall with grace."

"No. No; you weren't too bad by the time we left."

"I had bruises all over myself the next morning."

"Did you? I was not allowed the pleasure of a viewing."

"That you weren't," she cocked an eyebrow.

"You enjoyed the Ferris Wheel afterwards."

"I suppose I did."

"It was a perfect date."

"Well, a perfect reflection of the relationship that was to come," she looked at him, fully.

Regulus held her look, bravely, knowing she was making reference to the pain he had, and was still, putting her through. He reached for her hand, relieved when she didn't pull it away.

"Perhaps you would like to give it another go?"

Evelyn's brow furrowed once again and he grinned, allowing his eyes to glance in the direction of the ice rink once more. She rolled her eyes and shook her head, attempting to pull her hand back. But he held on tight and bounded upright, tugging her towards the steps; "Come on, you'll love it."

"Regulus –"

"Just like old times." He hurried towards the rink with boyish excitement, Evelyn's hand held tightly in his, as he pulled her along behind him.

XXX

"You should have been in bed hours ago," Sirius remarked, disapprovingly, as he ushered his Godson up the stairs.

"I wanted to wait for Mum," Harry stated, looking back at him, innocently, "Uncle Remus said it was okay."

"Well, that was daft of him to say. It's almost half past ten," Sirius replied, looking at him sternly, "And your mum won't be home for a long time yet."

"How come your so mad?" Harry asked, frowningly, turning to face him fully as they reached the top of the stairs. Sirius sighed, guiltily, at the confusion in the boy's eyes before he reached over and ruffled his hair, the way his father used to do to him.

"I'm not mad," he stated, taking Harry's hand and leading him into his room, "I'm just tired. I'll be going to bed soon as well."

"Why did you send Uncle Remus home? Mum said he could stay."

Sirius almost blanched at the idea of having to spend hours in Remus' company without Harry there to occupy their attention; "Because there's no need. I'm home now."

"How come you and Uncle Remus don't like each other?"

Sirius hooked his hands underneath Harry's arms, swinging him upwards and letting him fall backwards onto the bed. Harry laughed, struggling into a sitting position.

"We do like each other."

Harry frowned, "No you don't. You hate each other."

"Hey, that's not true." Sirius sat down on the bed, as Harry began tugging off his socks.

"You shout at each other. You get really mad. Even worse than you do with mum."

"No that...that doesn't mean we don't like each other, Harry," Sirius attempted to explain, "We just don't always agree. The same as me and your mum sometimes; and you know I care about your mum. That's just how it is sometimes, with grownups. They argue."

"You don't have to lie. I'm not a baby. I don't like some people at school either."

"Uncle Remus and I...we have a complicated relationship, that's all." Sirius wasn't sure how to put the situation into the proper context for a six year old; "It's like...it would be like. I don't know...If someone at school was being horrible to one of your friends, maybe saying something that wasn't true. And then, you believed them."

"Was Uncle Remus horrible to you?" Harry pulled his t-shirt over his head.

"No," Sirius replied, shaking his head, as he handed Harry's pyjama top to him, "No. Someone else said something about him. Something that wasn't true. And then I believed them for a little while."

"Why did you believe them? Wasn't Uncle Remus your friend?" He pulled the top over his head, making a mess of his hair in the process; making himself look like James.

Sirius hesitated, looking over his Godson, the one person who could truly make him feel ashamed of anything he ever did and was humbled by the disapproving look in the boy's eyes.

"Yes he was. That's why he was upset with me."

"Is he still upset now? When did it happen?"

"It happened a long time ago. Sometimes it takes time for people to become friends again."

"So, you _will _be friends again?" Harry looked hopeful.

Sirius considered it for a moment, not entirely sure if they would. Maybe too much had happened now; too much water under the bridge. But he couldn't explain that to Harry; how could a six year old possibly understand the hostility between two people he loved?

"I think so, Harry. In time."

Harry smiled, looking relieved; "Good."

"Good, eh?" Sirius grinned, grabbing the edge of the duvet and roughly tugging it out from beneath the boy, causing him to tumble backwards from his sitting position so he was flat on his back. Harry laughed and nodded;

"Uh huh. I think Uncle Remus will come and live with us soon," he stated, as Sirius tucked the covers around him, "So it's good that you'll be friends again."

Sirius shook his head; "No, Harry. I don't think so. Uncle Remus is happy where he is."

"But soon he'll want to be closer to Mum."

Sirius looked at him with a frown, confused at the statement; "Close to your mum?"

Harry grinned, looking pleased that he seemed to know something that he didn't. Sirius tilted his head, regarding him carefully;

"What are you up to?"

Harry giggled, cheekily; "Nothing. It's them that are up to stuff."

Sirius was beginning to feel uneasy; _surely not?_

"Just tell me, Harry."

Harry grinned; "I saw them; Mum and Uncle Remus. They were kissing."

The room fell deafly silent for a moment.

"They _what?_"

XXX

"Stay with me tonight."

Regulus' felt his hopes die away when Evelyn turned her face away from him, looking up at the stairs above them. After an hour of spinning around the ice rink, the two had snuck away from the curious eyes of his employees and laid down in the grass on the far side of the maze, relieved to find no one else had had the same idea.

"You see, I managed to teach you something on that first date." He rolled onto his side, leaning his elbow on the ground and supporting his head in his hand, so that he looked down on her.

She smiled, shaking her head; "Actually, I take Malachi ice skating quite frequently. It is not new to me."

"Oh."

"He misses you."

"He stayed with me last week."

"It's not the same."

No, it wasn't. It wasn't nearly enough. And he remembered how eager he had been for Evelyn to come and retrieve him after only the first day; when he had thought he had actually lost his son. Every moment he spent with him he was only further reminded of what a terrible father he was; what a terrible father his own father had been; and then thoughts would drift to other fathers, fathers he hadn't really known, who had been killed during the war. Some of them at his own hand.

He pushed those thoughts away.

Evelyn tucked a hand behind her head, pointing with the other; "Orion's belt. You pointed that out to me."

He glanced up at it, nodding; "Yep. The plough as well," he pointed upwards, in its direction, "And, from Orion's foot, look, there's Eridanus."

She smiled and nodded, keeping her eyes on them; "I remember."

Regulus preferred to remember Hyde Park than looking at the stars with her. Because of the Blacks' fascination with the constellations and planets of outer space, he had picked up on star gazing quickly. Almost as quickly as he had realised how romantic girls happened to find it; and the ritual was often the starting point for meaningless sexual excursions when he was younger. In Hogwarts, mostly; however Evelyn had not escaped the test. Though he hadn't tried it on anyone else since.

"I miss him too," he stated, with reference to her earlier comment about their son; "Every time I see him there's something new. Something I didn't know."

She didn't answer, though he had a fair idea what she was thinking. That he had only himself to blame for that. That he could change that with simply a word.

"And I miss you," he added, quietly.

She closed her eyes, sighing quietly, before she opened them and met his eyes; "So come home."

Come home. It was that simple.

But it wasn't. He had tried.

He glanced down and she looked away, aware of his answer.

"You can't keep holding on to it, you know. One day you're going to have to let go."

He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and stretched out the arm that was supporting him so it curled on the grass above her head, laying down next to her.

"I don't want to hold onto it. You don't understand, Evie."

She met his eyes, shaking her head; "You're right. I don't. We have a son, Regulus, a _beautiful, perfect _son_. _And he loves you so much. And _I _love you so much. What else do you want?"

But it had nothing to do with them, what he felt. And their love _wasn't _ever enough to help him shake it. Severus helped sometimes; being around him, knowing that he must feel the same, at least a little, even if he didn't let it show. Evelyn was innocent, pure; she had no idea what it felt like; the guilt, the shame. The feeling that you just couldn't live with yourself.

How could she ever know? How could she ever understand?

"I love you, too." He offered, instead.

She held his look, evenly, not warming at the statement; "One day you're going to wake up and you're going to realise you've waited too long."

"Evie," he whispered, pressing another kiss to her shoulder; "Evie, I love you," he repeated, quietly.

She shook her head; "What do you want me to do?"

He pushed himself back up, leaning on his arm to look down at her, stroking her arm; "Nothing."

"Nothing," she repeated, quietly.

He stroked the side of her face with the back on his finger; "I don't deserve you."

"Once upon a time, you did."

"No. I was worse back then."

"Really? I didn't think you were all that bad." She rolled onto her side, pushing herself up so that they were facing one another.

He gave her a small smile and shrugged; "I didn't know any better."

"Well, we were still young. Children, even."

"Look at us now." He smiled, leaning forward and nudging her nose with his playfully, eliciting a smile from her.

"Yes, look at us." She raised an eyebrow, still smiling as she did so.

He sighed, reaching up to cup her face, stroking her cheek with his thumb. She leaned in, pressing a kiss to his lips, and he responded leisurely, deeply. He touched his forehead to hers when they pulled away;

"Stay with me tonight," he repeated his earlier request.

And, this time, she smiled.

XXX

"Shall we have our fortunes told?"

Lily's tone was teasing but Severus could tell from the slight widening of her eyes that she actually was interested in what the prophet had to say, as they glanced in the direction of the room where people were lining up to hear their fates.

Severus rolled his eyes, derisively; "Why ruin the joy of experiencing life as it comes?" He deadpanned.

Lily tore her eyes from the room, looking at him with a grin; "Surely you are interested."

"Interested? Like I said, why not wait and be surprised? Besides, such things are nonsense. Fortunes are not told on a whim."

"Have a lot of experience with fortunes and prophecies, do you?"

Severus glanced away from her, at the dance floor, out the window; anywhere but her eyes.

"Ah, so you are not _so _much of a sceptic," she declared, with a grin, looking back in the direction; "Besides, even if what the prophet says isn't true; it's nice to be offered some hope."

"And what if the prophet doesn't offer hope? It is just as likely that the scoundrel will reveal some terrible tale about the troubles and hardships due to occur; and then you spend the rest of your life, or until they are proven wrong, mindlessly worrying if and when the event is going to occur. It is pointless."

"Had a bad experience with a fortune teller, Severus?" She turned her attention back to him with a smile.

"Perhaps."

"Ah, once bitten, is it?"

"I just do not wish to pander to the likes of such people. They are taking advantage of people's hopes, desires, even their troubles by offering to predict something which cannot truly be predicted."

"Oh, it's all just a bit of fun, Severus," she rolled her eyes before she tugged on his sleeve, both startling him and indicating for him to follow, and then turned and began making her way in the direction of the room. Severus rolled his eyes and followed.

"You are not truly going to fall for this, are you?"

"I'm not 'falling for' anything. It's just for fun; besides, it would be ashame not to experience it when the Foundation has went to the trouble of providing the activity."

"Believe me, the Foundation will cope. As you see, there was plenty of activities provided for our amusement and each guest is not expected to partake in each and every one of them. It is a matter of personal taste."

"Exactly."

"Still caught up in all this nonsense, even after ten years have passed," he muttered to himself.

She glanced at him, sharply, with a grin; "So you remember the fayre?"

"Yes, of course. I remember everything about us."

He almost cringed at how the statement sounded, but Lily seemed pleased and smiled brighter, as they joined the end of the line.

"I also remember that the fortune teller promised a great amount of doom and gloom; and you spent the next fortnight miserable as you contemplated what could he could have possibly been referring to."

"And now I have a whole collection of incidents that it could have been to choose from!" she announced, with false cheerfulness, for the first time making a reference to all the troubles she had faced since they had been friends; "You see; they do speak the truth."

"But that does not support your earlier statement," he countered; "They do not always offer hope."

"I assume you do not intend to have your future told?" she said, raising an eyebrow.

"That is correct. Like I said, I do not pander to these crooks."

"Crooks?" she repeated, chuckling, before she shook her head and stepped forward as the queue moved.

"Exactly, Lily. Crooks. I have seen true –"

He broke off, suddenly feeling hot all over.

Lily looked at him curiously, completely oblivious to his discomfort and the reason for it; "You've seen...?"

Severus sighed and waved an unconvincing, dismissive hand; "It matters not." They stepped forward, reaching the front of the queue; the door to the room closed in front of them.

"Perhaps you would like to accompany me and observe my future being told? It may encourage you to take the risk of learning your own," she said, smiling cheekily at him. He glanced at her, holding her look.

"I believe that such things are private."

Lily chuckled; "It's fortune telling, not a strip tease."

Severus closed his eyes, forcing away some rather pleasing and inappropriate images that had come to mind at the statement, reaching up and rubbing the back on his neck, embarrassed by his thoughts; "I would not want my _aura _to interfere with your reading."

She giggled, smiling up at him; "I don't think that's how it works."

"Oh you don't? Is it a force indiscernible to those without the 'inner eye'? Or is it simply the lines of your palms that reveal the truth?"

"Hmm."

She took his hand in hers and he felt his heart and stomach leap at the contact. She turned his hand over in hers, with a mock frown as she pretended to observe and read what she was seeing. She trailed the index finger of her free hand down his life line, sticking out her tongue at the side of her mouth for dramatic effect, and he found his breathing quicken slightly at the contact.

"Why, yes Mr – sorry, _Professor –_ Snape; I see...I see great promise in your future –"

"Great promise? Ah; because that is not vague at all."

She lifted the finger that had been trailing down his palm with a grin; "I need silence for my reading, Sir."

"Oh, I do apologise." He smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Yes...yes, a long life," she went on, theatrically, "A happy life –"

"You see, now I know that you are a fraud."

She lifted her eyes to his with a small smile; "What, you don't expect to have a long, happy life?" she asked, innocently, dropping her act.

Severus pulled his hand from hers; "I try not to expect anything, Lily."

"Pessimist."

"Idealist."

"Well, I try."

"You optimism is going to land you in trouble one day. Tell me, what will be the aftermath of things not turning out your way?"

Lily looked more affected than he had intended by the statement and he immediately felt guilt as she quickly averted her eyes. He frowned, noticing that she seemed upset.

"I...I didn't mean –"

She looked at him and gave him one of her forced smiles, shaking her head; "No. Don't worry," she shrugged, "Just one of my many issues, I suppose."

"I –"

The door opened in front of them, drawing their attention, and the person who was in previously, Rowan Ellison stepped out. She smiled at them, nodding her head in acknowledgement and interest, before she walked by them and back to the party.

Lily peered into the room, before glancing at him expectantly; "Last chance?"

He raised an eyebrow, indicating for her to enter; "I shall wait."

She looked pleasantly surprised at the statement and he found himself confused, wondering why he had bothered offering. Why not just go and rejoin the party? Find someone else he knew? But he couldn't retract the offer now and, anyway, she was now making her way into the room and the door was closing in his face.

He stepped out of the queue, walking a few steps to stand by the wall at the other side of the door.

"Aha, Severus!"

He glanced around quickly and then relaxed when he saw Eugene Hopkins approaching.

"Eugene," he nodded in greeting; "I had thought you had failed to attend. I hadn't seen you."

"Ah, but I have seen you," Eugene teased, quietly; "Enjoying your time with Mrs Potter?" At least he had the decency to lower his volume, Severus found himself thinking.

"I suppose. She is tolerable company."

"Tolerable?" Eugene chuckled, "I'd say she's far more than that."

"Has Regulus said something to you?"

"Oh no, my dear boy; Regulus is currently occupied with feminine company of his own."

Severus rolled his eyes; "Dare I ask?"

"Lovely girl; Miss Evelyn Redway."

Severus smiled slightly in satisfaction; "Yes; she is a lovely girl. Very suitable for him."

"Ah, but young."

"Not so young." Severus considered it for a moment; twenty three, perhaps?

"So, tell me, have you been making progress?" Eugene asked, eyes twinkling.

Severus glared at him; "I assure you, that is not my intention. Mrs Potter and I are old friends."

"Old friends, eh? Is this where your endorsement came from?" Eugene looked curious and Severus found himself become irritated at the suggestion of nepotism. Although, he supposed, wasn't that what it was?

"It was a long time ago. We were not in contact prior to her joining us here."

"I see."

"As you have seen, she is quite a capable addition. There was no need for concern."

"I was not concerned," Eugene smiled; "I know you to be an excellent judge of character."

At that moment the door opened and Lily stepped out from the room. She looked shaken. He looked at her with concern and she started when she came face to face with Eugene; "Healer Hopkins."

"Mrs Potter," he greeted her with a wide smile; "How are you this evening?"

She shook her head, looking distracted; "Fine. I'm fine," she glanced in the direction of the doors to the veranda; "Just need some fresh air, I think."

Eugene stepped aside with a smile; "Please, don't let me get in your way."

She smiled, glanced in Severus' direction a moment with an indiscernible expression, before she made her way towards the doors. Severus watched after her for a moment, before he addressed the man before him;

"Excuse me, Eugene." He glanced around him, attempting to make his way after her as discreetly as possible.

He found her sitting down on one of the benches on the veranda, fingering her wedding ring. He hesitated, her actions making her thoughts perfectly clear to him and it was not a topic he ever wanted to have to discuss with her. He made to step away when she lifted her head, looking quickly in his direction.

Severus paused for a moment, uncertainly, before he regained his composure and walked over, taking a seat next to her.

"If you say '_I told you so'..._" she broke off, rolling her eyes, and looked away.

"Like I said; they are frauds. They know nothing about the future; they only prey on what it obvious to them. And do not forget that they have probably discovered information about you prior to you seeing them."

Lily gave a small, unconvincing smile; "She said that the worst was yet to come. That there was great...turmoil in my future."

She glanced at him; "It doesn't make any sense. How could there be _worse _things still to happen?"

Severus hesitated, not sure how to answer. In his experience, things could always get worse.

"It is all simple drivel, Lily. Not to be taken seriously."

"She knew things about me –"

"There are many who know things about you. About your situation."

She sighed and shrugged.

"I suppose that's true."

Severus watched her with concern, not entirely sure what he ought to say. He knew very little of her personal circumstances, really; he knew little about what the prophet could have targeted. There was James Potter, of course. But that was not something he was willing to broach. And in any case the statement seemed not to refer to his situation; there was little that could happen to him that was worse than the current circumstance.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" he offered, glancing out towards the maze, remembering where they had reconciled previously.

Lily rubbed her arms, which were bare, and shook her head; "Hmm...no. It's cold."

"It is; perhaps you would like to return to the party?"

She glanced at him, meeting his eyes; and she just looked at him for a moment, really looked at him, as if she were learning something and he found himself blushing and averted his eyes.

She smiled warmly; "Yes. Okay," she nodded and stood, waiting for him to do the same.

He mimicked her movements and, touching a hand to her lower back, guided her back indoors.

XXX

Author's Note: Thank you! Thank you for all your reviews, author and story alerts! You're all amazing. I doubled the length the Severus/Lily scene was planning to be as a thanks :).

Jayc: Thanks very much for your review! I'm very glad you like Regulus, I really enjoy writing him. Fingers crossed no writers block will affect me in the near future; I have a good deal of this story already planned out so that shouldn't be a problem. I try to update frequently, as you said, it keeps readers interested when they aren't forgetting what has been going on in previous chapters.

Terryl: So pleased to hear from you again! I'm touched you're taking time to review when you're away on your holidays. Very glad you liked the romance in the previous chapter and hope you liked what was presented in this one :). Thanks very much for reviewing!


	20. December 1986: Oh, Look What You've Done

Author's Note: I know I am repeating myself, but thanks again to everyone who has reviewed and added this story to alerts since the previous chapter! I've not been very well the past couple of days so apologise in advance if this chapter isn't quite up to the same standards as the others but I was determined to stick to my regular update pattern :).

Jayc: Thanks very much for your review! I can answer your first question – Severus was making reference to the prophecy, which Lily still doesn't know he delivered; the second question will be revealed in due course ;).

XXX

Chapter Nineteen

She knew that Severus had been right.

That the concept of predictions, divination and fortune telling was ridiculous and that it was foolish of her to dwell on what had been said to her the night before. And yet, she spent a sleepless night doing just that; attempting to connect the dots and imagine, herself, what the prophet had meant. Only reminding herself of all she and Harry had already been through; of all the pain they were already suffering.

Wasn't it about time for things to get better?

The prophet had hinted at secrets and lies, loss and unwanted truths and, as if that wasn't bad enough, then went on to state that such things were the least of her concerns; that there was something bigger and darker on the horizon.

Severus had remained concerned for her for a while, attempting to encourage her to dismiss the incident as nonsense and she had half-heartedly agreed with his assertions, though hadn't been able to shake the feeling of dread that had been planted within her following the meeting. So she had went home with the intention of speaking about it with Sirius and Remus, only to find that Remus had already left and Sirius was already in bed.

Her own sleep was broken and, when she heard Sirius stir and emerge from his room, she rose and began to prepare for the day ahead.

"Good morning."

Sirius glanced at her strangely, before he gave her a nod; "You're up early."

"Didn't sleep very well."

"Bad night?"

"Something like that. Why didn't Remus stay?"

She noticed Sirius tense; his jaw moved and clenched; "Because he didn't need to. Why would he stay?"

Surprised at the terse response, she walked by him to pour herself some coffee; "Well, I imagine you didn't get home until late. And we have the spare room."

"The spare room," Sirius repeated.

Lily frowned at his words, uncertain as to his unusual behaviour. Had he and Remus gotten into yet another argument the night before? Not unlikely. She remembered that he had been at the Ministry prior to returning home.

"How did it go with the Ministry? Any information about Peter?"

Sirius' expression darkened; "No. Nothing. Not even a trace. They weren't even interested in anything I had to say about him; just shoved some forms in my face to register as an Animagus."

"Oh."

"Fuck this," he snapped, slamming his cup down on the table, making her jump in surprise; "Is there something you want to tell me?" he demanded.

"What?"

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

Lily took a step back from him, the hostility with which he was regarding her unfamiliar and almost frightening; "Sirius, I honestly have no idea –"

He threw a hand up in the air, before he looked at her with disgust; "Remus. I'm talking about Remus; _you _and Remus!" He turned his back to her, shaking his head; "_Fuck!_ I don't even want to –"

Realisation washed over her quickly; though she was baffled as to why Remus had told him and even more bewildered by his over the top reaction to it. It was just a kiss, after all.

He turned around, looking at her expectantly, obviously wanting a response; "Well?"

She felt herself grow irritated at the self-righteousness of his expression; "I don't see how it's any of your business, Sirius."

"Oh, well; thanks, Lily. I really appreciate that."

"Well, it has nothing to do with you –"

"Anything that affects Harry has something to do with me! I can't believe you would do this!"

"Sirius," she snapped; "Don't you think you're overreacting?"

"No! No, I don't. I mean, seriously, Lily, how did you _expect _me to react? This is just...Merlin...this is...it's disgusting!"

"I think that's a bit strong –"

"No, Lily. I mean...This is one of James' _best _friends! I mean – it's like sleeping with his brother or something! Heck, it's like _you_ sleeping with _your _brother!"

"Sleeping – what are you talking about?" She rounded on him; "We haven't _slept _together!"

"Maybe not yet, but it's bound to happen sooner or la–" he turned away with the same, irritatingly, disgusted expression and she found herself confused and angry at the accusatory tone he had adopted while speaking to her.

"_What_ are you talking about, Sirius? I have absolutely no intention of _ever _sleeping with Remus."

Sirius was regarding her with the same bewilderment in his expression that she was feeling. After a moment he frowned; "What? You're...what?"

"Sirius, what the Hell are you going on about?"

"You tell me." He seemed uncertain now, as he began to noticeably calm down, and she began wondering where the lines of communication had faltered and what had been said to cause such a passionate response from him.

"Did Remus say something to you?"

He shook his head; "No. Harry told me –"

"Harry!"

The dread she had already been feeling from the previous night intensified and she quickly went on; "What does Harry know about it? What did he say?"

"He said that you and 'Uncle Remus' were kissing."

"Wha- no! I mean, yes...there was a kiss, but –" she reached a hand up to rub her temples, "What else did he say?"

"That's all. Though he seemed pleased; already imagining the four of us all living here like one big happy family," he said, distain dripping with each word; "Just what did you think you were doing, Lily? You can't go about just kissing Remus –"

"I didn't!"

"You didn't? You just said you did!"

"Look, Sirius, just leave it; it's sorted."

"No; tell me what happened."

"Why? I just told you I've handled it. I need to speak to Harry –"

"Just tell me," he snapped, grabbing her arm as she attempted to walk by him. Lily snatched her arm back, glaring at him furiously. He immediately looked apologetic; "I'm sorry; did I hurt you?"

"No," she sighed; "It was just a misunderstanding, that's all."

"But you kissed? You said you didn't; did you mean _he_ kissed _you_? Did he force –"

"No! No, of course not! It was just a misunderstanding, Sirius, that's all. He got the wrong idea –"

"So it was him!"

Sirius sounded almost triumphant as he declared it and she shot him a cautionary look.

"Just stay out of it, Sirius."

"What? And let him think he can go around doing stuff like that? He's got no right –"

"No right? Sirius, will you please just calm down! This isn't a big deal –"

"It is a big deal! It's a huge deal! He fancies you!"

"Oh, don't be ridiculous! We were just talking and got a bit carried away, that's all."

"What were you talking about?"

"_You, _actually; it was all very romantic."

"Me?" Sirius blinked, looking startled; "What about me?"

"One guess."

Before he could respond they heard the sound of the floorboards above creaking, indicating that Harry had awoken, and both of them glanced up at the roof for a moment before meeting one another's eyes again. Sirius released a breath, the reminder of Harry's presence a calming influence on them both and shrugged;

"Sorry. I didn't mean to get on at you. I just thought –"

"Just forget it, Sirius. Like I said, let's not makes this into a huge thing. Please. Let's just forget about it."

She made her way from the room, intending to set things straight with Harry, her concerns regarding the fortune teller from the previous evening suddenly seeming even more ridiculous as she was reminded of the constant difficulties she was having trying to be a mother.

XXX

"Do you understand?"

Harry bit his lip as his mother continued to explain that what he had seen between her and his Uncle Remus was simply a mistake; and that it in no way meant that he would soon be living with them or that he and his mum were going to become a couple.

"So...you don't want him?"

It was his mum who didn't want his Uncle Remus, not the other way around. His Uncle Remus loved her, wanted her; maybe he would have even married her. But she wouldn't let him.

"No, Harry. Not that way; your Uncle Remus is a very dear friend. That's all."

"But...maybe –"

"That's all, Sweetheart," his mum said again, before infuriatingly adding, "I love your father."

Harry let out an exasperated breath and glared at her; "That's just silly, Mum. Uncle Remus is here, _he_ isn't. You're just making yourself sad all the time." It was like she was doing it on purpose.

His mum reached over, brushing the hair back from his forehead; "I'm not sad all the time, Harry."

"Yes you are. When you think about him, you are."

"I'm not sad, Harry. I just miss him. It's okay to miss people that are gone."

"See, you just said it! He's gone! He's not coming back."

"Harry, even if that is true, it doesn't change the way I feel about your Uncle Remus," his mother asserted and he looked away, fighting tears; "Sweetheart, it doesn't work the way you want it to; people don't simply choose who they love. It just happens."

"Uncle Remus wants you."

"No, Harry, he doesn't."

Harry huffed and climbed from his bed, walking over to the corner where his broom was propped up; "Uncle Sirius said he would take me flying." He had been excited the night before; he hadn't been allowed to fly since his accident.

"Yes, he did. He's waiting downstairs."

Harry lifted his broom without answering.

"Be careful when you're flying, okay?"

"I will."

Harry went to walk by her however was stopped by her hand on his arm; "I'm sorry, Sweetheart."

"It's okay," he lied.

It wasn't okay.

XXX

"It involves someone entering the mind in order to find a memory that the holder may have forgotten or that may, in some way, have been damaged; and then extracting it so that it may be studied."

"And would it be possible to tamper with these memories in order to make the holder believe in events which did not actually occur?"

"While in the mind? No. It isn't even possible to make the memory holder aware of the memory, if they had forgotten it. That's part of what our new Project is attempting to do; restore the memories of the holder, as well as deal with any neurological -" Regulus regarded Albus Dumbledore suspiciously; "Why all the interest in Project Orion?"

"I believe that it will prove to be a highly valuable advantage to the Light."

Regulus' eyes narrowed; "The research done by the Foundation is not meant to be used by either the Light or the Dark sides of the war; it's done for the benefit of those who have suffered memory loss due to the war. It's for individuals; not a cause."

"Nevertheless, it will be incredibly useful when Voldemort returns."

"Why? Are you planning on tampering with his mind?" he enquired, sardonically, earning a disapproving look from the old man.

"Nothing so ambitious, my boy. I had simply hoped that you would see to it that Severus is involved with that project."

Regulus blinked; "Severus was involved with that project for over a year."

"Yes, I am aware. However, I have now learned that he is now heading another project within your organisation."

"Yes, Project Dorado. It's far more advanced, expanding on what has been discovered during Project Orion; it's more challenging for him –"

"I should like him returned to Project Orion."

Regulus glared at him; "And under what grounds am I to transfer him? He is not just some insignificant hand for me to move around as I please; Dorado was his initiative. What if he refuses?"

"Why would he refuse?"

"Like I said, Dorado was his proposal after what he had learned in Orion. Any challenges involved with Orion have ended, it's almost complete, and he is now heading the Medicinal aspect of another project. It would be unwise to pull him from it now and a complete waste of his talents."

"I must insist, Regulus."

Regulus frowned, regarding Dumbledore curiously for a moment, before he asked; "Does this have something to do with Lily Potter?"

Only a slight jerk of the old man's head indicated any surprise at the statement; "Lily Potter? How would this affect her?"

Regulus glanced away from him, completely aware that the old man had just as well an idea of Severus' affection for Mrs Potter, though felt it would be a betrayal to speak the words out loud to someone as well aware of the depths of his friend's attachment to her.

"I assure you, Regulus, the personal lives of Severus, and of yourself, are of no concern to me. This has nothing at all to do with Lily Potter."

"Good. Because it would be pointless. They barely work together as it is; their specialities are completely different."

"That may be so; but as I said, that is of no concern to me. I still wish for Severus to be returned to Project Orion."

"I'll consider it," Regulus reluctantly stated; "I assume you're not going to tell me your reasons for wanting this?"

"I cannot. Though you may learn yourself in time."

"Your faith in me is overwhelming."

"Patience, Regulus. Soon you and I will continue with our own scheme and I would not want you distracted by Severus' task."

"And will this be a dangerous task?" Regulus eyed him, the answer to the question almost certainly a deal breaker regarding whether or not he would do as the old man was asking.

"Not at all, my boy. Certainly less so than your own."

Regulus nodded his head slightly.

"I would appreciate it if you would keep this conversation between us."

Regulus looked at him sharply; "And how am I supposed to do that? What reason am I supposed to give for returning him to an almost complete project?"

"Hmm," Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling as he spoke; "From the information I was able to gather from your earlier enquiry regarding Mrs Potter; I suppose a conflict of interest may suffice as a suitable reason."

XXX

"What you did was bang out of order, Remus!"

Harry had barely left the room when Sirius had rounded on him with insults that were obviously coming from more than just anger at what had transpired between himself and Lily.

"It's none of your business, Sirius; it's between me and Lily."

"Like you're going anywhere near Lily after this."

"And who are _you _to make threats like that?" Remus snapped, looking at him angrily; "She's James' wife, not yours."

"Rich, coming from you, Remus!" Sirius' eyes were flashing furiously; "Listen to what you just said; that's James' _wife! _What if she had kissed you back, huh? How far would you have gone? Would James have even come to mind?"

"You're the one who's always harping at her to move on and get over James –"

"Yes, to move on; start living. Not move on to _you, _James' _friend_. For Merlin's sake, Remus! Is this what you've always been thinking? Have you just been waiting for your chance to weasel in –"

"Oh fuck you, Sirius! You know that's not how it is!"

"No, Remus, actually I don't. I don't know you at all anymore; I couldn't believe my ears when Harry was telling me this – and did you even stop to think about how this would affect Harry?"

"Don't bring Harry into this. And no, I didn't. It wasn't a conscious decision; it just happened!"

"Well maybe you should learn to exercise some self control and not react based on whatever your dick is telling you to do."

Remus lifted a hand, shaking his head, the argument made so unfounded that he almost couldn't respond; "Like _you've _never thought about it Sirius!"

Sirius shook his head, looking mind-blown by the accusation; "Are you kidding me? _No _I haven't ever thought about it! I haven't, and _wouldn't, _ever consider it!"

"Seriously? _You _wouldn't?"

"I've been living alone with Lily for over five years; if I wanted to, I would have. And I haven't; and I wouldn't," he flared up, becoming more angry; "And don't turn this around on me! _You're _the one that kissed her!"

"It was just a kiss, Sirius," Remus sighed. He didn't have the energy for this; for yet another fight with Sirius. He could never win in those arguments. Add to that the embarrassment he was already feeling over what he had done; he was certain the whole argument was a pointless waste of time.

"There's no such thing as 'just a kiss'. It meant something."

"Yeah, okay, it did. But not what you think it means."

"Well then what? Tell me?"

A few years ago he might have. He may have spilled it all out and told his old friend exactly why he had done it; that he was lonely and that what Lily had said to him had meant so much to him, more than it should have. That it made him feel for the first time in a long time as if he was worth something. That life wasn't so hopeless, so pointless. That there was someone who cared if he wasn't around. That he had made some sort of difference to someone. That he wasn't alone. And he had wanted that feeling to last; he had been trying to hold onto it; had wanted to be closer to her, so that he wouldn't lose it.

It was gratitude and desperation and hope.

But he couldn't say that to Sirius now.

The idea of exposing himself so to him was unthinkable now.

Remus looked at him, regretfully, the damage to their relationship never more clear.

"I can't."

Sirius held his look for a moment. After a moment his eyes softened and he was looking at him with the same sadness that Remus felt, as if he, too, was just realising what they had become; both of them finally, really seeing what had happened to them.

What Peter Pettigrew had done to them.

XXX

"Dumbledore has asked me to transfer you back to Project Orion."

Severus looked at Regulus sharply over the parchments he was holding. Regulus raised his eyebrows, indicating that he had no idea the reason behind the request, as Severus rolled up the article he had been reading; "Did he give any indication as to the reasons for this?"

"Only that it will be useful when the Dark Lord returns."

Severus thought about that for a moment.

"I told him that I'd think about it. If you don't want to transfer, it's no problem. I'll just insist that you have to oversee Dorado."

Severus rolled his eyes; "You and I both know that Dumbledore would not be defied so easily. There is obviously a good reason behind him asking this. Why did he go to you? Why not ask for an audience with me to make the request?"

"He didn't want you to know about it."

Severus wasn't surprised by the statement; "Then why are you telling me?"

Regulus shrugged.

Severus held back a smile though he was pleased that Regulus obviously valued his friendship with him, over his loyalty towards Dumbledore. It wasn't surprising or even the first time that it had been demonstrated; but it was a welcome reminder that Regulus did care about things other than repentance and that their relationship went above that, one of the very few of his that did.

"Very well. Did you make him aware of the fact that Orion will be completed within the next half year? Probably sooner, now that I am to return."

Regulus chuckled, shaking his head at the arrogance of his statement; "Yes. I told him. He is aware of your brilliance, no need to worry about that."

Severus smirked.

"If anything, he is probably pleased that it is almost complete. I got the impression he will attempt to interfere with Dorado; he showed an interest in the ability to manipulate memories."

"Manipulating memories is not the goal of the project."

"I made him aware of that. But the fact that it was possible was of interest."

Not entirely comfortable with the associations of such an interest, Severus went on; "But for now he is interested in Orion?"

"Yes. I shall put you back on it and have Mortimer Littlewood take over your role. It should be an effortless switch."

"Heart will be pleased."

Regulus rolled his eyes; "I have heard. Nevertheless, I have more confidence in him than in Quinton Gold of taking over your responsibilities."

"Perhaps it would be better to have Waller take over my responsibilities; he has been working on Dorado the past few months and is aware of what has been done so far. Littlewood can step into his role."

"Hmm," Regulus looked thoughtful, obviously not all that confident in Alaric Waller's abilities either; "Well, if you think he is capable; perhaps you can have a word with Waller. I'll wait until January to transfer you; give you some time to tie up anything you need to do. Don't get too comfortable; you'll be going straight back once Orion is done with."

"Glad to hear it."

An owl suddenly began tapping at the window, garnering their interest. Severus stood, making his way over, and retrieving the letter the bird was delivering. A note for Regulus, redirected from the Foundation. He eyed it suspiciously, waving his wand over it checking for anything unusual, as he walked over to hand the correspondence to his friend;

"It has been redirected from Aurelius."

Regulus took it from him curiously, unfolding it carefully. Severus stood over him, watching him with undisguised interest. In a second, Regulus' face had paled and he shot to his feet.

"Regulus," Severus grabbed his arm, startled by the frantic look in his eyes; "Regulus, what –"

Regulus slammed the note he had been reading against Severus' chest, which he quickly grabbed before Regulus stumbled to the fireplace, threw in some floo powder and cried out Evelyn's address, before disappearing through.

With growing panic, Severus quickly looked down at the note:

_Black,_

_Your kind sent my family to their graves. Now yours have joined them and you will finally know the pain that I have suffered. May they burn in hell._


	21. December 1986: A Merry Little Christmas

Author's Note: I apologise for the cliffhanger of the last chapter. I've taken pity and rushed to get this one out a day early :) Thanks very much to everyone who reviewed and alerted the story last chapter!

Enjoy!

Jayc: The answers to your questions are below ;) Thanks very much for reviewing! I really appreciate it :) It is unlikely overworking, it probably has more to do with the temperamental weather around here; but, yes, getting reviews do make me feel better hehe. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!

XXX

Chapter Twenty

It was Christmas.

Regulus Black had loved Christmas as a child. When he was young his family was admired; envied. They were the perfect example of the ideal wizarding family. Being a Black meant something. He and Sirius would be brothers and play and fight over whatever gifts they had received. And later that day their cousins and aunt and uncle would join them and they would play games and dance and be merry, the way that was expected of a big family Christmas.

That all stopped when Andromeda left.

But even then, his parents would still celebrate Christmas with him and his brother, albeit less wildly. It wasn't until Sirius left that things had gotten really bad. The first Christmas after he left; that was the worst.

But nothing compared to this.

Christmas 1986.

Because all those things still stood except now Evelyn was dead.

And his son was lying in a hospital bed having been in critical condition for four days. Only the night before had he finally awoken, briefly, and the Healers had informed him that he would survive.

He still felt sick.

Malachi didn't know yet. He didn't know his mother was gone.

Regulus reached for his hand, holding it gently in his, and pressed it to his lips. Malachi stirred and opened his eyes. He peered at his father in bewilderment for a moment before a slow smile spread across his face; "Dad."

Regulus gave him a small smile in response, in an attempt to conceal his own troubles; "Merry Christmas, Beansprout."

The little boy's brow furrowed in confusion, before his eyes landed on the little pile of presents that sat upon the table next to his bed. His eyes widened excitedly and he tried to push himself up into a seated position, only to whimper and fall back weakly.

"Here," Regulus whispered, moving closer and slipping a hand beneath him. He gently pulled up upwards and propped up some pillows behind his back, before he pressed a kiss to his son's forehead.

Malachi smiled again, looking tiredly in the direction of the gifts. His eyes were eager but he didn't say anything.

Regulus reached for one of them; "These are for you." He handed the first to him.

Malachi's smile widened and he took it eagerly, but didn't make a move to open it. Instead, he looked in the direction of the door with some impatience.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

Malachi looked at him with a frown; "Don't I have to wait for Mum?"

Regulus swallowed, a sudden tightness in his chest overwhelming him at the question. Not today. Not on Christmas; "No; that's okay. Your Mum's busy just now."

Malachi's frown deepened at the statement and he glanced in the direction of the door again, before back at Regulus. Regulus offered an encouraging nod and Malachi smiled and began to open the first of the few gifts he had been given.

Regulus saw someone step into the room out the corner of his eye and turned in their direction. Severus nodded in greeting, which Regulus returned, before he made his way over to them as Malachi thanked his father for the first gift.

Regulus handed another to him, then set the other few on the bed, allowing Malachi to continue opening them as he stood and indicated to Severus to come to the corner of the room.

"I assume you haven't told him?" Severus' asked, quietly, when they were out of earshot.

"No. I can't. It's Christmas."

"The longer you leave it –"

"I know. Tomorrow."

"He's going to start asking questions."

"Please, Severus." Regulus turned his face away from him, suddenly overwhelmed by the reality of what was happening and drew in a breath that sounded more like a strangled gasp. He felt Severus' hand on his arm and willed himself to remain composed.

"Dad?"

Regulus drew in a breath, quickly arranging himself, before he turned and forced a smile; "Yes, Malachi?"

Malachi held up the wizarding comic book with a bright smile; "Thanks! I really wanted this."

Regulus nodded, his small smile but genuine this time. Malachi was always grateful for the smallest of things. What did he do to deserve this?

"I know. You're welcome."

Malachi turned his smile to Severus, though he was beginning to look weaker; "Merry Christmas, Severus."

Severus stepped towards him, pulling out a wrapped gift from his robes, surprising both Malachi and Regulus; "Merry Christmas, Malachi." He held the package out to him.

Malachi looked at the gift with wide eyes, before tentatively reaching out and tugging it from his Godfather's hand; "Thanks," he said, as he began to almost reverently remove the paper from it.

Regulus smiled gratefully at him, while Severus attempted to avoid his eyes. Malachi pulled the boxed item from the wrapping paper, revealing a toy snitch.

He looked up at Severus with wide eyes; "What is it?"

"It's called a snitch. A toy one, of course. They are used in Quidditch games. Your father will show you how to use it. He used to have to catch them when he was at Hogwarts."

Malachi's eyes brightened as he glanced between the two of them, clearly pleased to have been given a gift that would link him to his father;

"Thank you."

"You are very welcome." Severus tilted his head towards him, accepting his thanks, before glancing at Regulus as Malachi began studying the item more closely.

He spoke quietly; "Andromeda has decided to shut down operations over Christmas. We reopen January 5th."

Under normal circumstances Regulus would have disagreed. Would have insisted they remain open; the Counselling Department at least. Christmas Day was one of the most popular times that clients wanted to come together; to discuss what had happened; to try and accept what had happened in the war.

For the first time, Regulus didn't care.

"Very well. Could you explain it all to Lucius and Narcissa over dinner?"

Severus held his look for a moment before he spoke; "Actually I have cancelled my plans to dine with them this evening."

Regulus was startled at the declaration; "You have? Are you going back to Hogwarts."

"No. Merlin! I have arranged for Ayra and Fee to prepare a Christmas meal and bring it to us here."

Regulus was silent for a moment, overcome by thankfulness and fondness. He felt a smile tug; "You don't have to –"

"I am aware of that."

He went on, half-heartedly; "I don't mind –"

"It is all arranged."

Regulus swallowed before he nodded and spoke quietly;

"Thanks, Sev."

XXX

Harry was laughing, loudly, with complete happiness and it was as if all of the troubles he had been put through for the past few months had fallen away.

It was moments like this that Lily lived for; that she treasured.

"Mum, make him stop!" Harry gasped out through his laughter, wiggling and grabbing at Sirius' hands frantically as they tickled his waist.

Lily giggled from her spot on the couch next to Remus; "Oh, I'm afraid I can't help you, Sweetheart."

"Mum! Please!"

"I heard you're getting a couple of weeks off work," Remus remarked to her, as Harry's squeals intensified.

"A week and a half," she clarified, "They didn't give us a reason."

"I'm sure Harry's happy about that," Remus said, as he glanced in the boy's direction, "Good timing, what with him broken off from school."

"Yes, I suppose," she nodded, before she went on; "There's a Learning Centre at the Foundation; sort of a school for wizarding children. I was thinking about maybe sending Harry there."

"Really? I thought you wanted him to go to muggle school?"

"Well, I do...But Dumbledore made some good points when I spoke with him; he said it may be beneficial for him to begin learning magic earlier and to spend some time with other wizarding children."

"When did you speak with Dumbledore?"

"Last week. He asked me to Hogwarts."

"Just for that? To talk about Harry?"

"Sirius thought it was strange also," she stated, before she went on; "What do you think?"

"Well...I suppose it's up to you, isn't it?"

She marvelled at Remus' ability to be completely without advice when she asked for it, compared to his frequent suggestions whenever his help and opinions are unwanted. However, not wanting to shatter the comfortable atmosphere they currently had going on, she didn't remark on that. Instead she just shrugged;

"I suppose there's time to think about it. I'll ask Harry how he feels."

"You know he would rather go to a place where he can learn magic."

"Well; he won't be able to actually practice magic and he has some friends at school that he may not want to leave."

"Does Ron attend the Learning Centre?"

"Ron Weasley? Do you really think Molly and Arthur would send their son to a place where Lucius Malfoy is a shareholder?"

Remus grinned, "Well, I wouldn't have thought you would want to either. Or Dumbledore, for that matter."

"Well, it's part of the building I work in. I've seen what goes on there; it looks like it could be good for him."

She smiled as Harry suddenly threw himself at her, seeking refuge from Sirius; his face red and tears of laughter streaming down his cheeks; "Mum, help me!"

She laughed, wrapping her arms around him, while he peeked over one of them at Sirius who was grinning wickedly from the floor. He stood and the three of them chuckled as Harry cautiously moved in closer to Lily.

"Well, it's almost twelve. I better get over to Andie's."

Harry shot upright with a frown; "I thought you were staying here for Christmas?"

"I am," Sirius said with a reassuring smile and reached over to ruffle his hair; "But I have to make the rounds, don't I? I've got Dora's present here," he added, lifting the only wrapped present left from under the tree. He gave Harry a one armed hug on his way to the door; "I expect _fantastic _deserts when I get back."

Harry looked at Lily with a bright smile, suddenly reminded of their usual Christmas ritual; "Are we gonna bake?"

She smiled; "We are."

He gave her a wide, excited smile, before jumped down from her lap; "Are you helping us, Uncle Remus?"

"I am making the rest of the food," Remus stated, indicating in the direction of the over where the turkey was already cooking.

Harry grinned, grabbing each of their hands and pulling until they be stood up; "Let's go! Bye Uncle Sirius!"

XXX

"Pumpkin pie, pecan tarts and cherry pie. No mincemeat pies this year; your favourite, I know, but Harry really doesn't like them. It's funny; he's become a lot more assertive about his own likes and dislikes this year. I imagine he's going to be a very difficult teenager."

James stared at her.

"It really was lovely today. Sirius and Remus managed to get along, which was nice to see after everything that's been going on. Don't worry about that, though; it's just silly stuff." Lily hadn't told him about Peter Pettigrew; about Harry's confusion; or about Remus kissing her.

She told him less now. She even visited less. She only spoke about silly things. Insignificant things. Things that had happened that day, simply a recount of the events; as if she were a seven year old girl keeping a diary.

6am: Woken up by Harry.  
6.03am: Watched Harry opening presents.  
6.30am: Opened own presents.  
9am: Julia visited.  
Noon: Started baking with Harry. Sirius went to visit his family.  
2pm: Sirius came home.  
5pm: Dinner.  
6pm: Sang Christmas carols.  
7pm: Went to visit James. Alone.

Both Sirius and Remus had visited, separately, in the morning.

Had she covered it all? She had. And she had only been there ten minutes.

St Mungos had Christmas music drifting down the halls; the happiest songs.

"_He'll say are you married? We'll say no man..."_

Very upbeat. And there were Carollers going around between the wards; as well as volunteers making rounds with little wrapped gifts; boxes of sweets and Christmas books. Decorations were out wherever decorations could possibly be and the staff appeared to be doing their best to put on a happy face and an upbeat attitude, despite the fact that most of them probably wanted to be at home with their own families.

That would be her, one day; once she had completed her training.

Lily glanced at James and wondered if he had noticed the person who hadn't visited that day: Harry.

She and Sirius had both offered to take him but he had refused. He hadn't given a reason and neither of them wanted to push for one after what had happened the last time he had come.

But the message was clear to them both; he wanted nothing to do with James. They could tell him that James was his father all they wanted; he wouldn't accept it and he didn't want it. He wanted normality; a dad to play with and to come home to.

"_Later on we'll conspire as we dream by the fire..."_

It wasn't fair what he had to live without. And yet there was nothing she could do to make it better. Even the promise that his father could return, that she was doing all should could to make that happen, wasn't enough to console him. He wanted a dad, but he didn't want _his _dad; so where was the answer?

The idea of Sirius or Remus, whom Harry had set his hopes on, was unthinkable to her. And while Harry's devotion towards his father was non-existent, hers was still there.

But it was diminishing, despite her best efforts. She was trying to hold onto it; to hope.

And then she remembered what everyone had been telling her; that she had to let go. That she had to move on.

And in the past she couldn't; something within her was holding on, something she couldn't control. Something wouldn't let her let go. It just wasn't possible for her to do; to imagine a life without her husband by her side.

But now something had changed.

Now, she realised, that it was no longer that she couldn't; it was that she didn't want to.

It was something she had gradually come to realise as Harry's pain become more apparent to her. As her pain had become more apparent to him. That, deep down inside, if she wanted to, if she let herself; she just might be able to let go.

But the thought wasn't comforting; it was heartbreaking and she was wracked with guilt just thinking about it.

She could let go; she could move on. She could walk away and leave her husband lying here and forget about everything that they had suffered and she could be happy.

But could she live with herself if she were to abandon him?

Could she ever forgive herself for walking away?

XXX

Malachi had been drifting in and out of sleep, weak and exhausted, for the duration of the day which Severus noticed made it easier for Regulus to conceal the truth about Evelyn's death from him.

The boy asked frequently, each time he woke, if his mother was there yet. It was Christmas; the boy knew well enough that she wouldn't allow the day to go by without making an appearance. Not when he was sick in hospital and not if she could help it.

Malachi had only just turned five; but he was observant. And Severus was certain he had noticed Regulus' pain as they had sat eating the dinner their house elves had delivered to them. But Malachi didn't feel comfortable enough with Regulus to ask him why he was distressed; that was something that could prove to be a problem in the upcoming weeks.

Only two people that Severus had ever cared about had died. His mother and his father. And the latter was questionable in the caring department. He was affected by his death, of course; but it didn't come close to the grief he felt when he lost his mother. But he had known when both of them were dying; both were due to illness, so there was time for goodbyes.

With Evelyn there were no goodbyes. There was just love. And passion. And a promise for the future.

At least, that's what Severus gathered from what he knew of her and Regulus' relationship. He imagined the only time he had come close to feeling the grief his friend was currently going through was long ago, during the war, when he spent every day fearing for Lily's life.

But she had survived; and fear and grief weren't the same. The _idea _of someone dying was nothing compared to the reality of it. Of realising they were gone and that you had to keep going.

It wasn't something he ever wanted to experience.

So he really had no idea what he ought to say or do for Regulus to ease his pain and he dreaded facing the boy once he learned that the only person he truly felt close to, his mother, was gone. He couldn't relate to that; he was twenty two years old when his mother died, a grown man; not a child.

And he had had people when it had happened to him; he had had friends. As far as he knew, Malachi was home schooled. So he really did only have his mother; and a broken relationship with a troubled father who really had no idea how to deal with him and who had to go through the pain right along with him.

Severus stepped out of the room; wishing to escape the morbidity of his thoughts.

"_Strike the harp and join the chorus."_

Music was playing; happy, joyful music; it was incredibly inappropriate. What good do such cheerful tunes do at a time like this, really? But serve as a reminder of the complete lack of joy one must be experiencing when they find themselves spending Christmas Day visiting or, worse, actually lying in a hospital bed. Who would want such a wretched attempt at brainwashing to try and convince oneself that they were actually happy?

"_While I tell of Yuletide treasure..."_

Severus stepped out of the hallway and into the courtyard, eager to escape the false merriment of the building. The area was well populated with patients and those who were visiting but he noticed there was still a bench vacant nearby and made himself as comfortable as he could on the cold, hard surface.

It was utterly freezing. Heavy snow had fallen the night before and piles of it were stacked in corners of the courtyard that had been scraped off of the pathways. Children were jumping around in the piles, throwing balls of snow at one another, laughing.

Severus sighed when he noticed a collection of carollers emerge from the building, little books clutched in their hands, as they took up a spot in the middle of the area.

"Dashing through the snow..."

_Of all the possible choices! _Severus rolled his eyes and stood, preparing to return back indoors. He turned, walking with more force than necessary and found himself run into someone who was making their way down the path. He quickly reached out a hand to steady the person he had bumped into; "Excuse me –" He stopped, staring in surprise at the woman before him; "Lily."

Her eyes were also wide with surprise but after a moment she smiled, and adjusted herself; "Hi. You're in a hurry."

Severus shook his head; "No. No, not really." He glanced at the carollers, who were continuing to bellow out Jingle Bells, while the children in the area had eagerly began singing along. He looked back at Lily before he indicated the bench. She smiled and nodded and the two took a seat where he had just vacated.

"Merry Christmas," she said after a moment.

He was silent a moment.

"Merry Christmas, indeed."

The two of them were silent again; though it was comfortable and he found her presence soothing after the events of the past few days.

"I was just..." Lily hesitated, as she glanced in the direction of the building, beginning to state her reasons for visiting and then obviously deciding an explanation wasn't needed. It wasn't. He knew well enough she would come to visit her husband on Christmas Day.

"The Foundation has closed down over the holidays," she said instead.

Severus nodded; "It has."

"Do you know why?"

Severus was quiet for a moment, wondering if Regulus would mind further elaboration. He glanced at her; noticed concern in her eyes and he wondered if his own feelings, his own distress, was so apparent. The softness in her expression, the obvious care in her eyes made him weaker and he allowed himself to confide in her.

"Regulus Black's lover was murdered last weekend."

Any relaxedness about her expression was gone and she looked at him, shocked; "Oh. Oh my God. I'm so sorry."

Severus lowered his eyes, feeling an unusual wave of sadness and blamed his over-emotional response on her proximity. What was it about her that brought out this side of him?

"I...are you okay? Were you friends?"

"Yes. We were. You met her at the party; Evelyn Redway."

Lily's expression dropped further, as putting a face to the victim obviously made the situation all the more real; "She had a son."

Severus nodded; "Malachi. He was attacked, also."

Lily looked horrified.

"He is recovering," he went on, unable to stop now that he had started; "We learned last night that he would survive," he glanced in the direction of the building, where the boy and his friend were currently; "He is Regulus' son. My Godson."

"Severus, that's awful," she whispered.

"Yes. Yes; it is."

He was looking at the ground and he could see Lily looking at him, having turned herself around so she was facing him fully, though she seemed unsure as what to do or say. He noticed her hand reach out, press against his arm. And, a moment later, she seemed to realise there was nothing she could say to make the situation any more bearable. Instead, he felt her hand, which was impossibly warm in this freezing weather, slip into his, squeezing it gently.

Severus drew in a trembling breath and then squeezed hers back.

XXX

Lily had been sad when she had returned from the hospital; more so than usual when she visited James and Sirius found himself unable to tell her what he had been rehearsing all week.

It was Christmas. He had been determined to stay for Christmas. To be there for Harry and for Dora. But now Christmas was over; it was after midnight. Boxing Day hardly counted and the children couldn't really appreciate the meaning of New Year, anyway.

He had waited too long.

What was he doing, anyway?

Sitting around, playing games, joking around, pretending like everything was okay. It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay.

James was gone. There was no hope of him ever returning.

And Lily was struggling; and it was becoming more and more unbearable to see her wasting her life away; wasting her time; hoping for something that would never happen. And the look in her eyes; that little bit of devastation he created every time he said it to her was becoming too much now.

And Remus was slipping away. No, not slipping; he was gone. At least to him. Sirius had lost him. It was no surprise, really; their relationship had been strained for years, yes. But he had never really looked at it as gone; just something that was broken, which time would repair. But that wasn't happening. It was becoming worse. And the look in Remus' eyes when he had confronted him about Lily the previous week had made him see it.

Remus was lost. Not just to him, but to himself.

And then there was a little boy. Harry. He was confused, distressed. He had lost any connection he may have ever had with James. The little boy had been robbed of his father.

All of this; it was the remains of the destruction caused by one Peter Pettigrew.

And right now, at this moment, Peter Pettigrew was running free. Had escaped paying the price for it all; was out there, somewhere, _laughing _at them all.

He couldn't pretend anymore.

He couldn't sit back and let things be. Not like this.

Peter Pettigrew would pay for what he had done to them; and Azkaban didn't even come close to an appropriate punishment for it.

Sirius scribbled a quick note to Lily, tucking it beneath the tea pot he knew she would use in the morning. The record player was still playing lightly as he shrugged himself into his cloak; as he stepped out the door, into the cold darkness of the night.

"_Someday soon, we all will be together if the fates allow.  
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow. So have yourself a merry little Christmas now..."_


	22. January 1987: New Year Blues

Chapter Twenty One

What would it take to finally break Regulus Black?

That was the question on Severus' mind as he entered the doors of the Foundation.

He imagined those attempting to destroy him will be reflecting on the very same issue, if they happen to see the man in question.

Of course, Regulus was already broken. Severus knew that. Whether or not Regulus knew that he knew was another matter and he found himself wondering if he ought to have confronted the situation more directly following Evelyn's murder. Instead, Severus had made himself available but kept his distance; and Regulus appeared to appreciate that distance, spending his time either at St Mungo's with his son or locked up in his bedroom in their home. The silence charm cast over the room making it very evident that he wished for privacy as he mourned his loss.

Severus understood. If the situation was reversed, he would also wish to be alone as he grieved. And, for that reason, he had simply left him to it. That, and the fact, that Severus Snape was most definitely not the type of man who would sit someone down and _demand_ that they pour out their innermost thoughts and feelings to him. As far as he was concerned, that was Narcissa or Andromeda's job.

However, while all this was going on, Severus was under the certain impression that Regulus was grieving, mourning, dealing with what had happened. That he was allowing himself to wallow in self-hatred, self-pity, regret, grief, and whatever else was necessary as part of the process.

Therefore, when Regulus had breezed into the room on the Monday morning, dressed smartly, looking fresh, that typical Regulus Black smile on his face; to say that Severus was surprised was an understatement. Furthermore, his friend has presented him with a pile of documents that he had obviously spent many hours on producing; the business projections and objectives of the Foundation for the year, as well as plans for potential projects, planned Board meetings, Learning Centre trips, among other things that Severus had not yet got around to studying.

In was the typical Regulus Black way of coping; burying his head in the sand and plastering a big smile on his face. Though the smile didn't meet his eyes that morning and Severus found himself unsure over how to broach the situation, remembering how the conversation had went that morning;

"_I__…__Are you planning on returning to the Foundation today?__"__ Severus was staring at his friend in complete, undisguised bafflement, as Regulus began gathering up his briefcase, piling in parchments._

"_Of course. We__'__ve lost over a week of productivity; I can__'__t just sit around here, can I?__"_

"_Well__…__it is hardly__…__don__'__t you think__…"__ Severus was at a loss._

"_I have completed most of the Commencement Year paperwork,__"__ Regulus stated, as he handed the documents to him; __"__If you have time?__"_

"_Yes, of course__…"__ Severus took the documents, slowly, glancing down and fingering through them in astonishment at the number of sheets. He cleared his throat; __"__Have you had any word on Malachi__'__s release from St Mungo__'__s? You know you still have not prepared a room for him.__"_

"_The Healers are still unsure if it is safe for him to leave. They want to observe him in case any complications arise.__"_

That was another thing that was confusing to Severus. Malachi had been in St Mungo's for sixteen days; eleven of which were after he had regained consciousness and he was certain that if any complications were going to arise, they would have seen signs of that already.

After Regulus had told Malachi about his mother's death, the boy hadn't spoken for three days. The Healers had thought that _that _was a complication of the treatments that he had received; perhaps that was why they wished to keep him so long.

But anyone could see that the boy was attempting to stomach the news that his mother was dead, gone. And that he, like Regulus, wanted time to process that. Now that Severus thought more about it, he realised that Malachi's way of dealing with the event was rather similar to his father's; he didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to acknowledge it and instead focused on other things that were completely unrelated. At least, that's how it went after the first day of tears and questions and the following three days of silence.

That could be a problem. Though he, himself, was hardly the sort of man to break down and weep over every misfortune sent his way, Severus knew that at least an acknowledgement and, eventually, acceptance of what had happened was essential in maintaining one's sanity. And if Regulus and Malachi continued to remain in denial, refusing to grieve or deal with their loss, it could lead to greater issues in future.

Though, for completely selfish reasons, Severus did find that there were benefits to himself due to their reserve. There was little awkwardness; there was no breaking of household items; no spontaneous bursts of emotion. While Severus was certain he would be completely useless if he were ever to find himself in a position where he had to be 'the shoulder' to Regulus' tears, while offering meaningless promises of a bright future, it was not necessary for him to dwell on such a thing as he had not been put in the situation where he was reminded how incredibly incompetent he was when it came to dealing with other people's emotions.

A familiar figure caught his attention and he turned slightly, though he didn't stop his own footsteps, glancing in her direction. It was Lily.

He fought the urge to turn and go after her, to greet her for the first time since the holidays. He hadn't seen her again since their brief encounter on Christmas Day and the small gesture of comfort she had offered had left him wishing, for the remaining duration of their time apart, that he had a right to contact her outside of work.

But the thought was silly and he had pushed it to the back of his mind; he had no reason to contact her, after all, what with operations being suspended, and the last thing he wanted was to come across Sirius Black. Times were trying enough without dealing with that imbecile. And he didn't particularly want to see her son either.

It appeared that said son was with her now; and seemed to be particularly petulant as Lily guided him down the corridor. He had known, of course, about Harry Potter. Had know about him for years. He couldn't really see him, just the back of his head; but it was enough to make the fact that Lily was married, that she actually had a child, all real to him.

He watched as she stopped and knelt down in front of the boy. She smiled, deep love clear in her eyes, at her son, brushed the hair off his face, said something to him. She frowned, obviously not pleased with what he had said, and stroke the side of his hair. The boy shook his head. Lily sighed and pulled him in for a hug, which the boy appeared to return grudgingly; and then she stood, taking his hand again, and headed further down the hallway, disappearing out of sight.

It was a side of her he had never seen. A side of her he had never, would never, know.

She was a mother.

XXX

"Mum, I don't want to!"

But, unfortunately, Sirius had made this decision for her when he had disappeared just over a week ago. There was no way that Harry could remain at muggle Primary School if Sirius wasn't there to collect him once school ended; and Remus, as much as he wanted to help, couldn't be there for them with the consistency that they needed. So Lily had taken Dumbledore's suggestion from the previous month and enrolled Harry at the Learning Centre for Wizarding Children at the Foundation; there were waiting lists, but employees of the organisation were guaranteed a place for their children if they so wished, so they had agreed to take him immediately upon enquiry.

"Sweetheart, you'll love it here," Lily attempted to convince Harry, as she led him towards the Phoenix Wing where the centre was located; "You'll get to make lots of new friends; friends who know all about magic, so it doesn't have to be a secret."

Harry perked up a little at that, though she had already used the same argument with him before, when she had first explained the change; "But, what about my muggle friends?"

"You can still see them; just not at school, that's all."

"Ron doesn't go here."

"No. No, he doesn't; but there are other children. Harry, really, you will enjoy it; you get to learn all about magic and things about witches and wizards -"

"No maths?" Harry's eyes widened, excitedly, at the prospect.

Lily gave him a grin; "I'm afraid English and mathematics is something you'll still be learning."

Harry pouted slightly, continuing to follow; "What about Uncle Sirius, Mum? What if he waits for me at my old school?"

"He won't."

"How do you know? He's been away a long time; he'll be back soon, won't he? He might think he has to pick me up."

"If he does, then your old teachers will explain to him that you have changed school. There's no need to worry."

"But I miss him; how long is his trip again? You said he wouldn't be away long."

Lily winced, remembering the lie she had told her son. That Sirius had to go away for a little while to help his family; that he would be back soon. Harry hadn't taken the news well; but he took it better than he would have if she had told him that his Uncle Sirius had simply ran off, with no plan, very little explanation, with the very likely intention of murdering Peter Pettigrew and ending up in Azkaban, leaving on a hastily scribbled note explaining his actions:

_Lily,_

_I have to do this. I can't just sit around while Peter runs free. Don't worry about me. I'll check in when I can. Give Harry a kiss for me._

_I'm sorry._

_Love, Sirius_

Lily had burned the letter instantly; it was silly, really. Harry wouldn't be able to read the whole letter; but he would be able to pick out some words; words like 'Sirius' and 'sorry' and those two words would have his imagination running wild. So she had destroyed it, not wanting to cause him more distress, explaining the situation only to Remus.

It was an unusual feeling; to be both furious at and terrified for someone. It wasn't something she had felt often; it wasn't something she had felt in a long time. Not since she was at Hogwarts, when she had told her best friend to walk away.

And so Severus came to mind again, as he kept doing recently. Most likely due to the absence of his company; it took her a couple of days after Christmas to realise that she missed him. Missed their conversations; their dinners; the way he'd roll his eyes at the silly things she'd say; the way his presence made her forget the troubles that were going on at home.

Severus didn't care, in some cases didn't even know, that Sirius and Remus' friendship was on the brink of collapse; that her son was growing increasing disenchanted by his father; that Harry was confused about their living situation; that her husband would probably never wake up; that Peter Pettigrew had escaped from Azkaban; that Sirius had up and left in the middle of the night.

All these things, things that haunted both her waking and sleeping hours, were something that Severus had absolutely no knowledge or care about. So he never spoke about them. Never questioned her about them. Never reminded her about them.

Instead, when she was with him it was a small reminder of the girl she was once; a sense of the person she could have been, if fate had dealt her a better hand.

Her time with him was her escape.

XXX

"Hi."

Severus couldn't help the small smile he gave as Lily took a seat across from him at their regular table, too pleased to finally see her again; "Lily."

"How was…" Lily stopped, thinking better of it; "Um…how are you?"

"I am well, thank you. How was your Christmas?" he asked the question she had been beginning to ask.

"Oh. It was…okay. It was alright, I suppose."

"Just alright? I was under the impression you had a son which, for parents, often makes the day more enjoyable." He remembered seeing Harry Potter with her earlier that day; "Have you enrolled your son in the Learning Centre?"

Lily looked surprised at the question, this being the first time he had ever broached the subject of her home life, and he wondered if he had been presumptuous by asking. Before either could say anything, a waitress arrived to take their orders, and by the time they had given them he assumed that he would not receive an answer to the question at all; and vowed to ensure he thought more carefully about the appropriateness of his questions in the future.

"Yes. Dumbledore suggested -"

"Dumbledore?" Severus interrupted; it was rude, but he was so surprised by the mention of the name that he blurted it out without thinking. He cleared his throat; "I apologise."

Lily raised an eyebrow, curiously; "Yes, Dumbledore. Well, he suggested it may be better for Harry to interact more with wizarding children; begin to develop his knowledge with magic."

"Did he give a reason as to why?" Severus asked, attempting to make himself sound nonchalant, though he was curious as to Dumbledore's interference.

"Only what I just said," Lily shrugged, and then went on; "I wasn't sure about it at first; Harry isn't too keen, but…" she glanced at him; "Well, Sirius disappeared over a week ago. I'm not sure if you heard about Peter Pettigrew?"

"Yes, I did hear."

"Sirius is determined to find him and return him to Azkaban."

Somehow Severus doubted that Sirius Black would have the restraint to simply catch the rat and peacefully bring him back. More likely his body parts would be quartered and hung on display for all to see; this is what happens when you cross James Potter and Sirius Black.

But he doubted that Lily would take the suggestion well, and he really wasn't interested in getting into a long, drawn out conversation about Black, so kept silent.

When he made no response, she went on; "So there wasn't really much choice. The Learning Centre keeps the children all day, after classes are complete, and with Sirius gone it's better for Harry to be closer to me, rather than hiring a stranger to take care of him-"

"What about the wolf?"

Lily looked at him sharply, obviously disapproving of the nickname; "For obvious reasons, Remus isn't always available."

"Excuse me?"

The two of them glanced up at the intruder; Andromeda Tonks. They exchanged greetings, while she kept anxious eyes on him; "Severus, can I had a word?"

"Yes, of course," he said as he stood, he gave Lily an apologetic glance, before following Andromeda to a table at the further side of the room, away from the prying ears of the others in the room; "Is something wrong?"

"Well," she raised an eyebrow; "The information speaks for itself, I'm afraid. I suppose you know who this is about?"

Until she asked, he hadn't had any idea why she had sought his company; now, however he was quite certain; "Your cousin, I suppose? What has he done?"

"Hmm," Andromeda rolled her eyes; "I did try to speak to him myself; but I think you're the only one who can really get through to him –"

"If this is about his faux-buoyant attitude –"

"It's not - though I suppose that's something to be concerned with as well – it's about Malachi."

XXX

Black or blue?

Why black or blue? Why not something brighter; why not orange or green? Yellow or pink?

Green, perhaps, would be best of them. The others may be a bit of a push for the class uniforms. Though the Slytherin connections may be a bit much.

"Regulus!"

He jumped, glancing at Severus, who had been standing on the other side of the desk for the past twenty minutes; the perfect picture of concern, agitation, apprehension and disappointment. He had disappointed him.

"Just stay out of it, Severus. Andie's already been on at me about it."

"Your cousin is under the correct opinion that her advice had little effect." He went on but Regulus didn't hear him, glancing down at the parchment he had been writing on.

Three potential trips; Edinburgh; London; Hogsmeade. Perhaps they should start looking overseas?

What would the children enjoy best?

"Regulus, are you listening to me?"

"Severus, I'm really busy –"

"Do not think you can dissuade me with your excuses, Regulus; what is the meaning of this? The Healers were willing to release Malachi three days ago, why are you keeping him in St Mungo's?"

Regulus felt his hands shaking and quickly sat on them, as he would do when he was a child to prevent himself from grabbing something he was interested in.

Severus shook his head, pressing his palms on the desk, leaning towards him; "Regulus? Explain it to me. I am not here to judge."

Regulus avoided his eyes, glancing across the room and catching sight of a little ornamental snitch that was sitting on one of the bookcases. Evelyn had given that to him.

He looked away from it; eyes landing on the calendar on the wall. Eyes going to the 23rd. Twenty three.

Twenty three.

Evelyn was twenty three.

Just twenty three.

Even twice that would be too young to die.

"He is your son, Regulus. That is something you cannot run away from."

Regulus met Severus' eyes at that.

He cleared his throat; "I haven't been able to find a place for him yet."

"A place – What are you talking about?"

"Well, Narcissa can't take him. And –"

"What – _Narcissa_? Regulus, the boy is obviously going to return to Newton's with us."

Regulus stood, turning his back to him, shaking his head; "No. No…he can't." He caught Severus' incredulous look and went on; "I've been in contact with Evelyn's brother. He said he might be able to –"

"Regulus, have you completely lost your mind? This is not some pet, some object you can just ship off because it is an inconvenience to you."

"I'm aware of that," Regulus snapped, turning around to look at him; "I'm trying to do what's right for him."

"And being raised by Evelyn's brother, one of the men who disowned her simply for becoming pregnant with him, is what you deem to be the correct thing to do for him?"

"What? You think _we _could do any better? Theodore has kids; he knows how to raise them. What do we know about raising a child?"

"_We_ do not need to know anything," Severus pointed out, clearly not pleased with him dumping any sort of parental responsibility on his shoulders; "This is your son, Regulus. _Yours. _That means something."

"Yes; it means that as soon as people know, as soon as people find out that I have a son, he's put in danger. Who's to say what happened to Evelyn won't happen to Malachi?"

"That is hardly a concern, considering the person responsible is already aware of Malachi's connection –"

"We don't know that. For all we know, they were just after Evie and Malachi just happened to be there."

"Oh, wake up, Regulus! The boy needs you. He has just lost his mother; the last thing he needs right now is for you to make, yet another, demonstration of your inadequate skills as a father."

Regulus glared at him; "Like you just said, I'm a terrible father. What makes you think I could be good for him?"

"Unfortunately people do not have the luxury of choosing their parents."

"He deserves more –"

"He deserves a father. You may be lacking in paternal skills now, but that is something that can only be changed with practice."

Regulus turned away from him again. He had done it before; he had tried. He couldn't be a father. Malachi deserved better than what he could give him. And there was still someone out there; someone capable of anything. Who wouldn't think twice about hurting Malachi if he knew he was his son.

He almost jumped when Severus appeared at his side. He glanced at him, then away, not meeting his eyes.

"If you walk away now, Regulus; Malachi will never forgive you. Don't make the same mistake with him that you did with Evelyn."

Regulus looked at him sharply; Severus held his eyes.

"After all; with a regrets list as long as yours, who would be crazy enough to add to it?"

XXX

Malachi's mum hated winter.

He did now too.

He remembered her once saying that the only good thing about winter was snow and Christmas and that Christmas only happens once and snow melts away so quickly that it isn't worth the three months of freezing cold weather.

She loved the spring.

She used to get excited when the first buds began to appear on the tree outside their house. She would take him down to the meadow to see all the new babies; the fawns; rabbit kits; fox cubs. Then she'd go around picking all the new plants and herbs that had just begun flowering and he would sit and draw or paint if the animals would stay still for it.

Once he had asked her if she could put a spell on them to freeze them in place for him to draw; she refused. That was cruel, she had said.

Now she was in heaven. But he once heard a story about someone who went to heaven; someone who came back to say hello to the people they loved. Maybe his mum would too.

He wondered what he would do this spring. Would his dad even care? Did he even know what he and his mother used to do?

His dad was always so busy. He was always off saving the world; that's what his mum would say. His dad would be a hero one day.

Malachi looked at his father; the hero. He wasn't so happy now. It made him look different. Older. But he supposed he wasn't happy either; and didn't his dad love his mum as well?

Dads love mums usually but his mum and dad were different.

But since he was so sad, he supposed that meant he did; he would never ask if he did. That was rude.

He had to be good. His best behavior. Just like his mum always told him whenever he spent time with his father.

He had cried when his dad told him his mum had died.

It made his dad cry too.

It was scary. His dad wasn't supposed to cry. His dad was brave. He was strong. He helped people.

So now he only cried when he knew his dad wasn't around.

"Does that sound okay, Malachi?"

His father had been telling him that he was going to go home with him and Severus. That he was going to live with them now. Always.

He didn't want to. He wanted to go to his own home. He wanted to go back home with his mum. Maybe if his dad had asked before Christmas, then he would have wanted to. Hadn't he always wanted to before? He had always wanted him and his mum to live with his dad.

"Malachi?"

He looked at his dad. He looked different. If his dad really was out saving people when he wasn't with them before, how come he couldn't save his mum? How come he was out saving the world but he couldn't save her?

But he was too scared to say that. He didn't want his dad to be angry. And he didn't want him to cry.

So Malachi nodded; and his dad smiled instead.

XXX

Author's Note: Thanks again to everyone who reviewed and alerted this story after the last chapter! I was ecstatic to reach 200 reviews :D

Jayc: He did survive! I couldn't kill a little boy. Really glad you liked the Severus and Lily part! She's just starting to move on from James now, so we'll see. Like you said, Sirius isn't around to put her off it anymore. Thanks so much for reviewing!

A: Hi! Thanks very much for your review! Sirius and Regulus are not on good terms in this fic, as seen in earlier chapters, and he hasn't ever met Evelyn or Malachi so doesn't have any attachment towards his nephew, the way that he does with Dora and Harry who he has strong relationships with. That said, there will be development between the Black brothers later in the story.

There will also be development with Malachi and Regulus and Severus; like you say, it'll be difficult for Severus to be completely uninvolved once he's living with them :) And I'm really glad you're enjoying the other relationships in the story, aside from the Severus and Lily one. Though their growing relationship is key, the other relationships are important and enjoyable to write so I'm glad you're interested in them.

I hope you continue to enjoy the fic!


	23. January 1987: There's The Rub

Chapter Twenty Two

"Perhaps it is time you inform me of your reasons for interfering with my projects at the Foundation?"

Severus had found it easy to push aside his curiosity regarding Dumbledore's request to Regulus, due to the unexpected turn of events over Christmas. He had assumed the old man would contact him and inform him of his intentions when the time arose; however, now that he had began classes once again at Hogwarts, finding himself in the Dumbledore's company again without so much as an acknowledgement of what had transpired, he decided he would wait no longer; and had made his way to his mentor's office as soon as the opportunity arose after his final class.

"Ah. Then young Regulus has informed you of my request."

"Did you doubt that he would?"

"He appeared sincere when I spoke with him."

"What right do you have to demand that one of my closest friends withhold information from me?"

Dumbledore regarded him without any remorse or shame; instead only offered: "This is a war, Severus. Sometimes it is necessary for secrecy."

"War? Really, Professor? Pardon my bad memory; I have been under the impression that the war ended in 1981."

"You are well aware that the war has not ended; only postponed until Voldemort returns. In the meantime it is essential that we do all we can to prepare ourselves for that eventuality."

"Very well. Though I hardly see why secrecy is necessary in this case; obviously you will need my cooperation in the future regarding this, therefore you may as well bring me into your circle of secrecy," Severus said, raising an expectant eyebrow at him.

Dumbledore smiled slightly at him; "As you wish, my boy. It is regarding information that we need to acquire regarding what happened on October 31st 1981."

Severus hesitated, surprised at the information, before he went on; "You believe we can discover what happened the night the Longbottom's were killed? How? Everyone present that night was killed."

"Not everyone, Severus."

Severus held his look for a moment and then closed his eyes, shaking his head; "Neville Longbottom? You would force a child to re-live the moment his parents died?"

"From the information Regulus has provided me with that will not be necessary. Your project will make it possible to enter his mind and extract the memory."

"With the child's cooperation. Not to mention the Grandmother's. And it is not quite as Regulus explained it, I gather. The child and I would have to search for the memory together. It would be distressing."

"But necessary."

Severus averted his eyes, not entirely comfortable with what the old man was asking him to do. To invade the child's mind, revive his most painful memory, and then take it to use as a simple instrument in the war effort. Even he did not think Dumbledore could be so heartless.

"And for what reason do you wish to view this memory?" Severus asked, though he was certain he could guess the answer.

"It is important that we discover the events that led to Frank and Alice's death. What happened when Neville confronted Voldemort."

"_Confronted?"_

Dumbledore ignored him, going on; "What we learn will be imperative when the time comes for the boy to face him in the future. As you are well aware, Severus, it is of vital importance that we learn of Voldemort's weaknesses; and an infant has managed to do what none of us had been able to. We must discover how this happened."

Severus pinched the bridge of his nose; "Have you attempted legilemency?"

"I was unable to find the memory. It appears the boy is blocking it."

"You asked him if he remembered anything?"

"Of course. He doesn't. These are questions that you already know the answers to."

Severus released a sigh; "Very well. But I will not deal with the boy or his Grandmother; it is your responsibility to ensure their cooperation."

"Of course; of course," Dumbledore smiled, obviously pleased that he had agreed with little argument.

"What does Harry Potter have to do with your plans?"

Dumbledore's smile vanished.

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing at all, Severus. What would make you think otherwise?"

"You have been interfering with his schooling."

"I have no sinister intentions, Severus; it is only friendly advice for Lily Potter. I grew fond of the family during the war; you are aware the Potters were Order Members."

Severus was uncertain if the old man was being honest. Knowing him, he probably wasn't; but he could tell from his stoic stance that he would receive no information from him regarding his question.

"I was not aware that Mrs Potter and yourself had renewed your acquaintance," Dumbledore went on, enquiringly.

"If you are so close to her that you are offering parenting advice then you must be aware that she is currently completing a Fellowship with the Foundation."

"Ah. Yes, I was aware."

The two of them fell silent.

"And she confides in you, does she?" Dumbledore was fighting a smile now; eyes twinkling.

Severus scowled; "We speak. That is all."

"Now now, Severus no need to be bashful. You forget I know all about –"

"Choose your words wisely, Professor. Do not think that I am the same boy who came crawling to you six years ago."

Dumbledore was smiling fully now; "Of course not. I wouldn't dare. Though I am pleased you have renewed your acquaintance. A confidant will do her good."

"She has friends."

"Apparently you are one of them."

"What of it?" Severus was becoming irritated now, wondering how the old man had managed to turn the conversation around on him. He felt as if he had just walked into a trap. Was this another relationship Dumbledore would use to pester him in the future?

Dumbledore only smiled again, not at all affected by Severus' annoyance; "Nothing at all, Severus. Like I said; I am pleased."

Severus couldn't help but think that the statement sounded like more of a threat.

XXX

"Mrs Gillan said I need to get this form signed," Harry stated, handing out a piece of parchment to her.

Lily took it from her son, glancing over it with a frown; "Harry, this is for piano lessons."

"I know."

Lily looked at him apologetically; "Sweetheart, of course if you want to learn piano then you can," she glanced down at the sheet again as she went on; "But these lessons are for people who have already started."

"But I have."

Lily looked at him sharply; "You have? When?"

"Uncle Sirius has been teaching me."

Lily was stunned at the information; "Your Uncle Sirius? Sirius plays the piano?"

"Yeah." Harry gave her a look that seemed to say; _don't you know anything, Mum?_

And she realised that maybe she didn't. It was the same question she found herself asking herself almost every day when it came to her son. How on Earth had they managed to get this by her?

Lily shook her head, noticing Harry was looking at her expectantly, and walked over to the desk, lifting a quill to sign it; "That's wonderful, Harry. Where has he been teaching you?"

"When we visit Mrs Tonks. She has a piano. Uncle Sirius said their mums and dads forced them to learn when they were little. But it's fun."

"I see. How long have you been learning?"

"Dunno. Ages. When's Uncle Sirius coming home?"

"I'm not sure."

"He still hasn't flooed or anything. How do you know he's okay?"

"I'm sure he's fine, Sweetheart. He's just very busy just now."

"How come I couldn't go with him?"

"Because you have school."

"You know _legally _I don't have to go to school."

"Who told you that?" Lily looked at him with a frown.

"One of the boys at the Phoenix Centre. Goyle."

_Goyle. _Lily frowned; wasn't Goyle senior tried for being a Death Eater?

"Well, what he told you isn't true. If you don't go to school then someone needs to come and teach you at home," Lily explained, rolling up the parchment she had signed after ensuring the ink had dried.

"He thought it was weird I went to muggle school. He said _real _wizards don't do that."

"I went to muggle school," Lily handed the rolled up parchment to him, "And so did Uncle Remus. Don't we seem like real witches and wizards?"

He shrugged, "I guess he was lying."

Lily nodded, suddenly wondering if it was right to send him to a wizarding school. Wasn't he too young to be exposed to the kinds of prejudices that muggleborns and half-bloods were sure to encounter?

"Uncle Sirius could do that."

"Do what?"

"Teach me at home."

"Uncle Sirius isn't here. And he isn't qualified to teach you; you would need a proper tutor."

"Maybe if you flooed and saw him –"

"Harry, your Uncle Sirius will come home when he can."

Harry hadn't stopped talking about Sirius since she had explained that he had left; so many questions, so many innocent suggestions; they were becoming increasingly irritating and her anger that the man responsible grew with each one.

"What about Uncle Remus?"

"What about Uncle Remus?" Lily repeated, as she handed him his cloak.

"Maybe he could become a tutor and teach me; he's always saying he can't find a job."

Lily frowned, kneeling down so she was facing him; "Harry, is there something wrong at the Phoenix Centre? Is someone upsetting you?"

Harry looked confused at the question; "No. Why would they make me upset?"

Relieved at the obvious bafflement that anyone would attempt to hurt him, Lily rose to her feet and swung her cloak around herself; "It is just strange that you are asking to be home schooled. It's not something you've ever been interested in before."

Harry shrugged; "It seems like fun. Ron does it."

"Yes, but then you wouldn't get to see any other children. You wouldn't be able to make friends; or play. Or go on trips."

"Trips?" Harry's eyes brightened and she smiled at his excitement.

"Yes, trips. I believe they're planning one for next month."

"Really?" Harry's excitement grew; "We're doing a play as well, they said. Something for Valentine's Day."

"Oh, yes? Valentine's Day."

She had never liked Valentine's Day. But she disliked it even more now. She had only ever enjoyed one; Valentine's Day 1979; the day James proposed.

It had been a disaster of a meal; her parents had been visiting Petunia and Vernon so he had offered to make dinner for her at her house, burning everything except the raw salad that was to be served as a side dish and the ice cream they were having for desert, setting the smoke alarms off and worrying the neighbours.

The Bee Gees asked them 'how deep is your love?' while he got down on one knee and asked her the same.

"You see; you wouldn't be able to do those things if you were home schooled. It'd just be you."

Harry frowned, obviously not pleased with the idea; "Oh. Well...I guess school's better then."

Lily smiled, pulling the door open, and reaching out a hand to him; "Come on, you, let's go."

XXX

Malachi rubbed his hands against his trousers, glancing nervously around the large room. Long strips of parchment hung from the walls, badly done paintings obviously by children covering them and some of them hung off the wall making the place look worn. But everything was bright. Very bright. Colourful toys littered around the room; desks lined up along the middle in three rows; children his age, some maybe a little older, sat at them obviously not at all interested in the books before them.

"Hello Malachi."

He glanced up at the stranger who had addressed him. He didn't like meeting new people. He didn't know why; his parents always made it look so easy; talking. He didn't like it. He never knew what to say and half the time he got the impression that no one was really interested; they would just nod and say things like 'that's nice' or 'aren't you clever' or 'well, that's very interesting'. The only person who ever said anything any different was his mum and, when he was around, his dad.

Miss Quinn was nice too. But now he only got to see her on Saturdays. His dad wanted him to 'socialise'; which really meant he wanted him to go out and talk to these strangers who were now all staring at him curiously from their desks.

"Mrs Potter."

Malachi turned his attention to the woman his dad had spoken to; a smiling woman. And, as if to prove a point, the two began a brief, easy conversation. He glanced at the boy whose shoulder the woman had her hand on. The boy glanced at him briefly before he tugged himself out of the woman's grasp and made his way towards one of the desks.

His dad was still talking. Sometimes he wondered if his dad ever _stopped _talking. Maybe that's why he was always away; no one could talk as much as him so he had to keep finding new people who would listen. And then they'd get bored and they'd move on. Severus didn't talk much. And he almost _never _spoke to him. But he would sit and listen to his dad; would say things that he didn't really understand but he guessed he was making fun of his dad because his dad would roll his eyes and laugh.

They were funny sometimes. He would watch them and listen to them. Sometimes they would say such nasty things to each other; things he would _never dream _of saying to another person; and the other one would just laugh or roll their eyes as if it was joke. As if it was funny. He never spoke to people like that. Maybe that's why he didn't have any friends. Though he had seen someone speak in a similar way to someone in the street once; and the other guy had punched him in the face. _That _wasn't something he ever wanted to experience.

"Well, I'll see you at the end of the day, Beansprout," his dad said, finally stopping his conversation with the lady with the red hair, and kneeling down in front of him. He ruffled his hair and smiled; "I'll be right down the hall, so you don't have to worry. If you need me, just tell Mrs Gillan here or one of the other teachers, okay?"

Malachi nodded; though he knew better than to disturb his father at work.

He only moved when his dad's hands turned him and urged him in the direction of the other children, most of whom had lost interest in him now and were talking energetically amongst themselves. A paper aeroplane flew across the room and one of the teachers shouted, making him jump.

He quickly sat down at one of the free desks.

"Hi."

Malachi looked sharply at the boy who had spoken to him; his movement so quick that the other boy jumped slightly and then smiled; it was the same boy who he had seen at the door: "I'm Harry."

He forced a smile; "I'm Malachi." And then he didn't know what to say. He looked away, feeling himself reddening beneath Harry's curious gaze.

"How old are you?"

"Five."

"I'm six."

He was silent.

"Was that your dad?"

"Uh huh."

"He looks like my uncle. So do you."

"Who's your uncle?"

"Sirius."

Malachi shrugged apologetically, feeling as if he was disappointing him; "I don't know him."

"Oh."

They were quiet again. He fiddled with the book in front of him; was he supposed to be reading it? He glanced up at the teachers, who were gathered together at the front of the room. Miss Quinn would always tell him what he was supposed to do during her lessons.

"Do you like chocolate frogs?" Harry asked him.

Malachi eyed the sweet the other boy was holding out to him; he bit his lip, "Uh huh."

Harry smiled and shook the hand that was holding out the sweet to him. Malachi smiled and took it from his eagerly; "Thanks."

"No; thank _you_, Mr Black." The sweet was promptly plucked from his hand by a teacher they hadn't noticed walking by; "There's no eating in the classroom; we wait until break time."

Malachi glared at her back as she retreated and Harry laughed. He looked at the laughing boy with a frown;

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just that you _really_ looked like my Uncle Sirius when you did that."

"Does he get mad a lot?"

"Not with me. He takes me flying."

Malachi's eyes widened; "Flying? Really? On a broom?"

"Uh huh. Haven't you ever been? Doesn't your dad take you?"

"No. My dad's really busy."

"Oh. My dad doesn't do anything with me, either."

"It's not my dad's fault, though," Malachi said, suddenly having the urge to defend his father, and glancing around the room as if he might have heard.

Harry shrugged; "Not mine's either, I guess."

Harry looked sad. Sad like Malachi felt. And he felt himself relax a bit this time, as he turned his attention to his book.

"Alright, everyone," one of the teachers spoke up loudly, as the group of teachers dispersed; "Let's get started, shall we?"

"I have more chocolate frogs," Harry whispered, leaning towards him; "I'll give you some at break."

Malachi smiled shyly; "Thanks," he whispered back.

XXX

Malachi's eyes are blue.

Like Evelyn's. Like the pictures of the perfect blue oceans in holiday brochures; blue, blue, blue. And they were haunting; every time he looked into his son's eyes he found himself thinking of her. It was like she was still watching him, through their son's eyes, even though she was gone. She was watching; judging. And Malachi had even had that same disappointed look in his eyes, the exact same as his mother's, when he had told him about the Phoenix Centre.

But the boy never voiced any complaints. It was all in the eyes. Almost as if it wasn't him at all that disapproved; but his mother. Evelyn making her own opinion of the move known.

Malachi had moved into Newton's with him the previous week. Since then he had seen a side to his son that he had rarely, if ever, seen. Almost brooding, which, of course, was expected considering the circumstances. But it was painfully familiar, the expression on his face. The angry, hate the world, look. A look he had seen often as a child.

His son looked exactly like his brother.

He didn't know how hadn't noticed it before. Maybe he was simply imagining it, because Severus had just told him that Sirius had run off with the intention of hunting Pettigrew, and he was on his mind.

But he knew better.

Sometimes when Malachi was deep in thought, he would turn and look directly at him; and it would be like Sirius watching him, disapproving of him; Evelyn's eyes haunting him.

And he couldn't help but wonder if Malachi was sent to him as a complete embodiment of every mistake he had ever made in his life. Some sort of cruel joke sent by the fates.

His son; a reminder of all the sons and fathers he had taken during the war; a reminder of his own failure as a father; the physical image of his brother who had got away; and the eyes of the lover whom he had gotten killed.

These thoughts were only confirmed that evening, as he lay next to his son in bed, attempting to read him to sleep with a book the boy had picked.

"I met a boy today; his name was Harry."

"Harry Potter?"

"I dunno. He didn't tell me his last name. But he said I looked like his uncle."

_Harry Potter for sure._

"Ah. I see."

"His name's Sirius," Malachi turned his head so he was looking up, straight at him; "Do you know him?"

Regulus held his son's look for a moment; blue, blue eyes daring him to lie. He cleared his throat and closed the book, letting it rest forgotten on the bed sheets. Malachi pushed himself into a sitting position.

Regulus nodded the affirmative, leaning back; "Yes. Sirius is my brother."

Malachi straightened in surprise; "I didn't know you had a brother."

"We don't see very much of each other. We aren't close."

"Not friends?"

"Nope. Not friends."

"How come?"

"It's complicated."

"Why?" Malachi frowned, with the bewilderment of a child who couldn't possibly begin to comprehend how a relationship with someone could be complicated; simply like or dislike.

"Well, we just don't speak."

"You don't like each other?"

"I suppose we don't." Though that wasn't entirely true. He wasn't sure of Sirius' feelings towards him; but his feelings towards his brother were a bit more complex than that; disappointment, abandonment, resentment, jealousy. There were a number of unpleasant emotions he felt towards his brother; though he'd never really considered dislike, or hate, to be one of them.

"Is it okay for me to speak to Harry? Even though you don't like his uncle?"

"Yeah, sure. Of course it is. You can be friends with whoever you want."

"Did Severus know him?"

"Who? Sirius?"

Malachi nodded.

"Uh...a little."

"Did he not like him either? I don't want him to be mad."

"Severus won't be mad. He won't care," Regulus said, carefully avoiding the first question.

Malachi smiled, pulling out a collection of chocolate frog cards; "Good. Harry gave me five chocolate frogs today –"

"_Five? _Don't the teachers watch what you're eating?"

Malachi shrugged; "There's so many of us. I don't think there's enough teachers."

"That right?" _I'll have to do something about that._

Malachi held the cards out to him with a smile; "He's nice to me."

Regulus took the cards, glancing through them with faux-interest, "That's good. I'm glad you're making friends."

"Will Draco start coming to the centre too?"

Regulus handed the cards back to him, ruffling his hair; "No. Draco gets taught at home."

"Like I used to."

"Yep."

"Wait. If Harry's uncle is your brother...does that mean he's _my _uncle too?" Malachi was frowning, contemplatively, making the connection.

Regulus hesitated, "Uh...yeah. Yeah, that's right."

"Has he ever seen me? When I was little?"

"No," Regulus shook his head, stroking his son's hair; "We had stopped speaking before that."

"Can I see a picture of him? So I can see if I really look like him?"

"I don't have one."

At his son's disappointed look he found himself adding; "Your Auntie Andie does. You can ask her the next time we see her."

"What about Auntie Cissy? I see her more."

"I...don't think she has a picture of him either."

"Oh," Malachi frowned, glancing down at the cards in his hands.

"Now," Regulus changed the subject and lifted the book from his lap, "Do you want to hear the rest of the story?"

Malachi smiled and nodded.

"Well, get tucked back in," he said, grabbing the covers and shaking them.

"Stop! It's cold!" Malachi laughed in protest, grabbing the edge of the covers and trying to pull them down.

Regulus chuckled, waving his wand to light the fire at the other side of the room.

XXX

Severus had noticed it that morning.

It was so faint he wondered if he was seeing things. If his mind was just playing tricks on him. There was no pain; no feeling to indicate that it was there when he had run a finger over it. But it was there; the outline of it.

"Trust Dumbledore to take someone else good intentions and turn it into a question of the ethics of warfare."

Regulus couldn't believe the information Severus had just given him; that Dumbledore wished to use the findings of Project Orion in order to invade the mind of a six year old. He wondered if he had even noticed yet; if he had noticed the tell-tale mark of their mistakes.

"True."

"So you're going to go along with it?"

"What choice is there? If I do not, it could lead to the success of the Dark Lord." Severus raised an eyebrow.

"Ends justifying means, huh?"

"Please, spare me your morality lectures, Regulus." Severus made his way to the drink cabinet, pouring himself a drink once he got there. He was becoming agitated. Uneasy. His hand went to his forearm, briefly; he didn't want to bring it up. As if talking about it made it real.

"Then why did you tell me about it in the first place?"

"Because you asked."

Regulus was silent, clearly unable to counter the statement.

Severus glanced in the direction of the hallway; "How did Malachi enjoy his first day?"

"He met Harry Potter."

Severus could see the amusement in Regulus' expression; he ignored it, though was relieved to see a glimpse of the sparkle that hadn't quite managed to meet his friend's eyes over the past couple of weeks; "I see."

"Getting along pretty well. Apparently the little Potter was attracted to him because he looks like my brother."

"Ah. How wonderful. I haven't noticed the resemblance myself."

"Really?"

"Really."

Regulus looked doubtful, though it was the truth. He hadn't really looked upon Sirius Black properly in years and he hadn't ever looked at Malachi and been reminded of the other Black brother; though after this exchange he was beginning to think he might do now.

"Anyway, the whole incident got Malachi asking questions about Sirius. I told him he was my brother and other bits of information. Just a heads up, in case he comes asking you."

"I'm sure I can handle it."

After all, Sirius Black was nothing; an insignificant weed, compared to what else he would soon have to face, if what he had seen was true; if it had not been a trick of the light; his subconscious playing tricks on him.

"I asked about Dumbledore because you seem distracted," Regulus stated, returning to their earlier subject; "What's up with you?"

Severus met his eyes. He held them a moment; long enough to worry the other, long enough for Regulus to look apprehensive.

He swallowed back any hesitation; any foolish thoughts that ignoring the issue would make it go away. Told himself Regulus could handle it; he was going through so much right now, the timing of this was abysmal, but it was not something that could be ignored. Not something that could be swept aside.

This was something that Regulus couldn't pretend wasn't happening.

"Have you looked at your left forearm recently?"

Regulus paled.

And for a moment a deafly silence fell over them.

Regulus hand was shaking as he reached up, clawed at the sleeve of his robe and ripped back the fabric of his shirt, revealing his arm. Severus stepped closer as the two of them glanced down at it.

And there it was.

Faint. But there.

Just like his.

The Dark Mark was returning.

XXX

Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and added the story to alerts since the last chapter!

Jayc: Hi! Sorry, no Lily and Severus scene this chapter but I hope it was still enjoyable :). Thanks very much for reviewing!


	24. February 1987: A Little Bit Hopeful

Chapter Twenty Three

"You sent him away, didn't you?"

It had been six weeks since Sirius had left and since then there hadn't been even a whisper of his whereabouts. Harry had been growing increasingly anxious as time went on and by now even Lily was becoming apprehensive; was there a reason he hadn't contacted them? Was it possible that, for some reason, he _couldn't _contact them? Perhaps he was hurt; or worse...

"No, Harry. I told you, your Uncle Sirius –"

"You said he was away helping his family! You were lying! There's nothing wrong with his family, Malachi told me!"

"Sweetheart, Malachi is a little boy," Lily explained, her lie too far gone now for her to take it back; "He wouldn't know if there were problems with the Blacks."

"We're not babies, Mum! You're lying to me!"

Lily released an agitated sigh at the accusation; the accusation that was entirely true. But what could she possibly say to him now? That she had no idea where Sirius was? That he may have been injured? May be missing? May never come back?

"Your Uncle Sirius will come back when he can."

Harry was glaring at her, a darkness in his eyes she had never seen; and then he swung an arm sending his breakfast bowl across the room. She jumped as the bowl smashed against the counter, sending milk, cereal and ceramic flying in all directions.

"Harry!"

He put his hands on the table, shoving his chair back, and made to storm from the room. Lily was on her feet instantly, a hand reaching out to grab him by the arm, stopping his escape;

"Just what do you think you are doing?" She was in his face now and he was glaring back at her with a defiance that James had never looked at her with; but it was still familiar and it took her a second the recognise that it was the same look Sirius would often give when they were arguing.

"You sent him away! I _know _you did! I heard you, remember; you told him you didn't want to live here anymore and that you wanted to take me away. And now he's had to go! It's not fair! I told you I don't want my dad; I want Uncle Sirius! And now he's gone; just like him! This is your fault!"

"Don't you forget who you're talking to, young man," Lily snapped, feeling herself tense up at the disrespect by which he was addressing her and James'; "That is your father you're talking about."

"I don't care! I don't _care_ about him! You made Uncle Sirius go away because all you ever think about is my dad! And now he's angry! He's angry because that's all you care about! You don't care about anything else!"

"Stop it, Harry; that's not true!"

"It is! It is true!" He shoved against her but she kept a tight hold of his arm; "I don't wanna live with you! I wanna live with Uncle Sirius!"

"Well, Harry, that's just too bad," she stated, firmly, at a loss at how to reason with him, having never experienced anything like this from him before; "I'm your mother; you stay with me."

"You're such a bad mum!" he declared, making her heart drop; "You don't even love me!"

"Harry," she whispered, shaking her head, the hand holding him relaxing and the other coming up to take his other arm; "Harry, that's not true. I love you so much; _so _much. You're my whole life, Harry."

Tears were slipping down his cheeks but he was still regarding her with the same defiance as he vehemently shook his head; "No! My _dad's _your whole life. I've heard what Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus say; that all you want is to get him back. That everything you do is all about him."

"For you, Sweetheart; for us –"

"But I don't want him back! I told you already! You never listen to me!"

Lily was rendered speechless at her son's outburst; could only stare into the eyes of the hurt, broken boy before her, as a feeling of nausea built up within her and her heart pounded in her chest. She wondered how on Earth she had managed to let things get this far; so far, without her even realising it.

"Harry –"

"I hate you," he whispered, staring straight at her. And there was such sincerity in his eyes as he said it that it took her breath away and her hands fell from his arms. She felt her own tears building up and Harry's hard expression dropped. He took a step towards her;

"Mum –"

"Go to your room."

"I've got school –"

"I said go to your room!"

He jumped back at the volume of her order; stared at her a moment longer, before his expression finally crumbled and he turned and ran from the room, as she sank to the floor.

XXX

"I made my mum cry," Harry said, quietly. His stomach felt funny; tight; and he felt sick remembering it. Malachi looked at him but didn't say anything.

"I told her I hated her," Harry explained further, leaning back on the beanbag they were sitting on.

Malachi looked thoughtful, before he stated; "That was a really nasty thing to say."

"I do sometimes, though," Harry revealed, feeling guiltier as he said it; "She doesn't understand. She's not like Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus. She doesn't listen like they do; she just always thinks she's right."

"She's your mum. Mums _are _always right."

"No they're not."

"They're more right than dads are," Malachi said, quietly; and Harry remembered that Malachi's dad was a really bad dad too, even though Malachi would never admit it.

Malachi went on; "You shouldn't have told her you hated her. Even if you think you do."

"Why?"

He shrugged; "Because she loves you. And you love her too."

"How do you know?"

"Because sometimes I thought I hated my mum too. And now she's dead."

Harry felt a sudden pang of panic, wondering if in some way him saying he hated his mum meant that something would happen to her now; now she might die. He suddenly felt even more like he wanted to be sick.

"I don't want my mum to die," he whispered.

"See. That's how you know."

Harry looked at Malachi with a frown; "How? There's loads of people I don't want to die. I don't want Mrs Gillan to die," he stated, glancing in the direction of the first teacher he saw.

"Yeah, but you get upset when you think about your mum dying."

"I don't wanna talk about my mum dying. Stop saying that."

"Sorry." Malachi shrugged.

Even though they had stopped talking about it, he couldn't stop thinking about it. What if his mum did die? Malachi's mum died. And she was younger than his mum. And Malachi loved her; he didn't want to go and live with his dad. Harry felt his breath coming quicker, a lump in his throat, as he panicked at the idea; he would miss his mum so much if she died.

"Don't cry, Harry," Malachi said, quietly.

Harry quickly rubbed his arm against his eyes, wiping the tears away; "I'm not." He felt embarrassed now; embarrassed and sad.

He looked over at Malachi, who was looking through the book in his lap. Harry watched him for a minute; Malachi's mum had _died_. It was so horrible to think about. And Malachi had been really sad when he first told him about it; but he talked about his mum now without getting as upset as before.

"Do you miss your mum?"

Malachi nodded, not looking up from the book.

"I'm sorry she died."

"Why? You didn't know her."

Harry was quiet a moment, not really sure why he was sorry, before he shrugged; "I'm sorry that it made you sad."

Malachi looked at him, his eyes were sad, but he still smiled. He smiled a lot, Harry noticed. Even when he wasn't really happy; "Thanks."

"Why did you say you hated her?" Malachi went on.

"She won't tell me where Uncle Sirius is."

"My dad doesn't know either."

Harry looked at him, eagerly; "Did you ask him?"

Malachi nodded; "Yeah. But he doesn't know. He said he never knows anything about him, because they don't talk."

"That's funny. If I had a brother, I'd want to talk to him all the time."

"Me too. Or a sister."

"Girls are gross," Harry declared.

Malachi frowned, looking at him curiously, as if Harry knew everything; "Why? What do they do?"

Harry shrugged; "Nothing. I just heard the older boys say it."

"I heard older boys say they're good."

"Good? Good at what?"

Malachi shrugged; "I dunno. But aren't men happier when they're married?"

Harry thought on that a minute before he frowned; "I don't know anyone that's married. Except Mr Weasley."

"Who's that?"

"Ron's dad."

"My Uncle Lucius is married. He's scary."

"How?"

"Just is."

"Oh. Well, I know that most kids' parents are married. They're supposed to be. If my mum was married she'd be happier. And she wouldn't have to work anymore."

"Isn't your mum married to your dad?" Malachi asked, curiously.

"No. My dad's gone." He'd told him this before.

"But _before_," Malachi elaborated and Harry shrugged;

"I guess. But I don't remember it. I was a baby."

"My mum didn't get married."

"Not to your dad?"

Malachi shook his head; "No. My dad was too busy."

"How can you be too busy? It's only one day."

"What is?"

"Getting married."

"No. It's forever," Malachi said, insistently, with a frown; this time deciding that he was right.

"I meant the wedding part, not being married."

"Oh."

"I want my mum to marry Uncle Sirius," Harry stated. Malachi snickered and Harry gave him an affronted frown; "What?"

"It's not up to you. Besides, I don't think your mum likes him."

"What? How would you know?"

"Because you keep telling her that you love him more than her. _And _you keep tell telling her you love him more than your dad; and she still loves your dad."

"It's stupid!" Harry declared, ceasing the opportunity to comment on the last statement; "My dad is, like, dead."

"How come your dad being dead doesn't make you sad?" Malachi lay back on the beanbag, pushing his book aside.

Harry shrugged; "Dunno. I don't remember him."

"Well, your mum does."

Harry shook his head; remembering that she had kissed Remus a little while ago; "Even if she doesn't like Uncle Sirius it doesn't matter. She could marry Uncle Remus instead."

"Maybe your mum can marry my dad and make him happier," Malachi joked. But Harry didn't think it was funny. It was brilliant! If his mum married Malachi's dad then they would be _brothers_; and then his mum _really _wouldn't have to work because Malachi's dad was rich and he worked all the time.

But that wouldn't make Malachi happy, probably. Because he wanted his dad home more, the same as he wanted his mum home more.

"It would be good if they did," Harry said, instead; "Then we could be brothers."

Malachi looked at him, still joking around when he said; "We could pretend to be brothers. We're already like cousins now."

"Yeah!" Harry grinned, remembering how his Uncle Sirius connected them. And then he remembered what Malachi said; that Uncle Sirius and Malachi's dad didn't like each other. So maybe they wouldn't be allowed to see him if that happened. And he didn't want him to have to go away. If he ever came back.

"Yeah. We could just pretend," Harry agreed, instead, smiling at him.

Malachi smiled back at him; and this time Harry could tell it was real.

XXX

Severus almost didn't notice Lily's agitation, his own mind elsewhere as they ate. The Dark Mark had returned; it seemed as if it was becoming darker, more prominent, with each passing day. Time was running out. And Dumbledore and Regulus weren't getting any further in their mission to find the horcruxes. He had offered his help; however they had both quickly rebuffed his offer, Dumbledore particularly furious that Regulus had informed Severus what they were planning.

Instead, Dumbledore had insisted that Severus continue to focus on Project Orion; with their quest to find the missing horcruxes failing, they needed to be prepared for 'all eventualities'.

In order words; they needed to be prepared for the immortal Dark Lord's return.

Even Lily's presence was doing little to quell his anxiety. It was happening. It was really happening.

And he was terrified.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked, regarding him with concern.

He nodded; "Yes. I am fine."

"You haven't eaten anything."

Severus glanced down at his plate, which remained full but looked a mess, as he had been shoving the food around disinterestedly with his fork since it had arrived. He cleared his throat, lowering his cutlery; "I am not very hungry."

He wasn't really. He was rarely hungry at lunch time. But Lily was no longer available to meet in the evenings due to having to collect her son from the Phoenix Centre after work and he hadn't wanted to turn down the opportunity to keep their regular meetings. So he had willingly agreed when Lily had suggested they begin meeting at lunch time rather than for dinner.

He glanced at Lily's plate, which also looked untouched, save for a few bites of meat. Going by her logic, he assumed something was on her mind also; "Are _you_ alright?"

Lily raised her eyes to his and he could clearly see that she wasn't; that something was weighing heavily on her mind. But she glanced back down and shook her head; "Yes. I'm fine, too."

What pitiful liars we both are, he thought to himself, lifting his water for a drink.

He supposed it had something to do with Black. Malachi had been pestering Regulus on behalf of Harry Potter all week regarding him.

"No word from Black, I presume?"

Lily sighed, looking relieved he had brought it up; "No. Nothing. Harry is becoming very frustrated."

"Yes. I have heard."

She looked at him sharply; "What do you mean?"

"You son has been attempting to extract information from Regulus regarding him. Obviously he knows nothing about Black's whereabouts."

"Oh," Lily frowned, looking downwards; "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?" Severus frowned, "What have you got to be sorry for?"

Lily shook her head, closing her eyes; "I don't know. Lots of things, I suppose."

Severus suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable and made an uneasy glance around the room, wondering if anyone was watching them. The interest in the two of them had faded somewhat now; but there were always gossips lurking within these walls. And the last thing he wanted was to instigate a conversation that would result in bringing her to tears, for the whole company to see.

"Regulus' son is growing quite fond of your son. It is only natural they should discuss what is troubling them. And Malachi is becoming increasingly interested in his uncle due to Harry's tales regarding him. It is nothing for you to be concerned or sorry for."

"I lied to him," Lily stated, out of the blue, looking up at him; "I told him that Sirius was helping family. Obviously I had not expected Harry to become friends with someone who is part of that family. He knows, now. But I don't know what to say, now the lie has gone on for so long."

"It was a very small lie," Severus offered; he had had his own experience of lies and this one was miniscule. Insignificant; a pathetic excuse for a lie. But it appeared to mean a great deal to Lily.

"It's Harry's reaction to it that's what's worrying."

"I see." Children did have the tendency to overdramatise the smallest of things.

"Sometimes I look at him and –" She shook her head; "I swear it's Sirius looking back at me, not –" she glanced at him, looking a bit startled, before she quickly went on; "Sometimes it's like he's more Sirius' son than mine."

"Perhaps you should tell him to back off."

Lily shrugged and he wondered if she already had.

"And I hadn't expected him to be gone so long, either," she went on, "I mean, six weeks? It's a long time, right? Without word? He's never been away so long –" She was rambling on about a subject Severus couldn't care less about but he forced himself to maintain his interest, or at least the appearance of it. She had clearly been holding in these feelings for a while. "- I mean, he knows how upset Harry would be. He wouldn't leave it this long...what if he's hurt? That's what I keep thinking – what if he _can't _get in touch...what if something terrible has happened to him?"

_Merlin forbid._

"I'm sure he is fine."

Lily looked at him sharply, as if she was just realising who it was she was talking to, and then pressed her lips together, looking embarrassed and disappointed, before she glanced back down at her food and lifted a piece to her lips. Severus thought she might gag on the item, as she forced it down her throat and reached for her glass of water.

"I can...try and find out more information for you, if you would like?"

Lily looked at him over her glass.

"I have...some connections. People who are also keen to find Peter Pettigrew. I can find out if they have come across Black in their ventures." He didn't know why he was offering it. He was certain Lucius would be suspicious if he started asking about the search for him.

Lily was regarding him with a mixture of curiosity, confusion and gratitude; "Oh...um. Yes. Thank you." She frowned, before going on; "What connections?"

"No one you know," he lied; "Business associates."

"Oh."

She didn't believe him, he could tell. But that was of no consequence, really. He was hardly going to start confessing his past sins in the middle of the Foundation bistro, after all. And, really, he didn't feel that it was necessary at all. Though his mind challenged that conclusion; the Dark Mark was a frequent reminder that time was running out, that soon he would be consorting with Death Eaters once again, if Dumbledore's intentions didn't change, and shouldn't she know what he would have to do? What if she found out some other way?

It would be the end of their friendship for good this time.

But he still held back. He wasn't ready for it yet.

What's to say that the simple confession of it wouldn't break them?

"Something on your mind?" Lily once again enquired as to his troubles.

Yes, Lily. Something is on my mind. The Dark Mark is returning; which means that soon the Dark Lord will return also. Which means that Neville Longbottom, the child I have sworn to protect, will soon be in grave danger. I have a project to rush through before all this happens; I have to freshen up on my occlumency for my future spying missions. And Regulus is currently off preparing for a potential suicide mission with Dumbledore. As well as struggling to live up to his role as a father.

He settled on that one; "Regulus. I am concerned for him."

The Black Brothers; the bane of our existence.

"Oh. Is...is he still not coping?"

"Well, he refused to grieve properly following Evelyn's death. And he is hardly the ideal example of a good father."

Lily looked stricken at the statement and he frowned, wondering how she could possibly find that offensive; "I am concerned that he may do the boy harm if he is unable to fully embrace his role in his life."

"Perhaps you should speak with him."

"Believe me, I have tried."

"Maybe he's doing the best he can," Lily offered.

Severus glanced at her; wondering at the strange fragility of her tone; "I...yes, of course. Obviously I don't think he is being incompetent on purpose. Like I told him; the only way he can improve is through experience."

"Perhaps he feels it's too late."

"It is never too late," Severus countered, firmly. Lily held his look a moment before she turned her attention back to her plate.

"How is Malachi coping?"

"I believe he is enjoying his time at the Phoenix Centre. It is fortunate he and your son have become friends; he had very little social interactions prior to his mother's death."

Lily smiled; "I'm glad Harry is helping him."

Severus nodded; "As am I. The boy is exactly like his father; he does not...allow himself to grieve."

Lily looked thoughtful for a moment, bringing her eyes to his. Then she said; "You should try to speak with Regulus again. If what you're saying is true; in a few years he could wake up and realise he's lost his son."

Severus held her look; her expression, the sadness in her eyes, was telling. He nodded; "I shall. Though it is worth remembering that what is lost can often be found."

A slow smile spread across her lips and she raised an eyebrow; "Poetic."

"Well, I try." Severus stated sardonically, though he reddened and looked down at his plate. He caught a glimpse of her smile widening and felt a smile tug at his own lips, pleased that he had managed to give her a moment of genuine happiness when she was obviously upset. Upset about something more than what she had confessed; he assumed it had something to do with her son.

"Severus?"

"Yes?" He lifted his head to look at her.

"Did I tell you I'm really glad we're friends?"

Severus pretended to think; "Hmm. Hogwarts Express, I think."

A small chuckled escaped her; "Well." Then she shrugged, still smiling.

He was fusing over his plate, not responding, though could feel her watching him, smilingly. He lifted his eyes from the table, glancing at her without lifting his head, as the time between them stretched. He smiled slightly; "A mutual sentiment, Lily."

She held his look, her smile and eyes filled with obvious affection, and he felt himself warm under her eyes. It was happening more; the boyish warmth when their eyes met, the blushing, the butterflies. It was embarrassing; childish; mortifying.

And wonderful.

And, at least for now, he was content to imagine how things could be. Something brighter to take his mind of the darkness that was looming. Even if the idea was foolish and impossible; just the idea was enough to make him a little bit happier.

A little bit hopeful.

XXX

**Author's Note**: Sorry if the updates are coming a bit too fast for readers to keep up. I'm starting a new job on Wednesday so I've been trying to get as much out as possible in advance of that; once Wednesday hits they'll come at an easier pace to keep up with :) Once again, thanks so much to everyone that reviewed and added this story to alerts after the last chapter! Loving all the reviews :)

**Jayc**: Hi! Glad you think it's becoming more interesting :D It's taken a while to get the plot going, with all the relationship dramas going on, but we're getting there now heh. As always, Dumbledore has his own agenda when it comes to people – more to come on that. And glad you like the Harry/Malachi moments; hope you liked the extension of that this chapter and the Severus/Lily moment, as I've deprived of in depth ones of those long enough ha ha. Thanks very much for reviewing!

**A**: Yes, Dumbledore is pretty presumptuous; though he does always seem to get his own way so his assumptions aren't too unfounded though, like you say, this has led him to be overconfident. You brought up interesting questions regarding the Longbottoms. I usually do answer questions reviewers ask but in this case the answers will be revealed later on as to everything that took place with the Longbottoms and Voldemort so can't answer some of them. I can say that in this story Voldemort, knowing there was a spy within his ranks, made everyone think he was after the Potters and that's why they were still the focus of Dumbledore's protection. Thanks for taking time to review!


	25. February 1987: The Things I Do For You

Chapter Twenty Four

"Please; it's just for a few days."

Severus turned his darkest scowl on Regulus; "Regulus, in case you have forgotten I am incredibly busy at the present time; and will continue to be so for the foreseeable future," he almost growled, before adding; "And even if I _weren't, _what would _possibly_ give you the idea that I would want, or be willing, to take responsibility for your child for such an extended period of time?"

"It's only two or three days," Regulus weakly protested again, "And it's not like I can ask Cissy or Andie; they'd wonder why I was leaving."

"Find someone else."

"Like who?" Regulus snapped; "Who else could take him? Your Lily Potter perhaps?"

"_My _Lily Potter?" Severus repeated, giving him a cold glare, "You certainly are doing well, attempting to convince me."

"Severus, please; he likes you –"

Severus scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest.

"He respects you; he's not going to do anything to upset you. I just don't want to ship him off to strangers; he's getting into a routine here. And it's not like he'd be any trouble. You won't have to do anything. Just drop him off at the Phoenix and then pick him up on your way home in the evening. Have Ayra feed him, and ensure he's in bed by nine."

"Regulus, I sometimes do not return home until well after nine."

"Well...well, I suppose the occasional slip is fine."

Severus gave an aggravated shake of the head, not at all impressed by this turn of events; "Is it really necessary that you escort Dumbledore on this mission? Can you not explain to him that you have other, more pressing responsibilities?"

"More pressing that the return of the Dark Lord?" Regulus countered, raising an eyebrow.

Severus sighed, uncrossing his arms, and looking around the room, crossly; "Have you explained to your son that you are leaving?"

"I'm not _'leaving''; _it's a work assignment. And no; not yet. I wanted to ensure you were okay with the plan."

"'Okay' is not the word I would use," Severus stated, sitting back down in his chair and lifting his book from the side table; "As long as he is not upset, I will consent. I do not want to have to deal with a child's hysterics because you have abandoned him once again."

"Oh, knock it off, Severus! You know I can't refuse to do this. This is what we've been working towards for five years; I can't just walk away now because -" He cut off, with a frown, unable to find the words to describe the situation. He sighed; "Look, will you do it? I'll owe you."

"That you will," Severus returned, quietly, looking at him over his book; "Do not expect this to be a regular occurrence."

"Thanks," Regulus returned, though didn't sound all that thankful; more annoyed and relieved. And he gave him a nod, before striding for the room, clearly intending to tell his son the news.

XXX

Lily stared at the ceiling as she lay in bed that night; sleep not coming easy. It rarely did these days. But Harry's words from earlier that morning continued to haunt her. _Bad mum...don't even love me...I hate you. _Just breathing felt difficult, almost impossible, thinking on those words. Her son was hurting; worse than that; he was damaged. Did he truly believe the things he had said? That he thought she didn't love him was devastating.

_Dad's your whole life._

She squeezed her eyes shut, remembering the accusation. Was it true? It was what Sirius and Remus had accused her of for years; the bottom line to almost every argument and, if it wasn't, another argument would always bring it up in some way or another. It was always there. That fact. That accusation. And she had ignored it.

But coming from her son's lips meant so much more; it meant her six year old son had noticed it. That he was getting hurt. And she was losing him. Losing him, if she hadn't already. Where had she been these past five years? Five years, during which time he had turned to Sirius and Remus for the comfort that she should have been providing. Instead, she had been focusing on what they had lost; what _she_ had lost. At the expense of everything she had left.

She glanced over as her bedroom door clicked open, quickly reaching for her wand. A second later, Harry's head popped around the side of the door. He looked wide awake, despite having been sent to bed hours ago.

"You're awake," he whispered.

Lily flicked her wand, making the dim light in the room brighter; "Harry?" She pushed herself into a sitting position, "Are you okay?"

Harry stepped into the room, swinging the door shut behind him, and hurried over, jumping up onto the free side of the bed. He shimmied towards her, before wrapping his arms around her waist, hugging her tight. She sighed, wrapping her arms around him, and pressed a kiss to his head; her throat tightening as the rest of the tension left her.

"I love you, Mum."

She smiled against his hair, before pulling back, lifting his head to face her with a finger to his chin; "I love you too, Sweetheart. Very much."

He nodded, "I know you do. Mum...I'm sorry. I was really bad."

"Shh," she whispered, pulling him in for another hug; "I'm sorry too." She stroked his hair, lovingly, before she released him and he pulled back. He grabbed the edge of her duvet and slid his legs beneath the covers, snuggling in next to her.

"Harry?"

He looked up at her.

"Harry, I...there's something I want to explain to you."

"Is it about Uncle Sirius?"

Lily hesitated; she had intended to talk about James. But she supposed she would have to address the issue of Sirius sooner or later. She sighed, brushing his hair back from his forehead; "Harry...the truth is, I don't know where your Uncle Sirius is right now."

Harry was looking at her, contemplatively, before he swallowed, looking down; "Why did he go away?"

Lily paused for a moment, wondering whether or not to tell him. But when Harry looked up at her, expectantly, she made the firm decision not to lie to him. At least this once; "Something happened, it was a long time ago now. But one of your Uncle Sirius' friends, one of our friends...he did something really bad. Something that made your dad get hurt."

Harry turned more fully, looking at her with curious eyes.

"His name was Peter. He went to prison for what he did; but he got out. You Uncle Sirius is trying to find him to send him back."

Harry tilted his head to the side, thinking on the information for a moment. He looked at her, curiously; "How come you didn't go with him?"

Lily frowned; "Why would I go with him?"

"Because he hurt my dad."

Lily swallowed, suddenly feeling uneasy at the connection Harry had made. His accusation from earlier that morning, about her always being concerned with James, came back to her; haunted her. She shook her head, pushing the thought away; "Because some things are more important."

"Like what?"

"Like you."

Harry smiled brightly at the statement. Then he frowned; "But...Uncle Sirius thinks it's important."

"Yes. Your Uncle Sirius was very hurt by what he did."

"Like how Uncle Remus was upset because of what Uncle Sirius did to him?"

Lily looked at him in surprise; "What do you mean?"

"Uncle Sirius believed all the bad things about Uncle Remus. People were saying horrible things, and Uncle Sirius believed them, even though he was his friend."

"Who told you that?"

"Uncle Sirius."

Lily raised both eyebrows; "Really?" She was surprised. And also impressed; Sirius was obviously acknowledging the effect that their decision had had on Remus. "Well, yes. I mean...well, what Peter did was far worse than what your Uncle Sirius did to Uncle Remus. People got hurt because of Peter."

"Like my dad?"

"Like your dad," she nodded; "All of us. What he did hurt everyone."

"Oh." Harry glanced down, looking thoughtful for a moment, before he looked up at her and shrugged; "I hope he finds him then."

Lily didn't share the sentiment; but decided he was too young for her to have to explain why it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests if Sirius did manage to encounter Peter. Instead, she wrapped an arm around him; "Harry. Do you want to talk about what you said earlier?"

Harry paled slightly, glancing down with obvious shame; "I dunno."

"It's okay, Sweetheart. You can tell me anything you want."

Harry looked at her, hesitantly.

She smiled, reassuringly; "Really. Anything you want; I'll listen."

"You won't get upset?"

"I won't," she promised, then added; "I'll try."

Harry swallowed, his eyes searching her face for a moment. Then he drew in a breath; "What...what do you want me to talk about?"

"How about the things you were saying about your dad? We never really had a proper talk after we took you to see him."

"Yeah we did."

"Well...yes, but we didn't talk about _your _feelings about it."

Harry nodded slightly, looking down, as if agreeing with what she was saying. But then he looked up at her and shook his head; "I don't wanna talk about that...I...I wanted to talk about you."

Lily swallowed, suddenly feeling nervous, and nodded; "Okay."

"But you have to not say anything until I've finished. You have to just listen. Okay?"

She smiled at the commanding tone he had adopted and nodded; "Okay."

Harry drew in a deep breath and then turned to face her, crossing his legs in front of him. She turned over onto her side, pushing herself up a bit more and giving him another reassuring smile, trying to make him feel comfortable, safe enough to reveal his feelings.

He took another deep breath, before speaking in a strange tone, one he'd obviously picked up from the television, or perhaps a Healer, or even a politician; "Well, Mum, I think you need help."

She felt her lips twitched and forced herself to hold back the amused smile. He was quiet, despite making her take a vow of silence, as if awaiting a response, so she said; "Really? Go on."

"Well...everyone knows that my dad isn't going to come back. But you think he is; even though everyone keeps telling you he's not. And it's making you sad; really sad."

"Harry –"

"You said you'd listen," Harry interrupted her with a frown. She raised a conceding hand and pretended to zip her lips.

"It's making you really sad," he repeated; "And when you're sad, it makes me sad too."

She swallowed, but kept her silence as promised, and instead reached over to squeeze his arm. He smiled at the action; "I think you'd be really happy if you got married again."

Lily bit her lip, holding back a protest.

"Love is really important. We've been learning that at school for Valentine's Day. _You_ need _love_!"

Lily pressed her fingers to her lips, desperately holding back a chuckle at the declaration.

"And Uncle Sirius, or Uncle Remus, is the one to give it to you!"

"Harry," Lily interrupted, unable to help herself; "Please. Let's keep this to talking about your feelings."

Harry frowned; "These are my feelings. You need a husband."

Goodness, what century's values had Sirius and Remus been instilling in her son's mind while she hadn't been looking; "Sweetheart, not all women need husbands."

"_Everyone _needs love," he stated firmly, and she remembered seeing as much written across the chalk board in the Phoenix Centre that evening when she had collected him. She dipped her head, smiling widely at the direction the conversation had taken. She pushed herself up, so she was sitting with her back against the headboard, and wrapped her arm around him.

"Are these your only feelings? You said you've been feeling sad."

Harry nodded; "Uh huh. I hear you crying sometimes. It makes me want to cry too."

Lily squeezed her eyes shut, feeling a wave of shame wash over her; "I'm sorry you heard that, Sweetheart."

"It's okay. Sometimes I cry when I'm sad. When you stop being sad, you'll stop."

She rubbed his arm.

"You work so much too."

Lily leaned to the side to see his face. He raised uncertain eyes to hers; "I miss you when you're not home."

"I miss you too, Sweetheart. It's normal to miss someone; it's okay."

"I hate missing people," he stated, "I miss you. And I miss Uncle Sirius. And I haven't seen Uncle Remus for ages since I started at the Phoenix Centre –"

"Would you like me to try and arrange a day with Uncle Remus?"

"Uh huh," he nodded eagerly, but the suggestion didn't hold his attention long; "Mum, do you miss my dad all the time?"

Lily nodded.

"Malachi misses his mum. She died."

"I know, I heard."

"It's okay to miss people when they're gone. But it's okay to be happy sometimes, you know. You can't be sad all the time."

"Harry, I am happy," she assured him, "I have you. How could I not be happy?"

Harry rolled his eyes, dramatically; "Then why aren't you? You can't just say 'I'm happy' and then magically be happy, you have to _be _happy."

Lily smiled, tempted to reminded him that you cannot just command happiness, the same as you couldn't command love; but that would only counteract her own assertions.

"Mum...you're making me really sad," he whispered.

"Oh, Sweetheart, I'm sorry," she choked out, any amusement she was finding in the situation gone. She pulled him into a tight hug, pressing her lips to his temple; "I don't want you to be sad either."

"I know you don't. But I can't help it sometimes," he explained.

She drew back, looking at him lovingly; "I know. Sometimes people can't help being sad; I get sad sometimes, just like you said. But I'm not always sad. You're happy sometimes too, aren't you?"

Harry nodded.

"Well, that's the same for me. Sometimes I get sad; but, most of the time, I'm happy. Very happy."

"Not _very _happy," Harry pursed his lips together, looking at her doubtfully.

She grinned; "I get _very _happy when I see you happy; that cheeky smile of yours. And I get very happy when I see you baking in the kitchen; or when I see you flying; and when you come home from school and tell me all the new things you've learned."

"Don't you have any men that make you happy?"

"What?" Lily blinked, stunned at the question.

Harry shrugged, innocently, not seeing anything wrong or inappropriate about the question; "Well, everything you said was only about me."

"I'm...happy when I see your Uncles, yes. But –"

"No," Harry interrupted her, "I mean _men_. There's tons where you work."

"Harry," Lily blushed, both amused and flustered by the implication; "There are no...there are _no_ men."

As if her own subconscious was laughing at her, Severus came to mind, and she felt herself grow hot and even more flustered, as if the time she had spent with him was some secret that must be concealed from her son. She frowned at her thoughts, pushing away the image of her old friend.

"There's tons!" he repeated.

"Yes, I know. The answer to your question is no. Not the way you mean, anyway. Your father –"

"No, no, no!" Harry threw up his hands in another dramatic demonstration, shaking his head; "See! You keep thinking about my dad _all the time_!"

Lily sighed; "Harry, I think I know where you're going with this. And, I'm sorry, but...but no, there is no other man. No potential husbands in the wings," she added, holding back a smirk.

Harry sighed; "What about Malachi's dad?"

Lily couldn't help it; she burst out laughing. And Harry straightened, affronted; "What? You know him, don't you?"

"Harry," she sighed, fighting her amusement, "I've told you before; you can't just pick from a line up and decide that that person will be your husband. It takes time; it takes...a lot of work. It's not easy, Harry, falling in love."

Harry looked at her pleadingly; "Please, Mum. You can't keep loving my dad. You'll never be happy again."

Lily took her bottom lip between her teeth, nipping it, as she looked into his desperate eyes. Her six year old son, begging her to let go of his dad.

She gave him another squeeze; "Harry, this morning you said that I don't love you."

"I was lying," Harry admitted, "I know you love me."

She smiled, "Good. Don't ever forget, okay?"

He looked at her, nodding slowly; "Okay." He looked down, then back at her; "So...no husband?"

"No. No husband."

"But...even if there's no other man...you can't keep..." he shrugged, because a child didn't know how to express the statement that someone had to let someone they loved go. But she knew what he meant; what he was trying to say.

She nodded; "I understand Harry. I...I'll try, okay?"

Harry smiled, looking pleased and hopeful; "Really?"

She nodded; "Really."

"I love you, Mum," he told her again and she smiled, returning the sentiment.

"Can I sleep here tonight?" Harry uncrossed his legs and shimmied deeper under the covers until the duvet was at his chin. He looked up at her with wide, hopeful eyes.

She smiled, he hadn't made such a request since he was four; "I suppose so," she slid down beneath the covers; "But no hogging the covers. And keep those kicky feet to yourself as well."

"Only if you don't snore."

"I never snore."

Harry snickered; "I hear you snoring as well sometimes, you know," then did a loud, honking impression and she reached out quickly and tickled his side, eliciting a loud laugh from him as he tried to wiggle out of reach.

Lily lifted her wand from the nightstand, flicking it to turn out the dim light; "Goodnight, Sweetheart."

"Night, Mum."

XXX

Lily remained awake well into the night, long after Harry fell into a deep slumber. She smiled down at her sleeping son; looking peaceful, almost smiling in his sleep, as if physical proof that the conversation had taken all the weight from his shoulders. And he gets to just be a little boy again. Nothing to be distressed, or upset, or worried about.

That wasn't entirely true. He was still distressed about James. And about Sirius.

But, for now and, hopefully, forever, he doesn't have to worry about her anymore. He can strike a depressed, neglectful mother from his list. From now on, Harry was her top priority. First and foremost.

To do that, she had to do as he had asked. She had to stop behaving in a way that was causing the distress, the upset he was going through.

And, though they had talked, she still continued to feel uneasy and ashamed of what she had been putting her son through for the past five years. She thought he hadn't noticed; that he was too young to understand. And yet, here he was, with the exact same concerns as Remus and Sirius; all of them telling her the same thing. That they were worried about her; that her actions were concerning them; that they wanted her to move on; they wanted her to let go.

She smiled slightly, remembering Harry's earlier questions. His insistence on the importance of love and marriage were amusing; but they came from a pure, innocent place that wasn't entirely untrue. What was anything worth if you didn't have someone to share it with? What was life worth if there wasn't love; something to live for?

In the end, it was one of the very few things worth living _and_ dying for.

She knew that. She knew how important it was; she wouldn't have stayed devoted to James for so long if she didn't.

And it was something her son, at six, seemed to be fully aware of as well. She glanced down her him, smiling; amazed at the boy before her. Could he really be hers? This wonderful, intelligent, amazing little boy? He deserved so much more than what she had given him.

And she was struck again by the same thoughts she had had at Christmas. That she could move on; she could try again. She was twenty seven, her birthday the previous weekend passing without fuss and barely even acknowledged. She was still young. It wasn't too late to start over.

And it was what Harry wanted.

The thought had been unbearable; even laughable not too long ago. But it was becoming more and more possible; more and more like something she should be doing. And she could no longer pretend it wasn't affecting her; that it wasn't damaging her. Because, now, it was damaging her son too.

She had to start over.

She had to start living again; start living for the present, for the future. And stop hoping for things to be as they were in the past. She had to take those memories, hold them close; but start making new ones.

She had promised Harry that she would.

It was a promise she was going to keep. Starting now.

She was going to have to let go.

XXX

**Author's Note**: Progress? ;) Thanks so much for all the reviews and story alerts for last chapter! I really appreciate all the comments everyone gave.

**Chapter Twenty Four Preview:**  
"The first step to letting go," Julia began, her eyes gleaming as she looked at her; "Dating."

X

**Allie**: Hi! Thanks for reviewing and for the good luck wishes for the new job. All kicks off tomorrow, fingers crossed it goes well. But I'll still try and update as frequently as possible once it starts :)

**Jayc**: We'll be seeing Julia again very soon (See Chapter Preview below :P). Though, like you said, Harry is quite a curious boy, he'll probably get wind of the two of them somehow. Some hints of Lily's feelings this chapter but hopefully her new thoughts give some hope for the future for her and Severus. As for Malachi's name – there really wasn't a reason for it. I can't even remember why I picked it lol But maybe I'll think of something and we'll get a little anecdote in the future as to how they came up with the name :).  
Thanks so much for your reviews!


	26. February 1987: Get Back In The Game

Chapter Twenty Four

7.48am.

They were going to be late!

Severus strode towards Malachi's bedroom, feeling incredibly irritated. The child knew that classes began at 8am. He rapped on the door to his room loudly. No response. He knocked again; the door clicking open with the force of his knock.

He hesitated and then peered into the room, only to be met with the sight of a bleary eyed five year old, bolting up in his bed; looking a perfect mixture of confusion and terror.

"You're still asleep?" Severus stared at the boy in shock; he had put the boy down to bed at 8.30pm, just as Regulus had instructed. Surely no one could sleep for so long.

"We are going to be late!" he snapped. The boy cowered in his bed, looking frightened and apologetic.

"I...I'm sorry," he quickly scurried out of the bed, hurrying to his wardrobe; "I...I didn't know what time it was."

"How do you normally know when to awaken?"

"Uh...dad wakes me up."

Severus closed his eyes, immediately feeling guilty; "I...apologise. I was not aware of that."

"'s okay," he quickly pulled his pyjama top over his head, making to pull his t-shirt over in its place.

"No," Severus quickly stopped him; "Do not rush. Please," he indicated down the hall; "Take your time; wash yourself."

"But...school –"

"I will make the excuses, do not concern yourself with that. Now," he gave a quick tilt with his head in the direction of the door, telling him to go. Malachi quickly reached into the cupboard and pulled out fresh underwear and a pair of trousers, before hurrying past him and down the hall.

Severus raised his eyes heavenward. It would be a long couple of days.

XXX

"The first step to letting go," Julia began, her eyes gleaming as she looked at her, "Dating."

Lily almost groaned and shot her a sceptical look, lowering her coffee cup; "Logic would suggest that's the final step, Jules."

Julia shook a hand; "Believe me, honey, nothing's gonna get you over the first hurdle more than a taste of all the things you've been missing out on."

"Awkward first meetings; awkward dinner conversations; wondering if they're going to take your hand; trying to decide whether or not to finish the evening with a kiss."

"That all sounds very tame," Julia eyed her, "I'm afraid it's all going to be a bit of a culture shock for you, my dear; a lot has changed since courtships and dowries, you know."

"Oh hush, Julia. I don't have any intention of dating –"

"You just said you were ready to move on," Julia interrupted; "Seriously, Lily; don't sit about. The best way to get things moving is to just put yourself back out there."

Lily lifted her cup to her lips, uncomfortable and nervous at the suggestion. Dating was _not _something she was anticipating. The mind games; the insecurities; the vulnerability. Just the idea was enough to make her shudder.

"When was the last time you..." Julia raised her eyebrows at her, wiggling them suggestively.

Lily released an exasperated sigh, lowering her cup, "You already know the answer to that, Julia."

"Oh please; surely you've had _some _interactions over the past five years."

"No, I haven't," Lily asserted, firmly, though her resolved stance was demeaned by the uncomfortable heat that was making her blush from her neck upwards.

"Maybe that's why you've been feeling so agitated lately," Julia grinned; "Harry's not all that far off the mark-"

Lily laughed, shaking her head vehemently; "Julia, please! Stop it."

"I know the _perfect _guy for you!" she declared.

Lily shot her a dubious look.

"He's sweet, intelligent, he's interested in muggle history and all that, so we know he's not racist. Tall, dark hair –"

"Handsome, too?" Lily offered, with a raised eyebrow; "No thanks, Julia. I'm quite capable of finding someone myself."

"Oh please, this coming from the woman who's been having _platonic_ lunch dates with _Severus Snape_? Really, Lily, how can you be around him every day and control yourself?"

Lily shifted, feeling uncomfortable at the insinuation; "Severus and I are just friends."

"Ah. One of those, is it?"

"What do you mean 'one of those'? We're just friends," she repeated, shaking her head, "Don't make it into something it's not."

"Very defensive," Julia pointed out, with a grin, lifting her own cup to her lips.

"I just don't appreciate people assuming things that aren't true," Lily stated, not really sure why she was so defensive and embarrassed by Julia's subject of teasing.

"Okay, subject dropped. Back to Rodger; you've met him before, actually. At the Christmas Dance when we were doing our apprenticeship, you remember?"

"Rodger Wyatt?" Lily did remember him. He had been a friend of one of the men who she had studied with; had come across him at a few of the functions, and he had seemed friendly enough. She shrugged; "I remember."

"Well?"

"Julia," Lily sighed; "You don't even know if he –"

"Oh, believe me, he's interested," Julia assured her with a smirk; "Fancied you for ages."

"Oh...I didn't know...He's never said anything," Lily stammered, surprised; she had had some interested suitors in the past, since James, but, as she had never considered herself available to them, she had refused all offers. She supposed it was no wonder this Rodger Wyatt hadn't attempted to ask her out. Something Julia confirmed with;

"Well, he knew that you were still hung up on James. But now," Julia smiled, brightly; "Hope is restored!"

Lily swallowed, her nerves increasing with the information she had just been given; "I don't know, Julia."

"Oh come on; even if you don't like him, what's the worst that could happen? Besides, this is just the first hurdle. Get the first date out of the way and everything will come to you from there."

"I don't want Harry getting excited –"

"He doesn't have to know. Tell him you're spending the night with me."

"The night?" Lily was aghast; "I won't need the whole night, Julia."

Julia was laughing delightedly at her reaction; "Well, you might want some time to yourself afterwards. Remus doesn't usually mind taking him, does he?"

"No," Lily consented; "Remus is great. He's always willing to take him whenever we need it. He's taking Harry out this afternoon, actually," Lily glanced at the timepiece in the cafe; 8.45am. She'd have to get to the Foundation soon.

"Okay," Julia nodded, with a smile; "Then it's settled. How about this Saturday? It's Valentine's Day, the perfect day for your big comeback to the dating world."

"No. I have Harry's play that night; besides, it's the day after the full moon. Remus won't be feeling up to it." Lily found herself incredibly relieved to be able to offer two valid excuses to avoid that particular date.

"Okay, how about the next weekend? Friday or Saturday?"

"I'm really not sure about this, Julia," Lily shook her head, "Blind dates are questionable even at the best of times."

"You'll like him," Julia insisted, smiling, "Really! I think Friday is better; I know you like to have Saturdays with Harry."

Lily drew in a deep breath, attempting to settle her nerves, before she gave Julia a shrug; "I...I suppose it's the first step."

"Ah, see! You're already coming around to my way of think," Julia winked at her.

Lily forced a smile; her anxiousness making her hands shake as she lifted her cup to her lips.

XXX

Harry ran up to him with a wide, excited smile, as Remus entered the doors to the Phoenix Centre. He returned the smile as Harry reached him, throwing his arms around his waist.

"Uncle Remus! I missed you!"

"I missed you too, little man," Remus returned the sentiment, giving him a one armed hug and a pat on the back; "Are you ready to go?" he asked, noticing a teacher smile and begin to make her way over.

"Uh, yeah," Harry nodded, before he looked over his shoulder, frantically waving his hand at another boy, who was watching them shyly a few metres away. The dark haired boy slowly made his was over, regarding Remus curiously.

Remus smiled at him; "Hello there."

"Hi," he smiled, shyly, before looking at Harry.

"This is Malachi, Uncle Remus," Harry stated, pulling the boy closer to them, "Uncle Sirius is his uncle too!"

Remus looked back at the boy sharply, suddenly noticing the resemblance; "Oh...are you' Regulus Black's son?" He hadn't know Regulus had a son, but the boy nodded the affirmative, as he pushed his hands into his pockets.

"He really likes ice-skating too!" Harry declared, looking up at him hopefully; "Can he come with us?"

Remus doubted Regulus Black would be happy about his son going anywhere with him; Lupin the werewolf; but he wasn't willing to be the one to wipe the excited, hopeful expressions on the two boys' faces so he nodded; "Sure he can. But I'll have to make sure it's okay with Malachi's dad first, alright?"

"My dad's away," Malachi said, quietly, "His friend is looking after me; Severus."

"Oh." Well then, if he wasn't sure before, he was absolutely certain _now_ that there was no way Malachi would be able to join the two of them. But he forced and smile; "Well, I believe Severus Snape works here as well doesn't he?"

Malachi nodded.

"Well, I'll just have a teacher contact him to find out if that will be alright."

"Okay," Harry smiled brightly, grabbing Malachi's arm as Remus started towards the teacher who was standing at a polite distance nearby; "See, I told you he'd let you come!"

"Mr Lupin?" the young lady smiled at him, glancing down at a piece of parchment she was holding; the was his name, as well as a picture of him on the article; obviously a precaution the centre had for people collecting students.

He smiled and nodded; "Yes, I'm here to collect Harry Potter."

She smiled, holding a hand out in greeting; "I'm Brianna Douglas."

He took her hand in greeting, before he glanced back at the two boys, who were chatting happily, Regulus son appearing much more animated when it was just the two of them; "The other boy, Malachi...Black?"

"Redway," she corrected.

"Yes, Malachi Redway. Harry has asked if he can accompany us? The boy said he was currently under the care of Severus Snape?"

She nodded; "Yes, that's right. I'm afraid we cannot release any of the children without the permission of their guardians."

"I understand. Is there any way you could contact Professor Snape and ask for his permission?" He half hoped she couldn't; that he would be too busy. The last thing he wanted was for Snape to show up here, demanding to know why he wanted to whisk his friend's son away for the afternoon.

"Oh well...yes, of course." The girl looked slightly apprehensive at the request however she walked to the large desk at the front of the classroom, pulled a string that rang a bell, and then pulled out some parchment and lifted a quill; "Um...where do you intend to take Malachi?"

"Into muggle London; look around the shops. Maybe a museum?" It was really up to the boys, to be honest; "Then ice skating later on."

She was scribbling the information down quickly as he told her; "And when do you expect to return him?"

"Umm..." Remus glanced at the timepiece; 2.15pm; "Well, I was going to take Harry for dinner. Malachi could come with us; I could have him back for seven? Is the Centre open that late?"

"You rang, madam?" he young man, perhaps only a teenager, appeared next to them with a smile.

"I need you to deliver this," she stated, before she turned her attention back to Remus, as she continued scribbling the message down; "Yes, we're open until nine. Professor Snape often stays late so I don't think seven would be a problem."

"Oh. That's good."

She gave him a smile, then turned to the boy who had joined them; "Do you know where Professor Snape is?"

"Uh...Bistro, I think?"

She smiled brightly; "Good. I need you to give this to him, and then bring back his response."

The boy took it with a shrug; "Sure. Not bad news though, I hope?"

"No. Don't worry," she grinned. He smiled, looking relieved, and then turned heading from the room.

Brianna turned to him and smiled; "He shouldn't be long."

Remus smiled and nodded; "Thanks."

XXX

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you date?"

Severus looked up at her sharply with a frown; "What?"

Lily was avoiding his eyes, pushing the food around her plate with her fork; "I asked if you date?"

Severus hesitated, wondering where on Earth she was going with this; "Why do you ask?"

She raised her eyes to his and shrugged; "Just curious. I've been thinking about it."

"Why would you be interested?" Severus found himself saying, before he had a chance to think about it. He felt himself redden.

"I don't mean to be nosy." She gave him a sheepish smile; "I was just thinking about dating in general," Lily elaborated; "I...haven't dated in a long time."

"I see."

Severus was at a loss for words, suddenly filled with pictures of himself and Lily eating dinner, much like they were now, only more meaning behind it; better dressed; flirty smiles; 'accidental' touches. Walks along streets lightened by streetlamps. He felt himself redden further, overcome with such thoughts; he could usually control this nonsense.

"So...do you?"

Severus shook his head; "No." And then he hesitated, wondering if perhaps he had just nipped any potential suggestions she may have had in the bud? He quickly shook away the thought.

The most likely reason for the enquiry was; "I presume you have had an offer?"

She shrugged, which was enough to confirm the affirmative. He swallowed, clearing his throat;

"I am afraid I cannot offer any useful advice. This is not my area of expertise."

He suddenly felt like they were back at Hogwarts again and Lily was telling him about her first crush, her first kiss, her first date. Yes; he was truly her friend once again.

This time, though, the thought almost made him groan.

When he looked at her she was looking at him searchingly, a slight smile on her face.

He frowned under her scrutiny; "What?"

Her smile widened into a grin. She shook her head; "Nothing."

"You're smiling."

"No."

She attempted to conceal it, lifting her glass to her lips.

"Grinning, then," he stated, eyeing her suspiciously; "What amuses you?"

"Really, Severus, it's nothing," she waved a hand, but he raised an expectant eyebrow and she sighed, her shoulders dropping in defeat, but her smile remained; "It's just...well...you know, you're quite well thought of around here, that's all."

Severus shrugged; "My work is appreciated, that is all."

"Not just because of your work," she raised an eyebrow, with a small smile and she had adopted that teasing tone he was used to, speaking again with more confidence; "I think you have a pretty good idea of what people say about you around here," she added, with a slight grin; "Even if you do pretend not to."

Severus felt himself blush at the implication; though he was relieved she had made a more subtle hint rather that outright said what she was obviously musing over. While Regulus and his cousins had often teased him about the very same thing, hearing it from Lily made him feel incredibly self-conscious. Was this what _she _thought of him? Though he knew well enough that it was not. She had obviously heard the ridiculous harping on of others within the company.

He swallowed, avoiding her eyes, unsure how to respond.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you," Lily shrugged, her grin gone.

"I am not embarrassed," he lied.

She lifted her eyes to him, smiling again. He blushed further and she giggled; a delightful sound.

"There is a tendency in the Foundation for the most miniscule of things to be blown entirely out of proportion," Severus stated; "Gossips run rampant around here; it is best not to take any information give at face value."

"Hmm," Lily nodded, though she was still fighting a smile; "Speaking from experience, Severus?" She glanced around the room teasingly; "Old flames lurking in the corners?"

"I would not call them 'flames'," he replied, disinterestedly, "Only acquaintances which I did not wish to pursue further."

"So...you _have _dated?"

Severus lifted his head and found Lily looking at him curiously. He dipped his head back down.

"Professor Snape?"

The two of them looked up sharply at the young man who had approached. Severus lowered his cutlery; "Shaw. Is there a problem?"

"No problem, Sir," the boy gave him a nod, before holding out a piece of parchment; "A message from the Phoenix Centre."

Severus took the note, a sense of dread washing over him; what had the child done now?

His brow knitted closer together, as he found himself repeating the name on the parchment; "Lupin?"

Lily snapped to attention at that; "Remus? Is something wrong?"

Severus waved a hand to calm her, as he finished reading the note; "Nothing is wrong. Merely an invitation for Malachi to accompany him and your son for the afternoon," he handed the parchment back to the boy with a shake of the head; "I don't think..."

"I believe they're going ice skating," Lily stated, interrupting him; "Didn't you say Malachi enjoyed that?"

Severus frowned; when had he told her that? Though he remembered that it was true; Regulus had told him of Malachi's fondness for ice-skating over Christmas, when he had been attempting to take the boy's mind off Evelyn's death.

He shifted, taking the note back and glancing back down at it; suddenly feeling torn over the options before him. The boy would enjoy himself, that much was certain; but this was _Lupin. _He hated him. Childish, but true. He despised the wolf and if Malachi were _his _son he would not even considered the option.

But was it fair to keep the boy from an afternoon with his friend because of his own issues with the man?

_Yes, _his mind told him.

But he glanced at Lily, who was watching him curiously, as if she was very keen to hear his response.

He cleared his throat, the words coming from his lips almost difficult; "Does Lupin often take care of your son?"

"Almost every week since he was eighteen months old. Changed his nappies and everything."

"How touching," Severus said, with a look of disgust, glancing back down at the note.

"He's wonderful with Harry," Lily went on, further promoting Lupin's abilities as a child carer; "It might do Malachi good; spending some time with a friend."

Severus glanced at her; wondering if him saying no would lead to a disagreement. Wondering if he was petty enough to actually refuse.

"I trust your son has never been injured while under the care of _this _one?" Severus asked, remembering how the boy had very nearly killed himself under the care of Sirius Black.

Lily gave a half-smile; "Remus is very careful with him. Very sensible."

Severus thought on it for a moment, before he flipped the parchment and accioed a quill; he began scribbling down instructions;

_Under the conditions that he remains within your sight, at all times; that you take them to a museum, not an open aired park; that he is properly supervised whilst ice-skating; that he is properly fed and returned by seven this evening; Malachi may accompany you and Harry Potter this afternoon. _

_Do not make me regret this, Lupin._

S.S.

XXX

"I'm gonna go and look for Uncle Sirius," Harry said, quietly to Malachi, as they skated along the edge of the ice rink. He had been gone for ages now; and his Uncle Remus hadn't been able to give him any answers when he had spoken to him about it.

Malachi looked at him with an impressed frown; "You can't. He could be really far away."

Harry shrugged; "I know places he goes sometimes. I can find him."

Malachi didn't look like he believed him, as he glanced in his Uncle Remus' direction.

"You can't tell my Uncle Remus!" Harry quickly said, suddenly wishing he hadn't said anything.

Malachi shrugged; "I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"You should come with me!" Harry stated, suddenly, excitedly, before he quickly lowered his volume, as they got closer to passing by his Uncle Remus again; "It'd be fun. Like an adventure!"

"I dunno," Malachi shook his head, looking a bit scared; "My dad would be really angry if he found out. He doesn't like him, remember?"

"But you said your dad's away just now," Harry pointed out; "And you said your dad's friend is always working really hard, so he won't even know. We could go instead of school tomorrow and then be back before bedtime, so he won't know."

Malachi still looked like he was going to say no.

Harry reached out, grabbing his arm; "Please, Malachi? I don't wanna go by myself." Malachi glanced at him and, as he did so, their skates knocked into one another, catching at the blades, and the two of them stumbled and tripped onto the ice.

"Ouch!" Harry grunted, as they hit the cold surface, Malachi on top of him. He noticed his Uncle Remus hurrying around the outside of the rink towards them. He looked at Malachi hopefully;

"Well? Will you come?" he asked, quickly, before the man could arrive; he knew he'd never leave them alone again now.

Malachi still looked frightened but he still shrugged and said; "Okay."

XXX

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the reviews and story alerts given for this since the last chapter! :D Not too much action in this one, but it sets up for some interesting events coming in the future ;).

**Xkrazed: **Hi! Thanks very much for your review! I'm really glad you're enjoying the story. That's Lily now on the road to letting go and Severus has still got Malachi for a couple more days. Hope this one gets to you for when you wake up ;)

**Jayc: **He he, I'm glad the chapter made you happy! Malachi isn't too fussed about Regulus leaving; he's quite used to it by now ;). No preview this time, as I'm trying to get this one edited and out before I have to leave for work. Thanks so much for your review and well wishes for the job! :D It's going well after my first day – though a bit knackered after the early rises it demands he he.


	27. February 1987: Stranger Danger

Chapter Twenty Six

Harry glanced impatiently out the window of the Phoenix Centre, then at the timepiece on the wall; the little hand of the clock was almost after one. It was getting late. His mum would come for him when the hand was down at the six. He didn't know all that much about time; but he did know that after lunch time it never felt like it was a long time between then and when his mum collected him.

He glanced over at Malachi, who was reading the book on his desk intently, before he made little scribbles of sums on the parchment. He lifted a finger, counted one, then another, counted two, and so on until he grinned and quickly put his hands down, lifted his quill again and wrote the number down.

Harry sighed, rocking back and forth on his seat. He wanted to go during the first break; but Miss Douglas had followed them all over the courtyard and he hadn't had the chance to sneak back into the classroom to collect the cloak.

"Alright, quills down, everyone!" Mrs Gillan called out, ringing a bell; "That's lunch time. Anyone going to the canteen line up at the silver door," she pointed at it; "Anyone with pack lunches that wants to eat outside, the green door," she pointed at the other one.

Everyone quickly jumped down from their stools.

Malachi began to make his way towards the silver door, but Harry quickly grabbed his arm, whispered; "No. We have to get outside."

"I don't have a packed lunch," Malachi said with a shrug, speaking quietly.

"They don't check," Harry stated, lifting his jacket and little bag off the floor at his desk. Malachi hesitated and then lifted his own, and followed him to the door to the courtyard. The group of children, larger than the ones going to the canteen, poured out into the cold courtyard.

The boys put their jackets on quickly, before hurrying over to the far corner. Harry glanced around carefully, before unzipping his bag; "Look," he whispered, before, with another glance, he tugged his father's invisibility cloak from it. He demonstrated with a hand, in case someone was watching.

Malachi chuckled, his eyes brightening excitedly; "Wow!"

"I know," Harry grinned; "It's my dad's." He glanced at Miss Douglas and Mrs Cronus, who were taking their own seats at one of the picnic tables. He stuffed his almost empty bag into the bushes, which Malachi quickly mimicked, and then the two of them hurried behind a larger bush.

"You have to stay really close or it won't work," Harry told Malachi, firmly; the other boy stood in close, pressed against him, as Harry flung the cloak over them.

Malachi was holding his breath. After a second he realised it, whispering; "Did it work?"

"I dunno. I think so," Harry whispered back, "Come on." The two of them walked awkwardly out from behind the bush \and stood, nervously waiting next to the tree on their left.

People looked through them.

They both looked at one another, grinning brightly.

"It works!" Malachi breathed, looking even more excited than before.

"Come on!" Harry whispered, and the two of them held the cloak tightly around themselves and began walking towards the doors back into the building. They stopped at the door to the classroom, which was closed; Harry looked at the other door that was open, where older witches and wizards were going in and out. He tugged Malachi in that direction.

They stepped into the building and Harry was relieved to be warm again. He supposed he couldn't complain about the cold; he was going to have to go back out when they got to the exit of the building. But he would do it if he got to see his Uncle Sirius again.

The two of them walked awkwardly, not sure where they were going, bumping into one another every other step to get out of the way of the people walking up and down the corridor.

"Ow!" Malachi yelped.

"Shh!"

"You stood on me!" Malachi hissed.

"It was an accident!" Harry hissed back, glancing nervously around the faces of the people walking around them; "Stop talking!" he whispered in his ear; "People might hear."

Malachi stayed quiet; and the two of them waddled down the hallway under the cover of the invisibility cloak.

Suddenly, as they rounded a corner, his mum's face was right in front of him and he jumped back in fright, making Malachi yelp in equal fright.

Harry stared at his mum; she was behind a sheet of glass, sitting at a table. With a man. He could only see the back of him. But he was more interested in his mum; she was smiling; talking; laughing.

Malachi whispered in his ear, making him jump; "That's your mum, isn't it?"

"Uh huh."

"That's my godfather," Malachi whispered; "Severus. He's looking after me."

Harry looked at Malachi curiously, before interestedly taking a few steps along the glass so that he could look at the man his mum was speaking to.

He didn't look like he was as happy as his mum was. He was listening to her; looking at her; nodding; talking just a little bit. He smiled, really small, and his mum smiled back big.

Harry leaned closer, almost pressed against the glass.

"Let's go," Malachi said, tugging on his arm; "If Severus sees me he'll make me go back to school."

Harry didn't move; he was too interested in his mum. How much she was smiling; how happy she looked. She didn't look at his Uncle Sirius and Uncle Remus like that. He glanced at the man though; he didn't look as friendly as his uncles were. Was he nice?

"Harry!" Malachi whispered, "Lunch will be finished soon. We won't have time to find Sirius."

Harry snapped to look at him when he said that; glanced back at his mum and the man; then turned and the two of them shuffled across the floor, searching for the exit to the building.

XXX

"Excellent findings, Lily!" Eugene exclaimed, as he glanced over the parchment she had submitted; "Excellent! This will be incredibly useful to the research."

Lily smiled, blushing under her manager's praise.

Cornelia Heart smiled at her, obviously pleased with her work also, as Eugene left the room, clutching the parchment in his hand; "Very good work."

"Thanks," Lily said, still blushing, "I...had a little help."

Cornelia nodded, with a knowing smile; "Yes. Severus is quite brilliant when it comes to Project Dorado; though that's no surprise, as he initiated it. Besides, your research focused on a completely different subject matter from what he would help you with; I'm sure a lot of it was your own insights."

Lily shrugged, modestly; "Oh. It really wasn't anything –"

Cornelia chuckled; "You two have been quite the talk of the Foundation, you know."

"Us two?" Lily frowned.

"Severus and yourself," Cornelia elaborated; "It's not like Severus to...take an interest in the 'fairer sex'," she stated, making quotation marks with her fingers.

Lily blushed, "Oh! Oh, no. It's...it's not like that at all. Severus and I are old friends."

Cornelia looked sceptical but it seemed decided to humour her; "Oh, I see. I'm sorry; all a misunderstanding. You know how it is around here; no secrets; everyone knows everyone's business. Even if it's all made up, it's always big news."

Lily nibbled her bottom lip, feeling strangely uncomfortable; "Yes. I have heard that."

"Though it would be rather ironic," Cornelia stated, with a grin; "If he were interested."

Lily paused; part of her not wanting to continuing with the hypothetical idea of Severus being interested in her, part of her wondering the reasoning behind any irony. Her curiosity won out; "Why?"

"Well..." Cornelia glanced at her, as she began flicking through some parchments, "You know it's against company policy for employees to be involved?"

Lily nodded; she had heard that.

"Well, it was Severus' situation that brought that about," Cornelia stated, was a glance around the room, as if she was worried Severus, himself, would be lurking there.

"What do you mean?" Lily frowned, her curiosity reaching higher heights; "What situation?"

Cornelia cleared her throat, before laying down the parchments she was holding; "Two years ago, Severus was involved with a woman who works here; you might have met her? Dana Wishbone?"

Lily paused a moment; she hadn't officially met her, but she had seen her. Tall; blonde hair; pretty. Nothing like her. She shook away the feeling; what was that? Jealousy?

No. She found herself feeling more uncomfortable, almost shifty.

"The two of them were involved after he returned from Italy –"

Italy? Severus had never told her he had been in Italy.

"I don't think Severus was nearly as serious about her as she was about him. Last a couple of months; talk of the Foundation for a while, as you can imagine," Cornelia was telling her, in a hushed tone, though her eyes were bright, as if she was delighted to finally find someone who didn't know the story for her to tell.

"Anyway; Severus broke it off and, after that happened; she just went crazy. I mean, not _crazy; _but she started sending love notes; breaking into his office; swapping shifts so she would be working when he was – she was working in the Research Department at this time – and timing breaks so they would bump into one another..."

Lily raised an amused eyebrow, wondering how Severus had managed to get himself in such a position; why he didn't just have her fired.

"Eventually Severus had enough. He tried to reason with her by himself; when that didn't work he went straight to the boss."

"The boss?" Lily repeated; "Regulus Black?"

"Aye," Cornelia nodded; "And Mr Black had her transferred to another department; told her if she went within ten feet of him she'd lose her job."

"Wow," Lily shook her head at the story, feeling sorry for Severus; how awkward he must have felt; "Poor Severus."

Cornelia chuckled; "Poor rest of the Foundation staff!" she declared; "Severus had Regulus ban any future relationships between colleagues! Any current relationships had to be declared on the spot for it to be accepted; anything after that date was considered gross misconduct."

Cornelia looked at her with a grin and shrugged; "Hence the reason for the irony."

Lily met her eyes and smiled slightly, before reasserting; "Like I said, Severus and I are just friends."

Cornelia still didn't look convinced but didn't say otherwise. She didn't have the chance; because at that moment a nervous looking runner burst through the door.

Cornelia looked at him sharply with a frown; "Shaw? Is something wrong?"

"Uh..." the boy looked nervous, before glancing in Lily's direction; "Mrs Potter?"

She felt a panic seize her; remembered him as the runner from the Phoenix wing from the day before. She stepped towards him; "Yes?"

"Uh...there's a problem at the Phoenix Centre," he stated, nervously, making her stomach drop and heart leap into her throat simultaneously; "It's your son. He's missing."

XXX

Severus was fuming; almost spitting fire and blowing smoke from his nostrils as he addressed the Phoenix staff, after being informed of the details of Malachi and Lily's son's disappearance.

What if they had been snatched by the people who had murdered Evelyn; what if they had simply snatched by _anyone_! How could such a thing have happened, in such a secure facility as this?

"This is an absolute disgrace! What were you doing while these children disappeared? Gossiping about hair and make-up? Perhaps making arrangements for your weekends off? Well I shall tell you what you'll be doing; you'll be looking for a new place of employment! And do not expect a reference!"

"Severus!"

He turned to see Lily hurrying up the corridor towards him, her face pale and expression a picture of panic and dread. She looked at him with terrified, searching eyes; "What happened?"

"It seems that your son and Malachi Redway have _somehow_," – he gave a pointed glance in the two teachers' direction – "managed to leave the premises."

"But how? How could they have passed the security guards?" Lily said quickly, "They would have stopped them. Are there any secret passages? Severus, what if someone has taken them?"

She was talking without taking a breath; Severus put a hand on her arm to silence her and then gently guided her away from the others who were listening.

He kept his hand on her arm, speaking reassuringly; "I doubt that would have happened, Lily. People are screened thoroughly upon entering the building, as you know; it would not be possible for them to remove both the children without raising some suspicion."

Lily drew in a breath, attempting to calm herself.

"I have alerted the Ministry; they are monitoring any locations where either of the two of them may use magic; once we get word we shall be able to trace them."

"Why would either of them use magic? They're just children, they don't know how."

"Has there never been an occasion of accidental magic with your son?"

She shook her head; no.

"Professor Snape!"

Severus turned as a runner, Francis Dalwinkle, hurried towards him, clutching a piece of parchment; "The Ministry has informed us that the trace on Harry Potter has activated," he held out the parchment to him. Severus took it quickly, glancing at the information; "Thornhill."

Lily's eyes eyes widened, while her face paled; "How could they have gotten so far? It would take them hours to get there!"

Severus nodded; they had obviously not travelled on foot, perhaps not even alone, and tucked the parchment away; "I shall investigate."

He only took a few steps before Lily piped up at his heels; "I'm coming with you."

Severus felt like answering that that much was both obvious and expected; instead, he gave her a nod as they hurried down the corridor.

XXX

"Do you even know where we are?" Malachi glared at Harry in irritation. So far they had got on a bus that they were on for ages, that dropped them off in a little town and then walked for what seemed like hours across fields, through the woods and through another little village where scary people had stared at them as they passed by their shops. And then they'd gotten on a train and walked some more until they came to another village.

The next village wasn't so bad; it was a bit bigger. It looked familiar; and so did they, because people were looking and pointing and talking about them as they walked through. They were all dressed in robes; they were all witches and wizards. Someone asked Harry where his mother was, offered to take them into the shop.

Harry had told her no and pretended his mum was waiting for them somewhere, then they ran away.

_Stranger, danger; _Harry had said and then had to explain it was a muggle saying and that's why he'd never heard of it.

"Uh huh," Harry said, in answer to his question.

Harry was lying; he knew he was lying. He hated it when people lied to him.

And the search for Sirius didn't seem all that much fun anymore, now that it was almost dark and getting really cold.

He stubbed his toe on a rock as they entered another set of woods; "Ow!" he yelled out, as he tripped and fell onto his knees.

Harry leaned over him, peering at his knee curiously; "I think it's bleeding."

"Do you have a hanky?" Malachi looked at him; Harry shook his head. Malachi rolled up his trouser leg, revealing a cut across his knees and whimpered, looking at it sadly; "It hurts."

"Don't cry; that's what babies do."

"I'm not a baby!"

"Here," Harry started ripping the fabric across the bottom of his shirt; "I saw my mum do it when she was helping a muggle once; mum's a healer. Kinda. She said you've gotta press the cut so it stops bleeding."

Malachi immediately pressed his hand to his knees.

Harry shook his head, kneeling down beside him; "It's too deep for that. Here," Harry tucked the fabric around the back of his knee, then turned it, beginning to wrap it round gently; at the last moment he yanked, pulling the fabric so tight that Malachi yelped again in pain.

"Ow!" he shoved Harry, sending the other boy to the ground with a thud.

"I was just helping!" Harry yelled, angrily, using his arms to push himself onto his bottom. He grabbed the edges of the fabric again; "I gotta pull it really tight or you'll keep bleeding and wolves will come."

"Wolves!" Malachi cried in terror; "There's no wolves here!"

Harry shrugged, glancing around the woods, looking more curious than worried. Malachi's brow stitched together both in pain and in fretfulness; "I wanna go home. You don't even know where Sirius is."

"No one knows. He's hiding; everyone hides in the woods."

"No they don't. If they did everyone would find them."

"Uncle Sirius can turn into a dog when he wants; it won't matter because no one would know it was him."

"I wanna go home," Malachi repeated; "We've been away ages." Severus would be so angry if he wasn't at the school when he came to pick him up. He'd never seen him angry with him before; but he'd heard him fight with his dad and that was enough to assure him that he didn't want to be on the receiving end of his fury.

"We can't go home; what if he's right over there?" Harry pointed in a random direction; one they wouldn't even be walking in. Malachi shivered, eyeing his wound again, before he pulled the trouser leg back down over it. He got to his feet; he was able to walk okay on it.

A rustling in the bushes near them made them both jump and straighten, turning in the direction of the sound. Malachi swallowed, breathing quickly, panicked; he wished they hadn't let the invisibility cloak earlier.

Harry had said they had to leave it, so people couldn't find them and make them stop looking for Sirius. But now, Malachi wished someone would find them. He felt Harry's hand grip his sleeve, as he peered at the bush, which continued to rustle.

A moment later, a centaur leaped out, landing in front of them.

They screamed; they sounded like little girls.

The centaur raised an eyebrow, smiling a little bit; thinking it was funny; "What are two little ones like yourselves doing wandering the forest?"

"Uh, n...nothing," Harry stammered, as his grip on Malachi's sleeve tightened; "We were just going home."

"Home? No homes around here, kid."

"Uh...we were looking for my uncle first," Harry explained, before looking at him curiously; "Have you seen him? Sirius Black."

"Afraid not."

"Okay," Malachi quickly nodded, now grabbing Harry's sleeve; so they were both mimicking each other; "Bye!"

He quickly ran, tugging Harry along behind him. They released one another as they gained speed, hurrying deeper into the forest, the feet slamming against the ground, breaking branches, and trampling all over flowers and weeds, until they both stumbled into a clearing and stopped; hands on their knees, gasping for breath.

Malachi's breath, which he was barely managing to get back, caught in his throat as he stared at a large, white object across the clearing.

He gasped, grabbing Harry's arm; "Harry, look!" he whispered.

Harry spun around and saw what he saw; a unicorn.

It hadn't noticed them. It was grazing in the grass; it seemed to glow and sparkle in the dark woods.

Malachi wished he had his painting supplies with him.

"Wow," Harry whispered, taking a step towards it.

"Don't move, you'll scare it," Malachi whispered.

"Now now; what d'we have 'ere then?" a gigantic man appeared from the bushes to the left of them.

Malachi and Harry stumbled backwards away from him; but Harry's leg caught a branch and he fell backwards. Malachi quickly leaned down, trying to pull him up.

"Careful there; ye don' want te hurt him more that he already is," the man said, sounding jolly and friendly; but Malachi was still frightened, staring at him in terror.

The man kneeled down in front of them; he looked between them, then stopped when he looked at Harry; and he peered at him for a moment before he smiled widely; "Nah, couldn't be? Little Harry Potter?"

Harry stared at him and Malachi could tell he didn't know who he was.

"Just leave us alone, mister," Malachi said, trying to sound stronger, but he stammered and sounded frightened and he blushed.

"Can't be doing that, I'm 'fraid. You two got any idea where ye are? Nah, you'll have to come back t' the castle wi' me. Let Dumbledore see t' ye."

Both Malachi and Harry straightened with wide eyes; Dumbledore was someone they'd only ever seen on chocolate frog cards.

"We're at Hogwarts?" Harry said, excitedly.

"No right now yer not," the man stated; "This is the Forbidden Forest. Yer very lucky you haven' been snatched or worse. What you two doin' out here? Where's your mum, Harry?"

Harry shrugged; "Working. Who are you?"

"Pardon my manners," the huge man held out a huge hand; "Rubeus Hagrid."

Malachi eyed him suspiciously; but Harry took his hand and shook it. The man looked in his direction, holding the hand out to him; "An' yourself?"

Malachi glanced at Harry who nodded slightly; Malachi looked back at him, cautiously taking his hand; "I'm Malachi."

The giant, Hagrid, stood up and towered over them; "Well, come on. It's a bit of a trek back t' the castle."

He and Harry quickly got to their feet.

"We can't," Harry said; "We're looking for my Uncle Sirius."

"Sirius? Is he out here with ye?"

"Uh, no," Harry shrugged; "He went away ages ago. He's looking for someone."

Malachi thought the man looked like he knew what Harry was talking about but he didn't say that. He just nodded; "Well, it's gettin' way too dark for two little things like yourselves to be running around in the Forbidden Forest; let's get ye both back t' the castle and see what Dumbledore has t' say. He might be able t' give ye a hand."

Harry nodded immediately and began to follow the man back through the tress. Malachi grabbed his arm, speaking quietly as they followed him; "What about 'stranger danger'?" he repeated what Harry had said to him earlier in a whisper.

"It's okay. You heard; he knows Dumbledore," Harry stated, confidently.

"_Everyone _knows Dumbledore," Malachi countered, quietly, "Even bad people."

"I think he's nice."

"Maybe he just wants you to think he's nice; but really he's really horrible and nasty and likes to use children in potions or something."

"Shh! If he hears you he might not help us," Harry hissed, looking anxiously at the man's back.

Realising that his only options were to follow this man or to wonder off by himself in the woods - the Forbidden Forest – Malachi reluctantly conceded and settled into silence as they were led deeper into the trees, the darkness falling around them even more quickly than before; dreading what would happen when Severus went to get him from school.

XXX

**Author's Note: **Thanks so much for all the kind reviews and story alerts added since the last chapter! You all brighten my day when I come home to all these notification emails :D

**Chapter Twenty Seven Preview:  
**As Dumbledore meets the boy who could have been the 'Chosen One', Severus and Lily have been spending the day attempting to track down the two boys and Severus finds that there is a lot he doesn't know about his old friend.

**Kadajclone100**: Ha ha, yes, Harry is a bit of a brat in this story. He's a little bit spoiled in this timeline; he's got three 'guardians' who all love him and want to make up for the loss of his dad, so it's got it easier that way than he did in the books. Thanks for your review!

**Jayc: **Thanks so much for reviewing! There's some Severus and Lily development coming up very soon ;)


	28. February 1987: Secrets and Lies

Chapter Twenty Seven

"This is my fault."

Severus glanced over at Lily at the self-deprecating statement, as they traipsed through the trees that the people whom they had spoken to had indicated. Her forehead glistened with perspiration, after hiking through various woods and fields that locals had guided them towards, but he supposed it was a good thing considering how quickly the temperature had dropped since the sun had began to set.

He was glad that, despite being a pretty lousy father when it came to actually being present, Regulus was actually quite a worrywart of a parent and had insisted that Severus ensure the boy only ever left the house dressed in a huge, fleece lined cloak, a scarf, a hat and gloves. At least the child wouldn't freeze to death under his care.

"How could it possibly be your fault?" Severus asked, derisively; "It is the incompetence of the Phoenix staff that is to blame. At least we may take comfort in the fact that anytime they have been spotted they have been alone; therefore the children have not been removed or taken against their will."

"Not yet," Lily added, quietly, lifting her skirt a few inches to climb over a fallen branch; "Harry!" she called out, loudly, her hands on either side of her lips to increase her volume, making him jump.

She called her son's name again; though he did not entertain the idea and begin calling for his godson. A simple tracking would do well enough for him; he waved his wand over the leaves at his feet and, sure enough, the spell indicated that small footsteps had gone in that direction.

Lily released a shaking breath, before lowering herself onto a log, as Severus followed the footsteps, glancing around in the bushes and small hollows in the trees for any signs that the steps had belonged to their charges.

Severus glanced over at her, her despair, regret and desperation coming off of her in waves; he straightened and, continuing to glance in various hollows and nooks that surrounded them, he addressed her; "You should not blame yourself for this, Lily. No doubt the children are re-enacting some children's story they have heard and view this as some exciting expedition. Children often get foolish ideas into their heads. I am sure you remember how you and I were at nine years old?"

A slight smile tugged at her lips at his reminder but she kept her eyes on her clasped hands in her lap; "He's more like his father than I thought."

Severus, who had been bending to look in another tree hollow, hesitated in his movements at the mention of James Potter. He felt that familiar rise of bitterness, of _hatred_, that he always felt when he thought of the man; quick memory flashes of events that had taken place in his school years, when he too was a child, passed before his eyes. Younger years being taunted, teased, hexed, jeered at; older years watching his best friend, who was no longer his best friend, holding hands with the man, smiling at him, laughing with him, kissing him.

He drew in a silent, calming breath, forcing away those memories and the feelings that came with them; events that had taken place almost a decade ago now. They were no longer important. Nor were they anything for him to waste his thoughts or emotions on; even if he always would hate James Potter.

He wondered just how much like his father Lily's son was?

"If that is true then take comfort in the fact that your husband often managed to dip in and out of trouble whenever it suited him with very little consequence."

Then he paused; because, in the end, that wasn't true. He cast a careful glance at Lily, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, but she didn't address the comment.

"I'm a terrible mother."

"Is this really the time for self-pity?" Severus straightened, earning himself a glare from her. He held her look for a moment, then resumed his search for clues; "I'm sure that is not true."

"He told me he hated me last week."

"He is a child. Children often make insincere comments in an attempt to hurt."

"No, he meant it."

Severus cast her an unconvinced look, as he knelt and pulled back some branches of a bush to peer inside; "Lily, I am sure your son doesn't hate you."

"Maybe not hate," Lily conceded; "But he is resentful. And disappointed; for good reason, though."

Severus made to comment, however his hand came into contact with a soft piece of fabric. He frowned and grabbed it, pulling it from the confines of the bushes. He looked down at the cloak in his hand with a frown, before he stood and made his way towards Lily; "Does this belong to your son?"

Lily stood quickly, taking it from his hands; "This is James' invisibility cloak!" As if to demonstrate, she flung it around herself and, promptly, her body disappeared so that she was only a floating head. The sight may have been amusing if not for the fact that this cloak had often been a tool in Black and Potter's pranks when he was a child.

"Then we are on the right track," Severus stated, brusquely, making his way in the direction of the footsteps that his charm had picked up; "They cannot have gotten much further; there is nothing beyond here but fields and they would have become bored."

Lily tucked the invisibility cloak away and followed him; her previous, disparaging thoughts seeming to have been wiped away for the time being.

XXX

Harry and Malachi walked through the castle with wide eyes; everything amazing and new to them. Ghosts floated by and Hagrid, the man who was leading them, would greet them with a smile and a laugh as if the whole thing was normal, and children wandered through in black robes with various coloured ties; red and gold; green and silver; yellow and black; blue and bronze.

The red and gold ones reminded him of his dad's room at the hospital; everything there was red and gold.

Harry liked the green and silver ties better; it made him think of his mum. She liked to wear green a lot.

Harry saw a boy holding a wand, waving it; and then a little flurry of sparks burst from the tip and he suddenly couldn't wait until he could get his own wand and come to Hogwarts so he could learn how to use it.

They arrived at a wall.

"Liquorice," Hagrid said; and the wall turned revealing a spiral staircase. A large hand guided him towards it and he climbed in first; Malachi still didn't trust the man, even though he had stopped being so suspicious when they had first seen the castle at the edge of the forest.

"This is awesome," Harry whispered.

Malachi glanced at him, looking equally excited, as they ascended, but didn't say anything.

Moments later they were walking into a large office, where books lined the walls, portraits with nosey people peered down at them, and a large desk sat in the middle of the room, an old man both of them recognised from their chocolate frog cards sitting behind it.

Malachi looked even more excited now and he and Harry smiled brightly.

The old man lowered his half moon glasses, peering over at them curiously as he stood; "Hagrid, who are these young boys?"

"Beggin' your pardon, Headmaster; found these little ones in the Forbidden Forest. Wanderin' around all on their own, they were. Thought I'd best bring 'em back here."

Dumbledore was looking at Harry, as if trying to figure out who he was. After a moment he gave him a smile; "Is this Lily Potter's son?"

Harry's smile widened and he nodded, stepping forward; "Uh huh. I'm Harry," he quickly held out a hand to him. The old man chuckled and shook his hand obligingly, before turning his eyes to the other boy.

"And who is your friend?"

Harry quickly waved a hand at him to come over; "This is Malachi Redway."

Dumbledore's eyes softened, as if he knew everything about him, and he held out a hand to him. Malachi took his hand eagerly, shaking it; "Pleased to meet you."

"Ah, the pleasure is mine, my boy," Dumbledore smiled warmly at him; "I have heard a great deal about you. Your father is a good friend of mine."

Malachi's eyes widened; "You know my dad?"

"I do," Dumbledore nodded, before looking back at Harry; "And yours too, Harry."

Harry didn't care. _He _didn't even know his dad; "Do you know my Uncle Sirius?"

"I do."

"Do you know where he is?" Harry went on, eagerly; Dumbledore was the greatest wizard alive, he would know how to find him.

"I do not, I'm afraid," he lifted a glass bowl that was filled with sweets; "Please, help yourselves to some lemon drops."

Harry, still disappointed that the old man couldn't help with finding his uncle, stuck a hand into the bowl, coming out with a handful of the hard boiled sweets. Malachi was more reserved, taking only a couple with his thumb and index finger; "Thanks."

"Thank you," Harry followed suit, reminded of his manners.

Dumbledore watched them as they eagerly devoured the sweets in the hands before he addressed Hagrid; "You say you found them in the Forbidden Forest, Hagrid?"

"Aye. Looked pretty shaken up."

Dumbledore nodded; "I'm sure there are still animals to be tended to this evening? I shall take care of these two and alert their parents to their whereabouts."

Hagrid accepted the dismissal and said goodbye to the boys.

"Bye," Harry smiled; Malachi gave him a shy smile.

"Might an old man ask what two young boys were doing wandering the Forbidden Forest?" Dumbledore addressed them, once the other man had left.

"We're looking for my Uncle Sirius; he's Malachi's uncle as well, you know."

"Yes, I did know," Dumbledore nodded, though he looked more serious than before; "I assume your mother doesn't know where you are, Harry?"

Harry glanced at the timepiece on the wall; his heart sinking when he noticed that the little hand was now well beyond nine and his mum would have gone to the Phoenix Centre to get him by now. He looked at Dumbledore; "She was working."

"But she won't be working now, will she? She will be very concerned."

"We thought we'd be back before school finished," Malachi piped up, before he plucked a sweet from the pile in Harry's hands.

"Your dad will be very worried about you, also, Malachi."

Malachi shook his head; "My dad's away. My godfather's looking after me; Severus."

Harry thought that Dumbledore was going to laugh; he grinned instead; "And you do not think that Severus will be cross with you once he realises that you are missing?"

Malachi looked at him with nervous eyes.

"My mum's friends with Severus," Harry pointed out, remember the man he had seen her with earlier that day; "Do you know him too?"

Dumbledore nodded. Malachi was right; he knew everyone.

"And my Uncle Remus too?"

"All former students of mine," Dumbledore stated; and Harry remembered that his uncles, his mother and his father had all gone to Hogwarts when they were kids.

Malachi tugged his scarf from his neck, unfastening his cloak, and Harry suddenly realised how hot it was in the room. He shrugged out of his jacket and pulled off his hat.

"Yes, do make yourself comfortable," Dumbledore pointed his wand at the simple chairs, transforming them into two large armchairs and they quickly jumped up onto the same one, squeezed together, as Dumbledore summoned a house elf and had her deliver hot chocolate, cakes and biscuits.

XXX

It was freezing.

And it was dark and late; almost nine thirty. Well beyond her son's bedtime and yet they still had not managed to find the boys. She had checked in with Remus twice; both times he had heard nothing and both times he had insisted he return with her and accompany her with the search. But, despite that, they both agreed it was best he remained at home in case Harry should show up at his flat again, as he had done the last time he had run away.

The footsteps Severus had managed to trace had taken them to a train station and, since then, they had been apparating to each of the stops to check for any signs that either of them had been there until they had come to the last possible stop which was only a few miles from Hogsmeade and had taken their chances there.

They had been in luck; they had come across a witch that Lily had known whilst serving the Order; someone who had offered their home as a safe house, who recognised and had spoken with Harry.

It had been somewhat of a relief to learn; but that relief was short lived when the witch had informed them that the children had made off in the direction of the road leading to the Forbidden Forest.

"Have you taken leave of your senses? Who allows two young, unaccompanied children simply to wander off in the direction of one of the most dangerous locations known to man?" Severus seethed.

Lily had rescued the woman from his fury, though her feelings were much the same, insisting to Severus that they should hurry and try to catch up to them. If they had actually entered the Forest then they had to track them down as soon as possible.

She forced away all the terrible thoughts that were constantly coming to mind; images of all the terrible things, terrible creatures that her son could have come up against while here. So far she and Severus had wandered the Forbidden Forest for almost half an hour and had been lucky enough not to see anything.

Severus had insisted she hide beneath the invisibility cloak; refusing her offer to join her beneath it, saying it was not large enough and would do little for protection if it could not conceal them both completely.

Every few moments, his hand would reach behind him, where she was standing, and brush against the fabric of the cloak, to check she was still there.

"I can't believe they managed to get all the way to Hogwarts from the Foundation," she said, quietly.

Severus never responded; his wand held tightly in his hand, the tip lit, as he glanced around the area. After a few moments he spoke; "You said earlier you believe your son is disappointed in you? Perhaps you and Regulus ought to get together and compare notes."

Lily frowned; "What do you mean?"

"Only that Regulus also believes he is failing as a father," Severus stated, and Lily thought there was an unspoken agreement with the statement in his tone; "You said you believe your son is resentful? Do you believe he has willingly run away?"

Lily hesitated, almost stumbling over a branch, as she was reminded of her more recent dealings with her son. Silly things like not even knowing he was learning an instrument; finding out he thought exactly the same regarding her attitude towards James; being shocked by his maturity when they had finally spoken about all the things that were wrong; "I don't know. To be honest; I don't really know my son at all."

Severus glanced over his shoulder, right at her, but of course he couldn't see her.

"You are doing your best, I'm sure."

Lily smiled slightly, though the comment really didn't make her feel any better. Severus knew so little about everything that had been going on with her; things that were going on at home. With Harry; with Sirius. He only knew the other side of her; the one that pretended all that wasn't happening. The one who pretended everything was okay; that they were still fifteen years old, best friends at Hogwarts.

And, she realised, that's how they had been back then too. Burying their heads in the sand; ignoring the chaos going on around them; ignoring the pointed looks; the stares; the house prejudices. They never addressed them. They simply ignored the world that was falling apart around them until, finally, their tactic of ignorance blew up in their faces and suddenly that's _all _they could talk about. And it was all that mattered. And they couldn't overcome it. It had consumed them and then destroyed them.

With a sigh she pulled the cloak from her head, revealing herself. And when he turned around sharply at her action she felt as if she were truly revealing herself to him for the first time. He hesitated in his protest, obviously seeing the glimmer of unshed tears in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away before they could fall.

"Lily," Severus' voice was soft, reassuring; "Your son will be fine."

She glanced at him and shook her head; "You don't know that. And even if he was; there's more damage to him that just this," she waved an arm at nothing, with a shrug; "I mean...I've really messed up with him. Like..._really_..."

She sounded like a teenager again, a whiny teenager; and mused at the irony that here she was trying _not _to be like that girl she had been back then and, while changing the tactic of concealment, had now revert to the same behaviour.

Severus looked unsurely at her for a moment, before he walked over to her, placing a hand on her arm and guiding her towards a boulder; "Sit down. We shall take a few moments."

He kept his hand on her arm a little longer than strictly necessary after she had sat down and she found herself enjoying the comfort of it; and felt strangely bereft when he removed it.

Lily drew in a deep breath, attempting to gather her thoughts; thoughts that were all coming at once; "I've been neglecting him."

"I highly doubt that."

"No," she shook her head, "No. I mean, not on purpose, of course. I...I've been so concerned with other things. Things that weren't important...well, no that's not true, they _are _important..._were _important..." she raised frustrated hands to her face, rubbing it agitatedly; "God...what a fucking mess!"

"Lily, take a moment and breathe," Severus' hand was on her upper arm, rubbing it, and she felt a jolt within her at the contact. She leaned into his touch slightly. After a moment she lowered her hands from her face and raised her eyes to his.

He was looking at her warmly, his eyes full of so much concern and fondness, that she almost caught her breath. She swallowed, before she shifted over and patted the small spot next to her. Severus eyed it, as if doubting he would be able to squeeze onto such a small area, but obliged and they sat with their arms pressed tightly against one another, as they attempted to fit on the small surface.

"Severus..." she hesitated, about to broach subject that they never spoke about. Another subject they never acknowledged; "For a long time...until recently...I was very focused on finding a cure for James."

As expected, she immediately felt Severus tense. He moved slightly, as if to stand, but, after a second, he stilled though never spoke.

"And...and Harry's suffered the consequences of that. I...I haven't been there for him."

She felt Severus relax slightly, as the direction of conversation changed; "I see."

"Sirius and Remus have practically raised him; I've been off wasting money, time, giving everything I have to try and find something that I don't think can even be found –"

"I hope those are not your true sentiments, considering your current placement at the Foundation."

Lily glanced at him; noticed his eyes light with teasing amusement. She gave him a small smile.

"Now he's lost any connection he may have had, even to his father's memory. He looks at Sirius as if he were his father; as if he doesn't even need a mother. He blames James for me not being there for him."

Severus looked like he was struggling over what he wanted to say but, after a few moments of silence, he said; "It is only natural that you would do everything you can to get your husband back, Lily."

To anyone else his expression would look blank; but she remembered how he was when they were at school. She remembered how easily she could read him then; decipher every twitch of his lips, the movement of his jaw, of his eyes. And she found it was something she could still do, even now. She could read everything he was trying to conceal.

It had hurt him to say it.

Lily bit her lip, ten years of guilt suddenly falling upon her shoulders, and she reached for his hand. His hand twitched in surprise when she touched it with hers, but he didn't pull away when she took it and squeezed it.

"Severus," she whispered; "I...I'm really sorry for everything."

"You have already apologised," he attempted to pull back his hand, but she held on tight, and he didn't try any harder to remove it.

"Not for...James."

Severus looked at her fully at that; and she could see a betrayal in his eyes, the same look he had often given her across the rooms whenever their eyes had met in those final few months of Hogwarts. After she and James had become official and the other students had learned about them.

"I do not need your apologies for the behaviour of James Potter."

And he spoke her husband's name with such distain that she almost flinched. She swallowed, lowering her eyes; "I meant for...I know it couldn't have been easy for you; seeing me with him."

This time he did pull his hand from hers; "Stop, Lily. This is all in the past; and not something I wish to discuss."

"But don't you think we ought to discuss it?" she asked, as Severus stood. She also got to her feet; "I mean, how can we really be friends if we've got this hanging over us all the time? We've tried it before, remember? Pretending other things don't matter; that we aren't affected by everything going on around us?"

Severus met her eyes at the reminder of their Hogwarts years.

Lily swallowed; "I just...I don't want to lose you again."

"You won't."

He sounded so certain; so sure. And then he added; "Not if you don't want to."

Lily frowned at the condition; "What do you mean?"

Severus seemed uncertain about whether or not he wanted to elaborate, but went on; "Only that it will not be me who ends this friendship."

Lily couldn't help but notice the obvious indication that it would be _her _who ended their relationship; and she was left wondering if he was making a point regarding her previous severing of their friendship or if he was implying she may end it in the future; that there may be a reason why she would want to end it in the future.

"Your previous relationship is of no concern to me. I accept your apology and ask that we do not discuss it further. What's done is done. I accept that and acknowledge it."

He walked brusquely by her, deeper into the forest. She quickly grabbed the invisibility cloak, though didn't put it on, and hurried after him; "Severus, I didn't mean to upset you."

"I am not upset."

She reached out, grabbing his arm so she could pull him around, and he turned to face her.

She swallowed, looking up at him, apologetically; "Yes you are."

His expression was passive; emotionless; but she could still tell.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, going on; "I just...I wanted to be honest with you."

Severus stared at her a moment; his lips parted, as if to speak, then pressed tightly together; he looked away and she thought she could see guilt, regret in his eyes. But it was gone when he looked back at her.

"Lily, I know there are things I do not know about you. Things regarding your son; regarding your husband. I do not expect you to tell me the details of this. Or of what you have been doing for the past ten years."

Lily frowned, confused at the reasoning behind his statement.

After a moment he changed the subject; "Perhaps you should check if Lupin has heard anything more regarding your son."

She kept her eyes on his a few moments longer, searching for something; because suddenly she realised he was hiding something from her. Something he didn't want her to know. But she knew better than to expect an answer to her questions; and that she definitely wouldn't get any considering the way Severus had closed up over the past few minutes.

So she nodded and handed the cloak to him; "Put this on, then. I won't be needing it." Severus took it but didn't put it on, only watched as she stepped back and dissaparated.

XXX

"Could you help me look for him?"

Harry was looking at Dumbledore hopefully, having relayed all of the events of the day, as well as why his Uncle Sirius had left them. He wasn't surprised that Dumbledore knew who Peter Pettigrew was either, and that he also knew all about why he was in prison and that he'd now escaped.

The Headmaster of Hogwarts seemed to know everyone and everything!

When he found out they had been out since lunch time and hadn't eaten, he had had the house elf from before bring up roast dinners for them; but they could hardly eat it all after satisfying their appetites with the cakes and biscuits provided to them before that.

"I am sure your Uncle Sirius is fine, Harry. And he will return to you once his task is complete. However, if it brings you comfort, I promise that if I am to come across him I will tell him to get in contact with you."

Harry smiled, pleased, certain that he would see his uncle soon. Dumbledore knew so much that his Uncle Sirius would probably go to him for help sometime to try and find Peter.

"It appears today's events have all been too much for your friend," Dumbledore chuckled.

Harry looked in the direction Dumbledore indicated; Malachi was sleeping, curled up in the chair next to him. Harry yawned, the sight of his friend asleep reminding him how late it was. He looked at the timepiece; "Maybe you could tell my mum that I'm here?"

"I have already sent a message your mother's way," Dumbledore stated, smilingly; "And also to your Uncle Remus."

Harry smiled and nodded, yawning again.

Dumbledore stood; "Come. As Malachi is currently under Professor Snape's care, I am sure he would not mind the two of you waiting in his chambers for him."

Harry quickly shook Malachi's arm to wake him and slid down from the chair, hurrying after the old man.

XXX

Severus scowled as he sat waiting for Lily on a fallen log; Potter's invisibility cloak held tightly in his hands. Hell would freeze over before he would resort to using James Potter's belongings as if they were his own.

The conversation he had just had with Lily had left a sour taste in his mouth; the bitterness of regret and guilt washing over him so hard and fast that he had had to send her away because he couldn't possibly look into those eyes and keep those emotions under control. He needed time to gather his thoughts; his composure.

Here she was declaring honesty and friendship, while he continued to conceal something so big, so abhorrent that it would surely be the end of their friendship if she were to ever find out. He wished he had just confessed from the beginning; better yet, he wished he had gone to trial and she had simply read all about his past mistakes in the Prophet when the war ended almost six years ago.

Instead he had kept the secret; allowing them to become closer, allowing it to get to the point that it would almost be a betrayal to reveal the truth to her now.

He closed his eyes, forcing away the thought; no it wouldn't. They hadn't been friends. And he had owed her nothing back then.

But he owed her now, his mind reminded him. He was her friend now; a good enough friend that she had decided to confide in him about her problems regarding her son.

Though that was another issue that left him feeling bitter.

Although he had expected as much, considering her Fellowship application, to hear her state outright that she continued to long for her husband's return, though obvious, only served to revive the jealous, angry little boy inside him that he had been when he was fourteen, fifteen, and had realised that his enemy fancied his best friend and hoped to take her away from him.

But this was different, he reminded himself. She wasn't _his. _And Potter wasn't taking her away. He had her. He had taken her heart long ago.

Severus swallowed; but he was her friend now. He had another chance at that. And it wasn't a chance he was willing to destroy; not this time.

So he had to tell her the truth. He had to be honest with her, like she was being with him.

He had to tell her what he had been; that he had been a Death Eater. And he had to tell her about the prophecy. In the end, Neville had been chosen; but she deserved to know why she had been put in hiding for over a year.

It may be the end of their friendship. But they were getting close; so close; and he knew it would destroy him if they got any closer and it ended then, if she found out from someone else.

Something that could no longer be avoided; the darkening mark on his arm a frequent reminder of that.

At that moment she apparated before him, her eyes wide;

"Severus! They're at the Castle!"


	29. February 1987: Moment of Truth

Chapter Twenty Eight

Dumbledore never ceased to amaze him with his audacity.

To leave two unaccompanied children in his chambers, his _private _chambers, under the assumption that he 'would not mind'. How could he not mind such a thing? Even if he did not keep many of his own belongings within his Hogwarts chambers, he still used the rooms on occasion. They were still _his. _And the idea that two rowdy children were now in them, unsupervised, potentially destroying anything that he had misfortunately left there on his last stay was horrifying.

He strode down the corridors of the dungeons, his robes billowing, while Lily struggled to keep up the pace behind him, and students on patrol stepped aside with wide eyes; clearly surprised to see the professor within the school after hours.

He burst open the door to his chambers and found himself irritated that the old man had not thought it necessary to re-ward the room following his departure.

He glanced around the room, as Lily hurried in behind him, also scanning the room; "Harry?"

Severus frowned, before he glanced in the direction of his own bedroom. He frowned; _surely not? _He strode over the door, not quite closed, and pushed it open.

Sure enough; there they were.

Malachi lay curled up on his bed, still in his day clothes, sleeping soundly as he wrapped one arm around the pillow beneath his head. Next to him was a boy he had never met but whose identity he knew well enough; Harry Potter.

Even in sleep, Severus could see the resemblance to James Potter. Same messy hair; same nose; same chin; same cheekbone definition, even at six years old.

He felt Lily step in beside him; heard an exhale of relief at the sight of her son, safe and sound, before her.

Severus made to step towards the boys, fully intended to grab them and remove them from his room at once, when he felt Lily's hand on his arm, stilling him. He glanced at her and she lifted a finger to her lips, telling him to keep quiet. And then she took his hand again, as she had already done that night; and he suddenly wondered when they had become so comfortable with one another that such touches had become common.

They had touched frequently that day, he realised.

And then he realised, with some alarm, that Lily Potter was in his _bedroom._

Granted, there were two young boys on the bed and he very rarely spent the evenings there; however, the fact remained; this was his bedroom. A room he could use as he pleased. And it was no secret what bedrooms often _were _used for; and suddenly some very inappropriate thoughts were passing through his mind.

The thoughts were fleeting as, when Lily had taken his hand, she had begun drawing him from the room. But they still left him feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed and hot all over; and he knew that he was beginning to redden by the time they were back in the living area.

"The children cannot be comfortable; they are still in their day clothing and are sleeping above the covers," Severus stated the obvious, avoiding her eyes as he made his way towards the counters of his open plan kitchen area.

"Maybe let them rest a while," Lily suggested, before she added with a glance at the door; "Harry has a lot of work to do tomorrow."

Severus grinned at the implication of the punishment she had lined up for him; and then realised with some exasperation that he would have to think up a punishment for the other boy.

"Perhaps a little while. I do not often stay here and, as you see, there is no other rooms for guests."

"Oh!" Lily looked embarrassed, "No...I didn't mean we would stay all night..." Now she looked red as well and he wondered if she was being plagued by the same thoughts he was having just moments ago.

Something about this situation, about having Lily here, in his living quarters, seemed entirely inappropriate. He almost felt like he was being teased.

He wondered if that had been Dumbledore's intention.

"Can I get you something to drink?" he asked, taking two mugs from the cupboard.

"Um, tea would be fine," she accepted, still standing in the middle of the room; "Milk, two sugars."

"I remember." Severus glanced at the chair and the couch, both of which within a foot of her. He smirked; "You can sit."

She gave him an uncomfortable looking smile, before she shrugged out of her cloak and sat down on the couch. She pulled off her gloves and then tugged the scarf from her neck, placing them neatly over the arm rest, as he went about preparing their drinks.

He hesitated when he reached her, holding them; he handed the mug with her drink to her, as he quickly attempted to decide whether or not to sit down beside her or take a seat in the armchair nearby. Judging by his previous thoughts, as well as the obvious tension that seemed to have arisen out of nowhere upon finding themselves in his rooms, the most logical decision would be to put some distance between them and sit down in the chair.

He sat down next to her on the couch.

She rolled her eyes; "What a day." She sounded more relaxed, more like herself now that she knew her son was safe.

"Indeed," he agreed. He vowed that Regulus would pay for this when he returned.

Lily was glancing around the room. There was very little in it. A small bookcase not quite full; a desk with piles of parchments upon it; assignments of his students that he had to mark. There was very little to indicate the rooms belonged to him; no pictures or decor of any kind.

"Do you have any classes tomorrow?"

Severus nodded; "I do; I teach classes every morning, as well as Tuesday afternoons. Other than that, I am usually at the Foundation."

"Busy," Lily said with a raised eyebrow.

"Dumbledore and Regulus are very accommodating with my schedule; though a lot of the professors here were not keen to have their own class timetables swapped around at first, in order to accommodate having potions taught only in the mornings."

"But Dumbledore was determined to have you?" Lily asked with a smile.

Severus nodded; once again he was reminded that she had no idea the reasons behind his 'decision' to go into teaching.

"How are you finding having Malachi?" Lily asked, glancing in the direction of his bedroom.

"It was of no particular inconvenience," Severus stated, before adding; "Until today, of course."

"Is Regulus Black away on business?"

Severus paused, glancing at the roof with a frown; "Yes...some...something like that." What was Dumbledore doing _here? _Had he sent Regulus off on this dangerous mission alone?

The thought angered him.

"You said he's been struggling with looking after Malachi," Lily went on, oblivious to his darkening thoughts; "That must be difficult for you; I imagine you've had to take on some parental duties of your own."

Severus glanced at her, tilting his head with a slight smirk; "Believe me, that is not the case. I have made it very clear to Regulus that all parental duties for the boy fall upon him, including discipline. Unfortunately, I will have to step in in this case."

She smiled slightly; "Will you be attending the fundraiser this weekend?"

Severus almost groaned at the reminder of the Phoenix Centre's Valentine's Day Play; "Unfortunately I have no choice."

Lily giggled; "Well, it'll be nice to be there to cheer on your godson, don't you think?" she teased.

"I assure you, there will be no 'cheering'," he looked at her out the corner of his eyes, seeing her wide smile, and he was pleased to see how quickly she had gone from being the concerned, worrying mother from earlier to the woman he recognised.

"It'll get easier," Lily stated, looking down at the liquid in her cup.

Severus turned his head to look at her; "What will?"

"Parenting," she elaborated, looking at him; "I mean, I'm obviously still waiting on that," she chuckled as she said it, but he could tell she didn't find it all that amusing; "But I've heard, and I've seen, that it gets easier. Regulus just needs some time."

Severus held her look, before giving a slow nod. He glanced in the direction of the fire, as Lily leaned back on the couch, relaxing a bit more fully.

"Unfortunately, there are other issues which make parenting a little more difficult."

He felt the couch move, indicating that Lily had looked at him at that. But she didn't question what he meant; and he realised she wasn't sure if she could. He drew in a breath and also leaned back, though he didn't look at her.

"I'm sure you know about Regulus' past."

He risked a glance at her. She held his look for a moment before she nodded; "Yes. The trial was reported on quite extensively."

"Yes."

"Dumbledore vouched for him; he said he had defected well in advance of the end of the war."

Severus nodded, looking down, "Yes. That is true. However, as you are probably aware, some did not take kindly to him being exonerated. It was such a person who killed Malachi's mother."

Lily nodded, looking sympathetic; "That's awful, Severus."

Severus glanced at her; "What these people don't realise is that such acts are not necessary. Regulus punishes himself enough by himself for what he did."

Lily never responded; he glanced at her, noticing her looking thoughtful as she fiddled with the sleeve of her top.

"Guilt is with him every day; remorse, regret. So much he can barely live with himself. Of course he conceals it; Regulus always conceals his deepest feelings from others. He is always so keen to please; and always keen to keep up appearances at the detriment of himself."

Lily glanced at him with so much compassion that it made him hate himself, and the truth he was going to have to confess to her; "It seems like you know him really well. He's lucky to have you; if others refuse to see what he's going through."

Severus paused; "Well...very few have experienced what he has," he stated, looking back in front of him, at the fireplace; "Defectors were often dealt with swiftly; few survived. And any Death Eaters that escaped Azkaban...most are just grateful to not have had to serve their time, while some may not feel that what they did was wrong," Severus glanced down, going on; "Therefore it is difficult for people to understand what he is going through; how he feels regarding what happened during the war."

A silence fell over them. It was heavy. A tense, long silence.

After a moment, he felt the motion of her turning her head to look at him; "Do you?"

Severus swallowed. This was it. He could tell her now; if he didn't, he never would.

He forced himself to turn his head to look at her; the sight of those green eyes gazing into his took any words he had been ready to say from him and he could only stare back.

She drew in a breath, before she repeated her question; "Do you understand what he's going through?"

Severus held her look a moment longer, before he moved his head in a slight nod; "Yes."

Lily held his look for a moment; and in that moment he saw a number of emotions pass over her expression; sadness, disgust, disappointment, regret.

And then she looked away. The two of them stayed very still for another moment. Both of them seeming at a loss as to what to say.

Finally, she drew in a trembling breath, lifted her mug to her lips and drained the liquid that was left. She stood, walked by him, placed the mug in the sink and then walked towards the door of his bedroom. He remained seated, watching her as she moved around the room; no words coming to him. Any explanations or excuses he may have offered had died at the look she had given him.

She walked into the bedroom. Heard her voice soft; heard the ensuing murmuring of voices. And then Lily was coming out of the room, her arm around her son. She walked up to the couch as he stood, not meeting his eyes as she lifted her cloak and winter warms from the arm rest, quickly pulling them on.

Severus glanced in the direction of the little boy still standing at the bedroom door. Her son was leaning again the door pane, still looking half asleep; but he was peering at Severus with keen interest.

He looked back at Lily, as she pulled her second glove on.

He took a quick step towards her, a sudden desperation washing over him; "Lily."

She met his eyes immediately; and he was silenced by the look she gave him. The brightness was gone; she looked disappointed, and sad, and tired; as if his confession had sucked away all her energy and happiness.

But she spoke and he was grateful just to hear her voice, wondering if it was the last time he would; "Goodnight, Severus."

And then she turned, held out an arm to her son, and the boy went to her eagerly, though he still kept his eyes on the stranger before him. Lily wrapped a protective arm around him and pulled open the door to the room and left without another word or glance.

Severus kept his eyes on the door for a while after she left; his heart heavy; his stomach twisting sickeningly, as he replayed what had just happened over and over in his mind. Her silence, her disappointment; it was almost worse than what he had expected.

He had expected accusations, raised voices, perhaps even tears.

He had not expected what she had given him. And why had the silence felt so much worse? Why had the looks she had given him cut so deeply?

And then he realised there was an expression he hadn't seen when he had told her. And it was that which was affecting him more than any argument or accusation from her ever could.

When he had revealed he was once a Death Eater; she hadn't looked the slightest bit surprised.

XXX

Severus was in a foul mood the following day; and it didn't help that Malachi had awoken with a cough and a fever the following morning. The last thing he needed right now was to play nursemaid to a child; his bedside manner, questionable at all times, was particularly lacking that morning.

"Drink this," Severus thrust the phial of potion at the boy, who was lying weakly in his bed, back in his own room at their home in Newton's.

Malachi took it, eying the phial suspiciously, but seemed to sense his Godfather's mood and cautiously put it to his lips, taking a drink from it. He began coughing immediately, dropping the phial to the floor with a smash.

"Be careful, boy!" Severus snapped.

Malachi looked at him tearfully, as he quickly gasped in some air as his coughing subsided; "I...I'm sorry. It..." he began coughing again, but continued to try and force the words out; "It...wa...was...a...acci..."

"Shh," Severus shushed him, placing a gentle hand on the boy's shoulder and holding a glass of water to him; "An accident, I understand."

Malachi took the glass and quickly gulped down the soothing liquid; before he took some deep breaths in an attempt to regain control of his breathing.

Severus pressed a hand to the boy's forehead; "Your fever is subsiding. It will not be long until the potions begin to take effect."

Malachi pulled his covers up higher, watching Severus curiously as he gathered up the supplies; "Severus?" he said, his voice raspy.

Severus looked at him.

"I'm..." he coughed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean t...to make you mad yesterday."

Severus glowered, reminded of the previous day's escapades; "What you did was incredibly foolish, Malachi. Such things are not tolerated within this household; we shall discuss your punishment once you recover."

Malachi coughed again; "Is...is me being sick not enough punishment?"

Severus looked sharply at the boy, finding himself amused at boy's unusual audacity. He smirked; "Nice try."

Malachi's eyes flicked over his a moment, as if he wasn't quite sure if his godfather was truly amused, before he smiled and shrugged, before he coughed again.

Severus shook his head, pressing his hand back against the boy's forehead; "Your fever is almost gone. I shall give you another potion for your cough."

"They taste so horrible," Malachi stated and Severus glanced back at him, the comment a further indication that the boy was beginning to feel more comfortable expressing himself to him.

"I apologise. It is not safe to add any other ingredients to make them more appealing," Severus stated. At Malachi's dejected look, he summoned a jar of honey from the kitchen; "I suppose you can drink the potion and then have a small teaspoon of honey afterwards to ward off the after taste."

Malachi's eyes brightened at the suggestion and he nodded; "Okay."

Severus raised an eyebrow, though couldn't help a slight smile, despite his foul mood, at the boy's keen response. He uncorked the phial and handed it to the boy. Malachi drank it quickly, with a theatrical look of distaste, and then eagerly pounced towards the spoon of honey that Severus held towards his lips.

"Well well, what have we here?"

Severus turned to find Regulus strolling into the room. He looked both filthy and tired; but he had a wide smile on his face as he greeted them. It quickly fell away when he caught sight of Malachi; a look of concern replacing it; "What's up?"

"I'm sick," Malachi stated, before coughing again, though a little less violently than before.

Regulus pressed a hand to his forehead, looking at Severus with concern; "How long has he been ill?"

"He woke up like this," Severus stated, his tone clipped. It may not have been right for him to take out his irritation on a sick child; but Regulus was deserving of at least half the blame for his current mood; "He decided to traipse 100 miles across Britain yesterday in search of your imbecilic brother."

Regulus looked sharply at his son; "Wha...is this true?"

Malachi sunk deeper beneath the covers, looking guilty.

"Malachi...why?" Regulus shook his head; "You don't even know Sirius." He sat down on the bed next to him.

"Harry wanted to find him," Malachi said, weakly, by means of explanation.

"Ah yes," Severus piped in, "He was accompanied by Harry Potter. It took myself and his mother almost six hours to locate them."

"Where did you find them?" Regulus asked him, brushing the hair back from his son's forehead affectionately.

"Hogwarts."

"Hogwarts?" Regulus turned to look at Severus sharply, before he looked back at his son, addressing him; "How did you get all the way to Hogwarts?"

Malachi shrugged; "A bus." He coughed again; this time much more improved than before.

"A bus? There are no buses that go to Hogwarts," Regulus stated, looking at him closely; "Tell me the truth, Malachi. Did someone take you?"

Malachi frowned, looking confused, and shook his head; "No. We did get the bus. And then we walked. And then we got the train. And then we walked. And then some big giant man found us."

Regulus glanced at Severus; Severus nodded; "Hagrid. They were in the Forbidden Forest."

"The For...Malachi!" Regulus burst out, turning his full attention back to his son; "Do you realise how _dangerous _this was?"

He was repeating the same words Severus had already given the boy an earful of earlier; but he supposed a repeat of it would ensure the boy were to never forget it.

"You could have been killed!" Regulus went on; his words were far more frantic and insistent than his had been, a little less thought out; "There are so many animals in there; dangerous animals! Monsters! Werewolves! It's the full moon tonight! The Forbidden Forest, fuck!"

Malachi jerked his head back in shock at his father's swearing.

"Sorry," Regulus waved a hand in apology for his slip, before his tone hardened; "Malachi; you are grounded!"

"I'm sick."

"Yes! Yes; but when you get better you're grounded! And you'll be helping the house elves clean the pots and pans all afternoon. And...and...you'll be cleaning the floors and cutting the grass...and...no! No; you won't be cutting the grass. You don't get to go outside, not at all!"

"What about school?"

"Quiet! And you'll..." Regulus was glancing around the room, as if trying to find an object that would inspire further punishment. His eyes rested on Severus; "And you will help Severus clean up his cauldrons –"

"My cauldrons are clean," Severus interrupted, not at all keen to spend more time with the boy. Right now he wanted to go to his room and lock the door; not see anyone again for another month or so. Today had been the first time he had ever taken a personal day from work; Malachi's illness had actually come at an incredibly convenient time.

Severus gathered his things and left the room, as Regulus continued to rant at his son.

XXX

Lily sat at the kitchen table, staring at the full coffee cup in front of her, Severus' revelation weighing heavily on her mind as Harry clattered around behind her, doing their lunch dishes.

She hadn't been able to face him; hadn't known how to react to what he had said. She needed time to think about it; to comprehend what he had told her.

She had always suspected as much, that he had joined Voldemort; after all, she knew about Regulus. And, even at Hogwarts, she had expected that he would join them. That those he had spent his time with would draw him into it.

But to actually have the suspicion confirmed; to hear it from his own lips. It was almost too much. She felt almost betrayed. But what right did she have to feel betrayed? Their friendship had been severed prior to it; it was not a personal attack on her.

Just her kind, her mind seethed.

She swallowed, closing her eyes; how many muggleborns had he killed? How many Order members had he fought against? Her eyes shot open; had he ever fought her? The Death Eaters had worn masks; she would never have known.

She rubbed her eyes with her thumb and forefinger, her stomach churning sickeningly as she thought on it.

She quickly attempted to reassure herself; he had defected. He had realised what he had done was wrong. Had come to fight for their side at some point. After all, Dumbledore would not have hired him to work at the school, otherwise.

She hesitated; did Dumbledore know?

She quickly shook away the thought; of course he knew. The defectors were used as spies, Lily remembered; and Regulus Black couldn't have been the only one who had given Dumbledore the information.

"I've finished the dishes," Harry stated, sulkily, standing in front of her.

"Very well. Time to mop the floor."

"Mum!" he groaned.

She shot him a stern glare and he sighed and stomped over to the cupboard where the mop and bucket was kept; "And any more of that attitude and you'll have an extra day of chores to do."

She could see Harry scowling, but he had the good sense to try to keep it concealed, as he dragged the items towards the kitchen sink.

Lily drew in a trembling breath, her mind drifting back to Severus once again.

Her mind was offering her excuses.

He had been honest when she had asked; that meant he must have changed. He wouldn't have confessed if he were still loyal to Voldemort. And the war had ended almost six years ago; that meant what he had done had ended six years ago at least. Most likely longer. Wasn't that a long enough time for the slate to be wiped clean? For it to be understood that he had made a mistake; that he was trying to make up for it.

She realised, suddenly, that this was most likely the reason behind he and Regulus Black creating the Foundation. An attempt to repent for what they had done.

She remembered what Severus had told her about Regulus the previous night; how he could barely live with himself; how the guilt and regret overwhelmed him. Did Severus feel the same? She was sure he must have; he spoke with such compassion, such understanding that she was certain the sentiments were shared.

There were so many questions. So many things his revelation had left her wondering.

But after the answer to the last question she had asked him, she was left wondering if she really wanted the answers.

She was left wondering whether or not she really wanted to know.

XXX

**Author's Note: **Well, there it was, the big reveal :D. I actually intended to include more in this chapter but, like the last one, everything ended up being much longer than I anticipated. Thanks everyone for the reviews and alerts added since the last chapter. It's been my days off yesterday and today, so have hurried to get these chapters out before work resumes tomorrow. Hope you all enjoyed them!

**Chapter Twenty Nine Preview: **The Foundation's Annual Valentine's Day fundraiser leads to Harry learning more about his mother's secret friend, while Lily finds out more about Severus' role during the war.

**Jayc:** No worries, we all have lazy days :D I'm just glad you're still reading. As you see, it didn't take long for you to get the answer to your question; we'll see a bit more of her reaction in the next chapter. And yes, glad you picked up on Malachi and Harry's admiration of Dumbledore :). Thanks for reviewing!


	30. February 1987: Pardon My Past

Chapter Twenty Nine

"Mum?"

Lily looked over her shoulder at her son, who stood tentatively at the door to her bedroom. She frowned at his reddened eyes, a tell tale sign of recent tears, and the anxious expression he was wielding. She lowered her hairbrush onto the vanity table, turning more fully in her seat to face him;

"Harry? Are you okay?"

Harry's lower lip trembled, as he remained standing by the door. With a tiny gasp, he blurted out; "Is Uncle Sirius dead?"

Lily felt her stomach lurch at the question; the unspoken question she had been too afraid to consider as Sirius' absence had stretched out. She swallowed away her own fears and held a hand out to her son. Harry hurried into the room, grasping her hand, keeping teary, questioning eyes on hers.

She drew him into a hug; "No, Sweetheart. Uncle Sirius isn't..." she hesitated, finding it almost impossible to get the word out; "He'll be back soon."

"Really?" Harry pulled back to look at her; but when he did she saw only doubt and suspicion, no trace of hope or belief that he would.

Lily brushed the hair back from his forehead; "Your Uncle Sirius wouldn't stay away unless there was a really good reason."

"Or because he can't come home. Maybe he's hurt."

She shook her head, attempting to reassure him; "If he was hurt someone would have told us. He would have been taken to hospital."

Harry sniffed, wiping at his eyes; "He's not gonna see me in the play tonight. He's never missed my school things before."

"I know," she murmured, rubbing his arm; "He'll be very sad when he finds out he missed it."

"He doesn't even know I've changed schools," Harry said, whimpering; "I miss him."

"I know you do," Lily pressed a kiss to his head; "I'm sure he misses you too."

Harry shuffled his feet, looking down at the ground; "Maybe I shouldn't do the play."

Lily tilted her head to the side; "You don't have to if you don't want to. But there's loads of other people who would like to see you tonight. I'm going and your Uncle Remus will be there."

Harry's eyes brightened slightly; "But...I thought you said Uncle Remus was sick?"

Lily nodded; "Yes. He wasn't feeling very well last night but he's a bit better now and he wants to come and see you."

Harry seemed to think on the new information for a moment before he drew in a breath, looking thoughtful; "Well, if you and Uncle Remus are watching...it won't be so bad that Uncle Sirius isn't there."

Lily smiled at his reasoning; "Well then, you have better get ready."

He didn't move; instead he looked at her attentively for a moment; "Is your friend gonna be there?"

She frowned at the question; "My friend? Julia?"

Harry shook his head; "No. The man; Malachi's godfather."

Lily started at Harry's mention of Severus and found herself uneasy as she was once again reminded of Severus' revelation to her, as well as the new information that Harry had somehow found out about their relationship and had done so in enough time to begin gathering information as to his identity.

"Um...yes," Lily nodded, deciding there was no point in lying to him. After all , he would probably recognise him if he were to see him; "But not with us. He works at the Foundation that your school is part of."

"I know," Harry nodded, sagely, "Malachi told me. His dad is in charge of your work and Severus is his friend."

Lily could only gape at him, astounded at the information he had managed to acquire; "Harry...how...who told you about Severus?"

Harry shrugged; "Malachi."

"But..." she cleared her throat, gathering her wits, "I mean, how did you learn that he and I are friends?"

"I saw you."

She frowned.

"At work," he elaborated, before he smiled widely; "You were smiling lots."

Lily cleared her throat, rubbing the palms of her hands on her legs, which were sweaty all of a sudden, and attempted to regain her composure; "Well...yes. Severus...Professor Snape, that is, to you, is an old friend of mine; he and I went to Hogwarts together."

"Ah," Harry nodded, with a look that was almost a mirror image of Sirius; "Dumbledore said he knew him too."

Lily frowned again, looking at the vanity in front of her, and reached for the hair brush again; "Sweetheart, if you have any questions about S...Professor Snape then you simply have to ask me. You don't need to go looking for answers from other people."

"Okay," Harry agreed with sudden eagerness, stepping into her vision with wide, excited eyes; "Is he nice?"

Lily glanced at him, briefly, finding herself disarmed by the fact that he had so keenly responded to her suggestion he stop asking others about Severus and took her statement as an invitation to begin questioning her. She cleared her throat; "Well...nice is not exactly how someone would describe him. But he is a kind man; when he wants to be."

"When he wants to be?" Harry repeated; "What do you mean? That he's only nice to people he likes?"

Not at all in the mood to start reflecting on Severus and his various characteristics, while his confession from a couple of nights ago was still weighing so heavily on her mind, she cast him a glance, stating; "Harry, there will be time for questions later. But, for now, you had better get ready or we're be late."

Harry paused with an expression that clearly demonstrated that he was considering whether or not to accept the postponement before he nodded and shrugged; "Okay. I'll go and get changed then."

He didn't wait for a response and ran from the room, leaving her with her thoughts regarding Severus, their friendship, the first Wizarding War and Death Eaters.

XXX

"I don't think my mum likes me asking questions about Professor Snape," Harry told Malachi, as they changed into their costumes behind the stage with a number of other boys who were in the same production; "She told me I could ask her about him, instead of other people, but then she sent me away."

Malachi pulled his t-shirt over his head; "You can ask my dad if you want."

Harry frowned; "But I don't know your dad."

"You didn't know Dumbledore and you still asked him. My dad and Severus are best friends; he knows lots about him."

Harry wasn't so sure; he didn't really know what he wanted to know about Professor Snape. There weren't really many questions; the only question he wanted the answer to was whether or not this man was someone his mum would want to marry. And, if he was, would he be a good dad?

It would be silly for him to try and encourage or make his mum think he actually _wanted _that to happen, if he turned out to be a horrible dad. And he still wasn't sure about the whole thing, after Malachi had suggested that Professor Snape might not like his Uncle Sirius, as his dad didn't, and that really wouldn't be a good thing.

Harry peeked out the side of the curtain that concealed them, out into the crowd of people that were beginning to gather and seat themselves in the podiums. He caught sight of his mum easily; she was talking with people he didn't recognise, with his Uncle Remus at her side, looking pale and still sick, great big bags under his eyes, but he was still smiling at the person who was talking to him, nodding politely.

Professor Snape wasn't with them.

Harry wondered if his Uncle Remus knew him; if he liked him or not.

"Do you like him?" Harry asked Malachi, realising he had never asked him that, though he assumed he did because he always spoke of him like they were friends.

Malachi nodded, confirming his thoughts; "Uh huh. But he can be scary sometimes."

"Scary?" Harry frowned. That didn't sound good; "What do you mean? Why is he scary?"

Malachi shrugged; "Well, only if you do something really stupid. I don't think he likes stupid people; or when people do silly stuff. He was really angry when he found us."

Harry scowled, remembering his mum's reaction; "My mum made me do chores all day yesterday. She kept me off school and everything."

Malachi nodded; "Me too. But I was sick."

Harry looked over him appraisingly; "You don't look sick."

"Severus gave me some potions; they made me better really quickly," Malachi explained, before going on; "My dad came home and he's got a big list of things I had to do today and tomorrow."

"Cleaning?"

"Yep," Malachi nodded; "Cleaning _everything. _House elf work. But Ayra helps me when they're not looking; she's nice."

"Is everyone ready?" Miss Douglas' voice came from behind the other curtain. There were muttered responses of 'yes' from the boys before she stepped around it and smiled brightly; "Aww, don't you all look adorable."

Harry glanced over at Malachi doubtfully, neither of them impressed with the love heart costumes they had been dressed in.

Miss Douglas clapped her hands together; "Alright everyone, places!"

XXX

The children were dancing and singing on the stage; her son was among them, frequently glancing in her direction as he pranced around the stage, and she forced herself to focus and smile reassuringly whenever he did so. It was more difficult than it ought to be, staying focused; and the blame was placed entirely on the fact that Severus was sitting two rows ahead, just far enough to her left for her to see his face, as he watched the performance.

His interest seemed genuine but broken up, as he often glanced down, to the side; would occasionally lean to his left and mutter something in Regulus Black's ear which would make the other either laugh or look at him with such over-the-top disapproval that he was obviously amused by whatever he had said.

The children concluded their song and the stage cleared; Regulus leaned over, saying something close to Severus ear. Severus smiled for a second, as the other man continued speaking, before breaking into outright laughter as the other man did the same and she was struck by how close the two of them were. She remembered what Severus had said about the other man the night he had confessed; that Regulus could barely live with himself, knowing what he had done, and been, during the war.

She watched as Regulus Black smiled brightly, waving in the direction of the stage, where his son was peeking through the curtain. Watched as someone next to him said something to him, making him smile brightly; talk animatedly, his conduct full of ease and friendliness. Severus was right; he did conceal his remorse well. No one would think, just from looking at the man, that he was suffering any guilt for what he had done. He appeared carefree, relaxed and happy.

Even Severus looked content, as they sat speaking among those who surrounded them, with ease and familiarity. Looking at him now, it was almost mindboggling to imagine that he had once been a Death Eater; would the people who they worked with now even believe such an accusation, if someone were to make it? Had she not known him at Hogwarts, if she had only known him since she had started at the Foundation, since their friendship had been renewed, she would never have guessed, never have believed such a thing could be true.

While the typical cynicism, the snarky comments were still there, he was no longer the insecure, reclusive boy he had been when she had known him before. He had an openness about him now, not entirely welcoming but approachable to an extent, that he had never had before. He spoke easily with anyone who approached; he was respected and admired, even by those who didn't know his personally, and it was easy to see that he was content and self-assured, appearing to be respectful of others opinions but not necessarily needing their approval. And someone who devoted almost every spare minute of his time to serve the people who had been affected by the war; going so far that he would be willing to sit and watch children dance around on a stage in costumes while signing out of tune children's songs.

Definitely not someone who would be considered a likely candidate for a Death Eater.

It was almost astounding how much he had changed since she had known him.

At that moment Severus, mid-laugh, turned his head in her direction and caught her eye. She froze, finding herself unable to look away, as he too stilled, his smile and amusing fading somewhat, keeping his eyes on hers. After a few seconds, he nodded in her direction. She hesitated; then raised her hand very slightly in acknowledgement. She saw a slight, relieved smile twitch at his lips as she looked away, back in the direction of the stage.

XXX

Remus chuckled as Harry ran to him, arms wide, and flung himself into his arms. He swung him upwards and balanced him on his hip; "You were brilliant, Harry."

"Thanks," he grinned, widely. The little boy's eyes scanned around them expectantly; "Where's Mum?"

"She went to collect some notes on what she missed yesterday," Remus told him, his already weak muscles were beginning to strain so he set him back down on the floor with a dramatic groan; "Goodness, you're getting heavy. What've they been feeding you at this place?"

"Lots of stuff!" Harry announced with a wide grin; "Spaghetti; chicken; chilli; they give us desert every day too!"

"Wow," Remus widened his eyes and nodded to show his approval; "Sounds like you're doing well here."

"I miss you and Uncle Sirius though," Harry told him, his shoulders slumping slightly; "I don't see you very much anymore."

Remus felt a pang of guilt at the accusation, as he was reminded of the lack of time he had been spending with the boy over the past few months. Following the embarrassing incident with Lily, he had found himself distancing himself from her and Harry somewhat, despite the fact that they had smoothed things over without much fuss.

He put his arm around him, grasping his shoulder as they made their way down the corridor; "I'm sorry about that. I can come and get you more after classes; what do you say?"

Harry nodded, smiling up at him brightly, reminding Remus there _were_ happier moments in his life worth living for; "Okay. Can we go ice skating again?"

"We can do whatever you want to do," Remus promised, squeezing his shoulder, eliciting a wider smile from the boy.

"Uncle Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you know Severus Snape?"

Remus glanced down at him with a frown; "Snape? Uh...yeah. Yes; I knew him a long time ago. He was at Hogwarts at the same time as me and your mum."

Harry nodded; "Yeah." He looked up at him, his eyes full of curiosity; "Do you like him?"

Remus paused in his footsteps, leading Harry to do the same. He looked down at Harry confused but not entirely baffled at the question; a little voice in the back of his mind reminded him of his role in the Foundation, of finding Lily with him a few months ago at one of the functions. And he hadn't missed the glance the two of them had shared across the room, only twenty minutes ago or so.

Remus glanced around the corridor, which was now almost empty, and then drew Harry over to one of the benches, taking a seat. Harry clambered up to sit down next to him.

"Why do you ask?"

Harry frowned; "Why aren't you answering?"

Remus smiled slightly at his retort, "Well...Severus Snape and I knew one another at school but we were not friends. We were in different Houses. That was a long time ago though; I haven't seen him in years."

Harry eyed him for a moment, not seeming satisfied with the response, before he went on to declare; "Mum's friends with him."

Remus hesitated, careful of what he was saying; "Your mum was friends with him at school."

"Is he nice?"

Remus almost laughed; but he supposed Lily may see a different side to him. In fact, he was quite certain of it. After all, Remus had never been in a position to ever see the nice side of Severus Snape; and, after he'd almost eaten him in monster form, he was certain the chances of him ever seeing it were slim to none.

Nonetheless, it wasn't his place to taint the boy's view of him; "That's something you'll have to decide on your own."

Harry frowned; "Huh?"

"Harry," Remus paused. It wasn't his place to ask; but he couldn't help wondering. And he couldn't help but feel slightly concerned; "Your mum and Professor Snape...do they spend a lot of time together?"

Harry shrugged immediately; "I dunno. I only saw them once. Well...two times."

Remus faltered, tilting his head at Harry; "Did...have they ever appeared...close?"

"Close?"

"Do they appear to...enjoy each other's company?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded with certainty; "Mum looked really happy when I saw her with him."

"I see."

"Did Uncle Sirius know him? Malachi told me his dad and Uncle Sirius don't like each other," Harry went on, enquiringly; "Do him and Professor Snape not like each other either?"

"I don't know," Remus lied, adding before he had the chance to fully comprehend what he was saying; "You'd have to ask your Uncle Sirius." He closed his eyes at the foolish suggestion and found himself glad that Sirius was still missing; he hoped Harry would have forgotten, or got the answer to the question by some other means, before the other man returned.

"So...you don't like him?" Harry eyed him, carefully.

"It's not that I don't like him, Harry. I just don't know him well enough to have a proper opinion on him, that's all," Remus explained; though he found himself uneasy and concerned that Lily's relationship was close enough with him that Harry was beginning to ask questions. While there was no actual proof, he had agreed with Sirius inwardly when he had stated that Severus Snape had been a Death Eater. Even if he hadn't been, he had been sympathetic towards those who were when they were at Hogwarts; and his friendship with Regulus Black went way back to during the war, when the other man _had _been one.

Reminding himself it was none of his business and that, most likely, he wouldn't have to make any protest anyway once Sirius found out what was going on; he forced the issue to the back of his mind, deciding to take whatever happened as it came.

XXX

Severus peered into the almost empty room that was occupied only by Lily, who was flicking through some parchments at the front desk. He had noticed her head that way following the Phoenix's production and, without really thinking through what he was doing or what he would say, he had excused himself from his company and followed, intending to speak with her once again. If the look she had given him during the play was anything to go by, he guessed that she would be open to communication.

However, once he had finally reached the room and found himself with the opportunity to address her, he had frozen, his mind completely wiped of what he ought to say or how he ought to approach her. Her reaction when he had confessed his past to her had not been forth coming; had revealed very little about the way she would react if she were pushed to talk about it.

But her silence had been torture and he hadn't stopped going over it in his mind since it had happened; the silence and the looks she had given him. It hadn't been clear how things stood between them following it; was this a simply bump, one they would be able to recover from with time? Or was that the end of their friendship and she hadn't felt the need to explain that, the crime was so bad?

He had thought, be terrified, that it was the latter; that he had lost her. But the way she had looked at him that night, less than an hour before now; that had not been a look of contempt, of hopelessness. There was a chance; and there may only be a small window for him to make his excuses; his explanations.

And yet he had none. His entire friendship with her rested on him being able to explain, to make her understand; and he could muster up no reason, no justification for what he had done. And so he stood there, frozen, and could only watch her, his hopes fading away to wherever his logical thought had decided to vacate to.

He had had his eyes on her for some time before she sensed she was being watched; and when she did, she glanced in his direction, doing a double take when she realised that it was him. Her hands, which had still been gathering up the parchments, froze and she held his look for a second.

After a moment, she lowered her hands, still clutching the documents; "Severus."

Her voice was strangely neutral; revealing neither happiness nor displeasure at seeing him. He swallowed, nervously, before he stepped into the room; "Lily." And that was all that was said, as they continued to look at one another.

After some time she drew in a breath, averting her eyes; and it was that indication that the window was quickly closing that spurred him into actions. He pushed the door closed, and stepped towards her, and he realised that the window had well and truly slammed shut by the look of alarm on Lily's face at his actions.

"Sever-"

He held up a hand; "Please. Just...just...Let me explain."

Lily looked hesitantly at him for a moment, not saying anything.

"I...I know what I did was wrong."

Lily glanced away, then back at him, as if that were obvious. And it _was _obvious and he felt his nervousness increasing.

"I...if I could do it again...if I had another chance; you have to know that I would never have chosen the same path."

"Severus," she sighed, shaking her head; "I...look I know, okay? I do."

Severus felt that tiny flame of hope spark again.

"I...I just need some time," she said, quietly, her tone almost entreating.

Severus looked more closely at her, surprised by the pleading in her voice and, he realised, as he did so that her eyes were regretful and sad; but there was a small ray of hope in them as well. And he realised at that moment that she _wanted _to forgive him; that she didn't want this relationship to end either. And he felt his heart leap at the thought; that there was still a chance to save them.

But the satisfaction, the delight he felt was fleeting; because he realised that, while she may forgive him for what he had done, there was still so much she didn't know. Things that she _had_ to know. Because he couldn't let her go away, give her time to reflect on the simple fact that he had been a Death Eater, only to learn later on his role in the prophecy. An act committed which had directly affected her.

When he came back to his senses he realised she was gathering her things, preparing to leave. He reach out a hand to touch her, partly to stop her, partly because he was worried he'd never have the chance to do so again. She stopped in her movements, not flinching or pulling away at his touch, so he let his hand stay on her hand as he spoke;

"Lily...there is something else. Something else you need to know."

Lily looked at him with an expression so anxious and full of dread that he hated himself for putting her through it; for even making her worry for a second over what he was about to tell her.

She swallowed, her eyes flickering over his face apprehensively.

He took a deep breath, then went on; "It regards the prophecy."

He was met with a blank expression; her complete lack of reaction surprising him. He forced himself to go on, not allowing himself to be distracted from it, now that he had began to speak the truth; "Lily...it was me. I was the Death Eater who revealed the prophecy to the Dark Lord."

Lily was staring at him with a look of complete bewilderment; not at all seeming to comprehend the information he had just revealed to her. He frowned. And she did too;

"Prophecy?"

And suddenly Severus felt his stomach drop; felt the ground fall away beneath his feet as he realised, with absolute horror and astonishment that she had no idea what he was talking about; that she had never learned about the prophecy. The hand that was on her arm dropped to his side.

And, just as suddenly, he hated Dumbledore for not telling him. And then, he was just baffled; because how on Earth had the old man managed to convince the Potters and the Longbottoms to go into hiding for over a year without revealing the reason?

"How could you not know?" Severus voiced his thoughts, quietly, earning a further puzzled frown from the woman before him.

She straightened, a mixture of interest and concern; "What don't I know, Severus?"

His shirt collar felt too tight and he became abruptly aware of the heat within the room. He reached up tugging it; wishing the ground would swallow him up, wishing someone would burst into the room and interrupt them. While only minutes ago he had been willing to accept full responsibility for delivering the prophecy; to actually have to reveal the contents of it to her, the mother of the child in question...

"Severus?" she sounded impatient now, raised an eyebrow; "What prophecy?"

He drew in a breath; "I..." he cleared his throat; "It...it was revealed in February, before your son was born..."

Lily's reaction was immediate; she started at the mention of her son but kept quietly, listening intently.

"This...this prophecy...it stated there was a child to be born; and that this child would have the power to defeat the Dark Lord."

Lily appeared to be frozen for a moment, before she raised her chin, almost defiantly, as if waiting for him to elaborate. But he knew she had already figured it out; and that she knew he knew that. But he went on anyway;

"The child was to be born at the end of July. For a while, your son was considered to be a likely candidate."

Lily's jaw set; "Are...are you telling me that he was after my son?"

Severus quickly shook his head; "No...I mean, yes...that is what we thought, but –"

"But? There's a _but_?" her tone was cold, clipped and icily furious.

"He just wanted us to think that," Severus explained, quickly; "He is not after your son. He chose another."

"What do you mean he _chose _another?" she asked, snappily; "We were in hiding for over a year. The whole time he was after my son?"

"The Dark Lord learned there was a spy; he gave false information regarding who he was truly targeting. He was after Neville Longbottom," Severus stated, making Lily start, as though she hadn't quite yet followed the information through to its conclusion and her expression was clouded with sadness and realisation for a moment, as she remembered her old friends who had died the night the war ended.

She drew in a deep breath, trembling slightly as she did so; "Why did he not decide to come after them both? If this...this _prophecy _is true; he cannot just decide himself who it refers to."

"Apparently he can," Severus explained; "I do not understand why. I do not know the whole of the prophecy; only Dumbledore knows. It is he who has stated who it refers to. Although...the Dark Lord learned your location the night of the Longbottoms' deaths." The implication was there; the Dark Lord _had _intended to go after them both. Neville Longbottom was simply considered the more important of the two.

Lily expression hardened at Dumbledore's name being mentioned. She went quiet and turned away from him with a shake of the head, as she attempted to make sense of what he had just told her. She raised her hands to her face, her breathing shaky as a silence fell over them.

He stepped towards her; "Lily, Dumbledore is certain it does not concern your son; as is the Dark Lord. Your son...he is not in danger."

She glanced at him with a frown; "Voldemort is dead." He flinched at the name, looking away, and she frowned; "Isn't he?"

He forced himself to look back at her and nodded. It wasn't really a lie, after all.

"How can Dumbledore be sure of all this?" Lily asked, uncertainly; "How did he know...why did he think he was targeting us?"

Severus swallowed; "Because I told him."

Her eyes flew to his. He held her look; watched as realisation dawned over her. As she realised the reason he had turned to Dumbledore; the reason he had become the old man's spy.

"Oh," she whispered. And then she lowered her eyes.

After a tense moment, when he was left wondering what this new confession would mean to them, if there was still a chance she could forgive him, she took a step back, looking troubled. He frowned, reaching to touch her arm again. As he did so she directed a questioning, distressed glance at him;

"You all knew? All...the Death Eaters?"

Severus frowned at the direction she was taking. He nodded slightly; "Yes."

"That he was after Harry? That he was after my son, you _all _knew?" she repeated, wanting further elaboration.

"Yes," he affirmed; "We were given...permission to dispose of yourself and your husband..." he hesitated, but she did not appear desirous of protesting, so he went on; "should we come across you. But the child...he was to be left for the Dark Lord."

Lily looked both horrified and disgusted by the information, pushing on, her voice quiet, tentative; "So...Peter knew?"

Severus blinked.

"Peter...he...he _knew _they were after Harry? He...he gave us up...he..." she stopped, her breathing even shakier than before, as she shook her head, whispering; "Oh my God."

Severus had no idea what to say to offer any sort of reassurance; no doubt Pettigrew _had _known that Harry was the target. Regardless if he knew or not, the very fact that he had revealed the Potters location, that he put Lily in danger, meant he had no wish whatsoever to defend the man against Lily's fury.

She pushed past him; "I have to go."

And, before he could react, she had left, leaving him standing there just as baffled by her reaction to the news as he had been the evening he had revealed his role as a Death Eater.

XXX

**Author's Note: **Goodness, I thought I'd never get this chapter out! In a hurry to get to my niece's birthday party, so apologies for any silly errors you can come across. And just quickly saying a big thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I was ecstatic by the number I received; it's so wonderful to come home from work to :D

**Kadajclone**: Thanks very much for your review! I quite liked that bit too, about Severus being upset she wasn't surprised. Though we all knew that she expected that of him, considering how things ended at Hogwarts :). Also glad you like how Regulus and Severus aren't just getting away scot free; both of them have guilt and consequences to deal with. Lucius, on the other hand, has managed to escape pretty much unscathed. I had intended for the Malfoys to be more involved; but the storylines of all the other characters haven't left any room for them. So, for now at least, we can assume the Malfoys are pretty happy :).

**Jayc: **I hope you liked the little snippets Harry's learned so far; unfortunately for him, he probably won't get the answers he's looking for until he meets him himself ;). Sorry there's no time for me to work out the preview for next chapter but will try not to keep you waiting too long for it :). Thanks very much for reviewing!

**Allie: **Thanks! The job's great but there's tons of overtime right now, hence the slightly longer break this time. Really glad you liked the subtly of Sev's confession last chapter. Thanks for reviewing and I hope you enjoyed the new instalment :)


	31. March 1987: Forgiveness and Stuff

Chapter Thirty

March.

The commencement of Spring.

A time of new beginnings. A symbol of renewal of life and hope for the future.

Severus was not feeling so hopeful, particularly when it came to questions regarding the future. The Dark Mark was almost completely visible now, which could only mean that the Dark Lord's return was imminent and he found himself having dreams in the night of it burning for the first time and of facing him with his excuses and explanations for denying his allegiance; for working with Dumbledore; for assisting with the development of a Foundation created to repair the damage the man had caused.

Dark times indeed; at least they would be soon. And the people who surrounded him; the people he saw every day, they had no idea.

They would complain about the most frivolous issues; forty five hour working weeks; not being granted release to attend a party; a rude comment by someone in the Counselling Department; fish and chips for lunch on a Wednesday when the schedule states it ought to be roast beef.

Severus was scowling as he slammed the door to his office open and strode inside, closing it immediately behind himself to make it apparent that he was not desirous of visitors.

He dumped down the books and parchments he was holding onto his desk; Project Orion would conclude within the next week or two. And then Dumbledore would finally reveal his 'big plan', the big secret weapon he planned to use against the Dark Lord when he returned. All that was left to do was to convince old Augusta Longbottom to allow the two men access to her grandson's mind; apparently Dumbledore was having some trouble in that regard.

In less than two weeks, he would return to Project Dorado; he would be working with Lily again. He wasn't certain if that was a good thing or a bad thing, judging by the long, stony silence that had settled between them. Gone was the daily lunches in the Bistro; she had not come the first day, and he had been delayed at Hogwarts the next and, so, they had dwindled away without discussion and he had seen her only twice since he had revealed the details of the prophecy to her over three weeks ago; passing ships in the corridors.

The first time she hadn't appeared to see him; the second he caught her reflection in one of the side windows, looking at him searchingly, sadly. But when he had turned in her direction she glanced away, as if she had not noticed him.

Severus despised Dumbledore for not warning him; for not telling him something so crucial.

"Severus," the door to his office burst open and the only person who would be so bold as to enter without an invitation walked into the room, looking unimpressed.

"What is it?" Severus eyed Regulus warily.

Regulus pushed the door shut and made his way towards him; "Apparently I should be asking you the same question." He raised an eyebrow.

Severus glowered at him, turning his attention to the parchments in front of him.

"Sev?" Regulus' tone was softer now; sounding more concerned, making Severus closed his eyes, aware the other man would not be shaken once he had released something was truly wrong.

Regulus sat down in the chair opposite him and the two were silent; one waiting for the other to speak, the other praying that the other would just get up and leave.

After a few minutes, Regulus finally spoke up; "Does this have something to do with Mrs Potter?"

"What?" Severus snapped, turning irritated eyes on the man before him.

"Well, I've noticed the two of you haven't been spending much time together anymore," Regulus stated, with faux-nonchalance, before asking; "Did something happen?"

"It is none of your business, Regulus."

"It's my business when half my staff are terrified to leave their offices in case they come across you," Regulus countered; "You think people haven't noticed?"

"My behaviour has nothing to do with Lily Potter," Severus retorted, his tone clipped; "As you are aware, there are more important issues I have to be concerned with right now. Issues far more grave; the subject of which is hardly likely to evoke the buoyant, joyful Severus you are all so accustomed to."

Regulus fought a smirk at his response.

"Project Orion will be wrapped up by the end of next week," Severus stated, abruptly deciding that it would only take one week, not two, for him to conclude the research; "Testing shall commence under Eugene's supervision the following week."

"Fine; just get it over with. Dumbledore's been on my case about that for weeks," Regulus replied, dismissively; "But really, Severus; Malachi is concerned about you."

"Malachi?" Severus looked at him sharply; "What does the boy have to do with anything?"

Regulus shrugged; "Well, he lives with us. He's noticed your moods."

"Obviously all the time he has been spending with Remus Lupin has increased his sensitivity levels."

"And who was the one who gave first permission for him to spend time with him?" Regulus pointed out; "Perhaps the next time I leave him in your care I should include instructions stating I won't be pleased to find out my son has been associating with werewolves and gallivanting around the Forbidden Forest with centaurs, acromantulas and thestrals."

Severus glowered at him; "As if there will be a next time, Regulus," he retorted, scathingly.

"And apparently Harry Potter has been mentioning that his mother has also been quite out of sorts recently."

Severus was torn between encouraging Regulus to reveal more about Lily's current state of mind and denying any interest, any connection between the two changes in moods.

He glanced at Regulus, contemplating whether or not to share what had happened. He didn't know what it was about her; what it was that made him so protective of the relationship, of his feelings towards her; so secretive about what went on between them.

He had never had a problem with confiding in Regulus about things before; issues far more substantial than a relationship tiff – or severance, as the case may be.

And, after weeks of stewing silently over what had occurred, he found himself in need of 'an ear', so to speak, to vent his frustrations; "Lily is aware of what I was during the war."

Regulus was still; barely acknowledging the statement for a moment. After a few seconds he drew in a breath; "How did she find out?"

"I told her."

Regulus tilted his head to the side, looking at him curiously; "Why?"

Severus only stared back at him; they both knew very well why. Why he wanted her to know; why he needed her to know. And why he needed her to forgive him for it.

"So...she..." Regulus paused; "I guess she didn't take it well?"

"She took it better than I expected," Severus revealed; "I dare say she may have even forgiven me for it, if given the time."

"I'm sensing a 'but'."

Severus nodded; "I thought it only right she should know any actions that I undertook during the war that affected her directly."

Regulus looked hesitant and thoughtful, before realisation dawned over him; "You told her about the prophecy?"

"Yes. I told her about giving it to the Dark Lord," he stated; "And she had absolutely no idea what I was referring to."

Regulus frowned; "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Severus went on, sounding irritated, though it was irritation at Dumbledore and not the man before him that it was directed towards; "That Dumbledore never revealed the true reason the Dark Lord was hunting the Potters to them; she had no idea her son was in danger."

Regulus looked only mildly surprised at the revelation; mostly he just looked sympathetic; "Well, you know how Dumbledore can be. He only reveals what he thinks is necessary."

"The least he could have done would have been to warn me she was unaware of it," Severus responded, snappily; "There was no reason for me to reveal my role at all, had Dumbledore not revealed the prophecy to her."

"There was no reason for you to tell her in the first place, anyway," Regulus stated, sounding both baffled and amused; "Why did you? You must've known how she'd take it."

"Spare me your judgements, Regulus," Severus glared at him; "I thought honesty was the best course to take, considering..." he trailed off. Regulus regarded him with curiosity and amusement; and Severus felt himself grow flustered and hot under the collar.

Regulus still looked amused, but there was sympathy there also; "Look...obviously she wouldn't take it well," he stated; "But hiding away, stewing and cursing at the world, you really think that's going to help? You should talk to her."

"She asked for time."

"And you've given it, no doubt," Regulus countered, "Like I said, her son has noticed a change in her behaviour also. She cares about you."

"She is hurt; obviously she would react as such. That does not mean that she has any strong feelings towards me," Severus dismissed Regulus suggestion.

Regulus grinned; "Come on, Sev. You can't honestly think there aren't feelings there?"

"She still harbours feelings for Potter."

"Obviously; but that doesn't mean she isn't ready for something else," Regulus said, his tone coaxing, and Severus glanced at him; "I mean, it's pretty obvious you'd be more than willing to step into that role."

"Shut up, Regulus," Severus snapped, suddenly feeling defensive.

Regulus rolled his eyes; "Oh calm down, Prickles. It's just you and me here."

"Besides, it is not my relationship with Mrs Potter than is concerning me," Severus not quite lied; "The Dark Mark continues to grow darker; there is no mistaking it now."

Regulus' playful attitude appeared to be stripped away by the reminder, as he glanced down at his own arm, his hand unconsciously come up to touch the fabric that concealed the area of the Mark.

"Therefore it would be unwise for me to even consider such a venture."

"A venture?" Regulus repeated, before his eyes gleamed, his previous concern gone as quickly as it had come; "Severus, it's just a relationship."

Severus eyed him; he knew all about relationships. They certainly weren't to be considered as flippantly as Regulus appeared to be suggesting.

"Regardless," Severus responded, his tone making it clear the issue would be discussed no further; "Even if I were to be interested in such a thing; it is hardly a sentiment that is shared, considering the current state of affairs."

Regulus held his look for a moment before he raised an eyebrow; "I just don't think you'd be able to get over it."

"Get over what?" Severus frowned.

"Letting her walk away," Regulus elaborated, before he went on; "You didn't last time, after all."

And it was a statement that Severus could neither refute nor dismiss.

XXX

Lily had postponed the blind date Julia had scheduled for her twice.

Following the revelations regarding Severus and Peter and a prophecy that apparently could carry a death sentence for her son, she was in no mood to step back into the world of dating; her own world tremulous enough without adding to it with the chaos that often came with dating and potential relationships.

She already had enough trouble with the current men in her life; why add another into the mix?

However, after the second rescheduling of the event, Julia had interfered once again and insisted that she ought to take her mind off of the thoughts currently plaguing her. Particularly hateful, murderous thoughts regarding Peter and distress and confusion regarding Severus.

For the first time since Sirius disappeared, she found herself wishing that he found him; found him and made him suffer for it. The only regret she had regarding it was that Sirius hadn't had the chance to learn the new information prior to his departure.

And then she felt guilty and ashamed that she was even capable of having such thoughts; of wishing that anyone should suffer in the ways she was imagining.

So she pushed them away as she stepped into the busy, bustling restaurant and stated her name as she was approached by the host to seat her. The man nodded, stated that the other in her party had not yet arrived, and would she like to wait at the table or the bar.

"The table."

The bar would be far too tempting in her current state of mind.

Wary about her thoughts regarding Peter, she found them directed towards the other person who had plagued her thoughts over the past few weeks; thoughts and feelings much less clear and far more confusing for her to make sense of.

In the space of three days she had learned the answers to every question she had been asking herself regarding her old friend since they had become reacquainted; questions she had wondered since long before that, if she were honest with herself.

He had been a Death Eater. He had joined Voldemort, just as she had predicted and accused him off when they had been at Hogwarts. Every guilty glance; every time he adverted his eyes; shifted uncomfortably when she would mention the past or the war or their friendship suddenly made sense. And why hadn't she realised it? She had suspected it after all; deep down had know the truth. Why had she pushed aside the clues; acted so blindly?

And then there was the other piece of information; he had come back. He had returned, long before the war had ended, if what he had implied were true. He was the spy who had warned Dumbledore that Voldemort was targeting them; her family and the Longbottoms. She still remembered everything about that day, the day Dumbledore had told them they had to go into hiding; 5th September 1980.

That meant Severus had defected over a year before the war had ended. Had been fighting on their side, risking discovery for so long.

"Lily?"

She glanced up, meeting the eyes of Rodger Wyatt; the man whom she was to spend the evening with. She forced a smile and stood; "Rodger; hi."

"Hi," he smiled, widely. He leaned towards her, as if to kiss her cheek, and then hesitated and the two of them stood awkwardly for a second, before he decided to go with it and gave her a quick, wet kiss on the cheek, before he plonked down on his chair.

Lily bit her bottom lip as she lowered herself into her own seat.

"I would have come to pick you up," Rodger said, speaking quickly.

"Oh," Lily lifted a hand, with a smile; "Really, it's fine. I try to settle my son down around eight, so it's much better that we met here."

"Oh. Oh, okay," he nodded; then, to Lily's astonishment, clicked a finger at the nearest waitress.

Lily watched as the woman glared at him with obvious irritation but still approached at the summons; she forced a small, sickly sweet smile, one that said they ought not to trust any food that would be brought to them from now on, as it would most likely contain this woman's saliva; "Yes, Sir?"

"Can we have some menus? My partner has been waiting here a while."

Lily felt herself redden as the waitress cast a glance in her direction, and gave her an apologetic smile, forcing herself not to quickly deny that she was this man's 'partner', or this man's anything, and found herself wishing she had outright refused Julia's offer of a set up and was at home, sipping tea and brooding over her current woes.

"I heard you got a place on the Aurelius Fellowship," Rodger said, enquiringly.

Lily met his eyes and nodded; "Yes. It's been very interesting."

"Really prestigious position," Rodger went on, with a knowing tone; "I'm surprised you managed to get in without an internship to back you."

Lily was at a loss as to what to say in response; she hadn't had her qualifications questioned by anyone since she had been offered the place, with the exception of Sirius and Severus, and she found it far more inappropriate that this man had done so, when she hadn't been quite so offended when the other two had offered the same objections.

She forced another smile, wondering if they were coming as smiles rather than grimaces at this point, and shrugged; "Just lucky, I suppose."

"Must be."

Lily thanked the waitress as two menus were handed to them.

"Can I get you something to drink?" the young woman asked.

Lily glanced longingly at the spirits behind the bar; then, forcing self-control, said; "The house red, please."

"Make that a bottle," Rodger added; "And some water for the table." As the waitress left he turned to Lily with a grin; "After all, the table gets thirsty as well sometimes."

Lily blinked.

"Joke!" he barked, as if shouting fire.

She chuckled, closing her eyes as she did so; and he seemed pleased that she appeared to find the joke funny, completely oblivious at to the true reasons for her amusement.

Rodger went on to speak of his own work; the internship he had been placed with following their apprenticeship and Lily felt her mind wander, as his statements varied between dry explanation and frequent insertions of self-important statements that made it clear that this would be the first and only outing these two would ever share.

She wondered what Severus would think of this man; of the conclusions he was drawing from the research he was describing. While Lily, herself, wasn't quite able to be certain of them, she was sure that Severus would know very well what he was talking about and quickly be able to analyse the findings.

Lily was also certain that such a dry topic was not something he would discuss over dinner, if his conversation during their lunches was anything to go by.

And then her mind wandered further, as she imagined how Severus would act if he were here with her. She was sure he wouldn't act as this man did; so self-important and presumptuous and, in Severus case, such an attitude would be understandable – though just as contemptible. No; Severus would not act this way. From what she had seen, he appeared aware of his own abilities but remained relatively humble; he did not flaunt his own success and intelligence in other people's faces.

If she had been here with him, she imagined it would all feel relatively normal; just like the Bistro, only a different location. Relaxed; friendly. Definitely more interesting and enjoyable; and, suddenly, she found herself missing their lunches.

She disinterestedly placed her order, ignoring Rodger's derogatory opinion offered on her choice, and eagerly lifted the wine placed on the table in front of her, taking a long drink and draining half the glass.

"Julia didn't tell me you had a drinking problem," Rodger said, jokingly, with another grin and this time she found herself becoming irritated. The man before her seemed to alter between a self-important, pompous manner and a comical, joking buffoon; neither of which she found particularly attractive and she wondered what Julia had been thinking setting her up with this man.

It appeared her friend had focused in on James' least appealing qualities from Hogwarts, his arrogance and his immaturity, and had found a man who had blown them to such extremes that even her husband would find him infuriating.

"Does your Fellowship conclude this year?"

Lily glanced up at his question, then shook his head; "No. It's a two year placement."

"Oh, so you'll still be there when the new intake come in this autumn?" Rodger's eyes brightened; "Perhaps you could put in a good word for me? Severus Snape works there; I've heard if you want to get anywhere an endorsement from Professor Snape can make anything possible."

Lily smiled, genuine this time, at the mention of him; "Yes. He is very well respected within the Foundation."

"Do you know him?"

Lily hesitated and then nodded; "Yes."

"Really?" Rodger suddenly appeared more interested; "Do you think you could arrange an interview with him for me?"

Lily met his eyes, uncertainly; "Um...I don't know. He and I are working on separate projects," then she added, for more credibility; "And I am hardly of high enough standing within the company to make requests of him."

Rodger looked disappointed, glancing down, before muttering thoughtfully; "Yes; I suppose you wouldn't be."

Lily glared at him over her almost-empty wine glass, draining it and reaching to pour herself another, ignoring his offer to do it for her. She suddenly wished she had agreed to his request; she would rather enjoy being a fly on the wall during a meeting between this man and Severus.

Of course what she had said was true, though not for the reasons she had given. She was hardly in a position to make any request of Severus right now, even if she was fairly certain that he would consent if she asked. She felt a tightening in her stomach, again reminded of the strain between them and how much she missed his company.

Her mind made excuses for him; excuses and reasons came after every accusatory thought. He was a Death Eater; but he defected. He gave up the prophecy; but he revealed it to Dumbledore.

Had he not turned to Dumbledore, what chance would they have had? If he hadn't warned them, if Regulus Black had not yet defected, hadn't been trusted by Voldemort at the time, then they would have been defenceless. And he would have come after them, killed them all with little resistance; they wouldn't have stood a chance.

As she drained her second glass of wine, pouring herself another, she found herself wishing Severus _was_ here with her. That it was all behind them; that they were friends again. That all those things didn't matter.

Did they matter?

They did, of course; but what else could she ask of him?

He had come back; he had righted the wrong committed and he had saved them, had saved her son, from Voldemort. For months, for over a year, he had risked his own safety, his own life, to bring them information to protect them.

And then, once he had gone, he had stayed on that path. Had carried on working for Dumbledore; had thrown himself into the construction of the Foundation. He spent every day trying to right the wrongs he may have committed, in service to those who had suffered, and, if what he had said regarding Regulus Black were to be taking literally, he spent every day feeling guilty, remorseful for it.

Was there even anything else he could do, could give, to atone for what he had done?

And, despite all that, he had confessed the truth to her; had not hidden it from her. He had trusted her with the information he had given; dangerous, life-threatening information, if the situation with Regulus was to be considered.

She had no right to ask any more from him than he had already given.

She shifted anxiously, impatiently and restlessly, wanting to go to him immediately and rectify what had happened between them. Try to salvage the remains of their relationship, before it was too late.

And it had taken her so long to decide it, that she was left apprehensively worrying if _he_ would forgive _her_.

XXX

Severus felt incredibly foolish. He felt like a child again; in fact, he felt like his sixteen year old self hanging around the street of Lily's house the summer after he'd called her a 'mudblood', when he had frequently walked up and down the path in front of her home, hoping she would either notice and come out or that they would just accidently bump into one another.

He remembered with embarrassment Mrs Evans coming out one of those days and offering him a sandwich and some orange juice, before gently telling him that Lily was staying at a friend's that week.

And now, here he was, eleven years later, doing almost exactly the same thing. Although he was not walking up and down past her house, he was lurking around the gate, attempting to decide whether or not to knock on the door.

It was almost the behaviour of a stalker, he mused; after all, the only reason he even knew her address was because he had found it earlier that evening checking through the employee records – not illegal, as a shareholder and business partner, but not quite ethical either and it was something he had never felt the urge to do before.

But Regulus' comment had struck a chord with him; he couldn't just let her walk away. He had let it happen before; had regretted it every day since.

This time, he would fight for it, for their friendship. He wasn't going to lose it, not if there was a chance she could forgive him.

"You really didn't have to walk me home."

Severus glanced up sharply as Lily's voice was carried to him on the wind.

"It was no trouble; only right under the circum -" The man paused in his words, as he turned his head, meeting Severus' eyes.

Lily, who had been rummaging in her handbag, glanced up at the silence at the man next to her, then in the direction he was looking. She froze in her footsteps, staring dumbly at him; "Severus."

Severus, ignoring the incredible awkwardness in the air, nodded in acknowledgment; "Lily. I apologise I...didn't realise you had company."

"Oh," Lily glanced at the man next to her and shook her head; "No. No...we've just...Rodger was just bringing me home...Sorry, Rodger Wyatt, Severus Snape," she was almost stuttering and Severus thought he could smell alcohol on her breath, even from the few feet distance they were standing apart.

The man smiled widely, stepping towards him, with his hand held out; "Professor Snape; I'm very pleased to meet you."

Severus took his hand, eying him slightly, the sentiment not at all shared. He had not known that Lily was entertaining male company, so to speak, and wondered at the man before him. He nodded; "Pleasure."

"Thank you for walking me home, Rodger," Lily spoke up at his side, before she nodded at the house; "This is me." Her tone obviously indicated a dismissal and Severus couldn't help but feel pleased that she had had to indicate to the house, implying that this man had never seen it and, therefore, had likely never been in.

Not that _he _had. But he was comforted to know that this man hadn't either.

"Oh. Would you like me to wait inside?"

Severus looked at Lily curiously; noticed the stunned, offended expression in her eyes and fought a smirk.

"No. Thank you."

"Really, I don't mind waiting."

"My son is inside."

"That's okay, I -"

"You heard her," Severus found himself speaking up, coolly. Both Lily and the man next to her looked at him sharply at the tone.

After a moment, Rodger nodded slightly, before he leaned in and pressed a kiss to Lily's cheek, making jealousy and irritation swell up within him suddenly and forcefully. He fought back a scowl as the other man took his leave.

And then the two of them were alone; both of them silent, the atmosphere awkward.

Lily drew in a breath; "I...have you been waiting long?"

Severus glanced at her, shook his head; "No," he lied, for he had been there for almost an hour trying to decide whether or not to knock; "I...I was uncertain whether or not to knock. I did not wish to disturb your son."

Lily glanced at the house, a slight furrow of her brow; "Oh. No...You wouldn't have. He's with Remus; he's not home."

Severus frowned, glancing at the house, then in the direction the other man had left; realised she had lied to get rid of him. He felt a happy sort of satisfaction settle about within him, that she had obviously had a bad date; then scolded himself inwardly for wishing that upon her. He knew well enough how awful dating could be.

Lily was staring at him, drinking him in, her eyes flicking over him with an expression of curiosity and confusion. Severus forced himself to focus on why he had come and took a step closer to her; "Lily I...I am sorry to invade your privacy this way. I understand it is inappropriate of me to disturb you at home."

Her eyes flicked between his before she shook her head; "It's okay."

"Is it?"

She frowned.

He could definitely smell the alcohol on her breath, as she openly regarded him. She still appeared confused, as if she hadn't quite taken in the fact that he was there, and hadn't connected the dots as to why he was there, and he wondered if she was actually drunk.

"Are you alright?" he asked her, concernedly.

She seemed to snap out of her stupor; "I'm fine. I...I'm just surprised to see you here, Severus."

He drew in a breath, ploughing on with his reason for coming; "Lily, I needed to see you. I...needed to speak with you. To...I just need you to tell me..." this was coming out worse than he had expected, not at all like he had been planning in the hours leading up to it. He swallowed his nerves and his pride, taking a deep breath to compose himself and forcing himself to go on; "Lily, I just need you to tell me if there is a chance. For you and I, that is. I understand that what I did...that you may never be able to forgive me for it."

She swallowed, lowering her eyes, another frown. Then she looked up at him.

"Lily," he went on, quietly, tilting his chin downwards, looking at her; "Is that the case?"

She held his look for a moment, her eyes scanning over him quickly, sad and searching. And then she drew in a trembling breath, stepped towards him and closed the distance between them. His breath caught slightly as she pressed her cheek to his chest and slid her arms around his waist. It took him a second to realise what had happened; before his own arms quickly came up to hold her.

As the seconds moved on, he felt his own courage grow, and he tentatively reached up a hand to stroke her hair.

XXX

Lily sighed in Severus' arms, as she felt his hand reach up, stroke the side of her head, his fingertips grazing her cheek. She breathed in the scent of him, hugging him tighter for a second, before she reluctantly released him and stepped back, looking up at him with a slight smile.

He smiled back, looking happy, almost gleeful, making her own smile widen.

Her head was fuzzy with the wine she had drank, and was already starting a foreboding pounding to warn her of the impending hangover, and her nerves were frayed after the disastrous evening she had just spent with Rodger; but suddenly the night didn't seem so bad.

"I'll see you on Monday," she told Severus, still smiling. He nodded, his own smile still present;

"Yes."

"At the Bistro; for lunch," she stated, wishing to confirm it.

He nodded.

She grinned.

And then he took a few steps backwards, "Goodnight, Lily."

"Night, Sev."

His eyes brightened somewhat at the renewal of the nickname, before he turned and headed away, back up the street, with a lightness about his step that he never usually had.

And she also felt a strange lightness about her as she turned and headed up the pathway towards the house; a weight suddenly feeling as if it had been lifted from her shoulders.

There was still Peter to worry about; still the concealment of a prophecy by Dumbledore.

But those things didn't seem to matter right now; not now that her and Severus' friendship had been repaired.

She lifted her wand to open the door and then frowned, noticing it was already open a crack. She nervously glanced up in the direction Severus had left, noticing he had already disapparated. She gripped her wand tighter, cautiously pushing the door open, peering in slightly.

She cleared her throat, calling into the room; "Hello?"

No answer.

She pushed the door open more fully, holding her wand out in front of her as she cautiously entered the house; she cast her eyes over the living area quickly, calling out again; "Hello?"

A groan emitted from the kitchen.

She glanced in the direction quickly, with a frown; "Who's there?"

Only silence met her this time. She flicked her wand, lightening the room; suddenly met with the sight of blood stains trailing across the floor from the doorway she had entered towards that of the kitchen.

She drew in a steadying breath, making her way towards the kitchen, a sudden dread washing over her as she quickened her pace, realisation washing over her before she had flung open to door.

"Oh my God," she whispered at the sight before her; "Sirius!"

In a heap, in the middle of the kitchen floor, almost completely drenched in blood, was her son's godfather; trembling and gasping for breath.

XXX

**Author's Note: **Apologies for the longer wait! I've been put on six day weeks for the next few weeks, so I've been getting in sections as often as possible. I hope this chapter makes up for it :) Once again, thanks so much for all the reviews for the last chapter, and also the alerts and favourites that were added! I really appreciate all the feedback!

**Jayc: **As you see, the answers to the cliffhanger questions were answered in this chapter; it dented the friendship for a little while but we as readers didn't have to suffer it as long as they did he he ;) Really glad you liked the chapter and thanks very much for reviewing!


	32. March 1987: The Legacy of Sirius Black

Chapter Thirty One

To Hogwarts Class of 1978, James Potter and Sirius Black were invincible.

Those who admired would watch in awe, while those who despised them would watch with envy, as they dipped in and out of trouble, carried out prank after prank, broke every rule handed out to them; done all of this, escaping them all unscathed and without consequence.

They were true marauders; completely indestructible.

What would they think of them now?

James Potter had lain in the same hospital bed, the same room, for over five years; would likely never leave it. Not as long as he lived.

And now Sirius Black lay in the same hospital, his condition critical; the Healers telling them that he may not wake up. The same thing they had been told in 1981 when James had been in a similar condition.

Remus shifted in his chair, his heart heavy, his chest tight as he watched the shallow, barely noticeable, rise and fall of Sirius' chest as he breathed. The swelling and bruising that had covered his face were beginning to subside and disappear; the salve beginning to work. His leg was raised, bandaged in muggle contraptions; the compound fracture untreated for too long to be healed fully by magic.

"Remus."

He jerked, startled, as Lily's hand touched his shoulder. She gave him an apologetic smile, holding out a paper cup of tea to him. He took it, casting her an appreciative glance, before taking a sip.

Lily sat in the vacant chair next to him, the one closest to Sirius, reached over and took the unconscious man's hand, giving it a squeeze; then a hopeful glance at his face, as if waiting for a reaction. Before she turned disappointed eyes in Remus' direction; "Any change?"

She couldn't have been gone more than ten minutes but Remus humoured her, not mentioning it, and shook his head; "Just the same."

"The Healers said the blood replenishment potion is working the way they hoped," Lily stated, then with forced optimism added; "They think it might encourage him to wake up."

Remus didn't respond.

"They...they said he might be able to hear us; that talking to him might help," Lily went on, tentatively; then glanced in Sirius' direction, going silent, as if she unsure of what she ought to say.

Remus scanned Sirius' still form, knowing exactly how she felt. What could he possibly say to him? And, if Sirius could hear them, would he even want to hear his voice? What he even want to know that he was there?

Nothing good had come of their confrontation several months before. A conversation he had always wanted to have, an issue he had always wanted to address; but he had felt no relief, no lifting of the burden he had carried. Instead, it had only strained their relationship further; their friendship, strained and frayed to the point that only a thread held them together. That being Lily and Harry.

Had breaking point come when he had kissed Lily? Had that been it for Sirius?

More than once Remus had felt as if he'd reached his breaking point with him; more than once he had felt as if their friendship was gone; lost. Over.

But now, sitting in this place, faced with the sight of his old friend so weakened; faced with the very real possibility that he may never wake up; that he may actually _die, _he realised that it wasn't true.

It wasn't over.

He still cared. He still loved him.

Was this really happening all over again? The same as it had happened with James? Was he going to lose him, and then spend the rest of his life living with regret, wishing he had done things differently, wishing he had just explained what was happening with him. Wishing he had just said what the problem was, instead of burying it deep inside.

But, instead, he had shut Sirius out. Just like he had shut him, and James and Lily, out six years ago, when the war was becoming too much.

Hiding his feelings away. Creating resentment; distrust.

"Remus?"

He glanced at Lily at her soft tone. She let go of Sirius' hand, reaching over to rub Remus' arm, comfortingly; "Are you okay?" she asked gently.

He drew in a breath. And, because he never seemed to learn, he forced a smile and nodded.

He was just fine.

XXX

"God, Lily, that sounds awful," Julia breathed, as Lily finished relating the details of Sirius' injuries. Three broken ribs; a compound fracture in his leg; a serious head injury; and internal bleeding; "Do you know what happened? Was he able to tell you?"

Lily shook her head; "He was pretty out of it when I found him. By the time Remus and I got him to St Mungo's he was unconscious; he hasn't woken up since."

"Was Harry with you?" Julia asked, frowning in concern.

Lily shook her head; "No. I asked Molly and Arthur if they could take him for the night; he's still with them now." She glanced at the timepiece on the mantle; they would be bringing him back any minute.

"So, he doesn't know?"

Lily shook her head, lifted her cup to her lips; "No. I'm not sure what to tell him. Whether or not to wait until we know what's happening."

Julia only nodded, not offering any opinion on the matter. She rarely did when it came to her son, or her family; that was behaviour exhibited only by Remus and Sirius.

"So...not a great end to the night then?" Julia raised an eyebrow.

Lily glanced at her quickly at the change of tone. Julia grinned slightly and Lily was suddenly reminded of the disastrous evening she had spent with Rodger Wyatt just prior to discovering Sirius. An evening orchestrated and arranged by the woman across from her; she shot Julia a glare, earning an amused chuckle from her.

"I ran into him in Hogsmeade last night; nine thirty, wasn't it?" Julia grinned, before rolling her eyes; "Really, Lily; don't you remember what I said about the times a-changing?"

Lily only stared back at her, not at all amused by the situation; his obnoxiousness was just too insulting and that, coupled with Sirius' injuries, made it difficult to find any humour whatsoever about the whole incident.

"Was it really that bad?" Julia went on, her tone becoming more serious; "Did he try something?"

Lily shook her head; "No. He didn't get the chance. Though he was becoming a little persistent when we got to the house; trying to invite himself in."

Julia frowned; "Really? I hope you told him where to stick it."

"Didn't have to."

Julia shook her head, her expression slightly stunned; "Really? I didn't think he was all that bad. What was the actual date like? Was he interesting?"

"Julia," Lily suddenly chuckled, shaking her head; "Honestly, I don't know what you were thinking. How well do you know him? How well do you know _me? _Surely you didn't think I'd actually be attracted to him?"

"Well...you know, he's cute," Julia shrugged, unconcernedly, "And he's pretty charming in a cocky sort of way," she glanced at him; "A bit arrogant, I guess; but, well, from what I've heard you husband was the cocky, arrogant type as well."

"Oh my God, Julia; that man is _nothing _like James!" Lily burst out, appalled at the comparison; "You really think I would have married someone who acted like that?"

"I dunno," Julia shrugged, grinning again; "It's not like I've had many opportunities to observe your choices of mates, is it?"

Lily shot her an agitated look; "Trust me; there won't be many opportunities for that in the near future, either."

"Oh come on, Lily!" Julia laughed; "You can't swear of dating all together because of one bad experience."

"Maybe I'm just not ready for it yet."

"I think five and a half years is more than enough time to prepare."

Lily shot her a look.

"What do you mean 'you didn't have to'; what made him leave?" She went on, referring to the earlier statement.

Lily shrugged; "Well, I told him that Harry was inside. And Severus told him to listen."

"Severus?" Julia repeated, eyes widening with keen interest; "Severus Snape was there?"

Lily hesitated, immediately regretting the off-handed statement she had just made. She lifted her cup, stating with as disinterested a tone as she could muster; "He was just passing by."

"Passing by?" Julia reiterated, with a slight grin; "He just happened to be 'passing by' your house at nine thirty at night where absolutely nothing is; just a school and a muggle Church?"

"Perhaps he is religious," Lily deadpanned.

Julia smirked; "Or perhaps he heard about the date and hoped to get a glimpse of him."

"Hardly."

"Denial?" Julia raised an eyebrow; "You don't think he would be interested?"

"What?" Lily frowned.

"Well, you and he get along, don't you?" Julia stated the most obvious thing in the world, before going on; "Perhaps an evening with Severus would be more to your liking."

Lily gaped at her a moment, wondering if she had understood the implication correctly.

Julia grinned.

Lily pursed her lips together, frowningly; "Don't start. I already told you; he and I are just friends."

"Oh come on," Julia rolled her eyes; "You _must _think he's attractive; how can you not? That mind; that body –"

"Julia!" Lily interrupted her, glaringly; "Perhaps it is _you _who is interested."

"I hold my hands up to that," Julia lifted her hands to illustrate; "But I don't think the sentiment would be returned," she grinned, lowering her hands and leaning forward on her elbows with a twinkle in her eye as she regarded her; "Ithink his attentions are preoccupied elsewhere."

Lily held her look, mortified to find herself blushing, while a slight smile tugged at her lips.

Julia laughed, shaking her head; "You're pleased."

"What?" Lily blurted out, reddening further.

Julia's laughter increased; "You're smiling; you're pleased by the suggestion. You want him to want you."

"Oh hush, Julia!" Lily snapped, wondering if her face was now changing from red to purple, she felt so hot and embarrassed; "I want no such thing. I've never even considered it."

"But you're considering it now I bet," Julia teased with a manic grin.

"No," Lily denied the statement, ignoring the flashes of images of such an event, a date with Severus, that were passing through her mind; "No, I'm not. And neither is he."

"How do you know?" Julia persisted; "Have the two of you ever addressed it?"

"Addressed it?" Lily repeated.

"Yes; addressed the whole sexual implications of your relationship."

"There are _no _sexual implications."

"There are always sexual implications in male/female relationships," Julia stated, in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Not true," Lily rebuffed her; "I've been friends with Sirius and Remus for years."

"Yes," Julia nodded, adding with a smirk; "And Remus kissed you a few months ago."

Lily scowled at the reminder, which only added further support for Julia's statement.

"Besides, I've seen the way he looks at you," Julia went on.

Lily frowned; "Who? Remus?"

Julia rolled her eyes; "Severus. Obviously."

Lily shook her head; "Don't be ridiculous, Jules."

"You're the one that's being ridiculous here; pretending not to notice," Julia stated, eying her; "Either that, or you really _haven't _noticed, in which case you're completely blind."

"Okay, stop; Severus isn't interested in me that way at all," Lily refuted the statement, beginning to feel flustered.

"Oh please; _everyone _has noticed," Julia grinned; "You should've heard the things people were saying at the Gala over Christmas."

Lily's brow furrowed; "You never said anything about that at the time."

Julia shrugged, lifting a piece of shortbread from her plate; "I didn't think you'd want to hear it back then."

"What makes you think I'd want to hear it _now_?"

"Because you're stepping back out into the big bad world of dating," Julia winked; "So there's no reason for you to deny it now; all the sexual tension."

Lily released an exasperated breath; "There's no sexual tension, Julia. Severus and I are just friends."

"For the love of God, will you please stop saying that?" Julia laughed.

"I won't stop saying it because it's true and it appears that there's no other way of making you believe that; so, repetition it is."

Julia rolled her eyes; "Go ahead; bury your head it the sand. It's all gonna come back and bite you on the ass sooner or later."

Lily opened her mouth to speak but before she could respond the floo flared up in the other room and she heard her son's voice calling out to her.

Sending Julia a silencing look, she stood and made her way to greet her son, as she quickly attempted to decide whether or not to reveal Sirius' condition to him.

XXX

Sirius had been taken into St Mungo's eight days ago.

He hadn't regained consciousness since.

That's the news that Andromeda had given him that morning; the same he had been given every day since his brother's condition had been revealed to him the previous weekend.

Regulus hadn't spoken with his brother, _really _spoken with him, since they were children; not since he was fourteen years old, the day of Sirius' sixteenth birthday. The day he moved in with that bastard, James Potter.

The day he blew the family apart.

Regulus had seen him at Hogwarts; had seen the way he associated with muggleborns and half-bloods; how he had always been so keen to prank and prey on anyone who happened to be in Slytherin house. Sirius had hated his parents but, more than that, he hated being told what to do, how to act. What was appropriate behaviour; and, as such, he always rebelled. He always did the opposite of what he had been told to do.

Regulus had assumed that was the reason for his behaviour; for his treatment of Slytherins and muggleborns and the like. Simple rebellion against his parents' wishes. Nothing at all to do with a strong moral objection to what was going on; he was never all that empathetic when they were children. And Regulus never assumed his stance was political.

Now, over a decade later, he had no idea what his brother's motivations had been.

And for those ten years he hadn't cared.

All he cared about was one simple fact; his brother had destroyed their family.

He had shamed his father and broken his mother's heart; and all the pressures and expectations that had been divided between them then fell solely upon Regulus shoulders as he struggled to deal with the aftermath of his brother's betrayal.

It had been so easy to forgive Andie for it; he had been so young when she did it to his aunt and uncle that it hadn't affected him. Not really. Though he still remembered the day as if it was yesterday.

But with Sirius it had been different.

He had known how it was in that house; he had known what it was like to live there with them; to live under the overwhelming pressure and prejudice of their parents.

Sirius had escaped.

And he had left him.

He had abandoned him.

It was a childish thought; and it was incredibly foolish to assume that his brother could have prevented what had happened to him during the war.

But, at the very least, Regulus couldn't help but resent it.

He couldn't help hating the fact that his brother had escaped, had chosen the right path, had fought for the right side during the war.

He hated that his brother could look in the mirror and be proud of what he saw; when Regulus only ever felt shame and disgust when faced with his own reflection.

But, still, here he was.

In St Mungo's at his brother's bedside at two o' clock in the morning; when he was sure that no other would come across him.

He felt almost ashamed, embarrassed to be there. A hypocrite, even.

Sirius had attempted to reach out to him a number of times, a small handful of times, since the war had ended. Since they had both emerged relatively unscathed. Each time his olive branches had been rejected; snapped. Regulus hadn't been interested; he didn't want to hear from him. He didn't want to know.

He had almost been glad that James Potter had been taken from him; that his brother got to know what it was like to lose someone, without having any control whatsoever over what was happening.

The same way he had made Regulus feel when he had walked out; when his parents had told him he was never to speak another word to him.

Yes, Regulus could be spiteful; just like his brother could be. Just like his mother and his father could be.

It was one of the Black signature traits; they all had it.

Though it wasn't something he was proud of.

And, suddenly overcome with reminders of how he had felt when Evelyn had been killed, when he had lost her only months ago, he felt guilty that he had ever wished his brother had felt the same pain. That he had ever felt glad about it.

Even if it was only Potter.

"You're an idiot, Sirius."

The words escaped his lips before he could really comprehend what he was saying. But he supposed what he said was true; at least, it was a true enough reflection of his sentiments for his brother.

"Never knew when to just give it up; always tilting at windmills."

Sirius remained still; eyes closed. Not refuting the argument. Regulus would never had gotten so far before, in the past, when they had been brothers; at least, not before getting a whack in the jaw.

"You're such an idiot," he repeated, his tone full of disbelief.

Again, there was no response. No movement.

"What were you thinking, Sirius?" Regulus hissed at his still form, a strange tight, sickening feeling welling up in his stomach; "Trying to be a hero or, what? Forget that; judge, jury and executioner, more likely."

He eyed his brother, shook his head at the sight of his injuries. He didn't look as bad as Andie had made him out to be; though that was over a week ago and any bruising and scarring had been dealt with by now. It was simple a cast on his leg, a muggle contraption, but completely unfamiliar and frightening to him to see. And his chest barely rose with each gasp of breath.

"Look at yourself," Regulus whispered, shaking his head; "Thinking you're invincible; didn't learn anything from Potter, did you?"

There was a small puff of breath from Sirius' lips. Regulus raised his eyes to them with a frown; lifted his eyes further and found himself staring into the cool, grey eyes of his brother.

Regulus started, jerking backwards slightly; because he hadn't looked into his brother's eyes in years and he was suddenly having flashes of better times; times when he was young and carefree. When he was still innocent and pure.

He stumbled away as Sirius frowned, following him with his eyes.

Regulus turned, hurrying away with the grace of an elephant, knocking over a tray of paperwork and medical accessories as he dashed from the room.

XXX

"I'm really gonna see him?" Harry was looking at her with wide, eager eyes.

Lily stroked his hair; she was reluctant to agree with the request. It had been ten days since Sirius had been taken into St Mungo's and, still, there had been no change in his condition. He was yet to waken and the Healers were still unsure as to the extent of his injuries.

But he had began responding to touch the previous day; had began squeezing items placed into his hands. Had even followed instructions; been told to squeeze once, twice, three times and each time doing exactly as they had said.

The Healers had stated that neurological damage was unlikely, considering the improvement.

And so Lily had thought it was time for her to reveal the truth to Harry.

If Sirius was responding to instructions that it was quite certain that he could hear; could understand what was going on around him. And perhaps the sound of his godson's voice would help encourage him to waken.

"Yes, Sweetheart," Lily nodded, as she knelt in front of him, outside the door to Sirius' room. The room was private, like James'; something Remus had insisted on, despite the fact that neither of them could really afford such a request.

"Is he in there?" Harry's eyes went keenly to the door behind her.

Lily nodded; "Now, remember what I told you, Harry –"

"I remember," he said, impatiently, attempting to hurry past her.

Lily grasped him by the shoulders, holding him in front of her, determined not to have to deal with a repeat of the incident when Harry had first visited James. This time she had done her best to ensure he was prepared; had explained in detail, nothing left out, the extent of Sirius' injuries. That he was sleeping; that he might be able to hear him so Harry could talk to him.

"Now, remember; even though you're able to speak with your Uncle Sirius he can't answer right now. That's just because he's resting, okay? He needs lots of sleep so he can get better."

Harry nodded, glancing impatiently at the door; "Okay."

"So don't be upset if he doesn't wake up right away," Lily went on; "He just needs a little bit more time."

"I _know, _Mum," Harry groaned; "Please, I just wanna see him. I don't need to talk."

Lily drew in a breath and then nodded; "Okay." Then released him, stood and flattened down her skirt before putting a protective arm around his shoulders and allowing him to hurriedly lead them into the room.

Harry eagerly pushed the door to the room open, hurrying in. He stopped a moment, taking in the sight of his godfather lying unmoving on the bed.

Lily squeezed his shoulder comfortingly; watched as her son swallowed, his expression anxious as his eyes scanned Sirius' form. After a moment he glanced up at her, looking unsure. She gave him a soft smile; "It's okay, Sweetheart. He's just sleeping."

Harry bit his bottom lip, turning back to look in Sirius' direction. Then, after a second, took a few slow steps towards him, before his pace quickened and he hurried to his godfather's side.

He looked him up and down, thoughtfully for a moment, before he grabbed the edge of the bed and hiked himself up next to Sirius; "Hi Uncle Sirius."

He paused, as if waiting for a reply, then he slid his arms around Sirius' neck, giving him a hug; "I missed you lots." He drew back, looked at Sirius' face, as Lily took a seat in the chair next to the bed; "Mum said you might wake up quicker if I talk to you."

Lily smiled at the innocent statement.

"I came looking for you, y'know," he leaned down, whispering at normal speaking volume in Sirius' ear; "It made Mum really, _really _mad. She made me do tons of housework for it."

Lily rolled her eyes.

"I got all the way to Hogwarts! Malachi was with me too. You're his uncle too, you know. He really wants to meet you."

Sirius' hand twitched.

"Harry," Lily quickly got his attention. Her son looked at her, as if surprised to find her there. She pointed at the hand, which now lay still at Sirius' side; "Hold his hand; he might give you a squeeze when you're talking."

Harry immediately obeyed the suggestion, taking his godfather's hand in his.

"Uh...I started a new school. It's at the place Mum works. With magic; real magic!" Harry grinned widely; "And we do plays and stuff, just like at my old school. You missed one of them but –" he stopped suddenly, before turning in her direction with a delighted expression; "Mum! I felt it! He squeezed my hand!"

Lily smiled, glancing down; sure enough, Sirius squeezed his hand again.

Harry chuckled, looking at Sirius with a wide smile.

Then he lay down next to him, releasing the hand, and slipped his arm across his godfather's waist; "I love you, Uncle Sirius. I'm really glad you're home."

And Lily smiled, as she watched Sirius' hand twitch at his side once again.

She took it as an unspoken promise that he would soon be back with them.

XXX

**Author's Note**: Massive apologies that the updates have taken a hit! Unfortunately the new job is wearing me down more than I expected however still strive to get out these updates on my day off so weekly updates, at least, can still be expected :) Thanks so much for all the reviews, favourites and alerts since the last chapter!

**Jayc**: As you see, Sirius is rather incapacitated at the moment. We'll see his reaction to the Severus and Lily developments in the not too distant future; he may be a little preoccupied with other things in the more immediate timeframe ;).  
I'm glad you think the storyline is realistic and don't mind the slow build going on. It will be a relatively long fic; we're about half way through now, maybe a little less than that. Looking at around 70 chapters; though it could go either way depending on how the subplots develop as that's based more on the main plotline and the Severus/Lily developments :).


	33. March 1987: First Encounters

Chapter Thirty Two

As with all of Regulus Black's formulations when it came to the projects within the Foundation, the Orion Initiative was created with the intention of helping those who had been adversely affected during the war.

Its intention was to help those wishing to finally deal with what they had experienced finally be able to do so, by giving them the chance to reclaim any memories and incidents that they may have blocked out in an attempt to cope with what had happened.

It was created with the intention of allowing them to finally let go of what they were holding on to; if they had been unable to do so before due to not knowing what it was they were blocking.

The final step.

Over the past few days Severus had been both witnessing and carrying out the final stages of the testing process on volunteers; now finding himself in St Mungos for the final day, after Eugene and Regulus agreed to pander to the wishes of clients who hoped that the treatment may lead to a revival of loved ones who had lost their memories due to magical causes during the war. Loved ones who were lost to them.

That wasn't the intention of the project; it wasn't possible to revive such cases. That was what Dorado was attempting to do.

And, after a day of facing the disappointment and newly-lost hope of those who were being faced with exactly that news; information he would have been able to tell them _without _wasting time experimenting on these people; he found the satisfaction of a project well done was significantly lacking.

That, coupled with the fact that Dumbledore intended to use the findings of the project for his own questionable motives, made Severus almost wish that the project hadn't been a success.

Nevertheless, people rarely got what they wished for. And, now that the final day of the trials was complete, there was only paperwork to be written out and the proposals and presentation of the findings, the latter of which Eugene had agreed to complete.

So, now, he would return to Dorado; and, if he were lucky, he may soon find out more about Dumbledore's intentions once the old man had gotten his way with the Longbottom boy.

Not something Severus anticipated all that soon, he mused; apparently he had been having some trouble convincing Augusta Longbottom of the importance of the arrangement and had been told in no uncertain terms to stay away from her grandson.

Severus was glad. While the one at home was tolerable enough, he had no wish to associate with and deal with the tantrums of a little boy.

But then, as if fate was laughing at him and his musings, as he finished gathering his notes from the table in front of the final trail patient's table and turned to exit the room, he found himself facing the four foot tall, spitting image of James Potter; familiar green eyes regarding him curiously.

XXX

As much as Harry loved his Uncle Sirius; as much as he had wished for and wanted him to come back; he couldn't help but find the sitting around, waiting in his hospital room until he woke up, to be the most boring thing his mother had ever asked him to do.

It was the same thing he had been doing all week; every day after school since the first time he had visited. And his uncle only did the same as he had done back then; squeeze his hand when he spoke to him. His mother had said he opened his eyes one time; Harry had been sleeping at the time and he wasn't sure if he believed her.

Maybe she only said that so that he would keep believing his Uncle Sirius would wake up.

And, not for the first time, he wondered if his uncle was really in the first stages of what had happened to his dad; that soon the hand squeezing would stop. His eyes maybe would open; but then they wouldn't see anything.

Such thoughts made him anxious and uneasy and that, along with his boredom, made him increasingly restless and agitated.

So, when he had noticed that his mum had drifted off to sleep in the chair next to his Uncle Sirius' bed, he had slipped down from his place next to him and crept quietly from the room; keen to put space between himself and his uncle, hoping the thoughts he was beginning to have would be left behind in the room.

It was late; not very late, as many people were still bustling around the corridors; looking busy, looking anxious. But it was late enough that it was dark outside, so he stayed clear of the exits, knowing that his mum wouldn't be happy if she woke and found out he was outside.

So he veered in the other direction; the direction he knew his father would be in. He didn't particularly want to visit him or see him; he just didn't know where else to go. So he made his way across the wings of the hospital; he knew his dad was on the same floor, not too far away. He had recognised it, the other corridor before, and he had notice his mum looking in that direction often when they made their way to visit his Uncle Sirius.

His mum hadn't made him go to see him again. And he hadn't asked. They hadn't spoken about his dad in a while; not since she had promised to stop being sad about him. He wasn't sure if that meant that she was happy now or if she just realised she had to hide it better from him now.

As he walked by an open door, the swish of ebony robes caught his eye and he glanced into the room, quickly recognising the man who was there, scribbling down words onto parchment; and Harry was reminded that his mum _had_ seemed happy, very happy, only a little while ago when she had been having lunch with this man.

Professor Snape.

Or Severus, as Malachi always called him.

Harry regarded him curiously; this man that could make his mum smile bigger than he had ever seen. It was a different smile; one he had never seen before.

But this man wasn't a smiling person; it was something he noticed immediately when he had first seen him. He noticed his smiles were small, tiny; so little you couldn't really notice them. And he wondered how he could stop himself from smiling, when someone else was smiling so happy and big at you like his mum had done that day.

And he definitely wasn't smiling right now. He didn't look happy at all. But he supposed he might have just been having a bad day; that's what his Uncle Remus often told him, when people were unfriendly. They were just having a bad day; give them three strikes before you decide if they're just unhappy that day or just plain miserable always.

And then, before he could really fathom that the man probably was in a bad mood, judging by his expression and heavy handed movements; before he could rationalise that and realise he should leave lest he get caught staring and offend him, the man had turned and was now facing him.

Harry hesitated, looking at him, gathering what information he could from the opportunity he was receiving to fully look over his mum's friend who he had never met.

The man appeared to be doing the same; could only stare at him. But Harry noticed that he seemed to recognise him; he was looking at him like he knew him. And not like he particularly liked him very much.

Harry offered a smile in greeting; "Hi."

Professor Snape regarded him silently for a further moment before he inclined his head; "Mr Potter."

Harry's eyes brightened and his smile widened further; "You know who I am."

"I remember you from my chambers," Professor Snape remarked, rolling up the parchments he was holding and breaking eye contact; "I believe you remember the occasion?"

Harry hesitated, taking a moment to figure out what the man had said; he spoke more formally than anyone he had met before. Words he had never really heard in normal conversation; "Uh. Yeah," he nodded; "You're Malachi's godfather."

"That is correct," Professor Snape glanced at him again, as he tucked the rolled parchments into his cloak; "Is there something I can help you with?"

Harry paused, then shook his head; "No...uh...yeah...I dunno."

"Eloquently put," the man raised an eyebrow.

Harry frowned, not sure if he liked the man before him. He was beginning to feel self-conscious; getting the impression that the man was making fun of him. He remembered what his Uncle Remus had said; remembered that the man had looked grumpy before he had even noticed him.

So he tried a different approach, reaching for the other thing they had in common; "You're friends with my mum."

The other man's expression softened slightly at the mention of her. He nodded; "Also correct."

"You talk funny."

"Manners, Potter."

Harry started somewhat; the man speaking his name with an edge that made him uneasy. He swallowed, glancing down, guiltily and apprehensively; "Sorry."

And then he remembered what Malachi had told him a little while ago, when he had asked him about the man. He had told him that Professor Snape was scary sometimes; that he didn't like stupid people. Harry glanced at him; wondered if the man thought that he was stupid. Because he could certainly believe what Malachi had said about him being scary; hoped that this was what he had meant, because he was finding him rather startling right now and didn't want to imagine that it could be any worse.

"Where is your mother?"

Harry glanced up quickly, surprised at the new, softer tone the professor now addressed him with. Seeing the softening reflected somewhat in his expression. Harry glanced back in the direction he had come; "She's with my Uncle Sirius. He's sick."

"So I've heard."

"You know him?"

The man didn't respond. Instead he stepped towards him and Harry quickly backed out of the way.

"I assume your mother is unaware of your whereabouts?"

"Uh..." Harry paused, looking up at him, frowningly.

Professor Snape rolled his eyes, slightly; "Does she know where you are?"

Harry shook his head; "No. She's sleeping."

"Come."

The man made off in the direction of his Uncle Sirius' room and Harry found himself following, hurriedly; the tone the man had spoken to him with demanding obedience.

"Uh..." Harry began, hurrying after him, finding his confidence had grown somewhat not that they were moving, almost side by side, rather than staring at one another; "My mum likes you."

The other man's steps faltered somewhat, slowing, as he seemed to think over what he had said. The professor glanced at him out the corner of his eye; "As you have already stated; we are friends."

"Good friends?" Harry enquired, hopefully, wondering if this man would be more open that his mother had been regarding their relationship.

The man eyed him and Harry avoided looking directly back at him.

"I suppose."

"You make her smile."

The statement was met with silence. Harry risked a glance; noticed the slight smile that tugged at the man's lips. Then he smiled; "Does she make you smile too?"

He received a sharp look; reminding him that he couldn't speak to him like that. With the same playfulness that he spoke with everyone else. This man was a stranger.

And, suddenly, the mantra he had drilled into him in his first year of primary school was echoing in his head; _stranger, danger; stranger, danger._

"Harry!"

But he guessed, from the tone of his mother's voice, that the danger in this circumstance wasn't going to come from the stranger he had now made acquaintance with, as he looked up and found her advancing towards them.

XXX

She had been young when she had become pregnant and, subsequently, given birth to her son. No one had warned, even mentioned, to her the full-time worry that would settle upon your shoulders the second the infant would be placed in your arms.

Lily remembered the first night she and James had taken Harry home. She had barely slept; had crept creeping over to his basket as he slept, just the check that he was still breathing.

As time went by, her concern for his wellbeing only increased as he began crawling, walking; as he began constantly putting himself in danger due to the numerous freak accidents she could imagine.

But now, at age six, she was certain he son's foolishness, his consistent ability to send her into a state of frantic panic due to his actions were going to be the death of her.

"Where have you been?" she snapped at him, when she was finally close enough to grab him by the arm.

Harry glanced in the direction he had come from, looking uncertain; "Uh...I...I was going to see my dad."

Lily paused, almost stunned speechless by the statement; "Wha...you..." And then she met Severus' eyes and suddenly felt uncomfortable, as she always did when the subject of her husband came up when she was in his presence.

She cleared her throat, looking down at him; "Go and say goodnight to your Uncle Sirius. We'll talk about this at home."

Harry hurried past her, eagerly accepting the temporary reprieve, and she watched until she saw him go back into the room she had just vacated, before she turned her attention back to Severus.

She gave him a smile; "Where did you find him?"

"Where he implied; the neurological damage section," Severus stated, glancing in the direction he spoke of; "Though he was not...with his father at the time," he met her eyes and then shrugged; "Obviously."

Lily nodded slightly; yes, obviously not. James Potter's bedside was hardly someplace her son would run into Severus Snape; "Thanks for bringing him back."

"It was no trouble," Severus waved a dismissive hand; "I was leaving and, after what happened last month I assumed you would appreciate having him returned."

She rolled her eyes, "He's always wandering off; too curious for his own good. He disobeys every rule given to him."

"Ah," Severus nodded; "Doesn't quite take after his mother then."

Lily met his eyes at the statement; at the implication of who her son was like. She wondered at the comparison; though that he was like James was hardly something anyone could deny, it was hardly a warm statement or a compliment coming from Severus' lips.

Severus shrugged, looking apologetic and slightly sheepish and she felt herself warm at the gesture, not the first time she had responded as such to him the past couple of weeks, more affected than was normal at how he seemed to regret upsetting her, and she found herself cursing Julia for what she had said some weeks before.

Because ever since Julia had confronted her with the notion that Severus had feelings that went beyond simple friendship towards her, she found herself flustered and self-conscious whenever she was in his presence. The first few encounters afterwards regarding him closely, watching for anything unusual in the way he behaved around her; seeing nothing, but, after several more meetings, realised that her own behaviour was beginning to change and that Severus was noticing it.

She would blush more easily and frequently; would find herself tongue-tied during conversation; and, to her own discomfort, found herself thinking about him frequently, almost constantly. She had even dreamt about him one night, definitely not an appropriate dream to have of a friend and co-worker, and so she had avoided him in the two days that followed it.

"How is Black?"

Lily founded herself drawn from her thoughts at the surprising enquiry. She frowned; "Um...he's okay. No change, really."

Severus inclined his head; "I see."

"He's responding to treatment," Lily went on, more hopefully; "He woke up a couple of nights ago. He couldn't speak; but I could tell that he recognised me."

"Good progress, then."

She nodded; "Yes."

Lily didn't know what it was that made Julia think Severus was possibly interested. He demonstrated no particular regard for her at all, except his usual friendliness with her that he had always had, right back when they were at Hogwarts. He certainly wasn't behaving as foolishly as she had been previously; hadn't appeared even the slightest bit self-conscious.

Instead, Julia had planted the seeds of the idea in _her _mind; and she was plagued with thoughts of dinner over candlelight, walks in the park, dancing at Foundation functions; he _had _danced very well at the Christmas Gala. And a repeat of that wasn't something she would object to.

But, sometimes, when she was around him she would begin having further, more inappropriate thoughts; thoughts such as how his hands would feel in her hair, or on her waist; thoughts such as the feel of his lips on hers. They would be soft, she knew that from the glances she had made at them; how it would feel to have them part beneath hers; his hands moving from her hair downwards, over her shoulders. Or from her waist, upwards, gathering fabric with his fingers...

She met his eyes and suddenly found herself blushing, flustered and mortified at the direction of her thoughts. She quickly averted her eyes from his, remembering his talent for legilimency; the last thing she wanted was to broadcast such images into _his_ mind!

"Are you alright?"

She jumped as his hand gripped her shoulder; the touch only making her feel even more hot and bothered than she already felt and he seemed to sense her discomfort and quickly withdrew his hand. She risked a brief glance in his direction, nodding; "Yes. Yes, I'm fine."

She avoided his eyes and thanked the heavens when behind her; "Mum?" sounded, alerting her to her son's presence and readiness to leave.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Severus," she said, still not meeting his eyes; "Thanks again, for Harry. I'll see you tomorrow," she almost cringed at the repetition as she hurried away.

She could feel Severus' eyes following her as she grabbed Harry's hand and drew him in the opposite direction; knew he would be confused and baffled at her actions but she couldn't find the courage to look back at him as she hurried down the corridor; both embarrassed and, not for the first time, confused at the direction of her thoughts.

XXX

"Don't blame me for your dirty mind, Lily," Julia's eyes gleamed as she regarded her over her coffee cup, the two sitting in the guest waiting area of St Mungo's.

Lily glared at her; "If it wasn't for your insinuations I wouldn't be having these thoughts."

"_My _insinuations?" Julia repeated in a laughing tone; "All I did was speed up the inevitable, honey. If you're having these thoughts now, it means they've always been there. They've just be waiting to be set free," she made a flying bird notion with her hands as if to illustrate.

"Severus doesn't even think about me that way."

"Oh _please._"

Lily shook her head, making to protest, but Julia went on; "Honestly, no one can be that blind, Lily. He wants you. He helps you with work, constantly, always giving you articles; he has lunch every day with you; he dances with you. These are things that Severus Snape never does with anybody."

"And how would you know that?" Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, people talk," Julia grinned; "There were people taking bets on how long it'd take for the two of you to get it on at the Gala."

"Oh hush."

"Only half joking, Lil'," Julia winked; "Ever thought you might send Sirius back into a coma when he wakes up and finds out what's been going on while he's been away."

Lily paled at the reminder; "Not funny, Jules."

"You think he'd mind?"

Lily scoffed; "You saw how he reacted just to the idea of he and I working together."

Julia shrugged; "Ah well; deal with it when it comes to it, I suppose."

"There's nothing to deal with," Lily sighed, once again insisting her point.

Julia smirked, leaning forward on her elbows; "You've just sat there for twenty minutes telling me about all the illicit thoughts you've been having about Severus Snape and now you're trying to insist there's nothing going on?"

Lily shook her head; "Well it isn't. It's all one sided; and," she shrugged; "Well, it's been a while. Thoughts are bound to...develop; and Severus is the most likely person I'd end up thinking about. I'd hardly think the same about Sirius or Remus, after all."

"Or your husband?" Julia pointed out, with a sly smirk, then went on before Lily could retort; "Very rationally put, Lily. Severus' is the only male currently available to you right now; it's only natural you should start to fantasise."

"Okay, enough," Lily waved a hand, silencing her friend, and then lifted her coffee cup to her lips.

"You should ask him out."

Lily almost choked on the liquid she was drinking. Julia laughed, delighted at the response.

"I'm not going to ask him out, Julia; what if you're wrong? It would completely ruin the friendship we have; how awkward –"

"Ah ha!" Julia pointed at her, silencing Lily.

Lily frowned in bafflement at the look of satisfaction on her friend's face; "What 'ah ha'?"

"You're finally admitting your feelings! It's not 'I don't want to go out with him'. It's 'he doesn't want to go out with me; what if he says no; how will this affect our friendship-'"

"Julia –"

"You like him, don't you?" Julia grinned; "Like _like._"

"I'm sorry, are we twelve?" Lily glared at her, taking a long drink, feeling a headache coming on.

"Mum!" Harry burst into the room, almost making her drop her cup in fright as he did so.

She shot him a look, making to scold him; "Harry –"

"Uncle Sirius is awake!" he announced, eyes wide, before he turned and hurried away, back in the direction of Sirius' room.

The two of them quickly abandoned their coffee mugs and hurriedly made their way after the boy, stumbling into the room where Remus and Harry already were, tending to the man in the bed.

Sirius' eyes were open, a slight furrow on his brow as his eyes flicked around the room, attempting to take in what he was seeing. He made to speak, his voice coming out in a dry croak; and then Remus slid a hand beneath his shoulders and lifted him, holding a glass of water to his lips.

Sirius drank the liquid eagerly, before stopping abruptly in a choke and then coughing violently, sending water across the bed. Lily stepped towards him, as Remus rubbed his back; "Hey, take it easy."

Sirius regarded Remus with a confused frown, before glancing back at Lily. He swallowed and then spoke, a harsh, scratching sounding; "Wha...what happened?"

Lily took his hand, shook her head; "We're not sure," she looked at Remus quickly; "Did you tell the Medinurses?"

"I sent Harry," he looked in the direction of the boy, who was holding his uncle's other hand, watching Sirius anxiously.

"I'll go," Julia spoke up.

"Lil'," Sirius joked out, a sudden desperation in his voice.

She looked down at him, squeezing his hand; "It's okay. You'll be okay –"

He shook his head, his breathing become slightly laboured; "No –"

"Just calm down," she insisted, as Remus laid him back against the pillows he had been propping up against the headboard.

Sirius reached up, grabbed her arm, looking anxious and frightened as he pulled her closer; "Lil', I...I can't...I can't feel my legs."

She started, glanced down at them, where Harry was leaning on one of them; "Harry...Harry, on the floor, please."

"I...I can't move them," Sirius gasped out, releasing both her and Harry's hands, as Harry quickly jumped down on to the floor. Sirius reached down to grab at the blankets covering his legs. The cast that had been on his leg previously was gone, the leg having healed during the weeks he was unconscious.

He reached down, grabbing at then; "I can't feel them," he repeated, his voice slightly stronger in volume, while the desperate tone in his voice increased

Harry curled up against his other uncle, watching the display fearfully, while Lily shared an apprehensive glance with Remus, as Julia and the mediwizard hurried into the room.

XXX

Author's Note: Thanks very much to everyone who reviewed the previous chapter! Hope you enjoyed this one; a little progression on Lily's side on the romance now ;)

Alex: That would be a rather interesting development wouldn't it? I'm not sure if Sirius could ever recover from witness such a thing ha ha. Thanks very much for reviewing!

Jayc: You're very welcome! I'm glad you're enjoying the story :) Thanks very much for reviewing!


	34. May 1987: Connecting

May 1987: 

Chapter Thirty Three

Voldemort choose Neville.

Severus' statement haunted her.

It could have so easily have been Harry.

Before she had had Sirius' disappearance, his reappearance and his injuries to distract her. But now he was home and he had no idea of the events that had transpired in his absence.

Should she tell him? Shouldn't he know that Harry had been the target the whole time?

She supposed it really didn't matter now. Her son was safe. Neville Longbottom lived; had defeated him just as the prophecy had said. At least, that is what she gathered from the information Severus had given to her.

But that information hadn't been enough so she had asked Severus; how did an infant manage to defeat the most powerful dark wizard the world had ever known?

He didn't know.

"_Then how can you be sure?" she had asked._

"_We cannot be sure. There were no witnesses. We only known that it is what the prophecy stated would happen."_

Lily had never put her faith in the accuracy of prophecies and she certainly felt no warmth towards to idea of them now that she had learned the true reason she had lost her husband.

Nevertheless, she had to know more. So she had spent the past fortnight gathering together any news articles and journals she could find concerning the events surrounding Voldemort's fall.

To no avail.

As Severus had stated, there had been no witnesses. Every piece of information, what little she could find, all said the same. Voldemort had entered the Longbottom's place of hiding on Halloween night; he, Alice and Frank died that night and the only survivor was the one-year-old Neville Longbottom. With no explanation for how he had survived.

Severus had told her not to trouble herself with the information; to appreciate the time she had with her son now that it was over.

But even Severus had seemed troubled when she had brought up the topic. He had appeared almost edgy and a wall seemed to come up between them with each question that she asked. She supposed he just wasn't comfortable talking about what had went on during the war; he clammed up completely when she started to encroach on the topic of Death Eaters so she had let that go.

But she couldn't shake the feeling that he was starting to pull away.

Something was troubling him and her questions only seemed to make it worse.

Meanwhile, at home, Sirius had noticed that something was troubling her. But she couldn't tell him what she knew without him learning of her friendship with Severus. She had enough troubles as things were without adding his condemnation to it.

The prophecy just didn't make sense. Voldemort's defeat didn't make sense.

How could an infant not only defeat him but also emerge from the attack completely untouched?

XXX

"Good. That's good."

"Could you be any more patronising, Remus!" Sirius snapped, glowering at the other man as he lowered him from the bed into the damned chair he had spent the past month in.

"Perhaps I should just let you fall on your arse," Remus retorted, though without the same fervour; but, as if to prove a point, Sirius felt the other man release him just a little too high up before he thumped down onto the chair with a crack.

"Fuck!" Sirius barked; "What are you playing at, Moony?"

Remus smirked as he leaned down and lifted one of his immobile feet to place on the rest and Sirius wished with all his might that the feeling would return at that precise moment so he could give the man a good kick in the face.

"Uncle Sirius?"

Both men turned as Harry's head popped around the door; "Are you ready yet? It's almost time to go!"

"Almost, Harry," Sirius forced a smile to his godson, shuffling himself in the chair using his arms.

Harry nodded, hesitating at the door as if to leave, before changing his mind and making his way into the room; "Mum said you might not feel like going out today."

Sirius waved a dismissive hand, determined not to be unnerved about the prospect of venturing outdoors for the first time since the incident; "I'm fine, Harry. There's no reason for you to worry; I promised I'm coming with you."

The apprehensive look in the young boy's eyes quickly dissipated at the affirmation and he smiled brightly at him; "Good! And you too, Uncle Remus?"

"Wouldn't miss it," Remus smiled, ruffling Harry's hair; "Go tell your mum we'll be down in a minute."

Harry nodded and eagerly bounded from the room, as Remus stood, having finally settled Sirius into the chair properly; "Comfortable?"

"Tremendously, Remus," Sirius remarked, glancing down at himself; "I can't thank you enough."

"Oh pack it in, Sirius," Remus rolled his eyes, grabbing the handles on the back of the chair and roughly pushing him out of the room.

"I can do it myself, I have my wand," Sirius reached for it but Remus carried on regardless.

He and Remus still hadn't discussed the confrontation they had had prior to him leaving at Christmas. The conversation was so final; never had it been so clear that the two had drifted apart. That their relationship was beyond repair.

Despite that, Sirius knew that Remus had been at his bedside every day that he had been unconscious. Even if Lily had not told him, he could still remember, when his awareness had eventually come back to him, before he had opened his eyes, that Remus had been there.

He hadn't spoken about anything worthwhile; Sirius remembered him reading from the Prophet at one point because he didn't know what he ought to say.

Had they been the same as they were as teenagers Sirius would have teased him about it. But they weren't. The awkwardness was still there and neither of them was willing to bring up the proverbial hippogriff in the room.

However, Remus had been there every day since he had woken up. Had been there for him; assisted with all the degrading activities Sirius didn't even want to think about. All the while they would bite one another's heads off, make sarcastic remarks, growl at one another for the tiniest of reasons.

And yet, Sirius was glad of it. He wanted Remus with him. Even if they had lost what they once had, the fact that he hadn't given up on him gave him hope that, just maybe, he would one day have his friend back once again.

He allowed that hope to guide him, as the two of them pushed forward; finally moving on and mending the damage that had been wrought.

XXX

"You understand I will not invite you in," Augusta Longbottom stated, standing tall and proud, keeping the edge of her door pressed close to her side.

"Then perhaps we shall be more comfortable on the bench?" Dumbledore indicated towards it, where it sat, old and rusted, vines wrapping around the bars.

Augusta eyed him for a moment, making no move to accept the suggestion; "You cannot speak with my grandson."

"As yet that is not necessary. It is yourself I wish to speak with."

"Pardon me any disrespect, Professor Dumbledore," she began; "But I know what you are about. And I understand your situation; but my grandson's wellbeing is all that concerns me and I will not have him become another casualty as his parents were before him."

"I assure you that will not be so," Dumbledore explained, smoothly; "It is only a memory I ask for; nothing more."

"There is always more."

"Not in this case, Ms Longbottom."

The old woman sighed. She glanced back over her shoulder, presumably in the direction of the object of their discussion, before she stepped out onto the concrete and pulled the door closed behind her.

"Professor; my son and his wife followed you blindly. They trusted you; they placed their lives in your hands. You made them promises, guaranteed their safety. They never truly believed that…that _monster_ was coming for them. Because _you _convinced them there was nothing to fear."

"I admit I did not handle your son's situation as well as I could; I did not take the threat as seriously as I ought to. And I apologise –"

"Your apologies mean very little to me. You took them from me for over a year. You concealed them from all who loved them. And after a year of this; they were killed. Murdered."

Dumbledore was silent, only nodding slowly.

"It is a miracle my grandson even survived that night. You will forgive me for not wanting you to have anything to do with him."

"I assure –"

"Enough," Augusta held her hand up to him; "Until you give me a sincere, genuine reason – I want to hear nothing more about it."

Dumbledore drew in a breath, sizing up the woman before him, knowing that it simply was not possible for him to leave without securing permission to access the child's memory. Regulus and Severus' Dark Marks were unmistakeable now and unyielding; time was running out.

They _needed _to know what happened that night.

They needed to be prepared.

There was no other way.

"In that case," Dumbledore began, with a heavy sigh; "You had best sit down." And he indicated the bench one again.

This time she raised an eyebrow; and then did as he asked.

XXX

Severus' attendance at Foundation events were pretty much compulsory; that was the only reason he found himself at such functions almost every month. It was a necessary evil he had to endure as a way of supporting both the organisation and Regulus.

His attendance at _these_ events, however, was not compulsory. It was not at all necessary that he waste a full Saturday in Hogsmeade, when he had a mountain of school assignments to grade, piles of research to muddle through for Dorado and paperwork to complete finalising the Orion project. And with the Dark Lord's return looming ever nearer, and Dumbledore still unable to secure permission to access Neville Longbottom's memory detailing what led to his fall five years previously, the idea of attending the Hogsmeade Spring Fling Festival was almost ludicrous.

And yet, here he was; Regulus and Malachi in tow.

Lily had invited him.

Sort of.

Not really, when he thought on it properly. She had simply asked if she would see him there; and he had said yes without really thinking.

It didn't mean he had to go. They had not planned to attend together; she probably wouldn't even notice if he failed to show up.

However, their time together had been scarce for weeks, what with the initial parting of ways following his revelations of his role in the war and then Sirius Black's return; the man had been in a bad way, he'd been led to believe and, subsequently, Lily had taken a leave of absence in order to take care of him and stabilise the situation at home.

So when he had bumped into her briefly the previous day and the question was asked, he had eagerly agreed as it meant the opportunity to see her again.

What an adolescent moron!

But he took comfort and satisfaction in the fact that Lily's eyes had brightened also when he had confirmed his attendance; even if she did look more surprised.

"Look Dad!" Malachi pointed excitedly towards one of the stands, "Apple dunking!" He immediately took off in that direction. Regulus smiled and followed.

Severus glanced down at his timepiece.

"Not a fan of dunking for apples, yourself?"

Severus kept his head lowered; but he smiled, instantly recognising the voice behind him. He tucked the timepiece into his pocket before he glanced over at her.

Lily smiled and raised an eyebrow.

"I prefer not to get wet," Severus stated, crossing his arms as she walked up to him.

"I see."

He quickly glanced around; "You're alone?"

Lily shook her head, looking over her shoulder; "No; they're all around here somewhere." Her eyes rested on something before she smiled and nodded in that direction; "There's Harry; it looks like he's spotted your godson."

Severus followed her line of vision and, sure enough, saw the young Potter standing with Lupin; pointing in Malachi's direction and attempting to drag the werewolf towards him.

"Regulus tells me you return to the Foundation on Monday," Severus turned away from the boys.

Lily nodded; "Yes. Sirius' condition is stable and Remus has agreed to check in when he can," she shrugged; "All we can do is make the best of the situation; there's nothing more we can do. Not until Sirius' condition improves – the healers are confident he should start to regain feeling."

Severus nodded; "That's good," he said; though he really couldn't care less. But he supposed it was good news he could tell Regulus.

"Why? Have you missed me?" she teased, her eyes twinkling slightly.

Severus fought back a smirk; "Perhaps."

"You're back on Dorado now, aren't you?"

Severus nodded; "Yes. Since a couple of weeks ago."

"Good."

"Good?" he raised an eyebrow.

She grinned and shrugged; "Perhaps I missed you too."

He gave a small smile, averting his eyes shyly.

Lily smile was bright in response, giving him the embarrassing sensation of butterflies in his stomach and he wondered if she knew exactly what she was doing before she gave a quiet hum of laughter, as she glanced around at the crowd before they focused on a refreshments cart.

"Would you like to get a drink?" she asked, as she turned back towards him.

He nodded, stepping forwards so they were both in line as they headed in its direction.

He had only seen Lily a handful of times since their reconciliation almost two months previously however, from just those few meetings, he was certain that there had been a shift in their relationship. While they had been on good terms previously, comfortable and occasionally teasing, the revelation of his role in the war, their acknowledgement and her acceptance, her forgiveness, for everything had changed them.

Conversation came easier; they both spoke more freely, whereas before there had been uncertainty and wariness. Perhaps because he had been so aware of the secrets he held back from her; the guilt he had felt with his deception. Or simply the knowledge, or more the assumption, as his expectations of her response had not come to pass, that she would sever their friendship as soon as she learned the truth was what made him hold back from her.

Something new, something stronger than what they had had, even back when they had been innocent children, was forming. Something built on a foundation of trust and respect.

In truth, it was a little frightening.

But thrilling, all the same.

Although he couldn't quite help but sense that she was holding something back from him. While she was open with him most of the time, he would occasionally catch her blushing, stumbling awkwardly over sentences, as if she was embarrassed by something.

He had frowned and called her out on it once which only served to embarrass her further so he had let the matter drop without further probing.

But it was curious.

He had never known Lily to be so…flustered. And he could think of no reason why she ought to be when it was only the two of them present.

"So, you have completed the Orion project at last, then?" Lily asked, as the two seated themselves on a bench after purchasing their drinks.

Severus nodded, "Yes, at long last. It is good to have finally concluded the project; I was beginning to wonder if it would ever be completed."

Lily chuckled, "And it is a success?"

He nodded, "A complete success."

"You must be proud to see one of the projects you initiated finally ready," she smiled, raising her drink to her lips.

"Hmm, pride?" Severus looked at her with a slight smirk, "Not at all."

She laughed.

In the distance he spotted a wizard making his way around in a chair, using his wand to guide the vehicles movements. A closer look at the man revealed it was none other than Sirius Black.

"I see Black is becoming accustomed to his condition."

Lily followed his gaze in the direction and he noticed that she suddenly tensed somewhat, and turned away, almost _ducking _as she did so. He frowned at the reaction but before he could question it she spoke as if nothing were amiss.

"Yes, well…it is his first time out of doors today."

"I see."

She glanced in Black's direction and Severus noticed her visibly relax as the man disappeared into a nearby tent. She cleared her throat as the tension left her body and she went on;

"I'm actually surprised he agreed to accompany us; he has been very reluctant to leave the house. And his mood swings – goodness! – he bites poor Remus' head off constantly." She looked at him with a smile which faltered slightly at his expression. She frowned slightly; "What?"

Severus wasn't aware that he had been frowning, not really taking in anything she was saying, too concerned with his thoughts following her previous reaction to seeing the other man.

She was most definitely attempting to hide from the other man. And, considering she had obviously arrived at the event in his company, the only possible reason for that was that she didn't want to be seen with _him. _

It bothered him.

He wasn't entirely sure why. After all, he did not need Sirius Black's approval to be in Lily's presence, nor did he care if the other man had an objection to it – which he undoubtedly w_ould. _However, he was not so petty that he would wish to intentionally flaunt his relationship in Black's face with the simple intention of annoying him.

No, it had nothing to do with Black.

It was Lily's reaction alone that affected him. Obviously she had been concealing the relationship between them from the man. How she managed he didn't know, as he was aware Lupin knew of it, as did her young son.

Was she ashamed?

At the unexpected thought he couldn't help but be reminded of the insecurities he had felt as a child at Hogwarts; when he had often wondered the same thing.

He furiously pushed such thoughts away.

He was no longer a child.

"Nothing. I just couldn't help but notice your attempt to conceal yourself from Black," Severus said, straight to the point. Why beat around the bush? After all, it was lack of communication that had led to problems not so long ago.

Open and honest, that is what he wanted them to be.

Lily looked startled at the statement, "Oh. Um…"

Severus took another drink. Not pushing, but not letting her off the hook.

She shrugged, seeming to decide to take the open response he had hoped for; "He doesn't know. About you and I."

"What about you and I?" he couldn't help but tease.

She rolled her eyes; "About our friendship. It hasn't yet come up in conversation."

"Ah."

He only nodded.

Lily swallowed, looking down and into the cup she was holding, moving it in her hand so the liquid swirled around; "I believe he will have some objections."

"I would expect as much," Severus raised an eyebrow, before he went on; "This bothers you?"

"Yes. No…well," Lily shrugged, "It would make no difference to our relationship; he cannot dictate whom I spend time with," she spoke with clarity and decision, but faltered somewhat on her next statement, "Yet…"

There was a pause and he decided there was no reason for him to take offense. What had possessed him to in the first place, really? Had he truly feared she would end their friendship over objections made by Black, when only recently she had forgiven the unforgivable?

He rolled his eyes at his own childishness.

"You are concerned about the effect it may have on your relationship with him?"

Lily released a breath, the sound indicating relief, and he realised she had been worried about offending him; "Yes. It…it may cause some tension." She waved a hand; "Nothing I can't handle; just not something I am eager to confront. Especially not here_, now._"

Her eyes went in the direction of her son, where he continued to chat animatedly with Malachi.

Severus nodded; "Understandable."

She smiled at him, warmly, obviously pleased and he felt himself warm.

The two settled into a companionable silence, as they observed the numerous goings on around them. After a moment she turned to him; "Have you collected your candle for the firelight ceremony?"

Severus almost scoffed.

He didn't, but she still laughed, obviously sensing that he wanted to; "You're not staying for it?"

He was silent.

He hadn't really thought about it, if he were honest. He had simply planned on leaving whenever Regulus had deemed fit. He glanced over at her; "Are you?"

Lily smiled, almost teasingly, "Would you stay if I were?" She leaned towards him slightly as she said it.

Severus frowned slightly. Was he imagining it? Was she…surely she wasn't actually _flirting. _

"I…" he found himself at a loss for words.

Her eyebrow rose slightly.

He only smiled, raising an eyebrow of his own; "I had already intended to."

She laughed and rolled her eyes, dramatically; "Is that right?"

"It is."

"And here I was thinking you just wanted to be in my company."

She was joking, obviously. And he was imagining the toying manner in which she was speaking, he was sure. And yet he couldn't help the blush spreading over his cheeks and the smile that tugged at the corner of his lips.

He didn't mind the awkwardness it stimulated.

In fact; he found he rather enjoyed it.

Yes; he was sure.

Their relationship had certainly shifted.

XXX

Author's Note: Well, it has been a while! I hope I still have readers! I'm sorry to those of you who have been waiting such a long time for this update but here it is and I hope it didn't disappoint. We're getting to the good stuff now!


	35. May 1987: Out of Mind

Chapter Thirty Four  


Severus blinked.

Dumbledore sat across from him, looking incredibly pleased with himself. And why shouldn't he, Severus supposed. After all he had been so sure the Headmaster would have been unable to achieve this victory and he had made these thoughts undoubtedly clear to the older man on several occasions since the intention to use Neville Longbottom in their plans had been revealed.

What could the man have possibly said to Augusta Longbottom to convince her to allow this?

"You appear rather stunned, Severus. Shall I fetch a glass of water?" Dumbledore asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Severus shot him a look before he straightened and made to compose himself; "Merely curious, Headmaster; how did you manage to convince the boy's grandmother?"

Dumbledore waved a dismissive hand, "Only by indicating the seriousness of our situation."

"You told her about the Dark Lord?"

Dumbledore fixed him with a deep look, "Certainly not."

Only the night before Severus had been enjoying Lily's company at the firelight festival, intermitted only by amicable conversation with Regulus; the Dark Lord's impending return a mere blip in the darkest corners of his mind. It was pleasant and easy to forget about the darkness they would soon be walking into when he was with her; he wasn't sure if that was a good thing. If he should be allowing himself such a distraction.

He hadn't been in the school for five minutes, in those minutes walking with a lightness to his step and his mind elsewhere, nowhere _useful _certainly, before Dumbledore had summoned him to his office to present him with the next steps in their approach.

A cold bucket of _reality _being thrown over him at the beckon.

Severus cleared his throat, noting Dumbledore watching him curiously, and automatically tightened his occlumency shields; "The next step, then?"

"Augusta will bring the boy to Hogwarts this evening; I trust that is a suitable time?" Dumbledore looked at him expectantly, his words not really a question.

It _wasn't_ suitable.

The Spring Fling Festival at Hogsmeade was still ongoing and he had, not so much arranged as implied, to Lily that he would meet with her that night.

A distraction, his mind almost sneered at him.

He shook his head against his thoughts; this was far more pressing. And he certainly wasn't going to use _that _as an excuse to Dumbledore, of all people. Not that it would hold up as an excuse to anyone, he might add.

"Of course," he stood, "I shall return this evening, then."

"Perhaps earlier," Dumbledore suggested, lightly, "She is to bring the boy at six; it would give us more time to prepare."

Prepare for what? Severus felt like retorting. After all, he would be spending the time from now until this meeting going over the details of the Orion; perhaps practicing on a…volunteer?

Certainly, the spell had been tried and tested many times during its trial period but this would be the first time Severus had used it with intent; and he didn't want the first time he had done so to be on a small child.

But where would he possibly find a volunteer for such an endeavour?

Severus fought a wry smile; there really was only one option.

"Very well; I shall return at five thirty," Severus consented, receiving a pursing of the lips from Dumbledore in response. It seemed not quite what the older man had wanted to hear but it would have to do.

After all, Severus was going to have his hands full until that time.

XXX

"This really crosses the boundaries of friendship, Sev," Regulus remarked, as Severus took a seat opposite him.

"Nonsense," Severus waved a hand, "We'll start with something simple. A memory of drinking your first glass of firewhiskey." He was shuffling through the papers on his lap.

"I remember that, it wouldn't work. Don't patronise me," Regulus looked away, avoiding eye contact; "Isn't there another way of doing this? I…" he cleared his throat, "I trust you, of course. I just…don't feel entirely comfortable with this."

Severus sighed in exasperation.

Regulus knew he was being difficult but _really _how could he not have objections to this? This wasn't a simple experiment in legillimency; Severus was asking him to grant him access to the deepest corners of his mind. To search for memories, troubling, difficult memories that he had allowed himself to forget; block even. He was quite certain Severus would never allow _him _such an opportunity.

"I will try to make it as unobtrusive as possible," his friend offered.

Regulus sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead, "You're looking for something I don't even remember myself; you may find something I'd rather not be found."

He _would _find something he'd rather not be found. He had blocked many things from the war; many things he had done, engaged in. He didn't _want _to remember them. And while he was certain Severus had been present in many of them and, as such, had already seen him at his worse, he didn't want either of them to be reminded of it.

"It is only you and I here, Regulus."

Regulus met his eyes, warily.

"I assure you, anything I…observe will not be used against you."

He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest; "Don't we need to have a specific point, a timeframe in mind, that we need to focus on? That's how the spells works, isn't it? I'd rather we not float around aimlessly –" he paused, looking suddenly nervous; "Is it possible that we could become lost in…" he let the thought trail off.

A smile tugged at Severus' lips; "Are you worried that the depth of your mind might drown us?"

Regulus shot him an irritated look.

Severus fought back a smirk; "It does not have to be difficult."

"The point of the spell is to search for difficult memories, you know that."

Severus sighed, glancing at the mantle clock; "Regulus, there isn't time for this. We have to get started."

"Fine."

"_Fine,_" Severus mimicked with a roll of his eyes. He cleared his throat; "I need you to tell me of a…circumstance you may have blocked."

"Could you be more specific?"

Severus was looking irritated now; "Are you being this obtuse on purpose?"

"I don't want to reflect on the war," Regulus ground out, fully ready to up and leave. Severus was doing nothing to entice him to be open with him at the moment.

"Then choose something else," Severus almost, but not quite, snapped, barely able to reign in his impatience, "Something that happened before the war. The incident doesn't have to be recent; think of something that may have been difficult for you to deal with at Hogwarts, or as a child. No matter how trivial it may seem now."

The idea gave him pause. His mind was so often caught up in the war, his remorse over what he had done and his fear about what was still to come now that the Dark Mark had returned, that he often found it difficult to remember that there even _was_ a time before the Dark Lord. Everything of what he was now was defined by it, by _him, _and he could barely remember who he was before. How he had even been as a child.

But then, that was the point of the spell, wasn't it?

"Regulus?" Severus probed gently.

Regulus sighed and nodded; "Okay. Okay…I…give me a minute, I'll think of something."

There wasn't all that much to think about. Something difficult that had happened to him as a boy; something he may have blocked, had forgotten. Certainly there had been the occasional difficult moment when he had been young; perhaps his parents had been a little too hard on him at one time, perhaps expected too much of him as a Black. But, really, his parents loved him. His mother certainly treasured him. He had been relatively popular among his classmates at school and he had never been a subject of bullying or even ridicule; he was the perfect Slytherin, the perfect Black.

But there was one incident. One big black mark in his childhood that he never dared to think about and, as such, the memories around it had faded away. Had he blocked them or were they just lost?

He sighed; it didn't matter. All that mattered was that there were memories there, on that day, that he couldn't recall. Severus just had to find one.

Regulus nodded, "Alright."

Severus raised an eyebrow; "You are ready? What are we looking at?"

Regulus swallowed, drawing in a breath; "December 27th 1975."

"I need a bit more information than that," he said, not unkindly, simply ready to proceed now that they had an objective to focus on. He moved to put away the papers he was holding, reaching for his wand after he did so.

"The day Sirius left."

Severus hesitated in his movements, pausing to glance in Regulus' direction with a frown. The two of them were silent a moment as Severus seemed to ponder on the statement, the implication of trust it entailed, before he nodded, settling back on the seat opposite.

"Very well."

Severus lifted his wand; "You know how the procedure works?"

Regulus nodded, "Yes."

"You have to stay with me throughout. Focus –"

"I know."

Severus nodded, reaching for the phial that was sitting ominously next to them on the table, before holding it out to him. Regulus took it from him, reluctantly, took a deep breath and lifted it to his lips, drinking the potion in one gulp.

And almost chocked on the vile substance.

"Ugh!"

Severus was fighting a smile as he took the phial from him and put it back on the table, "Right. Ready?"

Regulus swiped the back of his hand across his lips before he nodded, roughly, nervous and already feeling the potion getting to work; inhibitions lowering, defences falling. His mind becoming easily accessible to any who should wish to invade.

Severus lifted his wand.

"You have the potion to counter –"

"Yes."

Regulus bit his lip however, mere seconds later, he felt his nervousness falling away, as he began to feel himself relax completely. Relaxed but still completely lucid; feeling himself become more in touch with his thoughts, feelings, rather than the external influences.

"Are you listening?"

Severus sounded almost far away. He nodded.

"Stay with me…going to…incantation…few moments…"

He was only catching snippets of what Severus was saying as thoughts, feelings, memories swirled around him.

_Voices surrounding him. Everything coming and going. Flashes. Most insignificant._

"_You're a right dunderhead."_

_Severus was laughing. Younger; he was drinking. _

"_Life's not fair, Regulus. It's time you accepted that."_

_The voice, the words were recent. The images weren't. From times long ago lost. Severus swiped a hand across his face, wand in his hand. A Death Eater mask formed, concealing his features._

"_Have you looked at your left forearm recently?"_

_Suddenly the Dark Mark was everywhere. Surrounding him. Death. Death. The Dark Lord. Voldemort._

_It was gone._

_Malachi was there; Malachi as a baby. He was being passed to him…_

_Evelyn. _

No!

He felt a wave, his memories scattering, rippling as if in water, as he fought against them.

"Regulus. Relax."

Severus voice was suddenly clear and his presence in his mind was peculiar, not quite unsettling as he had expected, rather it was comforting and he felt his memories settling as he allowed himself to calm.

"Ready? Are you with me?"

"Yes."

"Do you need me to find it? I can but if you are able I shall simply follow."

"No, it's okay."

Regulus knew where to push, the incantation had stabilised the memories, working with the potion as it was supposed to. And suddenly the vastness of his mind and memories were open to him, to them both, as if they were in the ocean. There were memories close to the surface, where they were; a mixture of recent ones and lighter ones.

He was floating and he could sense Severus' presence close behind as he focused on a darker corner and _pushed._

"_Slytherin, eh?" Sirius' expression was a mix of disappointment and acceptance; of dashed hope but completely unsurprised._

"_Yeah," Regulus pushed his chin up a little higher, pushed his sadness at disappointing his brother down as he did so. What right did Sirius have to make him feel ashamed for being sorted into a house he was _supposed _to be sorted into? The house Sirius, himself, should have been sorted into? _Sirius _was the disappointment, not him!_

Regulus passed over the memory; that wasn't what they were looking for. He didn't expect to see things like this; had expected it to be similar to the pensieve, to view the memories from the sidelines. He was not expecting to see everything through the eyes of himself in the memories; nor did he expect to feel the same emotions he had experienced at the memories took place before him.

He felt Severus with him, seeing through his eyes; his friend wasn't saying a word. Simply following.

Memory after memory all focused on Sirius; his seven year old brother's smile as they huddled in his bedroom, waving the wand Regulus had snuck from their parents' room; Sirius' pulling him up from the ground after he had fallen; Sirius slinging him over his shoulder in a lift, only to topple and bring them both to the ground under his weight; Sirius punching him in the arm, looking irritated; Sirius giving him his ice-cream after his had fallen; rolling his eyes at something Regulus had said; Sirius laughing; Sirius smiling.

This was his brother. His brother _being _his brother.

He had long ago lost these memories. But they weren't want they were looking for. He pushed on, not pausing to think or reflect until he finally found the one he was looking for.

He found it; little glimpses, hazy from time and pieces missing, the details of the day long-forgotten, banished from his mind. He prodded it, the space in his mind, felt Severus there.

"Hold onto it."

He did, held it and pushed, willing the memory back to him.

"Integro," he heard Severus speak quietly.

And then, suddenly, he felt the memory, the details knitting themselves back together; his mind whirling as disremembered aspects began slowly returning.

"_What are you doing?"_

_Sirius never did anything quietly. There was always a big show. A dramatic scene and a dramatic declaration, as had been done mere minutes before. It wasn't enough that he was walking out; that he was doing what Andie had done some years before; that he was breaking their mother's heart and was tearing their family apart._

_Sirius didn't stop to look at him as he continued to throw clothing into the bag he had set on his bed; "What I just said; I'm leaving. I'm done with this place."_

"_You can't just leave."_

"_Watch me."_

"_Sirius."_

"_Get out of my room, Reg."_

"_It's not your room anymore, apparently."_

"_Whatever. Fuck off."_

_Regulus stomped over from his place at the door when Sirius turned back to the wardrobe and grabbed the bag, turning it upside down and shaking it so the contents fell from it to the floor._

"_What are you _doing_?" _

_Sirius had him by the arm, his face only centimetres from his._

"_You can't just leave! Tell them you're sorry! You didn't mean it!"_

"_I did mean it," Sirius let him go and Regulus stumbled back slightly but forced himself to remain steady. He could never win in a fight with his older brother. Sirius was volatile and unpredictable. _

_Sirius grabbed the bag off the floor and began stuffing the items back in._

_Regulus was overcome with fear and dread, realising that his brother was truly going to walk out on his family. Walk out on _him.

_He grabbed at Sirius arm, "Please, you can't!"_

_The plea in his voice had gotten his brother's attention. Sirius paused and glanced at him, looking at him thoughtfully, "Reg…I have to."_

"_You're just been an arse is what you're doing," Regulus snapped, "You don't even care what this means; what it'd do to Mum and Dad if you leave."_

_Sirius released a humourless laugh and shook his head, moving to carry on his packing, "You wouldn't understand."_

"_I'm not a kid!"_

"_No, but you're Black," Sirius said it, the way he spoke the name, as if it were the worst possible thing he could be; "A Black through and through."_

"_So are you!"_

"_No, I'm not. I'm not like any of you."_

"_Don't kid yourself."_

"_I'm not getting into this; you won't listen," Sirius wasn't even looking at him as he spoke._

_Regulus was at a loss at what to say, overwhelmed by feelings of desperation and fear; he wanted his brother to _stay. _He hadn't been particularly close to Sirius since his older brother had gone to Hogwarts, since he had fallen in with Potter and found a more suitable, more compatible companion and yet the idea of him actually walking out of his life completely was unthinkable._

_He couldn't. _

_He couldn't honestly walk out and leave him; leave him to deal with their parents alone! The pressure, the expectation, they could barely hold it together when it was the two of them. And now his brother would walk out and leave him to deal with it all single-handedly just so he could make a _point.

_He couldn't. He couldn't!_

_Purebloods. Mudbloods. _

_Blood purity._

_Legacy._

'_Toujours Pur'._

_It was too much._

_He reached out, his desperation becoming overwhelming, and grabbed his arm; "Please; don't go."_

_Sirius stopped in his movements, turned to look at him with a frown. The two of them stood like that for a moment as his brother weighed up what he had said. Understanding seemed to flash within Sirius' eyes and Regulus found himself wondering what it was that he understood; because Regulus could barely comprehend what was happening himself. He was so stunned by what was happening, the unthinkable occurrences that were taking place, that all he could do was hold tighter to his brother and pray that he would hear him._

_Another moment passed and then Sirius stepped forward, pulling him into an embrace. Regulus tensed, not used to such displays of affection from anyone, least of all from Sirius, feeling anything but comfortable and yet he felt himself gripping tighter._

_And then Sirius pulled back, moving to stand so far away that Regulus released the hold on his arm._

"_I really am sorry, Reg."_

_And then his brother was gone._

Regulus blinked.

Severus was sat across from him, regarding him carefully.

"Well," Regulus said after a moment.

"Well."

The two were silent. And then Severus handed him another phial; the counter potion. He uncapped it and drank it, more slowly this time, then lowered it with a small release of breath.

"Thank you, Regulus."

XXX

The process wasn't quite what Severus had expected. He had heard in the accounts he had read through during the trials that fatigue was one of the common side effects of the procedure however the exhaustion he had felt, both physically and emotionally, following the incident with Regulus had been so great that he had been forced to take a nap, lest he be unable to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

He did not have time to ponder what had happened, on the memory nor on the emotions Regulus had shared with him earlier that day. He had seen everything his friend had seen, felt everything he had felt, experienced it as if he had been there.

He knew Regulus wouldn't appreciate any analysis; the entire exercise was for Severus' benefit, a chance to perfect the procedure, not an opportunity for Regulus to face up to any past burden and, certainly, not for Severus' interference regarding it.

He would leave it alone. Regulus what not appreciate his intervention and, of all the issues that plagued his friend, Severus was certain that his relationship with his brother was a minor one, paling in comparison to everything else.

There were more pressing matters at hand.

Like little Neville Longbottom currently sitting in his grandmother's lap in his office.

Severus took a deep breath, walking towards them with the potion necessary to begin. He was slightly nervous; earlier he had been able to feel Regulus grief, his sadness and his distress so strongly, as if it were his own. What such emotions would Neville Longbottom's memory evoke?

"What is that?"

Augusta Longbottom eyed the phial Severus had been about to hand to the boy. He hesitated, handing it to her instead; "He must drink this; it is necessary for the procedure." He went to collect the counter potion, turning away from them.

The old woman eyed him for a moment, before she opened it and gave it to her grandson. The boy obediently drank it and Severus heard him protesting the flavour as he made his way back, taking the seat in front of them.

He cleared his throat as little eyes looked up at him warily. Severus shifted, uncomfortably; he wasn't very good with children. Had never been. He tolerated the children at Hogwarts; most of the time he ignored them completely however they were older and, when he did speak with them, it was not necessary to do so gently, or soothingly; the way the little Longbottom seemed to need to be spoken to now.

Instead, Severus offered a tentative smile and lifted his wand.

With a deep breath and nod at Mrs Longbottom, he eye contact with the boy, who was beginning to take on the same glazed expression Regulus had earlier; "Quaero."

He was thrown into the little boy's mind with the same jolt he had felt earlier and found himself swimming in another sea of memories; the setting of this one lighter, freer, almost completely devoid of any darkness.

Severus was startled for a moment at the purity of the place he found himself in; the calmness and brightness that surrounded him compared with the one he had found himself earlier.

The innocence was breath-taking.

"Hello?" a small voice spoke.

The boy sensed him; the first word he had ever said directed at him.

"I am with you, child," Severus assured him, feeling almost honoured to be so; to be allowed into a place so pure, when he was certain the presence of his mind would match the jaded darkness of his friend. He forced such thoughts away, focusing on the task at hand; "Think of your parents for me, young one."

The process took longer than it had with Regulus; the boy was unable to control and search for his memories the way the former had but that was to be expected. A variety of memories surfaced and Severus found himself taking along for a long ride of brief flashes into the final year of Alice and Frank Longbottom's lives.

He almost missed it.

That little dark spot that flashed up with one memory.

"Stop."

The memories remained suspended around them as the boy struggled to hold on.

"Your mother putting you to bed. Think more about that."

There it was. Alice Longbottom smiling down at the boy, tickling under his chin. The boy looking back at her, laughing and his eyes full of love for his mother. Her face changing, turning and then going with a quick kiss to her son's forehead.

The memory began to break; cracks. Nothing coming next.

"Hold onto it."

But the boy wouldn't; Severus could feel him become anxious. He needed to act quickly.

"Integro."

Like before, the memory began to repair itself; restoring itself as the details began stitching itself back together.

"_Someone's at the door."_

_The voice was faint, coming from the other room, panicked. A soft gurgling sound escaped the baby's lips. Severus was in the child's mind; the child that would not turn towards the door and look at what he wanted to see. Instead, the baby was content to stare up at a mobile hanging above the crib; little hands came into his line of vision, reaching up._

_Severus could clearly feel the innocent delight in the boy as he reached for the toy._

_It seemed the boy's feelings would be no use. He tried to ignore them and focus, instead, on what the child was hearing._

"_Alice, run."_

_The sudden crash in the other room frightened him, shook him; and it took a second for Severus to remember it was the baby's feelings he was experiencing not his own and he forced himself to focus on the events unfolding in the other room as the baby began to cry._

"_Avada kedavra!"_

"_No!" Frank Longbottom's agonised cry made the terror increase and the baby's cries intensified so that it was almost impossible to hear anything._

_Severus could almost sigh at the futility of it all; he could barely hear a thing over the screaming infant. He supposed he would have a better opportunity to scrutinise the memory in a pensieve when it was extracted. _

_There was more crashing sounds from the other room, very brief words exchanged, and then, suddenly, the house shook and an energy quickly built up, tense and tight, before realising in a startling _boom! _And the unmistakable sound of brickwork crumbling and crashing to the ground issued from beyond the walls of the room._

_The baby was shocked into silence by the sound. _

_There were a few moments of silence and then the sound of the door creaking made the child's head turn._

_And there, on the floor, Frank Longbottom pushed into the room, stomach and face pressed heavily against the carpet; he pushed in slowly, weakly, his arms straining against the floor before he stopped pushing half way into the room._

_The face of Frank Longbottom was covered in blood, his breathing coming in harsh pants, and through the boy's eyes he could see the blood spilling from gashes across his torso, his face and his neck; gashes made from a spell Severus knew all too well._

_The man's eyes met those of his son's as he slowly slipped away._

XXX

Few things could surprise Albus Dumbledore anymore.

He had seen too much in his long life; had experienced more than he ever wished to. As such, he considered himself rather skilled at anticipating the next moves of others, opponents and allies alike, as well as being able to analyse and judge facts in order to ascertain events which may have taken place.

He was never quite sure _what _had taken place on Halloween Night 1981; wasn't entirely certain what events had taken place within the Longbottom's residence.

Most of what he knew about the incident the entire Wizarding World was aware of.

Four people were alive in the house. Only one person survived.

Fifteen month old Neville Longbottom survived.

His parents did not.

Voldemort did not.

Everyone knew this.

However, only two people knew the information regarding the prophecy. Four, if Severus' half-knowledge and his sharing of it with Voldemort it were to be considered.

Neville Longbottom survived. Voldemort did not.

The two, the Chosen One and the Dark Lord had finally faced one another. Dumbledore was not fool enough to assume that that was the end of it; that an infant had indeed _fulfilled _the prophecy.

However, he was fool enough to _assume._ Dumbledore had assumed that the wheels of motion had begun to turn that night.

After viewing the memory Severus had managed to secure for him, it was now undoubtedly clear that this was not the case.

Dumbledore had never been sure before, couldn't really be sure until he had the chance to meet with the boy properly. After all, it could mean a number of things. It could have been physically; it could have been psychologically.

'…_and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal…'_

Dumbledore was quite certain that, this time, his assumption was quite safe to make.

Neville Longbottom had not even faced Voldemort that night.

It was not even an assumption. It was a fact completely supported by logic.

Neville Longbottom had never been marked.


End file.
